EB Jokes

[Ibrahim]

that's right, EB jokes; I'm not writing them, you are the one who gets to make jokes about it-it's not serious, or meant to criticize EB's team-they're awesome and so their mod. but that shouldn't stop anyone from reporting funny and disturbing stories from an EB campaign/battle...


I'm playing as romani, and I had to lay siege to Segesta, a celtic town; there I met the dreaded Gaesatae; now in EB's website they have underwear, the shield, helm, and torques. figured: poorly armored, on drugs-easy. on installing it on release date, they asked for a modesty patch to be installed, at which I said no, note reading the fine print under it...

..hehe came to assult the town, and to my horror I discovered a shocking fact, a fact about them that sucked so hard it scarred me for life...they were naked-butt naked (seriously I didn't know) even the bits showed. Now I know what the modesty patch was for...when I saw those demons I let out a cry of horror and suffered my fearst heart attck aged 17. my men were running away in a matter of seconds-since they were scary and weren't dying... I felt...I don't know...naked?! exposed? terrified to pi-ing point perhaps(I didn't do that luckily)?! and helpless...spent a week afterwards sucking my thumb the first time I got terrified at a unit-later experiments proved the shockiness of the Gaesatae effective on 13 yr olds from up to 50yrds+......39yr olds up to 100yrds+

p.s I still captured segesta, losin 1/3 of my men, most from those naked F#@*ers


my situation now:

now to rate jokes do so from 0-10 laughing smilies-I rate mine 1, since this was a demo.

[General Appo]

Was it a joke? Really, I don´t see how this is going to work, EB jokes are more spontaneous than really thought-out. Unless someone start making EB versions of famous jokes.

[Ibrahim]

I don't know-I didn't intend (or say) this is to be funny-just the replies, I leave method up to you. and no this was not reaaly thought out; I came up with it the moment I wrote it. it's meant for people to share jokes with one another.

[Hax]

Why did the Pezhetairos cross the road?

==========

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ele

Ele who?

Elephantes Indikoi!

[Ibrahim]

well why did he do it?

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
A Kart-Hadasti, a Lusotannan and a Makedonikos walk into a bar. The barman says: "What's this? Some kind of joke?"


.

[Parallel Pain]

You know you've played too much EB when you...

Are a Sab'yn general bodyguard. The Ptolemy catapharct is charging at you.
The ground shakes beneath you. The screeching enemy horses sound like demons from hell. The sand and sweat sticks to your body. But you take no notice to any of that. You are experienced.

You brace for impact...BANG the cataphract slam into you hard.
You smiled, for you had faced cataphract before and know how to brace yourself against them. You were able to easily keep on your feet.

You saw a hole in the hosemen's defences and sharply thrust your sword up at the him. Your sword flys forward quick as lightning.

At that moment, the second rank of those Helenic cataphract rams into your lines. You see the flash of a spearhead shooting forward at you from your forward left. You raise your shield desperately to block the blow.

You felt the pike head slide on your shield. Moments later you feel a blow to your head. The pike had glanced off your shield and bounced upwards. Your helmet has protect you from direct injury, but the force of the pike was too much.

All goes grey...then black. You can feel your legs giving away. You are falling to once side, to your right. You are abandoning your friends. They are going to have to fight on without you. You feel helpless. Soon your arm would hit the sand. You will likely be trampled upon. You will likely not rise again...

THUMP
What? What?
You opened your eyes. You have just fallen off your bed onto the wooden floor. Oh yeah and it would seem you have thrown your sheets off during sleep. I wonder when you did that.

[keravnos]

The shortest joke in the world

FYROM

and the notion that it had ANYTHING to do with Megas Alexandros and Makedonia of Hellenistic times

[Ibrahim]

FYROM?

[Olimpian]

Q:What's the last thing that crosses a soldier's mind when he is charged by a cataphract?
R:A spear-point

[keravnos]

FYROM?

Also known in present times as Makedo-ninja

[pezhetairoi]

Uh, so whyyyy did I cross the road? Because it asked for a blessing? XD

[Jurdagat]

Remember Bartix?

[Dhampir]

You know you've played too much EB when you can say the names of all the exotic units, and you know how to pronounce them.

[fenix3279]

During the 2nd punic war, there was an officer of the Roman Navy named Captain Cassius Antonius, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seas, his lookout spotted a Carthaginian ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Antonius bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

His servant quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored blouse, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty Carthaginians. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN Carthaginian ships approaching. The crew stared in silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Antonius gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

[Sarcasm]

A Greek sword for sale in the market:
"It's never been swung and it's been dropped only once."


**************************************************


Q: Why do Gauls have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.


**************************************************


Q: How many Romans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the Romans are at screwing.



**************************************************


Q: What do you call a Lusitani with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.


**************************************************


Q: What's the difference between a Sweboz woman and a werewolf?
A. The Sweboz woman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.



**************************************************



Q: What do Athenian recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.



**************************************************


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Rome?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


***************************************************


Q: How do you stop a Pahlavan army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

[fenix3279]

LOL the last two are the best

[Tellos Athenaios]

Still a noob, then?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showpost.php?p=1266072&postcount=1

[Hooahguy]

great ones, Sarcasm!

[Parallel Pain]

Ah man Sarcasm that was great!

[Mouzafphaerre]

.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Q: How many Romans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the Romans are at screwing.



**************************************************


Q: What do you call a Lusitani with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.


**************************************************


Q: What's the difference between a Sweboz woman and a werewolf?
A. The Sweboz woman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.



**************************************************



Q: What do Athenian recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.



**************************************************


Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Rome?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.


***************************************************


Q: How do you stop a Pahlavan army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

My favs.

Still a noob, then?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showpost.php?p=1266072&postcount=1

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Mouzafphaerre, you do not have permission to access this page. This could be due to one of several reasons:

1. Your user account may not have sufficient privileges to access this page. Are you trying to edit someone else's post, access administrative features or some other privileged system?
2. If you are trying to post, the administrator may have disabled your account, or it may be awaiting activation.

EBH?
.

[Teleklos Archelaou]

Gah! A link into the holy of holies! Avert thine eyes!

[Ibrahim]

no I won't-show it! show it!
ps: Sarcasm is great

[Disciple of Tacitus]

@ Sarcasm. Exactly what we were looking for. f@#$%^g hilarious

[bovi]

Here's the thing Tellos was wanting to show you:

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
EB Asterix? LOL!
.

[pezhetairoi]

It had to come, eventually. XD But I loved the Pahlava carousel one most of all! XD XD

[Jolt]

Why did the Pezhetairos cross the road?

==========

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ele

Ele who?

Elephantes Indikoi!

ROFLMAO! The ebst one for me so far!

[Ayce]

Why do Thracians wield big swords?

To compensate for their manhood

(That's just mean of me )

[hoom]

In Dahyus you don't play EB, EB plays YOU.