Go forth and multiply
(Note: This is a thread seeking advice on whether to have children. You'll probably want to skip it unless that interests you.)
My wife and I both turned 31 within the last few weeks. We've been together since we were 21 and we've been married since we were 26. We have talked about having children many times over the years. Our conclusions have always been the same: we're pretty sure we want a single child (just one) eventually, but we know we don't want it now. Something about 31 has made this conversation warp a bit this time around. My wife has numerous medical concerns, both for the baby and herself, that make her believe that she should not have a baby after age 35. I do not disagree with this, but 31 is a lot closer to 35 than 26 was. Uncomfortably closer, for both of us.
The problem is that our opinions haven't changed. Neither of us want a child right now, we know that for sure. We are both lawyers, we both work full-time, and we are simply having a lot of fun in life right now. With two incomes, we have a very decent lifestyle and are both upwardly mobile within our own careers as well. We enjoy our freedom, both physically and financially, and we are totally content with each others' company.
A child seems very threatening to our lifestyle. We will lose our freedom almost completely for several years, and it will be reduced from its current level even after the child is no longer an infant. We will certainly be able to afford the child, but there's no question it will result in a significant impact on our finances. We simply won't be able to spend like we do now, take the types of vacations we want, and do other frivolous things whenever we feel like it. In addition, we will rarely ever be alone again. We are best friends in addition to spouses, and we enjoy spending a lot of time alone.
Thus, we are both very concerned that a child will damage a lot of the aspects about our lives that we value very highly. At the same time, there are many reasons to have a child. I have a great relationship with my parents and I would love to be able to share that kind of life with a child of my own. Both my wife and I find the prospect of teaching a child about the world and watching them grow up to be somewhat thrilling. We think that raising a child together and seeing him/her grow into a successful adult would add another layer of bonding to our already close connection. We both want to share things that we enjoyed as children with a child of our own: holidays, camping, bedtime stories, etc. Society as a whole also seems to proclaim that having children is a great and rewarding thing and that it brings with it joy that we’d have to be fools to miss out on.
My wife has her own particular concerns about children. She does not think her parents have ever been happy since she was born, and while she knows they love her, she's not sure they love each other. She is very much afraid of losing her identity; she is a smart, capable and ambitious attorney with a strong career and hobbies that she enjoys. She definitely does not want to give that up to raise a child, but she constantly sees women around her changing from being 'Emily' or 'Susan' into 'Mom' or 'Mother.' She told me that a great number of her female work colleagues are consumed by maternal guilt and feel horrible if they do anything for themselves or put the baby down for even a minute to do something as innocuous as take a shower. She is also greatly concerned about the physical changes it will have on her body. She spent a lot of her life feeling unattractive and uncomfortable with her body. That is no longer the case. She is, to be blunt, thin, attractive, in great shape, and fashion-conscious. Feeling good about her appearance has done wonders for her self-esteem. The prospect of having a lot of that permanently altered by the physical process of pregnancy and childbirth is understandably frightening to her.
In addition, both of us have observed alarming changes in some of our friends when they have children. Honestly, most of them become boring and annoying and cannot talk about anything in life other than their kids. We have drifted away from several couples we used to be friends with because after they had a child, spending time with them became uncomfortable because the only thing they could talk about was something we can’t relate to. While if we had a child, our childfree friends would surely think the same of us, we don’t want to be that way all of the time. We have some friends that we would like to continue seeing, even if we have kids and they don’t, or if our kids are different ages.
So, what this all comes down to is that we don't know whether we want to have children or not. The clock is ticking away on us, and there simply isn’t enough time left to fit in all the things we want to do in life before age 35. Thus, we are now faced with deciding whether to choose a child over our own lives. We are very happy with our lives at the moment and we are afraid of losing that. We hear and read a great deal that indicates that having a child can be extremely rewarding, but we also read things that say that most people are less happy after they have children. We are attracted by the idea of creating a new person and introducing them to this world, but we don’t want to lose our freedom, our traveling, our lifestyles, and especially ourselves.
I would appreciate advice and perspective from anyone who has gone through this process themselves; whether you chose to have children or chose not to. What decision did you make, why, and how happy are you now in comparison to how you were before? Also if you chose to have children, how old were you?
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Originally Posted by TinCow
Groups of friends will quickly split into the child-laden vs the childless.
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