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  1. #1
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SwordsMaster View Post
    Thanks!

    I see what you mean now. Reading it again there are also perhaps too many "and" links too. "I am but a dull servant with clumsy tools of a dastardly muse!".

    Do you reckon this would work better? :

    "Then he made the sign of the orthodox cross on his face and prayed loudly, audibly, speaking to this God who - for a minute - seemed ready to listen."

    I could do away with the punctuation around "for a minute" altogether, but the intention is to highlight that the admiral doesn't feel God listening to his prayers too often.
    I don't believe that the problem can be solved by substituting '-' for ',', I believe the problem at its heart is one that needs restructuring. The sentence just has a lot of things going on, and it might read better broken into two and reworded. That's just my opinion though.

    Your intentions are perfectly clear in this sentence, it simply feels very hurried to me and seems to come together a bit unevenly. More a structure and flow nitpick than anything else.

  2. #2
    King Philippe of France Senior Member _Tristan_'s Avatar
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    It must be Alexander Kolchak then
    King Baldwin the Tyrant, King of Jerusalem, Warden of the Holy Sepulchre, Slayer of Sultans in the Crusades Hotseat (new write-up here and previous write-up here)
    Methodios Tagaris, Caesar and Rebelin LotR
    Mexica Sunrise : An Aztec AAR



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  3. #3
    Nec Pluribus Impar Member SwordsMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Admiral

    Quote Originally Posted by Tristan de Castelreng View Post
    It must be Alexander Kolchak then

    Bravo! You got yourself a cookie. I'll sign the appropriate documents
    Managing perceptions goes hand in hand with managing expectations - Masamune

    Pie is merely the power of the state intruding into the private lives of the working class. - Beirut

  4. #4
    King Philippe of France Senior Member _Tristan_'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Admiral

    Thanks !! And nice story, btw...

    I really liked the counter-point between the old Admiral and the revolutionaries... How his charisma entranced them to the point where they began listening to his orders...
    King Baldwin the Tyrant, King of Jerusalem, Warden of the Holy Sepulchre, Slayer of Sultans in the Crusades Hotseat (new write-up here and previous write-up here)
    Methodios Tagaris, Caesar and Rebelin LotR
    Mexica Sunrise : An Aztec AAR



    Philippe 1er de France
    in King of the Franks

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