Man Cooking

[Vuk]

This is Vuk reporting live from Hungary, and on today's special, I will show you how to cook like a man.
*Music Plays*
This man found himself (for the first time) without his common cooking utensils, ingredients, and of course (most importantly) a female to walk him through it all. After a month of desperately eating canned goods and going to fast food joints, this man decided that he was going to take matters into his own hands.
Today, I am making a MAN Cake! That is, a chocolate cake made by a man. Since I am new to the whole girly shopping thing, I did not think to buy a mixing bowl, so I will have to add the ingredients into the pan and mix them there. Tesco did not have any chocolate cake mixes, so I did what men do best: improvise. That is to say that I bought a bag of Nesquik mix.
Ok, here is the man plan (from a man with a plan no less):
1. Pour an inch of olive oil into the pan.
2. Drop two slabs of butter into that.
3. Pour half an inch of flour in and mix it all up.
4. Beat 6 eggs into it.
5. Add a bit of milk.
6. And finally, dump the Nesquik in!

After that I simply mix it all up, take out a match and strike my stove up, pop the pan in, and wait.
That is today's episode of Cooking Live a Man! Tune in tomorrow for Random-Fish-Dish-Delite!


PS: Any women who may be listening out there: HELP ME!!

[frogbeastegg]

Olive oil? In a cake? In a chocolate cake? An inch of it? And Nesquik? Um ... ok. Right.

I don't do much baking. Basic chocolate cake is easy; been years since I made one but I still remember the basics.

First thing is to forget the idea of mixing it in the pan. No. Just, no. You won't be able to blend it all up properly and half of the mix will end up splattered across the surrounding area. If you're absolutely desperate and don't have any reasonably sized bowls then you should use a large cooking pan which has a similar shape to a bowl. Absolutely do not cook the mix in this pan; it's for mixing only.

Second thing, put the oil down and step away. You want to rub a small amount across the entire inside of the tin you will cook the cake in. Small amount, i.e. enough to coat the metal without any dripping or running at all. Anything else will turn out very badly indeed. Unless you like eating mud-coloured oil slick, that is.

Ingredients are simple: flour, egg, butter, milk, and some form of power which is chocolate flavoured. Drinking chocolate mix is good. I guess Nesquik might do. Is it the powdered or liquid version?

Step 1: Grease the cooking pan up ready and turn the oven on.

Step 2. Put the flour and the chocolate powder into the bowl. Crack the eggs on top, pour on the milk. Now mix it up with a spoon until it is smooth. No lumps allowed, and yes, your arm will ache long before it's done. If the mixture is looking too dry add in a little bit more milk, and keep stirring. Remember: it is easier to add more milk in than to take it out. Make it too sloppy and you're doomed.

NB: If the Nesquik is liquid remember that you will need less milk.

Step 3: Once the mixture is entirely smooth and definitely, properly, really lump free you can pour it into the cooking pan and place it in the oven. Cook it on a medium-high heat. To test whether it is done stick a skewer into the centre of the cake; it should come out dry with no mix sticking to it.

There's one teeny problem, and that is that I can't tell you how much of what to use. I cook by eye instead of measured quantities. I'd guess around 2/3 a small bag of flour, 2 eggs, half a pint of milk, and three large spoonfuls of chocolate powder.

[Yoyoma1910]

Man cooking is a major part of my culture.



Name a land, sea, or air animal, and I'll tell you how you can cook it.

[Vuk]

Olive oil? In a cake? In a chocolate cake? An inch of it? And Nesquik? Um ... ok. Right.

I don't do much baking. Basic chocolate cake is easy; been years since I made one but I still remember the basics.

First thing is to forget the idea of mixing it in the pan. No. Just, no. You won't be able to blend it all up properly and half of the mix will end up splattered across the surrounding area. If you're absolutely desperate and don't have any reasonably sized bowls then you should use a large cooking pan which has a similar shape to a bowl. Absolutely do not cook the mix in this pan; it's for mixing only.

Second thing, put the oil down and step away. You want to rub a small amount across the entire inside of the tin you will cook the cake in. Small amount, i.e. enough to coat the metal without any dripping or running at all. Anything else will turn out very badly indeed. Unless you like eating mud-coloured oil slick, that is.

Ingredients are simple: flour, egg, butter, milk, and some form of power which is chocolate flavoured. Drinking chocolate mix is good. I guess Nesquik might do. Is it the powdered or liquid version?

Step 1: Grease the cooking pan up ready and turn the oven on.

Step 2. Put the flour and the chocolate powder into the bowl. Crack the eggs on top, pour on the milk. Now mix it up with a spoon until it is smooth. No lumps allowed, and yes, your arm will ache long before it's done. If the mixture is looking too dry add in a little bit more milk, and keep stirring. Remember: it is easier to add more milk in than to take it out. Make it too sloppy and you're doomed.

NB: If the Nesquik is liquid remember that you will need less milk.

Step 3: Once the mixture is entirely smooth and definitely, properly, really lump free you can pour it into the cooking pan and place it in the oven. Cook it on a medium-high heat. To test whether it is done stick a skewer into the centre of the cake; it should come out dry with no mix sticking to it.

There's one teeny problem, and that is that I can't tell you how much of what to use. I cook by eye instead of measured quantities. I'd guess around 2/3 a small bag of flour, 2 eggs, half a pint of milk, and three large spoonfuls of chocolate powder.

lol, thanks Frogbeast Egg! I got a sauce pan I can mix it in, not sure why I did not think of that. :P It is the powdered type BTW. I will try it and tell you what it comes out like!

Man cooking is a major part of my culture.



Name a land, sea, or air animal, and I'll tell you how you can cook it.

lol, ain't a moving thing out there that I cannot cook. Anything from grilled hamburgers to Chicken Cordon Bleu to Rumroasted Partridge. Thanks for the offer though, but it is not that I have trouble with. My problems start when I come into contact with anything non meat. (or anything that I have to mix - think cake) The only notable exception is fish chowder, I can make a killer chowder.

EDIT: What is your culture BTW? Japanese?

[Fragony]

Today, I am making a MAN Cake! That is, a chocolate cake made by a man.

I can feel the testosteron, it's radiating through my walls

[Yoyoma1910]

EDIT: What is your culture BTW? Japanese?

South Louisiana.



Cajun/French Creole/Canary Islander

[Vuk]

I can feel the testosteron, it's radiating through my walls

Just wait till you see it too! It is soooo manly. :P I got it in the oven now. When it is done I will take a picture of it and show you'all. :P

[Yoyoma1910]

I can give you my recipe for a Meat Cake.

[Vuk]

I can give you my recipe for a Meat Cake.

lol, I would like it. I worked on a farm butchering animals for quite a while, so I learned how to make the best cuts, how best to prepare and cook it. I have always stuck to pure meat though, never ventured into the vast unknown realm of cake. :P Seriously though, I would love to try it. If you can get me the recipe, I will make it.

[frogbeastegg]

It is the powdered type BTW.

Phew! The idea of someone attempting to make chocolate cake with milkshake was alarming.

If you make another chocolate cake, I found the very plain cocoa powder types work best. Ones without added sugar, powdered milk etc. I favoured Cadbury's classic drinking chocolate mix but I guess you wouldn't be able to get that?

Add me to the list of meat and veg cooks. Cooking with - and eating - them has always appealed to me more than pastries and such.

[Yoyoma1910]

I recommend replacing the chocolate with ground pork. And you can make a nice special treat by adding crushed fried bacon.


Edit: I'll go digging to see if I can find my recipe for it, to give you the right portions. I had a friend who was diabetic, so I used to make this for him on his birthday.


The basic ingredients are:
Ground Pork (Beef is also fine, or turkey as well)
Eggs
Bread Crumbs
Crumbled Bacon
Worcestershire
Fennel Seeds
And a nice spicey seasoning blend (I use Meat Magic, but Tony Chacere's is fine, if a bit more salty)

It's baked like a meat loaf, but in a cake pan, and multiple layers are encouraged.


For the icing:

Vinegar
Worcestershire
Seasoning Blend
BBQ sauce
Sriracha
Garlic powder

Bring to boil, then add

Tomato paste

Cook down over low heat until thick and sticky. Let cool and thicken.

[KukriKhan]

OK, I'm sorry.

I saw the topic title, and that frogbeastegg was the last respondent, and knew, just KNEW she'd have written something like:

"Man Cooking? I like my men deep-fried in a tempura batter".

But instead, she's helping. Forgive me all.

[frogbeastegg]

:is insulted:

[Yoyoma1910]

:is insulted:

You are in a "Man" thread.

[frogbeastegg]

I'm the person who stopped Vuk making chocolate-oil cake. As such I should be honoured. Possibly with a nice statue surrounded by gardens.

Anyway, I wouldn't choose tempora. I prefer my men to stew

[Reverend Joe]

Yoyoma, dude, you're not making me feel like a man... you're making me sick.

[rasoforos]

I'm the person who stopped Vuk making chocolate-oil cake.

Actually...

...the Chocolate-Oil cake does exist.

During the Great Lent (that is 40 days before easter I think) the Orthodox Christians are supposed to be fasting (they are not allowed to eat meat,butter etc) to show how earthly delights are not important (or something like that)...

...Anyway, during that time, apart from feasting on lobsters, prawns, calamari,mussels etc they also make oil based cakes...

...So with no further ado the oil-chocolate cake:

(I just found it online, dunno if it works)

5 cups of flour
3 cups of sugar
9 tablespoon of cocoa
1 cup of olive oil
Vanilla essence
Powdered Sugar

1. Beat the sugar and the oil together.
2. Add the essence, the cocoa and three cups of water and continue beating until the mixture is nice and smooth.
3. Add the flour slowly
4. Oil a tray, but the mixture in
5. Bake at 175 for 45'
6. When cold put powdered sugar on top
7. Become an atheist so you can eat proper cake


So Vuk was correct all along! Oh Yes!

[Ibrahim]

Actually...

...the Chocolate-Oil cake does exist.

During the Great Lent (that is 40 days before easter I think) the Orthodox Christians are supposed to be fasting (they are not allowed to eat meat,butter etc) to show how earthly delights are not important (or something like that)...

...Anyway, during that time, apart from feasting on lobsters, prawns, calamari,mussels etc they also make oil based cakes...

...So with no further ado the oil-chocolate cake:

(I just found it online, dunno if it works)

5 cups of flour
3 cups of sugar
9 tablespoon of cocoa
1 cup of olive oil
Vanilla essence
Powdered Sugar

1. Beat the sugar and the oil together.
2. Add the essence, the cocoa and three cups of water and continue beating until the mixture is nice and smooth.
3. Add the flour slowly
4. Oil a tray, but the mixture in
5. Bake at 175 for 45'
6. When cold put powdered sugar on top
7. Become an atheist so you can eat proper cake


So Vuk was correct all along! Oh Yes!

ah yes, I remember this cake. I had a Christian Neighbor when I was in Salmiyyah, Kuwait. she would serve us vanilla and chocolate flavored cakes when she'd invite us over during lent. they are very good actually, and recommend it as a delicacy for vegetarians. my grandmother loved it, and actuakky keeps this same recipe in her kitchen. she'd cook it for grandfather when he was alive, even though he was a diabetic-he loved it a lot.

no, she did not become an Aetheist. last I heard, she is still christian. having cooked it myself, I'm still muslim as well. grandmother is als still a muslim.

[Vuk]

You are in a "Man" thread.

Good point, expect to be insulted. *flexes muscles*

I'm the person who stopped Vuk making chocolate-oil cake. As such I should be honoured. Possibly with a nice statue surrounded by gardens.

Anyway, I wouldn't choose tempora. I prefer my men to stew

Nah, seriously, thanks for your help. I had absolutely no idea how you would make a cake. :P You gotta admit though, my guess was pretty close. :P Anyway, I will try to pay you back by sharing some tried and true man cooking knowledge tomorrow. Most everything I know how to cook is really quick, and really cheap. I made them when I was working a minimum wage job and had to get up at 4 every morning. :P They are meaty and good though. :D

I recommend replacing the chocolate with ground pork. And you can make a nice special treat by adding crushed fried bacon.


Edit: I'll go digging to see if I can find my recipe for it, to give you the right portions. I had a friend who was diabetic, so I used to make this for him on his birthday.


The basic ingredients are:
Ground Pork (Beef is also fine, or turkey as well)
Eggs
Bread Crumbs
Crumbled Bacon
Worcestershire
Fennel Seeds
And a nice spicey seasoning blend (I use Meat Magic, but Tony Chacere's is fine, if a bit more salty)

It's baked like a meat loaf, but in a cake pan, and multiple layers are encouraged.


For the icing:

Vinegar
Worcestershire
Seasoning Blend
BBQ sauce
Sriracha
Garlic powder

Bring to boil, then add

Tomato paste

Cook down over low heat until thick and sticky. Let cool and thicken.

Hmmm...I'll have to wait till I am in the States again for that one. :P I wouldn't be able to find those ingridients. :P

[Vuk]

Quick and Easy Real Man's Quick Filler - By Vuk Brankovic

Ingredients:
4 Louis Rich Turkey Hot Dogs
4 eggs
Table salt
Table pepper
Butter

Instructions:
Beat four eggs in a bowl with a fork. (beat until they are thoroughly mixed) Shake tons and tons of pepper into the eggs (if you cannot get enough, just pop the cap and dump it in It has gotta burn or it is not right ) Slice hot dogs widthwise into slice approx 1/4 inch thick and mix into eggs. Heat pan up and coat with butter. Wait till butter is brown and dump the eggs in. They will cook really fast so you gotta be constantly stirring them. Take em out when they are not wet and plop em on a plate. It is quick, it is hot, and IT HAZ MEATZ! :P Seriously, I know it is pretty basic, but that is the beauty of it. I seriously doubt if everyone has not tried something like this once in their life. :P I ended up eating every morning and every night for about 4 years. :P I really liked it. (it can be a tad expensive with the hot dogs if you plan to live off of it, so I ended up cutting them down to 2 or 1 hot dog) I usually find something that is quick and easy like this and just make the same thing every day for a few years till I find something else that suits my fancy. :P My ma is Italian, and she would make brajole, garlic pasta, pizzas of all sorts, etc when I came over, but I always prefered something simple like hotdogs and eggs. :P Tasted better and took less time. :P

Anyway, I will post something a little more substantial tomorrow. Just wanted to give you something to try for supper tonight. (or not :P)

[Vladimir]

Man cooking? Yummy.

[frogbeastegg]

Actually...

...the Chocolate-Oil cake does exist.

I'm going to put that one in the same class as the deep fried Mars bar, chilli flavoured ice cream, and Marmite cake. The "I can't believe someone tried that!" class.

How does it work? How does it turn out?! I'm having difficulty imagining it as anything other than chocolate flavoured ciabatta, and that's like the anti-chocolate cake to end them all.

Quick and Easy Real Man's Quick Filler - By Vuk Brankovic

Ingredients:
4 Louis Rich Turkey Hot Dogs
4 eggs
Table salt
Table pepper
Butter

Instructions:
Beat four eggs in a bowl with a fork. (beat until they are thoroughly mixed) Shake tons and tons of pepper into the eggs (if you cannot get enough, just pop the cap and dump it in It has gotta burn or it is not right ) Slice hot dogs widthwise into slice approx 1/4 inch thick and mix into eggs. Heat pan up and coat with butter. Wait till butter is brown and dump the eggs in. They will cook really fast so you gotta be constantly stirring them. Take em out when they are not wet and plop em on a plate. It is quick, it is hot, and IT HAZ MEATZ! :P Seriously, I know it is pretty basic, but that is the beauty of it. I seriously doubt if everyone has not tried something like this once in their life. :P I ended up eating every morning and every night for about 4 years. :P I really liked it. (it can be a tad expensive with the hot dogs if you plan to live off of it, so I ended up cutting them down to 2 or 1 hot dog) I usually find something that is quick and easy like this and just make the same thing every day for a few years till I find something else that suits my fancy. :P My ma is Italian, and she would make brajole, garlic pasta, pizzas of all sorts, etc when I came over, but I always prefered something simple like hotdogs and eggs. :P Tasted better and took less time. :P

It's a good recipe.

Simple food has a lot of advantages over fancier dishes IMO. My last job involved over an hour of commuting to get home, so I was rarely home before 7PM. As a result I tended to cook either very fast dishes or ones which would last for a couple of nights.

[rasoforos]

I'm going to put that one in the same class as the deep fried Mars bar, chilli flavoured ice cream, and Marmite cake. The "I can't believe someone tried that!" class.

How does it work? How does it turn out?! I'm having difficulty imagining it as anything other than chocolate flavoured ciabatta, and that's like the anti-chocolate cake to end them all.

I ve never tried the chocolate sort but oil based cake works fine. Oil based sweets are quite popular during fasting time. If I was more any religious I would help you more but alas I am not so I am not fasting.

If I find it in a patisserie shop I promise promise promise I will try it and will also take a pic and let you know if it is any worth it

[Vuk]

Thank you Frogbeastegg, it actually does taste really good. Another thing you may want to try (which I also eat a LOT) is scrambled eggs and tuna. It is pretty similar, just whip the eggs up, toss in a can of 'tuna in water' with the water drained, mix it up, toss it in the pan and mix. Like the scrambled eggs and hotdog though, it is best with a little salt and a whole heck of a lot of pepper. :P
Anyway, I promised you a man recipe a little more substantial, so here today's is:

Vukburgers: - By Vuk

The most important part of any burger is not the meat, but the bun. :P If you select the wrong bun, you are doomed. You do not want one of the white doughy McDonalds bun, but instead you want something bready. It does not have to be heavy at all, but it has to have something to it, and be really soft. I do not know what is behind it, but what I have noticed is that the types of buns that I do NOT like will get hard when left unwrapped for 10 minutes. The really good ones though will not. I wish I paid more attention to names, but I did not, so I cannot reccomend a name, so that is the best I can do. :P
Anyway, to make a Vukburger, this is what you need:
Beef
Salt
Pepper
Buns
Lettuce
Tomato
Onion
Pickles
Ketchup
Mustard
Miracle Whip Salad Dressing
Butter
Cheddar Cheese

There are two parts to a Vukburger, and they have to be done at about the same time. :P They are the burger part and the toppings part.
The burger part is simple, just put the ground beef into a bowl, add just a touch of water, a tiny bit of salt, and a lot of pepper. Then roll need it so that you do not squeeze and compress the meat. Once you have done that, form it into burgers about 1/4 inch or so thick and 3 1/2 -4 inches wide. (again being careful not to compress the meat)
The burgers can then be cooked on a grill or in a skillet. If it is in a skillet, warm it up, put some butter in, and then put the burgers in. If it is on a grill, coat the grill with olive oil and put the burgers on. When they start to dry out, you can dab a little melted butter on to keep em moist. You should also lightly salt both sides (it is better than putting more salt into the meat when you mix it) and put a thin slice of cheddar on the second side 2 minutes before it is ready.

Now for the toppings (probably not the right word to be using), you need to put a sauce pan on a low heat and melt a stick or so of butter in it. Once the butter has melted, put the quarterturns of onions into it and stir it on a low heat. When the burgers are almost ready, put the onions into a bowl, but keep the butter. Mix mustard, ketchup, and Miracle Whip into the butter and stir it.
When everything is done, put the burger on the bun, pour some of the mixture onto it, put two slices of tomato, some pickles, lettuce, and some onions on it.

It IS a little high in calories, but it is all worth it. :P The onions lose their sting when you cook em like that, but their flavor is captured in the mix that you then put on the burger. I have had all kinds of burgers in my life, but never had one that I liked more. :P It is recipe I made myself, but I am sure that other people must have done it or things like it before.
Also, use really lean beef (the only time that you will ever hear me saying that), it holds together better and you get plenty of juicy fat from the butter.

[SwordsMaster]

Ok, fine, you made me do it. I was going to let you children have your fun, but alas, you're forgetting a VERY important part of the art of man cooking: Alcohol.

So here's a SwordsMaster Very Rare Steak:

Ingredients:
1 slab of beef 1 inch thick
1 cooking pan beef can fit into
1/2 bottle port/sherry (depending on required sweetness)
about a full spoon of Brie cheese
Double shot worth of whiskey

Procedure:

Heat up the pan (medium fire), dump the whiskey in it, and the beef, after the whiskey, but before it evaporates. Leave meat to cook until begins to bleed, then add port/sherry, and almost immediately turn. Add some more port/sherry (the idea is that there should we always some on the pan and on the meat). Yes you can do the old "One for you and one for me" trick. As soon as the meat starts to bleed after turning, add some gratined blue cheese, and take off the fire. Let cheese melt a little, and serve with baked potato and Shiraz. Or whiskey.

Real winter man-food. And of course it goes without saying that you can only cook meat you killed yourself...

[Vuk]

Ok, fine, you made me do it. I was going to let you children have your fun, but alas, you're forgetting a VERY important part of the art of man cooking: Alcohol.

So here's a SwordsMaster Very Rare Steak:

Ingredients:
1 slab of beef 1 inch thick
1 cooking pan beef can fit into
1/2 bottle port/sherry (depending on required sweetness)
about a full spoon of Brie cheese
Double shot worth of whiskey

Procedure:

Heat up the pan (medium fire), dump the whiskey in it, and the beef, after the whiskey, but before it evaporates. Leave meat to cook until begins to bleed, then add port/sherry, and almost immediately turn. Add some more port/sherry (the idea is that there should we always some on the pan and on the meat). Yes you can do the old "One for you and one for me" trick. As soon as the meat starts to bleed after turning, add some gratined blue cheese, and take off the fire. Let cheese melt a little, and serve with baked potato and Shiraz. Or whiskey.

Real winter man-food. And of course it goes without saying that you can only cook meat you killed yourself...

lol, if you had waited a bit, I was gonna give my Jack Daniels mutton roast recipe on Monday. (yes, I butcher the sheep myself) I do not drink alcohol myself (used to, but no more), but I love to use it in cooking.

[Fragony]

Vukburgers:

I can't believe you misspelled 'yuk'. Here is how it's done. First of all, forget about the bum you want pita, it's Turkish I don't know if it's available where you live without good hamburgers. These pita's need some time under the grill. Now, the rest is pretty basic really. You need ground beef, onions (and for the love of god RAW onions), cuccumber, lettuce, and tomatoe. Now here's the magic, sauerkraut with balsimico-vinigar. With that some honey-mustard, I don't know if you do that kosher thingie but a slice of ham makes absolutely awesome sheer perfection.

[Vuk]

I can't believe you misspelled 'yuk'. Here is how it's done. First of all, forget about the bum you want pita, it's Turkish I don't know if it's available where you live without good hamburgers. These pita's need some time under the grill. Now, the rest is pretty basic really. You need ground beef, onions (and for the love of god RAW onions), cuccumber, lettuce, and tomatoe. Now here's the magic, sauerkraut with balsimico-vinigar. With that some honey-mustard, I don't know if you do that kosher thingie but a slice of ham makes absolutely awesome sheer perfection.

lol, this is a 'man' thread, no Dutch allowed! (sorry Tosa ) lol, nah, but seriously, that just sounds gross. :P Don't bash a Vukburger until you try one, lol. I am in Europe now, so I may just drag my fat arse down to Dutchland one day, buy the ingridients and show you how it is done. You will have to have yours there too so I can try it.
Yes though, I am good, I eat Kosher. :P I am happy that way too, pigs are disgusting, and the meat is incredibly unhealthy and ridiculously hard for the human body to digest.
I like raw onions just as well as the next man (in fact, I peel raw onions and eat them 'as is' whenever I get the opportunitty :P), but on a burger like that, take my word on it (I have had LOTS of burgers), you want to do it that way.
Anyway, it is just a matter of man preference, so I will not argue about it. :P

[Fragony]

The greatest combinations are often the ones that are the most unlikely, for example strawberries and black pepper, or banana's with peanut butter, or boudin (which is a sausage made out of PIG'S BLOOD) with molases. The combination of sauerkraut balsimico and honey-mustard is perfection clear and simple.

[Vuk]

The greatest combinations are often the ones that are the most unlikely, for example strawberries and black pepper, or banana's with peanut butter, or boudin (which is a sausage made out of PIG'S BLOOD) with molases. The combination of sauerkraut balsimico and honey-mustard is perfection clear and simple.

Sorry Frag, but those just make me wanna barf. :P