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Thread: Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

  1. #1
    Toh-GAH-koo-reh Member Togakure's Avatar
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    Default Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

    I don't know if this was posted before, but a friend sent it to me and I got a good chuckle out of it. Enjoy:

    From GameSpot Computer game magazine:
    ...

    CHESS
    by ...

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    The latest offering in the rapidly overflowing
    strategy genre is hard evidence that strategy games
    need a real overhaul, and fast. Chess, a
    small-scale tactical turn-based strategy game,
    attempts to adopt the age-old "easy to learn,
    difficult to master" parameter made popular by
    Tetris. But the game's cumbersome play mechanics
    and superficial depth and detail all add up to a
    game that won't keep you busy for long.

    Chess casts you as king of a small country at war
    with a rival country of equivalent military power.
    There is little background story to speak of, and by
    and large the units in the game are utterly lacking
    any character whatsoever. The faceless,
    nondescript units are dubbed arbitrarily such labels
    as "Knight" and "Bishop" while their appearance
    reveals nothing to suggest these roles. To make
    matters worse, the units on both playable sides are
    entirely identical aside from a simple color palette
    swap. The setting of the conflict is equally
    uninspiring and consists merely of a two-color grid so
    as to represent the two warring factions. Adding insult
    to injury, there is only one available map- and it's
    pathetically small, an 8x8 matrix (Red Alert
    maps are up to 128x128 in size). The lack of more
    expansive battlefields makes Chess feel like little more
    than an over-glorified Minesweeper.

    In a definite nod to Tetris, Chess eschews any kind of
    personality and styling in order to emphasize its supposedly
    addictive gameplay. Unfortunately, that gameplay is severely
    lacking. For one thing, there are only six units in the game.
    Of those six, two are practically worthless while one is an
    overpowered "god" unit, the Queen. She's your typical Lara
    Croft-esque 1990s "me, too" attempt to attract the fabled gaming
    girl audience from out of the woodwork to help solidify a customer
    base for a game that simply cannot sell itself on its own merits.
    The Queen can attack in any direction and she is balanced solely
    by the fact that both sides are equally equipped with only one.
    Otherwise, the functions of the six Chess units feel entirely
    arbitrary. For instance, Rooks can only move in horizontal lines,
    unable to attack enemies at diagonal angles; yet Bishops can
    move diagonally, but not horizontally. The result is a frustratingly
    unrealistic effort at creating balance and strategy where there
    is, in fact, very little of either element to be found.

    Inexplicable pathing problems also plague Chess - the irritating
    Pawns can only move straight ahead, but for some reason or other
    they attack diagonally. Worst of all, your units are always deployed
    in exactly the same fashion. While there might have been some
    strategic element involved in cleverly deploying one's troops around
    the undeniably constricted map, the designers saw fit to enforce a
    "rule" about how the game should be set up. In the end, Chess matches
    may often go on for a great length of time because your Pawns always
    begin in front of your more useful forces, thereby blocking them off.

    Only two players can compete simultaneously, thus severely limiting
    any play life to be found. There is only one gameplay mode- no
    capture the flag or team play - and that involves the two players
    taking turns moving their units one by one. The moment a player's
    King is threatened, that player is placed in a state of "check."
    At this point, the player must defend his King with whatever means
    are available. If he cannot defend his King, he is defeated. Yawn.
    All units are killed by a single hit, so even a lowly Pawn can be
    instrumental in defeating an opponent if you plan accordingly.
    While the artificial balance of forcing equivalent deployment for
    both sides turns Chess into something of a battle of wits, the
    turn-based play is poorly paced and never really picks up speed
    until halfway through a game, if then. And half the time, because
    of the limited troops available (and no resources with which to
    purchase more), matches end in disappointing stalemates.

    This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical
    play mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp
    and exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings. In fact, should you
    actually memorize all the infuriating little rules governing how
    the game is played, you'll find yourself growing weary of it all
    in short order. There's just no payoff to a properly executed game,
    because the restrictions on the units mean there's a "right" way to
    play. Thus no real variety can exist between competent players.
    The sluggish turn-based nature of Chess bogs the package still
    further and renders this strategy game an irreverent exercise in
    wasted time for all but the most die-hard turn-based strategy
    enthusiasts.

    It's more than likely that Chess, due to its self-conscious though
    not entirely elegant simplicity, will garner a small handful of fans.
    But in light of this game's boundless oversights and limitations,
    there is no chance it could ever enjoy the sort of success that makes
    games like Westwood's C&C: Red Alert and Blizzard's Warcraft II the
    classics they are to this day.
    Be intent on loyalty
    While others aspire to perform meritorious services
    Concentrate on purity of intent
    While those around you are beset by egoism


    misc kanryodo

  2. #2
    Guest desert's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

    And that's why we have videogames. ;)

  3. #3

    Default Re: Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

    I agree with the author of the article...

  4. #4
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

    My MacBook always beats me at chess. I feel stupid.

    The article however is very lol. Just shows that often the simplest things are the best.
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  5. #5
    Horse Archer Senior Member Sarmatian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Gamespot Review: Chess (Faux)

    Quote Originally Posted by Strike For The South View Post
    My MacBook always beats me at chess. I feel stupid.


    Stuff like this always remind on that quote from Emo Philips: “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

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