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[TinCow]

“The wise man will live as long as he ought, not as long as he can.”
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Ichigo was relaxing in the main audience chamber of his villa. It doubled as an entertainment space, and a pair of Greek actors were putting on a play for his benefit. Greek tragedy was incredibly tedious with its moralizing and wailing about opportunities missed and errors made. However, Greek comedy was often quite clever. A good glass of wine and a few lewd Athenian jokes made any night pleasant.

Shortly after the performance ended, a servant approached. “Master, there are some men here to see you.” Ichigo raised an eyebrow. The hour was certainly late, but who was he to refuse an audience with a potential voter? He nodded to the servant, and a few minutes later a small group of men entered. They appeared to be led by a single man, who approached and addressed Ichigo. “Good sir, I am pleased to report that I have arrived to defend your life with these few men behind me.” He beamed and bowed, impressed with the generosity of his own offer.

Ichigo grinned. “You, protect me?” He slapped his thigh and laughed heartily. “Look at you, you have nothing to wield but pugii… and there are so few of you my own bastards would overwhelm you with sheer numbers! Go back to your homes and sleep off the night, I assure you, I am perfectly safe where I am.” The men looked taken aback and turned about dejectedly to be escorted out of the villa.

On came another performance, this time a nude dancer from Illyria. Only a few minutes into the act, the servant approached again. “Apologies, master, but there is another group of men here to see you.” Ichigo was growing annoyed with these interruptions, but voters were voters and they should not be too put-off. The men were soon shown in. Like the first group, they were few in numbers and a single man spoke for them. “Great Ichigo, my companions and I are here to lay down our lives for you!”

Ichigo simply rolled his eyes. “You as well? Let me guess, you’ve brought Gallic poetry with you and you intend to read it at my enemies until their ears rupture and spill forth their wits!” The men looked confused, “No, sir, we have these pugii and…” Ichigo cut them off with a dismissive wave. “Begone! A man such as me has no need for pathetic, disorganized weaklings such as yourselves! My life is in no danger.” Then men looked annoyed, but they shrugged their shoulders and were escorted out of the villa.

Not five minutes after this interruption had ended, the servant returned again, just as the nude dancer was getting to the more… personal performance. Now Ichigo was actively angry. “WHAT IS IT NOW?!” he bellowed. The servant shrank visibly at the outburst, “Well, sir… there are some men here to see you.”

“Let me guess,” snapped Ichigo, “a small group of men, of which only one has a tongue, they’re armed with pugii and they think themselves great heroes of the Republic and have volunteered to protect me?” The servant looked puzzled, “Well, they are actually appear to be led by two men, but yes they…”

Ichigo sighed heavily. “Fine, fine. Let them in. These useless men can stay awake all night long if they like, as long as they leave me alone!” The servant turned and ran off to let the latest group of men in and instruct them to stay out of Ichigo’s way. “And you can tell the same to any other buffoons who show up to save me from the evils of the night!” With that, he turned his attentions back to the dancer, but she had fallen asleep against a column and was drooling on herself. The attraction gone, Ichigo sighed heavily and got up. At least he still had his fine decorations and could enjoy a pleasant walk to admire them before he turned in for the evening.

As he rounded a corner into a side courtyard, he saw several men blocking his path. Recognizing the scene from several nights before, he rolled his eyes. “Can you people not come up with something original for once?! Let me guess, you’ve all got gladii and you’re here to kill me.” The men looked at each other, puzzled, but after a moment they shrugged and indeed did pull out their gladii.

“Ah, very good,” sighed Ichigo, “you’re so threatening. I am absolutely terrified. Come on then, let’s get this over with, shall we? I’m tired and would like to go to bed.” The men obliged, charging forward with blades raised. Ichigo sighed, it was all so tedious. Any moment now, men would appear to fight them off and save his life. It might as well have been written by that hack, Aeschylus. Yes, his saviors would burst forth from right and left about… now.

Right on key, the group of men with two leaders appeared from their hiding places in nearby corridors. They charged out to block the path to Ichigo, waiving their blades menacingly. However, one of them glanced over to his right and did a double-take. Tapping the man next to him on the shoulder, he pointed towards another corridor. There stood a second group of gladii-wielders, looking on with amusement. The two men leading Ichigo’s saviors exchanged hesitant words, looking first at the two groups of gladii-wielders, then at Ichigo, then at the blades in their hands. After some mumbled discussion, they dropped their knives and ran.

Ichigosquinted. That wasn’t right at all. They were supposed to vanquish these annoying interlopers, not run off! Ah, well, at least it was just those overeager voters who had abandoned them. Perhaps higher taxes would teach them to follow through with their plans better. In the meantime, surely a better group of protectors would appear and dispose of these ruffians.

Ichigo looked hesitantly to right and left. No one else was in sight. Surely they were just late and would appear… now! He looked around again, seeing nothing. A single bead of sweat ran down Ichigo’s face as the gladii-armed men finally reached him, their blades thrusting forward to disembowel him. The last through that ran through his head was a niggling suspicion that he had forgotten to do something important.

…

As the Senate convened for the morning’s session, there was great commotion regarding the empty seat of the dead Optimates. For once, few of the Senators paid much attention to the note that was nailed to the Curia doors:

Friends,
I am a man of the people, just like you I enjoy pop culture and that classic cartoon family, the Simpsii. Our situation here has reminded me of one the great episodes, "The Telltale Head". I am sure you all remember the conversation between father and son:

Bartus: I was wondering. How important is it to be populares?
Homus: I'm glad you asked, son. Being populares is the most important thing
in the world!

Wishing to be a good populares, Bartus promptly ran out and cut the head off the statue of the town founder. Of course who could forget that the town founder was actually a pirate who had changed his name, hoping his past would be forgotten. Remind you of anyone? Yes, of course. Pompey. He claims to have defeated the pirates, we all know they were under his employ. He hides out under a false name, committing all sorts of cruel and evil deeds, while hoping history will paint him in a kinder light. The Simpsii can show you the way good people, if you only open your eyes. I am not the enemy, the optimates are.

You know what you need to do, good populares. Be like Bartus. Bring me the head of Pompey the Great.

Now a message from our sponsors,

"There once was a man named Ichigo
Who thought he had quite a big ego
But Senators are corrupt
And it's easy to disrupt
The plans of Sasaki Kojiro"

Alive (16):
Beefy187
Greyblades
LittleGrizzly
everyone
johnhughthom
AggonyDuck
Shinseikhaan
spL1tp3r50naL1ty
Khazaar
Jolt
Marshal Murat
Iskander 3.1
Tratorix
Ignoramus
TheFlax
Caius

Killed (13):
White_eyes:D
mini
Beskar
Yaropolk
pevergreen
Glenn
GeneralHankerchief
Andres
woad&fangs
Sasaki Kojiro
Askthepizzaguy
Gaius Scribonius Curio
Ichigo

Proscripted (8):
navarro951
Tiberius of the Drake
Cronos Impera
Cultured Drizzt fan
YLC
Atheotes
Captain Blackadder
Chaotix

WoG/Suicide (0):

It is now Day IX. You may begin voting. This day phase will end on Tuesday, June 2nd at 6:30pm EST. (Day extended a slight bit, as it would otherwise end during my evening commute, when I am obviously unavailable to end a phase.)