JOKE: NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF

[Ronin]

Got this by email...I don´t actually believe it is real...

but it makes for a really fun read.



NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

[Zradha Pahlavan]

Okay, that was pretty funny.

[Louis VI the Fat]

If I eat real Mexican chili, afterwards I could stand over a fire and if I let one rip it would propel me all the way to the moon.

[rajpoot]

I laughed till tears came.

Makes me want to try chili out myself...

[pevergreen]

i had a logic moment, so i didnt enjoy it.

if he doesnt like it, why does he keep doing it.

[Crazed Rabbit]

Beer, duh.

It's both a reward and a brain inhibitor.

CR

[pevergreen]

Beer, duh.

It's both a reward and a brain inhibitor.

CR

Because of course I was meant to know that.

[Aemilius Paulus]

I would not classify this as humour, but it is amusing in its sillyness. The hyperbolic descriptions of pain are not subtle at all and yet all the essence of the entire quip rests on this factor.

P.S. Just what did Lemur edit out?

[Strike For The South]

This is an old Texas joke. New Mexico like old Mexico, sucks.

[miotas]

P.S. Just what did Lemur edit out?

The "****-faced" is his handiwork I believe.

[||Lz3||]

he would have died with habaneros...

[Gregoshi]

This is an old Texas joke. New Mexico like old Mexico, sucks.

But Texas was part of old Mexico, therefore...?

I would not classify this as humour, but it is amusing in its sillyness. The hyperbolic descriptions of pain are not subtle at all and yet all the essence of the entire quip rests on this factor.

You were judge #1, right?

[caravel]

Forget habaneros, rocotos, jalapenos etc, this thing will kill you:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naga_Jolokia_pepper

[Centurion1]

lol i find it hard to believe. He was pretty coherent for a drunk

[Megas Methuselah]

Wow. The first few times I was like, "alright." But the 300-lb woman got to me. Afterwards, it was just constant laughter. My stomach is sore now.

[Cute Wolf]

Meh... all of those Mexican foods is puny compared to what I eat everyday....
Made from 90% chili, just crushed with some onions and small content of salted fish and served with a little lime.... I present.... SAMBEL!!!


Seriously guys... you must try to eat a plateful of this.... and I'll bet even the bravest Mexican will fail!

[Aemilius Paulus]

I honestly do not see why the hotness of chili that one can consume appears to be a sort of a masculine "who's got da' biggest Johnson" sort of thing... Anything too hot for an average 12-year old will cause liver damage, starting from very insignificant and then going to moderate in the case of regular Tabasco consumption.

Now, I admit I like hot peppers myself, as I was a Tabasco addict, but I sworn off it a long time ago, and I never consume it any more. Just as a note, the Mexican population is rife with liver cirrhosis and more worryingly, liver cancer - which is one of the most dangerous of all the cancers due to the improbability of its detection. Hot peppers have some benefits, such as antibacterial agents, but like alcohol, they should be used very sparingly.

They say the French and Italian are healthy despite drinking a glass of wine a day, but according to National Geographic that is a myth, since both nations face disturbing incidences of liver disease higher than US (per capita of course) ... I expect hot peppers are not much different.

[Centurion1]

Just as a note, the Mexican population is rife with liver cirrhosis and more worryingly, liver cancer

thats the tequila young man. and the poor water. though im sure peppers fit in their somewhere.

[Beskar]

Everyone knows he should have drank creamy milk and not beer to solve the burning sensation.

[Aemilius Paulus]

thats the tequila young man. and the poor water. though im sure peppers fit in their somewhere.

The alcohol consumption does not even come close to correlating with the incidences of the liver-related maladies.

[Centurion1]

in southern mexico where my uncle is from they frequently mix in tequila into their water. while they do not do so to drink the tequila per say, it is still alcohol and often moonshined alcohol, not jose cabenero (sp?)

[Thermal]

The alcohol consumption does not even come close to correlating with the incidences of the liver-related maladies.

do u always talk so posh?

[Centurion1]

The term you are looking for is pedantic. And yes his posts often contain overtones of such a maddening writing style that can become quite bothersome. However, his posts, beneath all the slurs against fellow members and overly flowery language there is often a nugget of truth or logic. So I deal with the affronts to my intellect and at least give the dear boy a cursory glance.

[Strike For The South]

in southern mexico where my uncle is from they frequently mix in tequila into their water. while they do not do so to drink the tequila per say, it is still alcohol and often moonshined alcohol, not jose cabenero (sp?)

It's to purify the water so they don't get sick.

At least that's what Im told.

[Centurion1]

Yeah i thought i implied that....

[Strike For The South]

Yeah i thought i implied that....

I don't see it

[Centurion1]

while they do not do so to drink the tequila per say

sorry this means what SFTS is saying.

@Strike Happy

[Fisherking]

The first time I saw this joke written up it was about a chilly cook off in Austin. That was years and years ago...

To some of you who don’t know, cayenne pepper is beneficial, even a health food of sorts. Chilies and peppers are not going to kill you.

If you don’t eat a lot of spicy foods you may think you are going to die, but it will pass.

You also build up a tolerance for it in your body so someone may not think that their food is very hot and the next guy may think he is being poisoned.

For those who have some tolerance though the peppers have a very flavor enhancing effect and you taste many subtleties in the sauce.

Also I find the warming and even a tiny bit of the sweating effect very pleasant.

I isn’t that those who like hot food are being macho, it is just that you are a wuss if you can’t take it.

[pevergreen]

I isn’t that those who like hot food are being macho, it is just that you are a wuss if you can’t take it.

Well, cover me in sprinkles and call me a wuss.

[Fragony]

Seen that one before