Re: DON'T MESS WITH THE SAKA... an epic tale of nomad conquest...
No Door Can Be Closed Forever… SERVANT, HOT TEA!!!
This night, after all the children slept, I still awake and couldn’t slept. A tiresome day isn’t? So I decide to walk toward my private wine cellar. “Hey uncle, what are you doing?” suddenly Ysamotika asked me… “Well, so you couldn’t sleep yet… let’s have a drink together…” I replied. And after arrive on the door, I opened that, and get a fine, 50 y old Chineese rice wine… “That drink is older than me… I honored to drink that with you uncle…” Ysamotika politely accept my cup of wine. “Don’t act too humble you prince… It’s me who has the honour to treat you.” I relplied calmly…
After some sip, Ysamotika asked me something about what did I do after that massacre of Khiva… well, actually, I was installed as a governor here, because I have better management skill and I didn’t scare the remaining people, and Satraces start to grumble because of the lack of amusment found here, other than mauling some Pahlavan incursion, that often happened.
“And then, he find somewhere to relieve his stress, uncle?” Ysamotika said. “Very well, he then gathering some of our tribesmen, and besiege the town of Antiocheia-Margiane.” I replied. “But while he must be very brave and impetuous, it looks like he forgot to carry or hire some infantrymen to carry the ram, and his troops are a bit too little.”
So he just try to sit down, and let his men encircling that town. Ordering all men at the city to surrender everyday, kill everyone found going from and to this town, and effectively cut out their food supply. But what is more, the Seleukid governor inside that town, Achaios Syriakos, had more armed men under his control than satraces…
“And let me guess, the enemy sally out, and Satraces beat em to pulp as always.”
“That’s true Ysamotika, too poor, they didn’t know, what cunning lies in the Satraces’ mind before they encounter them, and after that, they are more often than not to found themselves dead, even if they survive the battle because Satraces is a really selfish men, who didn’t care about the others.”
“But according to everything that I hear about you, I was sure that all your subjects said that you are a really good, selfless, and honest person uncle… you are exact opposite as him.”
“Feh, I was know that I was born as a coward compared to him, but most of our royal family are coward too… they only sit down and… I think I was drowned allready… Servant, give me some tea now instead of wine… come quick…”
After drink a cup of a hot oolong tea, now I resume my story.
Our enemy’s troop composition are quite pathetic, most of them are only lightly armed native troops, and archers. Only a few persian nobility, and some sizeable Yvana troops are present in this city, but, they are almost twice more than ours. In the other hand, our troops are mostly light armoured horse archers, but they are veteran, and some sizeable account of our nobility present.
When the enmy try to sally out, first, Satraces drawn a simple line… and let his men start to randomly thrown their arrows.
Our arrows did a really big damage on enemy’s side… it looks like they bravely present their back to us… as a real live target practise.
After that, Satraces think about something that could lure enemy into his trap, so he was think about a compeletely offensive insult, that will insult his enemies and lure them to their death. He called his move: “Da Insult”
“Come on… the one kills more, get more women! especially the noble women, their **** are ****** *****, well persian women are hot, Yvanas are hotter *****, and **** ***** ***!!!” Satraces yelled to encourage his men, and insulting those pitiful enemies.
Hearing their wives will be added as booty by Satraces, the insulted persian nobility charge the line and start angrily kicked and yelled offensive things against Satraces, and everybody who’s Saka, such as;
“Kill those bastard” “You are sonawabeach!” “Saka tribes is really lame” etc…
They put a really fierce fight, and start kicking some of our men’s butts fall down from the horse… but they run too far for their Strategos tooo…..
Being surrounded… yes, their Strategos was surrounded to all side… and some of our men reported that Achaikos Syriakos’ last words are… “I didn’t paid enough to fight…”
And we start to engulf him, and someone stab his balls with something pointy… The Seleukid Strategos was killed… and it was repported that he says… “AAARRRGGHHH my balls… you **** **** **********, AARRGGHHH!!!”
Thinking their leader bravely fought the Saka, and bravely dies, the men inside the town, sending many more men out… to face us… again…
Now we encircle them…
But some of their men put a really tough and brave fight… yes, the Tahanvare Payahdag did fight with honour that really surpass their class… give them time…
To shut the door… and we, having spent all of our arrows… waiting outside like a really hungry wolf… and that wolf was waiting someone to throw him a bone…
That was a really boring waiting game… especially the time goes by and night will be come soon… and most of the troops was thinking about running away like a loser dog, because of the closed door, and we didn’t have any ram.
At first, Satraces thinking… “Ohh we got a draw…” and ordering his men to leave the place slowly… But after a long time waiting time… NO DOOR CAN BE CLOSED FOREVER… So Satraces think about his “Da Insult” technique. So he just say:
“Ouw, those long, pointy things… I bet all the Saka has something sharper on their own… You Yvanas must have a really – really small **** with balls as big as horse’s balls, so the Yvana’s own are just like Spongebob Squarepants turned upside down!!! (Really, tuen a Spongbob Squarepants pics upside down, and what did u see?!?), come on, eat my horse’s balls!!!”
Suddenly the gate is opened… and those Yvanas with long pointy sticks dash the gates… it looks like they hope for some Horse-Balls barbecue…
Overjoyed seeing that thing happened… Satraces let his men charge the pointy sticks, killing some in the process, but it was paid with an easy acess inside that town… after that…
We just ride inside, and start massacring any men found, raping any women found, and eating any children found... and we does playing some balls…
“So uncle… you are still drowned… You talk too much about balls… SERVANT, HOT TEA!!!” and Ysamotika splash that on my face…
“Ohh.. you sonawabe …. wait… I allready hear this line when I was sending Satraces a congratulations letter for being excellent tactician after that victory…” I said
“History always repeat himself uncle…” Ysamotika said, and then, we drink together… not wine again… but a really sweet smelled ollong tea…
And I resume my story afterwards…
At least those Yvanas and Pahlavans are just plain foolish… they sent numerous pantodapoi to wrest up our cities time to time… giving us a really nice target practice… as here…
“Wow, a really lot of unarmoured opponents uncle… no surprise that we just open the gate, fire the bows, and after that counting their dead...” Ysamotika said.
“And all those silly things, we only lost 20 men, or about that… but they are easily retrained here, afterall…”
While at the north, our army didn’t get as hot target practice as us in the south, but they still fought some battle anyway… and here was an example of our northern battle…
A fight of Tavrak against Ulsafer, a minor Nomadic chieftain, but they give a real fight worthy of Nomad customs… It looks like they had a quarrel about the grazing lands, and after some insults as usual, Tavrak then try to wrest their puny town…
First, Tavrak sent his light horse archers to drawn enemy fire, and… as usual, we took some casualities, but we give more casualities to the enemies… a fierce arrow fights ensued, and at least, our army could bleed them badly, giving our superrior experience of our men…
After the light horse archers was spent, the nobles dash forward, and press on the fight… many brave men dies, but that was the price of being true warriors… They pull their spears and search for the enemy’s weakness, at least, they search the right thing to stab, been it was a hole on the armour, or just plain skin protected the heart… at least, their scale armour was handy on that situation…
Finally, he fought Ulsafer in a crowded mounted fought on the tiny town center… and it looks like ulsafer was fallen… His men afterthat, cease the resistance, and as a really worthy nomadic groups, after a peaceful surrender, we treat them humanely…
And so Victory is ours, as usual… many of those men who “dies” of our arrows are actually just wounded and knocked out, and what’s more, Ulsafer aren’t dead yet, he just broke his ribs, and we did treat him with care a nomad chieftain should have, afterall, we got him a job as some kind of nomadic advisor afterall… Personally, I think Tavrak was too selfless… he could just killed them…
It looks like we got a really good men today…
“Ouw, it looks like a really god guy, that Tavrak…”
“Yes, but that was because he was a really selfless guy… he was a benovalent governor avterall…”
“Ya, uncle, but what about Satraces, did he really got a big fun after that…”
“Yeah, but… aside from that fights… our empire grows, and we are now a respected force in that period until now… Satraces himself lead many men against Nisa… which in turn has only a few left, after repelling Baktrian siege…”
“Wow, that was we call real cunning uncle…”
“Something cunning is not too good for a warrior… apparently, my Grandpa, Sapalbizes the king of kings, actually sent Satraces to believe that his men will face tons of Pahlavan troops, but after that, their clash with Baktrian forces, annihilate most of them, and our thousands of arrows made them pincushion really quickly, so that Satraces was now asking for more better fight…”
“Yes, no door can be closed against us… we will have some kind of ram to opened them…” Ysamotika said… but now, unk… drinking too much isn’t good for your old bones, now you should sleep for your own health…” Ysamotika finally says that…
“And let me drink that Ling-Zhi mushroom soup first… that was my recipe for a really long life…” I offer him a mushroom soup, bought from Chinesse trader, and after that light meal, we go to our tent…
Why are we so…. Great….
Inside the Buddhist temple…
“Time to pray kids… don’t just sleep then, u can sleep but don’t sleep in the monk’s eyes…, chant your prayers and understand that, to the Boddhisathva…” I arrange those children to meet our enlightment, Boddhisathva, in a formal manner today…
“But grandpa… we suppose to pray to an enlightened men? what the point of that?… His looks was looks nothing like the beautiful Anahita, or muscled Zeus-Azhura Mazda… just a plain fat gold statue, with no special features” Some of the child protest my “religious arrangement”…
“Don’t worry, just pray to any god you believe then instead if u don’t have any faith in Buddha…” Ysamotika replied… “I myself prefer to pray in Buddhist temple… but that was the best “Religious choice” afterall, the Yvanas’ god, and Persian gods… Sucks… we have defeated them…” … he says more…
“Well Ysamotika… It looks like u give that local Buddhist temple here a really huge donation, to made some new golden stupas’ eh…? You must be a really devoted Buddhist instead…!” I praise that kindness of Ysamotika have…
“Nope, uncle… I just hope to pay for our ancestor’s “Greatness’ Sin” that cost them the total annihilation of that two pesky people, the Baktrian Yvanas was Olympios Gods’ worshippers, and the effaminate Nomad, Pahlavans… worship Eastern pantheons, aside from Zuruastran teaching, that’s why I prefer Buddhism” Ysamotika replied.
“Oh… so let’s pray than made those kids stratch their head about religious matters… If they want to pray with something real and will save this damned world, just made sure you made sure Hierosolyma’s safety.”
“Ahh… that news from those monotheistic merchants… did u believe them uncle?”
“Hey, Ysamotika, let’s pray then… It looks like in another dimension… those kind of faith will dominate the wolrd… at least, some of those monks say so after their trance… about 200 years after this moment, a saviour will be born, in another dimension of course, But this was our dimension, and we did deserve some religious rights, yes? so don’t laugh at them… Pluralism is best served with kindness”
“Hehehe, that made me remembers my recent campaign on Antioch front, about facing tons of monotheistic troopers, yeah, aside from genuinely honor boddhisathva, I did feel that the monks here had no sense of fashion, they had so many bald heads…”
“HUSH!!! don’t say that here!!! That’s still a long time before we will hear your own story, this time is Satraces’ time…”
After that, we sit on the silken carpet, the monks prepared, and eat some delicious vegetable stews… Afterall, eating healthy food doesn’t hurt, yes? So, after that, the children demands me to say a story or two about Satraces, again…
A Pitiful Revenge
After those massacre of Nisa, the Pahlavans think about revenge, or to relief that town, so they sent some decent army to meet us on the field. That army was entering our territory and wreak havoc in the countryside for some time, but they just wreak havoc to some really unimportant countryside, and does nothing more harm. But a sight of a foreign army living of our lands was still an insult, and Satraces now lead our men to kick their ass…
Their army was mostly comprised of those light mardian foot archers, and some sizeable sum of light horse archers. A significant ammount of Dahae nobles are present too… But in turns, our army’s major force is some really badass noble horse archers, who had some of their pastoralist villagers follows with just some spears, bows, and shields, with no horse… afterall, they was just a local garrison force, that brought only to supplement our numbers…
We place the infantry in the center, right behind them is foot archers, and we put the nobles on the flank, pretty standard tactics…
And the footmen draw their bows and… “AAARRRGGHHHHH MY BALLLSSSS!!!”
Our first victim was an unsuspecting dracone bearer… he was killed by unfortunate arrow fire from those foot archers at his balls (We did examine his corpse for what he shouts… apparently he said the right thing…) we say our nobles to hold their fire, so they could use that on a really good back position…
The Spearmen was instructed to kneel, not to interfere with their foot archer’s aim, and they was happily did that, apparently, they like their sit down position, and this works wonders against some pahlava shivatirs that try to get rid of them… While our nobles try to flank them, and after they got a really nice point of view, they start to unleash their arrows too… Distracted by our infantry, their cavalrymen was made some futile attempt to kill our archers, but then our spearmen stand up, although some older men complaints their creaking bones, and the spearmen get some quick work on them… even dahae nobles could’t stand the spearmen and some start to routs…
It looks like the Mardian archers was no more than massive arrow fodders, we just close up, and they routs… soo many of them are killed, and we did enjoy this moment, if not some dahae nobles survived the spears, and start sending some of our footmen to reincarnation… leaving Satraces to personally helped them to get their own reincarnation.
But that’s still count for a clear victory… most of our deaths was those poor infantry, and they lost most of their nobles in replies… no matter, the infantry will be retrained, and the nobles pressed on their way to Baktra… A pitiful way of Pahlavan revenge afterall, is the best titles that we’ve got for this battle…
The Capture of Baktra
The Baktrian royal residence of Baktra was largely lightly defended, after a failed Seleukid incursion, so now is our time to do the same thing…
After some months of Siege, we’ve got our reinforcements of some freshly retrained spearmen and foot archers, that was first intended to create a riot infantry inside Baktra, but afterall, they are not really needed, if those horses could be ordered to pull a ram… so that footmen was actually do nothing than adding their share of numbers, because they are just a puny in strength, compared to our badass nobles… In the other hand, those Baktrians had a really pitiful relief force, as they carry those mighty pantodapois, that was actually worse than our nomadic watchmen, and also had large force of mostly light troops. But at least, they had the famed Baktrian Royal guardsmen, that actually (as our spies says), repel seleukid invasion without taking any loss (it looks like they didn’t fight afterall, as we suspect they didn’t have any balls), and those Yvanas Cataphract… we still didn’t have any real Cataphracts yet… (but what the **** that they have their cataphracts? those Pahlavans even still don’t field them, and Sauro didn’t fight with Baktria (they are way too far), well, that was really impressive cataphracts, so we’ve better manufacture our own melee cataphracts…)
Because we are on the defensive now, we just got a standard procedure… Place infantry on the center, and those nobles on the flanks…foot archers on the backs, and let them come first…
Bored on waiting, Satraces personally lead the left flank to maul enemy line first… he leads our nobles gloriously.
“Men, just fire your bows please… we’ve got some Yvanas to made into pincushions… ouw, that was the prodromoi… one two… now get them.”
“AAARRGGGHHH... AAARRRGGHHHHH… my balls”
“Good, now aim for those Ksatriyas, one two three four five”
“AARHHHHGGGGGHHHHSSSSS……..my heart…… AAARRRGGGHHH……”
“Now they are dead, hey, this time you miss their balls! what we should do next men?”
“Pantodapoi barbecue…”
“Let’s do then, pantodapoi are best served with arrows…”
“But lord, they are best served with spears, may we close up to impale them?”
“Do as you want lads…”
And then, we close up to those pantodapoi, and start impaling them with our spears. As predicted, those pantodapoi are too pathetic, we got them cleaned only in a little time… so Satraces decide…
“Right flank… forward…”
So our right flank was goes and start made their own pincushion too… And, afterthat, Satraces do his ultimate technigues, ‘Da Insult’ to lure Heliokeles Baktrios!!!
“Heliokeles Baktrios, that guys stinks!!! He was sonawabeach!!! Baktrian Royal family was sonawabeach!!! and his wife are really hot… afterthat, try her men!!!” Satraces says that very loudly, and as expected, Heliokeles Baktrios rushing forward to slap Satraces’ face with his Kopis.
“I kill u Satraces… so it was you that woo my wife…!!!”
“Hey… it was my spy afterall… I TRY HER NEXT TIME!!” and…
The nobles surround Heliokeles Baktrios, pretty quickly, and then, dispatch him with a quick stab on his balls, severing them…
“AAARRRGGGHHHHH, MY BALLLSSS!!!!!” and Heliokeles Baktrios was fallen and trampled under tens of horses…
“Hey, His shield is mine…!!!! don’t trample them… oohh, I was too late” Satraces said, who told him to carry those sexy shield afterall those sexy pics was tainted by lots of horseshoes marks…
Even the nobles and foot archers work for the fight, the spearmen just stand idly, waiting for their turn is booring condition…
“Hey what should we do lord?”
“Just keep your foot in the right place… we’ve got some long pointy things to be taken care of, and this needs you” Satraces asid as he ordered the nobles, to rearrange themselves on the right flank…
“Look lord, the Baktrian reinforcements was coming”
“Ugh, how long must we wait… ohh, those long pointy things… men, prepare yourself, in my third count… the Spearmen must run and hold those long, pointy things.. understand?”
“Sir, Yes Sir”… and our lines was prepared for the inevitable clash, again…
“Run down those pointy things!!!” and the spearmen quickly overwhelm the men with pointy things, and you won’t believe, how quick they was routed on contact…
It looks like the Baktrian condition was hopeless, and their famed royal guards and Cataphracts was preparing themselves to the worst thing… yes… worst thing for them as we mercilessly use sheer ammount of numbers to mob up them…
“Those Sexy shield, I want them!!!!” Satraces say… and his men now try to mug those sexy baktrian shield from his Owner.
“Hey! That was mine… aarrrghhhh… my ballsss…..” and Zoilos Marakandios dies, with someone’s kontos impaled on his balls…
Than we just ride down our remaining opposition, an really easy task after their leader was died…
And we’ve got a victory again…
After that, the enemy routs, and we massacre most of the Baktrians… well… that’s was solely for the money now… wakakakaakaka……..
“EHEM” a big cough, and what we see was some monks standing behind us.
“Soory, but it was me who are too carried by th story, sirs…” I offer my sincrere sorry for my parental advisory Story…
“No problem then, we’ve just enjoy your story lord Moga… you only talk too much about balls, and it looks like your audience was too young to hear that, so next time, please have more modest storytelling here, btw we only here to sent extra food for the childrens…” One of them said that, and now they offer us some steamed lotus…
“Thanks, but that wasn’t my failure, I just telling them that Satraces was really really A Completely Offensive Person, and I just talk what actually I’ve heard”
“You must be really really drunk now… Servant… hot tea…”
“Wait, wait… I didn’t drunk today… don’t splash my face with hot tea again…”
“Oh, next time, that wasn’t “parental advisory” again, this will be “family” rated… or we will have a hot tea for you…”
“It’s ok then… so.. let’s eat again…” I said that, and we happily eat those tasty foods…
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