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Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
http://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/...er-to-america/
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
http://starrgazr.wordpress.com/2008/...er-to-america/
Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.
lulz
But I remember a thread about how "US English" is actually closer to the English of a few centuries ago compared to how it has evolved here in Britain.
But I remember a thread about how "US English" is actually closer to the English of a few centuries ago compared to how it has evolved here in Britain.
Originally Posted by Lemur:
Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.
You can never have enough lulz. Besides, have those circumstances changed that inspired the Minister of Silly Walks to write this letter in the first place? Pretty sure this was posted in the Backroom sometime in the year and a half since it was written.
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost:
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost:
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Let's hear it. There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost:
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
There's an American reply too, and I've seen a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
awesome, please do so. lol.
Being a great fan of British humour, I venture to say this is not John Cleese / Monthy Python's style. 
Originally Posted by :
a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Oh please, oh please! Let's hear it! a formal response as written by the French (re-asserting sovereignty over England because they let a Welshman onto the throne). I'll see if I can find the latter, which is guaranteed to wind up the English.
Originally Posted by PowerWizard:
It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.
That's why he said variant. It can't be from 2000, since it mentions Gordon Brown, who assumed office in 2007.
It's been around for a while.Originally Posted by Letter:
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
This is the clue, it's from Bush 43, either v1.0 or v2.0.In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?
Originally Posted by :
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Oh and looks like point 10 needs not to be implemented, as US car industry is already collapsing. I'm not happy with it though, as some of my favourite models are made there.
It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus. 
Originally Posted by PowerWizard:
Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?
It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.Are you assuming Obama is a competent president? What do you base your claim upon?
Originally Posted by drone:
It doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_wellIt doesn't matter if I think that or not. I seriously doubt that "John Cleese" would start a letter with those words after the election of a Democrat as our President. The letter is being re-used, with slight alterations to make it more modern.
Originally Posted by PowerWizard:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well
Not_funnyhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well
I thought you Brits cared for us
That's it!
France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.
Originally Posted by drone:
Originally Posted by drone:
Originally Posted by KarlXII:
Not_funny
I thought you Brits cared for us
That's it!
France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.
Ich bin kein Englander.Not_funny
I thought you Brits cared for us
That's it!
France! Oh France! We didn't really mean to rename your beautiful fries and toast.
According to snopes, Cleese didn't write the piece but I bet he would delivery it very well. Here's one rebuttal I found and edited ever so slightly.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
-slapping politicians that are too full of themselves. By the way, when she gets done setting the Isles straight, we could use her in DC.Are you accusing me of using a logical fallacy to support my argument that the letter is teh old? Or that "John Cleese" is poisoning the well with his opening statement?
Originally Posted by :
France! Oh France!
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!France! Oh France!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Originally Posted by InsaneApache:
As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains.
Mon dieu! We would never interfere in British politics in this vile manner! As far as we are concerned, Brown's staying firmly put. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains.
How can you say revocation wrong? Then again how do you poms say it? Maybe us aussies say it wrong as well. I pronounce it rev-oc-ay-shun
I pronounce it rev-oc-ay-shunDear Perfidious Albion:
We believe that you are confused about the nature of our independence. Apparently it is you who misunderstand revocation, or perhaps your inability to do so.
You see, one letter containing many erroneously placed 'u's doesn't actually affect anything. You'd have to come over here and attempt to enforce your will. And that's the second thing; we've got an awful lot of nice guns over here in America. And we've got an awful lot of people who know how to shoot them. And considering the difficulty your army had securing one city with less than 3 million people, I don't think they'd have much of a chance over here.
So any attempt to actually enforce your letter would end like the Revolutionary War, except quicker. France could get in on the action too.
And we'll have to put an end to this talk of a "special relationship" and just declare what everyone knows; that the UK is a vassal of the US. That way, we can make you stop your annoying whining about us dumping Gitmo inmates in Bermuda. And we'll give your leaders DVDs that don't work and make you say thanks.
CR
We believe that you are confused about the nature of our independence. Apparently it is you who misunderstand revocation, or perhaps your inability to do so.
You see, one letter containing many erroneously placed 'u's doesn't actually affect anything. You'd have to come over here and attempt to enforce your will. And that's the second thing; we've got an awful lot of nice guns over here in America. And we've got an awful lot of people who know how to shoot them. And considering the difficulty your army had securing one city with less than 3 million people, I don't think they'd have much of a chance over here.
So any attempt to actually enforce your letter would end like the Revolutionary War, except quicker. France could get in on the action too.
And we'll have to put an end to this talk of a "special relationship" and just declare what everyone knows; that the UK is a vassal of the US. That way, we can make you stop your annoying whining about us dumping Gitmo inmates in Bermuda. And we'll give your leaders DVDs that don't work and make you say thanks.
CR
Originally Posted by Banquo's Ghost:
It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.It's very old - at the very least back to 2000 (circulated after President Bush's election) and I'm sure I saw a variant a long time before that.
Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat:
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Boy, is that picture wrong. We pruds here in the US of A would not flash our boobs...except for those shown on CSPAN. Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Originally Posted by Pannonian:
Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.
Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).
Now it's starting to come back to me. It originated from the Florida fiasco in the 2000 elections. Snopes investigation traces it back to Alan Baxter in an internal newsgroup in November 2000, which was later expanded. The first publicly accessible version was posted to sci.military.naval by Peter Rieden on 15th November 2000.
Hmm, Snopes wasn't as thorough as usual on this one. Posted at the same time as Rieden's version, within the same thread, is a 4 item version by TJ, meaning they must have taken that from somewhere (probably Baxter's original).
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat:
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Originally Posted by :
Ich bin kein Englander.
You are no Englander?Ich bin kein Englander.
Ich bin einer Englander nicht.
Originally Posted by InsaneApache:
It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus.
Don't remind everyone of Gordon Brown and Obama beach.It's true, it's from nearly a decade ago, just after shrub was elected the first time. As for the French taking over the UK. Please do. You could start with taking Brown back to Paris in chains. He'd look great being paraded down the champs elesus.
What was the worse, the Germans got a silent respect in Normandy while Gordon Brown was boo'd by the veterans... when you are getting a far worse reception than the Germans at Normandy as the British Prime-Minister, then something must be wrong.
Originally Posted by Louis VI the Fat:
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
Fear not! We shall guard the honour of virgin America against all of Albion's perfidious schemes!
Allegory of France shielding her young innocent sister America.
She looks like she's about to smack him in the face for touching her...Also, hasn't France gone through multiple tumultuous changes in Government since she became a Republic? We only had one in the 1788, before you were even France; so technically, that makes us the older sibling.
@The original post: America's response (at 0:04 -- also, strong language advisory.) I think we will both find it fitting.
I wasn't able to find it again on the intertubes, but a friend still had a version saved.
His Most Christian Majesty, Francis I of France, does hereby announce the revocation of the latitude allowed to the Duchy of Normandie et Angleterre (popularly known as England). Since the common people of that land have seen fit to overthrow their French lords and instate some random Welshman onto their 'throne", it is the noble duty of His Christian Majesty to reassert tight control lest their madness put at risk the valuable wool trade.
His Most Christian Majesty therefore requires:
1. That the English look up the word "révocation" in the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. You will find you have been pronouncing it wrong. This is true of most of your gutteral croakings. Please speak more seductively.
2. Stop stealing words from other people. You will find French is quite enough for anyone's use and you only confuse the Germans. Learn French properly and stop shouting. "Paris vaut bien une messe" is a devastating quip on the Reformation, not a comment on the amount of dog turd fouling the capital.
3. You will be required to accept that you will never win the World Cup again. Ever. Getting your hopes up only to be dashed by the second game, whilst endlessly amusing to the Continent is, nonetheless, counter-productive to good morale and productivity. Just inventing a sport does not give you any further right to win at it. If this was your aim, you should have done what the Americans did and invent sports that no-one else plays whilst still calling it a world championship.
4. There is no such thing as English wine. The stuff you label thus is actually window cleaner. Get over it.
5. You are ordered to control the common soldiery. As the Queen would note, a man's tongue should be put to better use. Sticking it out to insult piles of French knights lying in the mud like pincushions is not the correct usage at all. If you continue to permit such disorderly behaviour, you will end up being ruled by girls, red-headed step-children and ugly men with warts who hate dancing. Possibly even Germans. Be warned.
6. Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. No wonder you all get bladdered every Saturday night. Honestly, Welsh sheep were the wrong answer.
7. You are no longer allowed to portray your French masters as effeminate. It wasn't us who had the gayest war in history and called it the War of the Roses.
8. Warm beer is wrong on so many levels. Quantity does not trump quality, though we understand why you are trying to wash the taste away.
9. Your second Welsh "king" appears to have converted to Islam. If you really want a polygamous ruler, we can arrange to sell you to the Ottomans.
10. By the way, you can have America. You have no idea how much trouble it is going to be.
11. Chivalry. You're doing it wrong. The correct form when outnumbered by the flower of French nobility is to roll over and die in good order. Hiding behind a bog filled with pointy sticks and shooting at us is just not cricket.
12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.
13. Really, you don't need to work so hard. No-one really cares. Your boss thinks you're an idiot. The Anglo-Saxon work ethic is merely a device to ensure you don't spend even more time senseless with drink.
14. Whatever the Tudors tell you, five sheep tethered to a pole do not make a leisure centre.
15. We understand that with the quality of the women available, why you make love only once per year for fifteen seconds and the light out. We have no desire to be excessively cruel, so you can continue.
16. It is our regal duty to remind you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
His Most Christian Majesty, Francis I of France, does hereby announce the revocation of the latitude allowed to the Duchy of Normandie et Angleterre (popularly known as England). Since the common people of that land have seen fit to overthrow their French lords and instate some random Welshman onto their 'throne", it is the noble duty of His Christian Majesty to reassert tight control lest their madness put at risk the valuable wool trade.
His Most Christian Majesty therefore requires:
1. That the English look up the word "révocation" in the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. You will find you have been pronouncing it wrong. This is true of most of your gutteral croakings. Please speak more seductively.
2. Stop stealing words from other people. You will find French is quite enough for anyone's use and you only confuse the Germans. Learn French properly and stop shouting. "Paris vaut bien une messe" is a devastating quip on the Reformation, not a comment on the amount of dog turd fouling the capital.
3. You will be required to accept that you will never win the World Cup again. Ever. Getting your hopes up only to be dashed by the second game, whilst endlessly amusing to the Continent is, nonetheless, counter-productive to good morale and productivity. Just inventing a sport does not give you any further right to win at it. If this was your aim, you should have done what the Americans did and invent sports that no-one else plays whilst still calling it a world championship.
4. There is no such thing as English wine. The stuff you label thus is actually window cleaner. Get over it.
5. You are ordered to control the common soldiery. As the Queen would note, a man's tongue should be put to better use. Sticking it out to insult piles of French knights lying in the mud like pincushions is not the correct usage at all. If you continue to permit such disorderly behaviour, you will end up being ruled by girls, red-headed step-children and ugly men with warts who hate dancing. Possibly even Germans. Be warned.
6. Believe us, you will thank us for the tip about tongue use. Down there, you will no longer have to look at English women who hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down. No wonder you all get bladdered every Saturday night. Honestly, Welsh sheep were the wrong answer.
7. You are no longer allowed to portray your French masters as effeminate. It wasn't us who had the gayest war in history and called it the War of the Roses.
8. Warm beer is wrong on so many levels. Quantity does not trump quality, though we understand why you are trying to wash the taste away.
9. Your second Welsh "king" appears to have converted to Islam. If you really want a polygamous ruler, we can arrange to sell you to the Ottomans.
10. By the way, you can have America. You have no idea how much trouble it is going to be.
11. Chivalry. You're doing it wrong. The correct form when outnumbered by the flower of French nobility is to roll over and die in good order. Hiding behind a bog filled with pointy sticks and shooting at us is just not cricket.
12. Snails are tasty. You will learn to like them. They do not require suet to be tasty. Nothing requires suet.
13. Really, you don't need to work so hard. No-one really cares. Your boss thinks you're an idiot. The Anglo-Saxon work ethic is merely a device to ensure you don't spend even more time senseless with drink.
14. Whatever the Tudors tell you, five sheep tethered to a pole do not make a leisure centre.
15. We understand that with the quality of the women available, why you make love only once per year for fifteen seconds and the light out. We have no desire to be excessively cruel, so you can continue.
16. It is our regal duty to remind you that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
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