Calling the Mac experts

[Lemur]

No free guides?

Many, of varying depth and quality. Here's a pretty good one oriented at first time users who are used to Windows (sadly it's four years out of date, but much of it still applies). Here's a more recent guide.

Will the OS insist I tailor it, or will it accept the fact it's a fresh install and let me get on with my life without nagging and showing off its features? I can't stand the ever increasing trend in computers and consoles to waste user time with nonsense like creating profiles.

As I said, OS X is a variant of Unix, so you have to create a profile. By default you'll be an admin (not root, thank goodness). But Unix doesn't know what to do with you unless you have some sort of profile, which defines permissions and access rights.

If memory serves there's a moderately irritating video, and then you have to do things like type in your name, timezone, and a few settings. Nothing too horrifying.

I shouldn't have any problems stuffing any and all internet browsers in an out of the way location, should I? Little icons which whisper at me to check [insert site or email here] need to be left behind on the desktop; their presence is a constant distraction and I know I would do far better without them.

The desktop and taskbar are fully customizable. If you want an app to hide in the Programs folder and never show up in your field of view, that's eminently doable.