Go forth and multiply

**Brenus** · 08-31-2009, 21:30

As a person who hadn’t children of his own (as far as I know as I speak to a lawyer) but now I have a parental duty as my wife’s daughter being a teenage pregnant…

I have to say it wasn’t a choice at first, not to have children. I got divorced then I did a lot of things. No child means I went to a lot of countries, did some dangerous jobs, risked my life few times and almost lost the gamble…
It was great: the wind of Bosnia, Sarajevo when sun rises, the dolphins in the Red sea, the mud and the rain in Zaire, the snow in Russia and others things. That is for the no-child option.
I was free, enjoyed it.

Now, when I put my grand-daughter to bed, when I dry her tears, when a little mouth is quietly sucking her dummy, I know why I did all what I did.
When her little arms are around my neck, when her small breath calm down and she goes to sleep, sure to be protected, sure that nobody will come to arm her, I find the reasons why I joined the Army long time ago.
I can’t describe the feeling to have her, to see her moving, thinking, being a human in motion. Her cheekiness, the fact she know she is ruling over me, and the love I have for her…

So, when walking from work, from a usual job, not a job where I save the victims of cataclysms (human made or nature made) I wonder when I was happy.
Well, in both.
When I had the adrenalin rush, when I saved lives, when I run under shells and bullets I was.
When I cover her small body with her blanket, when I give her the good night kiss, I am happy.

It is not or.. or..
It is instead. There is no unique answer.
Our future is in (mostly) in our hands. We can be happy with or without children…

Don’t be scared. It is just another life where priorities are different, where entertainment is different, where all is different.
Now, I heard a lot of colleagues who refer to the life before kids as the Golden Age, ignoring the fact that they didn’t do a lot of things at that time.
They idealised these moments so spoil the moment they live now.
I remember one of my friends driving me to the airport for an overseas mission. He envied me. But the night before, when I saw him with his young baby I was crying of jealousy.

For me, to have kids or not was never a choice. Life did it.
So, you want a kid, just do it. Yes, it will change your life but nobody can tell you if it will be for the best or the worst.

In life there are no if no but. What if I have chosen the Foreign Legion? What if I didn’t divorce? What if…
Whatever the choice you will do, you will never be able to be sure it was the right one.

**Sasaki Kojiro** · 08-31-2009, 21:44

Well, I don't have any experience with having children. But I think all your concerns are very valid, and it seems like the health concern with age thing is what's putting the pressure on. How viable a choice is adoption instead of having your own child? You could decide to adopt if you ever reach the point where you really want kids.

**The Celtic Viking** · 08-31-2009, 22:26

Personally, I have decided not to have a kid. I understand the appeal that they can give, and I like kids, but babies are a pain in the ass, they cost too much and I want to live my life wholly for myself. You will forever be giving up the life you live now if you have a baby; it will change dramatically, and I would argue for the worse. Mostly because you will likely join the child-worshipping zombies you speak of.

(As an added bonus for not having a baby, it's better for the environment.)

If you are not 100% sure that you do want a baby, I would strongly advice against having one, because having a baby is not something you should take lightly; they don't call it a lifetime job for nothing. If you do pass the age of 36 and then decide you want one, you can adopt a kid instead, but I want to stress how important it is for you to be sure about it first; both for your own sake, and for the baby's. Anything else would be irresponsible.

**drone** · 08-31-2009, 23:08

I have also decided against children. I'm a fairly selfish person with my time, I understand what sacrifices are necessary to raise a child properly, and I don't think I am willing to do it. Better to not have any kids than to raise them half-*****. But that's just me.

Your take on what happens to people with kids is pretty accurate. As I've gotten older, and friends have given in to their reproductive urges, I've seen how they change, and while I understand the need, it's not good. Babies have a way of turning fully functioning adults into babbling fools.

Groups of friends will quickly split into the child-laden vs the childless.

Don't wait too long if you are sure you want a child though. You don't want to fight off your teenage daughter's suitors or try to control your hooligan son when you are pushing towards 60.

**Fragony** · 08-31-2009, 23:15

I love kids, I want to have tons of them but really not at the moment. Being single makes the decision easier. Maybe when I am 40.

**GeneralHankerchief** · 08-31-2009, 23:30

I think it comes down to the fundamental question of whether you want to make the necessary changes to your lifestyles in order to experience all that comes with raising a child. I'm not even going to attempt to give you advice, as you're a successful, worldly 31-year-old lawyer and I'm a 19-year-old college student who is currently attempting to scrounge up enough money to buy a cheeseburger. However, I do have an anecdote:

This summer, I worked two jobs. One of them was the night shift in a tollbooth. Eight hours a day, five days a week. Not too bad, but not the ideal way someone my age wants to spend a summer. But for three weeks, I doubled up, returning to a 5-hour-a-day camp for three weeks. This meant I was working thirteen hours a day, and I very quickly realized that I would need to empty my reserves in order to survive the three weeks.

It was tough. The weather was hot, the kids were as bratty as usual, and for those three weeks I had absolutely no free time. But at the same time, it was rewarding. I befriended a kid who was far from in the best physical shape, but always tried hard whenever we would get an athletic event together. I gave him a nickname, "Terminator", which he enjoyed. We talked about things together, and near the last day of camp, we put together a contraption designed to keep an egg from breaking as it was dropped from progressively higher distances.

On the last day of camp, I was looking forward to a celebratory meal, followed by sleeping for the entire weekend. But right before I left, the kid came up and gave me something. It was a piece of paper, the tough, pretty kind, with two pictures attached to it and a bit of artwork. They were of our contraption and the unspoiled egg. It said "Patrick and GH, 1st place, egg drop."

Was it taxing? Yes. But was it worth it? Absolutely.

**Adrian II** · 08-31-2009, 23:26

Originally Posted by drone

Babies have a way of turning fully functioning adults into babbling fools.

Those people are mostly fools to begin with. Give them a cat or a dog and they will drool over that.

'Oh look, Fifi wants you to get up so she can sit in her favourite chair. Yes, she knows we're talking about her. Don't you, Fifi?'

Most of my friends had children before me, some started only recently. I'd say one in five suffered from the babbling syndrome and was quickly ostracised, the others are still as close as ever.

**Rhyfelwyr** · 08-31-2009, 23:32

I wouldn't worry about the babbling syndrome, if you're both lawyers you are probably cold, harsh, bloodsuckers anyway.

And listen to Adrian, do not become one of those couples that raise pets as if they are children, gah!

**Beirut** · 09-01-2009, 00:45

If you do not want a child do not have a child.

Keep your freedom, enjoy it and the time you and your woman have free to yourselves. I've got two kids and all I know is that there is life before kids, and there is life after kids, and one has no relation to the other. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I'm just saying that taking care of them year after year really is a big deal and it absolutely changes your entire life. So if you ain't ready for it, don't do it.

"Adopt" a couple of kids in the Foster parents Plan, help out local kids charities. If you've got some cash there are millions of kids who are already alive and desperately need help. You and your wife could be saints and help those kids out. That's no small thing.

**Mooks** · 09-01-2009, 02:43

Originally Posted by Beirut

If you do not want a child do not have a child.

Keep your freedom, enjoy it and the time you and your woman have free to yourselves. I've got two kids and all I know is that there is life before kids, and there is life after kids, and one has no relation to the other. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I'm just saying that taking care of them year after year really is a big deal and it absolutely changes your entire life. So if you ain't ready for it, don't do it.

"Adopt" a couple of kids in the Foster parents Plan, help out local kids charities. If you've got some cash there are millions of kids who are already alive and desperately need help. You and your wife could be saints and help those kids out. That's no small thing.

I agree with this. Plus the adopted kid doesnt have to be a little baby, could be as old as 7, probaly alot easier then a baby.

My advice though is to not have a baby. Seems like your life is already pretty happy.

**Fragony** · 09-01-2009, 09:14

Originally Posted by Beirut

"Adopt" a couple of kids in the Foster parents Plan, help out local kids charities. If you've got some cash there are millions of kids who are already alive and desperately need help. You and your wife could be saints and help those kids out. That's no small thing.

Ya I got a few. Well two. I also have two Moldavian grannies of which one turned out to be dead for quite some time. Ahhh charity organisations.

**Ice** · 09-01-2009, 00:50

Originally Posted by Adrian II

Those people are mostly fools to begin with. Give them a cat or a dog and they will drool over that.

'Oh look, Fifi wants you to get up so she can sit in her favourite chair. Yes, she knows we're talking about her. Don't you, Fifi?'
.

I have a friend just like this.

**Centurion1** · 09-01-2009, 01:06

You said you wanted a kid eventually right. your wife said she was worried about health riskas which are valid starting around 35. now i don't mean to be rude but i assume you are taking measures to not have children (contraceptives), so why not stop using prevention and just see what happened. Maybe you will have kid right away and maybe you won't. Just because you may want a child doesn't mean yo have to go all out trying. The truth is that while you may think you don't want a child right now, if it is born you will love it just as much as if he or she was planned out.

Don't wait too long if you are sure you want a child though. You don't want to fight off your teenage daughter's suitors or try to control your hooligan son when you are pushing towards 60.

My dad is around 60 and he can kick the lving &%^# out of me......
And i take krav maga classes and my lifelong dream is to a infantry officer

**Papewaio** · 09-01-2009, 02:22

I'm 36 in October. Have a 4 year old. So similar age to yourself when the main event kicked off. Life doesn't stop, it does get more draining and demanding but the ROI is often massive.

Now he could pronounce Games Workshop since age 2, and has been helping me basecoat minatures since 3 and a half. I like teaching him not to be so rigid in his thinking and to understand alternatives can be fun. At the same time he can be exhausting and getting time to watch movies with my wife or have a quiet coffee together is interesting from a logistics point of view. I am now an expert in running kids ragged until they fall down in a comatose sleep so I can have a quad-shot cappucino and talk with the wife.

Learning is Life, Life is Learning. Teaching is a great way to Learn. One thing I have found is that I have a much better relationship with my parents and appreciate what they did for me (and I didn't leave home till I was 26).

The only real bit of advice that I can give you if you intend on having kids is.
1) Get fit, they really can drain you and being unfit will just highlight this and be a poor example to them.
2) Enjoy your sleep now. There is nothing like a 1m tall organic alarm clock that gets into bed in the morning, puts its cold feet on the small of your back and tells you to get out of bed and go to work so they can snuggle up to mum.