Far from the eyes, far from heart

[Meneldil]

I was going to write a very long post, but I'll keep it short.

While I was studying in Canada, I've dated a girl from there. Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together for almost one month, went on a trip for two weeks, etc. I had a really good time with her, and was trully sad to leave her at the airport.

Thing is, since I'm back in France, I'm not really bothering anymore, while she's more in the 'totally in love' spirit. She gets mad if we don't chat daily, if I don't write to her weekly. She keeps praising me and telling me how awesome I am (which I find deeply annoying).
She's also arguably not as well-educated as the people I hang out with most of the time, and coming back to France, I realized just how much I've been missing arguing and getting mad about politics and stuff. Honestly, there's no way I could argue and discuss these things with her, because she barely knows anything outside of Canada (though I blame Canada's terribad education system rather than herself for this). Furthermore, she's seeing all her friends getting married, and wants me to move to the UK with her. There's now way 1 - I'm going to live in the UK 2 - I'm going to live with some girl and get into something serious while I'm only 23.

So, while I receive letters in which she tells me that she keeps thinking about me, I feel like lying everytime I write 'I miss you'.
Now, she's coming to visit me in two weeks. In any case, my plan is to break up at some point. Thing is, I cannot break up before she visits (she already booked the tickets), or while she's visiting ('Hey, I'm glad you finally paid 1200$CAN on this tickets to visit me. Oh, we should break up btw').
I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy seeing her, and spend some good time, but this long distance relationship will start to bother me again as soon as she will have left.

My (girl)friends advised me to break up as soon as possible, as the longer I'll wait, the more sad she'll be when I'll tell her to find someone else. But I know she's going through a difficult period, and I think that breaking up would only make it harder for her. So my plan is to slowly get her to realize that our relationship can't work, that I don't want to get into something serious at the moment, that I'm actually an ass, etc. etc.

Any advice?

Being an adult and acting in a responsible way is slowly starting to piss me off

Edit: Damn, and here I was trying to write a short post.

[Husar]

Well, on one hand you do yound like an ass but on the other hand you seem to care about her feelings, why didn't you quit before she bought the tickets? Now that you are that far, I'd say go ahead, let her visit, think about it again afterwards and maybe she's willing to move to France instead of the UK.

[Lemur]

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

[Husar]

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Didn't consider that but yeah, especially if she can get some money back, don't even let her come, like I said, should have quit before she even bough the tickets.

[Hooahguy]

im with lemur on this one.
the more you wait the more she will think you are waiting for her.

[Samurai Waki]

Man up and let her know how you feel. Her ego/heart will surely get bruised, for awhile, but in the long term you're doing both her and you a favor. You don't have to give her the specific reasons why, like her education (or lack thereof) just that you don't feel like it's a match and its better to part ways while things aren't too intense.

[Tratorix]

You should tell her, no sense in her wasting time on a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Though I'd suggest that when you break up with her you emphasize the long distance thing and avoid insulting her intelligence.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

So, while I receive letters in which she tells me that she keeps thinking about me, I feel like lying everytime I write 'I miss you'.
Now, she's coming to visit me in two weeks. In any case, my plan is to break up at some point. Thing is, I cannot break up before she visits (she already booked the tickets), or while she's visiting ('Hey, I'm glad you finally paid 1200$CAN on this tickets to visit me. Oh, we should break up btw').
I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy seeing her, and spend some good time, but this long distance relationship will start to bother me again as soon as she will have left.

This is, frankly, the worst kind of womanish thinking, I wouldn't want it done to me, nor I suspect would you. So...

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

Do this.

[pevergreen]

Lies are bad, even when they are for the best.

Or you could just be Chaotic Evil. Ruin her life etc. I don't reccomend it though.

[caravel]

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

I have to agree with my esteemed colleague - in that you need to be blunt and stop this before it gets any further. Long distance relationships can work and if you feel strongly enough about anyone you'll go with them to any place or country. This is clearly not the case for you, in that you are not ready and do not feel strongly enough, so in view of this you should do the right thing and the decent thing and inform the young lady forthwith.

[Lemur]

Um, I probably shouldn't have used the word "brutal" in my original post, but it certainly feels brutal when you're telling someone you don't have feelings, or sufficient feelings for them. It never feels gentle, that's for sure.

This is really a classic do-unto-others situation. If you were fixing to run off to another country to see the woman you really, truly believed was your soul mate, and if she were thinking "Ehhhhh," wouldn't you want to know as soon as possible?

Personal example: I was going to break up with a girl. I felt that such things should be done face-to-face, not over the phone, especially since we lived in the same city. (If it were a LD relationship I would have approached it differently.) So I invited her to dinner.

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

So imagine how a girl will feel if you delay weeks to let her know that the relationship has become a one-way street. Not good.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

There's no good way to break someone's heart. One might argue that you should be as cruel and brutal as possible, make here really hate you so that she never wants to think about you again. A "gentle" end might encourage her to hope things may change in the future.

[Samurai Waki]

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

So imagine how a girl will feel if you delay weeks to let her know that the relationship has become a one-way street. Not good.

I can vouch for this bit of advice as well.

[Megas Methuselah]

Rather than ruin the meal, I waited until we were both done to drop the bomb. She was furious. "Why didn't you tell me before we ate?" she yelled.

"I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good dinner," I responded. She wasn't buying it, and felt that I had been cruel and vicious by waiting a half-hour to tell her.

Lol, niiice response!

[Ramses II CP]

Be brutal and honest as early as you can possibly bring yourself to do it. She might be able to get partial reimbursement for the tickets. Do not let her get on that plane, not feeling the way you feel.

Delay is not your friend. White lies are not your friend. Man up and do what needs doing.

[Louis VI the Fat]

Now I remember: 'out of sight, out of mind'.


Which leads me to the observation, that in English you have your loved ones in mind, in French in your heart. Semantics is important. A language is a universe, a philosophy.

[Togakure]

Honesty is important, "brutality" certainly isn't. Timing is key.

The "right" solution for you depends on what kind of a man you are. That's not something I nor anyone else here can decide. I've found that what goes around does tend to come around; as time passes, people will get a read on you based on situations like this and how you handle them, and handle you accordingly.

Good luck.

[KukriKhan]

From what was written in the OP, the woman has been in charge of the relationship so far, and our brother Meneldil has merely politely gone along for the ride.

Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together for almost one month, went on a trip for two weeks, etc. I had a really good time with her...

Remember this bit; it's part of your manly education, along with discovering your politics and finding your drinking capacity. Polite consent is often a good thing, but in man-woman relationships, the woman will misunderstand your level of commitment if you just blithely go along with her.

So, in future, avoid that " Unexpectedly, things got a bit serious, we lived together..." part. It puts ideas of permanence in a woman's head & heart - and correcting that idea later will hurt her, needlessly.

So, now you must decide to

1) correct her idea, or
2) continue to play along

From your OP, it is clear that you already know what must be done. And your friends here agree with you: you must correct, and soon.

I would correct her, by an honest letter, tomorrow, and turn off your cell-phone for a week - to let it sink in. She will think poorly of you, rage at you, and probably call you names. But you have to take it, as the price of having accidentally misled her. It's what a man does when he has caused offense, however good his intentions were to start.

Good luck.

p.s. I whisper: you'll feel better in 1 month, after you don't have this weight on your head/heart anymore.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
Nothing -eventually- hurts more than concealing the truth or just giving hints trying not to hurt. Be clear and be quick.
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