Re: KARTHADAST SENATE GOES HIGH ON WEEDS (Crazy Short Stories of The Kart-Hadastei)
Hamalcar's Bad Day At Sicily
Hamallcar is gettin a trial of Incompetence because he lost the entire Karthadastei elephant corps, and when he was called in Kart-Hadast he just said this first: "I just simply don't understand... why those pinkie trunkie are so easily killed when I order them to clear the way from wall ruins... It's simply not my fault because I've done this for our soldier's sake."
"Are you idiot or what?!? Can't you see? Clearin the wall's ruins? Are you disaster rescue team or... They are Akontistai and Peltastai according to your men's report! And You are supposed to be careful with those beast! One of them is worth ten minai of weeds!" The Shofet Mago said that rather angrily...
"Oh... please brother... at least I had driven off the Mamertimes out from Messana... Is that wasn't enough?"
"Simply not!!! **** the Mamartimes! So you wanna said that filthy city are worth of our entire pinkie trunkie?!? Can't you think with your ass? You should board some kerkuroi fleet and sent to sleep with the fish you ****** brother!"
"OI.... STOP THIS ****** TRIAL!" Suddenly Jebivjetar Barca shouted. "We could just gettin moar pinkie trunkie from the south, as they won't be in endangered status until 2250 years from now... just keep'em captured and we could regenerate'em again!"
"But, Lord Jebivjetar... Incompetence and Idiocy is unforgiveable sin..." Some random senators bubbled when they heard Jebivjetar's shout...
"NO NO NO... I told you guys... killin those Mamers ain't easy business... and for some good reason... we should hear Hamalcar's story about that first, and then... we'll have our time to think about our Judgement... now Hamalcar... tell us about the truth you remember..." Jebivjetar calmly continues his speech and give a chance for Hamalcar to have his defense.
"uh... guys.... so this story was happened after I sign the peace treaty between us and Epeirotes..." Hamalcar start his story. "I told you... Pyrrhos sent his diplomats to sent the letter and I was first think about bargain for some money... but I simply couldn't resist when their clothing reveals their smooth thighs and ass... I got carried and asked him to doing that the Hellenic way, and some cretain aggrements for a permanent peace treaty..."
"And so we have our decision here... We are strongly conservative politician here... and we disapprove... You are guilty because homosexuality destroy family values, and you should be sent to our death Kerkuroi fleet..." Mago replies calmly with a really disgusted face.
"Noooo! I didn't say that I doing that with men!!! Pyrrhos' diplomats also carried some really hot girls... That's it...!!!" Hamalcar suddenly becomes very affraid of the most senator's cold and disgusted faces.
"But you said 'Doing it the Hellenic way'...."
"I means these girls are just hot hetairas from Hellenes!" Hamalcar replies really quickly, as he try to cover something.
"Oh... so if this are the truth... continue your story..." Mago said.
"As we talk about the agreements... the Epeirotes are telling us that Pyrrhos is very pissed off with Hiero, king of Syrakousai, his former general that betray his trust... so they ask if we took the Sicily down, when he have his own fun time claiming Makedonian throne... then, he won't become the launghingstock of the Mediterranians again..."
"But your action made us to become the launghingstock!"
".......... But.................. That was just tactical mistake........."
"And how did you capture Messana?" Jebivjetar asked.
"Well, all start when my troops wandering into Sicilian heartlands... we start to walk a long way, but when at the way arround... our supplies goes low because of the pinkie trunkie start eating too much... and I decide that we should loot some food from a nearby town first... but it was my men's fault, not me! as they ask me when I was high... and I just point out Messana for our raiding target."
"And here we go... I just ordered the Elephants to smash their head to their walls"
"Not their gate?"
"I forgot to said that... I just said... smash the walls!"
"And then our heavy cavalrymen dash forward... breaking their pitiful line of defence..."
"After sucessfully give a shell shock to them... I ordered the infantry and elephants to enter the carnage... and before long... I found that we are victorious... the street are filled with soo many corpses, that our pinkie trunkie loves to trample'em flat..."
"Getting more confidence of my skill, after getting more reinforcements, we decide to take on Syrakousai some month after that..."
"So... your secret deal with the Epeirotes are come in play huh?!?"
"Yep.... a bit off......."
"First, we blast their wall... but then, I look something.... strange with that..."
"What strange?"
"The psiloi's corpses who just fallen down the walls... they attract the pinkie trunkie..."
"So what happened to the Elephant corps?"
"Well, actually... that time... some of my weed stock was missing, and I found out that the Mahout stole them... Understand that they are just wanna be hippie after gettin so much kill ratio (24 elephants trampled and kill over hundred guys), I gonna let em have the fun..."
"And what did they do?"
"Well, aside from doing many things you'll only do when high... they fed some of the weed to the elephants..."
"Holy ****, I bet these beast are goin to have a sweet dreams.... and...." Jebivjetar suddenly realised.
"Bet they look for those psiloi's nuts... as they love nuts to eat... hmm, that's interesting" Mago add. "And when you ordered those pinkie trunkie to put aside the debris to made a safe entrance.... they can't run as fast beause in their mind, they search for nuts!!!!!"
"Eheh.... uh... yeah brother...." That's the story..." Hamalcar continues. "So after some sucessful initial break against the Syrakousai Hoplitai that guard the entrance... they suddenly stopped bite even our men's nutsack... as they gone wild... everyone throwing their spears to these beast... and made their escape...."
"Ouw.... Nuts..."
"And those psiloi that was left on the walls start pelting us with anything they have.... and we got soo many victim...." because of that, even I got to run as fast as I can to safe my life from that carnage.... I think... that's all"
"So... next time.... safe your weed really well, don't let your pinkie trunkie eat that... get my point? Now back to your province, and repay that elephant's debt from your province's cash!" Mago then close the trial with that word...
---
Some hours after... at the port...
"So... how about those Epeirot diplomats?" Jebivjetar ask Hamalcar.
"Well, that's a bad day afterall.... I know that my brother are soo damn conservative guy... and he doesn't have the open-mindedness of the Hellenes had... Let this story forgotten..."
"Nope... I know that you're a
"Ouw.... ****!!!!"
"Don't worry... just focus on your duty now... my next shipments will come to karali next autmn... Good luck, and don't let your elephants eat em..."
"Ok.... thanks.... wanna some bear hug pal? Mmmmmmmmwwwwww......ach"
(Jebivjetar runs away in screams....)
PART 1 Finished....
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