Results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: The great story of Antiginos....

  1. #1
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Post The great story of Antiginos....

    Prologue
    The east was in tatters after Alexander the great died.
    The world had been at war with no leader to continue what had
    been Alexander’s empire. The people of Egypt and southern Turkey
    were lead by the Egypt And the Seleucids controlled a huge land stretching
    from Ionia to Persia The deserts however no controlled by a superpower
    but by local colonies. These colonies were raided by Numidians and
    the fearsome Bedouins. This is the story of a boy who became a
    warrior, a man who was full of revenge and anger but loving and caring.
    Who could lead war on the others. Antiginos of Jerusalem.
    272BCE Bostra
    The town was quiet. perhaps too quiet. The town of Bostra was a small
    colony in Arabia. A place were the Bedouins roamed. These people were
    extremely ruthless, roomer has it that they burn hole towns and cities to the ground.
    Antiginos was a little boy. His mother was from Sparta while his father was from
    Memphis. They lived in a sand made stone hut in the heart of Bostra, next to the stables. The streets were cold and empty and usually had some shops and food stalls
    opening. The town was far to quiet. Merchants from Petra and Qatar had said the Bedouins were coming. Suddenly Antiginos heard something. The pounding of hooves , The pounding of Death and hell. The pounding of the Bedouins.
    Panic spread as people awoke and realised death was coming. Some ran out
    out of their houses and saddled up on horses or camels from the stables
    next they rode of away from the Bedouins. Antiginos’ mother ran through
    and then his father came grabbing his hand took him. He kicked open the door and took him to the stables.
    “Where are we going father?” asked Antiginos
    “I’m sorry but its not ‘we’ anymore” replied his father sorrowfully.
    “what do you mean?” Antiginos asked with a tear in his eye as his father lifted him
    up on a camel.
    “you must ride, ride to Jerusalem Antiginos.” continued his father latching on food and water to the saddle.
    “No father, I want to stay with you” Antiginos started to cry.
    “No! You must ride for me and for your mother stick to the path. And I’ll meet you
    there” Antiginos’ father said quickly.
    “No I want to stay” Antiginos was crying now.
    “Antiginos I will find you there I promise” Answered his father
    “Alright” Antiginos said regretfully.
    And with that he rode out the town and off to Jerusalem. His father
    stayed to fight against the Bedouins His son however was moving very fast.
    Later he looked around, he would regret it. The houses in the distance were on fire and screams and death hung in the air. Antiginos turned away from it and rode on
    to Jerusalem. It took days. He lived off the water and food latched on the saddle
    A least a week of riding without rest the camel the camel collapsed on the floor.
    It died from exastion. Antiginos kept going, and on until the road went over a sand dune. He trudged over it…Jerusalem was on the other end. With his target within
    reach he ran to Jerusalem, tripping over and stumbling along the way.
    The gates were open for visitors. He crawled into the town. People bustled through
    the streets. A man stepped on Antiginos’ hand.
    “oww!” shrieked Antiginos pulling his hand back in pain.
    “Very sorry there young man” said the man helping up Antiginos.
    “Thank you sir” Antiginos replied.
    “My name is Artaxias, you look thirsty, come I sort you out”
    “Thank you for your generosity Artaxias my name is Antiginos” he said as he wiped the dust of his legs.
    “follow me Antiginos” Artaxias said as they started walking to the inn
    As they walked Antiginos looked in marvel at the huge stone walls which towered above him, and at the people below selling swords and shields. Also the stalls filled with fruit, cotton and silk their were some with exotic birds.
    The house was around the corner in a alleyway…
    “Come in” Artaxias said


    10 years later
    Jerusalem 262 BCE
    “Good one Antiginos!” Said Artaxias.
    Antiginos was 18 now; he was in the army and was a good solider.
    He wore laminar armour and bronze leg and arm guards.
    He was tall and wore a Greek style helmet that shone in the sunlight.
    On top was the horse hair crest, copied from the Seleucids
    He held a large sword that glistened and a crimson coloured shield with a symbol painted in red on it
    He was training in the barracks before he went on a campaign against the Cypriots who had rioted
    The leader was called Agamemnon of Cyprus.
    "So do you think the Cypriots are dangerous?" Antiginos asked as Artaxias and Antiginos sword fighted
    with blunt weapons
    "I don't no Antiginos? I was a trader never a very good solider."
    "Oh,I'm worried that leaving them longer is going to make them more dangerous."
    "Yes probably but I'd be worried about the Sea not there army, just think the Sea could kill all of you
    but the Cypriots are confined on a low population Island. They can't afford to make a Army large
    or experienced enough to defeat you unless...."
    "Unless what Artaxias?"
    "The Seleucids"
    "What about them?" Antiginos had stopped fighting now.
    "They have been very aggressive lately"
    "Have they?"
    "They might help Agamemnon and then backstab them, never trust them, they only want all of Alexanders empire."
    Then the Army bells rang, now every solider would go to the Gates and march where the leader took them.....

    Chapter 2 War on Cyprus
    The journey to the port of Sidon was long, too long..
    Messages from the leaders wanted the army in the port by the end of the year.
    They had a week left to go before the boats left Sidon. If no men where aboard they would just leave without them and blockade the Cypriot port instead...
    "Camping again!" complained Anelious the leader of Antiginos' legion
    "We have to stay fresh" answered Hekhemtut. He was a egyptian general.
    We was tall and thin and had bronze polished Armour that shone in the sunlight.
    He had a scar that slashed down his face and left him with only one eye.
    His helmet was a Amentet.
    "We are fresh!" shouted Anelious "Its you pampering yourself with your Egyptian women and those
    Greek ones, your to busy enjoying yourself to care about the campaign" continued Anelious.

    "Shut up, its none of your business what I do at night" snapped Hekhemtut.

    "Oh but it is our business why we are still three days away from Sidon" answered back Anelious has he walked towards Hekhemtut. "One day your pompous acts and foul lies along with the night 'business' will get you killed"
    Last edited by Emperor of Graal; 02-03-2009 at 16:01.

  2. #2
    Arrogant Ashigaru Moderator Ludens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    9,014
    Blog Entries
    1

    Lightbulb Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Promising start, Prince of Graal. Do continue.
    Looking for a good read? Visit the Library!

  3. #3
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Thanks Ludens

  4. #4
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Rivalry
    While Hekhemtut was busy, a plot was being done by Anelious and the legions senior members .
    "So how exactly do you plan to kill Hekhemtut" asked Theodotos.He was a tall muscular man renowned for his
    Phalanx abilities
    "Poison?" Ptamotep suggested.
    "No,he's already finished the banquet."
    "Assassin?" Wah asked.
    "We don't have enough money"
    " I have an Idea,get Antiginos to stab him to death,then he will be commander." Alexos said looking hopeful
    "Are you sure" Anelious asked
    "He has good intentions and has no greed at heart
    "Alright tomorrow night Hekhemtut is going to die......."



  5. #5
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Please could posters give mean area to improve (if there is)
    FEED BACK PLEASE!!!!!!
    Last edited by Emperor of Graal; 02-04-2009 at 18:12.

  6. #6
    Arrogant Ashigaru Moderator Ludens's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    9,014
    Blog Entries
    1

    Lightbulb Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Please post chapters longer than 12 lines, or else there isn't much to comment on.
    Looking for a good read? Visit the Library!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Senior Member Quintus.JC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,572

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Ludens is right, plus I really want to find out more about Antiginos...

  8. #8
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Ok Ok
    The rivalry

    "Call for Antiginos" Called Anelious
    Antiginos heard walked into the tent.
    "Yes" Antiginos said as he sat down.
    "We have decided to nominate you to kill Hekhemtut"
    "What!!" Antiginos Shouted
    "Calm down, let me explain..."
    "NO! I don't want to be part of your conspiracy" Antiginos continued as he got up
    "Wait" Anelious said
    But it was too late as Antiginos went out and stormed off to his own tent
    A messenger got to Anelious' tent
    "Sidon is under siege"............





    The Rush to Sidon
    "So you expect me to help Sidon!" Smirked Hekhemtut
    Anelious was standing in the army next to Antiginos. He felt his fist tighten.
    "So who is besieging Sidon then?"
    "The Bedouins" shouted out a soldier .
    "Pah! who care's"
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Green marks a flashback

    .
    Antiginos was crying now.
    “Antiginos I will find you there I promise” Answered his father
    “Alright” Antiginos said regretfully.

    Screams echoed in his head, flames of fury and rage, so uncontrollable where released
    Antiginos groped for his sword and ran toward Hekhemtut,and lunged foward into him.
    The sword smashed into his body. Blood poured out and spilled across the hard, dry floor.
    He was dead. Antiginos turned around and said "This day is an end to tyranny!"
    Last edited by Emperor of Graal; 02-08-2009 at 10:55.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Senior Member Quintus.JC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,572

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    The flash back was a neat touch.

    Starting to get interesting

  10. #10
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Everyone got there swords and shields, and left the camp.
    They got there horses and headed to Sidon. It took less than two days
    By the time they reached Sidon there was no sign of the Bedouins.
    "Where are they?" A solider asked
    "I know what they are doing" Antiginos replied.
    "But...."
    "Sir, the Flank!!"
    Every solider turned to face the thread, thousands of Bedouins charged from the North
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/local_links.php?linkid=4433 This Film is about the Bedouins

    "Hold your positions" Yelled the new captain Pah.
    The Bedouins charge was irresistible as masses of cavalry men holding scimitars rode their way through the rabbles of soldiers trying to get into a formation. It was to late.
    Elephants rampaged through Pah's Guards. Pah was lanced by the Tusks and was impaled
    The seemingly endless charge of cavalry had truly destroyed the army.
    "Sir behind you!" Yelled a solider as he looked at Antiginos
    He was swiped up into the air by the charge of cavalry.
    Everything became a blur and turned black and white.
    He looked at the sky and Said "Zeus have mercy"


    Stay tuned MORE to come!

  11. #11
    Askthepizzaguy Fan! Member Emperor of Graal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Buckinghamshire UK
    Posts
    372

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Can I have feedback from you!

  12. #12
    Rampant psychopath Member Olaf Blackeyes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    In his own little world.
    Posts
    796

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Not bad, not bad at all.

    My own personal SLAVE BAND (insert super evil laugh here)
    My balloons:
    My AAR The Story of Souls: A Sweboz AAR
    https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=109013


    Quote Originally Posted by Dayve View Post
    You're fighting against the AI... how do you NOT win?

  13. #13
    Senior Member Senior Member Quintus.JC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    2,572

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    Quote Originally Posted by Prince of Graal View Post
    Please could posters give mean area to improve (if there is)
    FEED BACK PLEASE!!!!!!
    I was kinda of looking forward to more explanation on the rivalry bit between Hekhemtut and Antiginios. Not much info is given about Hekhemtut; we know he is hated by the majority, but we don't get any specific details about his personality or his past actions.

    Also I was hoping to find out more about the characters such as Anelious and the rest of the conspirators; what were each of their motives, and also their traits and retinues (too much total war ) personalities.

    Other than that its a promising start to a good story.

  14. #14
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    YU-ESS-AY
    Posts
    6,667

    Default Re: The great story of Antiginos....

    The main bit of feedback I would give is.. well, it's too short. Your installments are only around 15 lines long and six words deep. It is very hard to give constructive feedback as there isn't a lot there. You are giving the barest explanation of a plot that seems very compelling, but.. who are these men? They sorta just get glazed over in the text, their names not being associated with anything physical.

    That is a good approach if you are going for a faceless piece, where you wish to focus on events more than character development (it makes the characters seem unimportant, focusing on the struggle of the people rather than the individual), but this is a route that needs a lot of descriptive details to work. The reader's mind needs something to envision.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO