The big C...

[Kadagar_AV]

This is a rant / vent about cancer in the family...

Long story short, my dad got the "big C"... And as health care is several times faster and better in Austria, living at my place (In Sweden he would have had to wait some month to get the chemo and radiation therapy).

I had NO idea how hard this disease is on the patient, or his suroundings. Actually experiencing the disease from as close as you can without actually having it, I must say that I now have the deepest respect for all who fought through it, and their families...

He is 71 year old, used to be very fit and healthy. People who met him would believe he was 50! Now he seems more like 90...

He has aged some 40 years in just a few months (2?), and lost about 1/5 of his body weight.

He faints, cant keep food down, get slight memory problems, have huge problems eating, its constant pain, he cant sleep properly but are too tired to be awake.

This is a former Spetznaz Captain, it is NOT a guy wou would ever complain or show any sign of weakness. Now he needs help taking a shower, and needs almost full time surveilance.

And taking care of him IS hard.

Don't get me wrong, I love him and I am glad I can be there for him. But... Well, sometimes it's just hard.

Just to give you an example:

I went way away to get a hold of his favourite food... Hoping it could help.

Spent an hour or so cooking it...

30 seconds into the meal, he throws up over the food... The stress and work from puking makes him faint...

I clean him up and carry him to the bedroom...

Just when I am done cleaning the kitchen, he wakes up and is pissed off about the food not being ready yet, as we were supposed to have been eating almost an hour ago...

Anyone heard of Sisyphus?



Sorry, I don't even know why I am writing this here. Maybe someone have been through similar? I do hope there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel... Cause the road to getting rid of cancer is damn hard, not just from the patient, but for his surroudnings.

Would have been easier if there were more people to back him up, but I am only family he has here... My mum will come down over christmas and new year though, phew, will def feel like vacation!

/rant

[Ser Clegane]

I do not have any personal experiences with cancer in my close family that I could share, so let me just share my hope that your father wins this fight and will recover - and that you have the strength to help him win the fight

[Beirut]

Kadagar,

I feel your pain. Both my parents died of brain cancer and it was nothing less than Hell on Earth. My dad went from 220lbs and an IQ high enough to boil water to a weak, scared, thin shadow of his former self. he lasted about nine-months. My mother lasted about six-months, and I could live five lifetimes and never completely get over the stress of pushing her back and forth around the house at two in the morning in her wheelchair while she listened to "anti-suicide" feel-good tapes on Walkman to keep her spirits up.

You have few options except for patience. You simply have to learn to survice, grasp what happiness and quiet you can during the person's illness and know that in the end, even when the end means the death of the person, peace will come to you.

Read the classics, have a beer, watch a funny movie, do anything that brings you even a moment's peace of mind. Those koments will hold you together. And try to find some kind of spirituality that gives you strength.

Survice, my brother, survive. You are living the human condition and you must never for a moment regret or feel guilty about finding peace of mind.

[Kadagar_AV]

Kadagar,

I feel your pain. Both my parents died of brain cancer and it was nothing less than Hell on Earth. My dad went from 220lbs and an IQ high enough to boil water to a weak, scared, thin shadow of his former self. he lasted about nine-months. My mother lasted about six-months, and I could live five lifetimes and never completely get over the stress of pushing her back and forth around the house at two in the morning in her wheelchair while she listened to "anti-suicide" feel-good tapes on Walkman to keep her spirits up.

You have few options except for patience. You simply have to learn to survice, grasp what happiness and quiet you can during the person's illness and know that in the end, even when the end means the death of the person, peace will come to you.

Read the classics, have a beer, watch a funny movie, do anything that brings you even a moment's peace of mind. Those koments will hold you together. And try to find some kind of spirituality that gives you strength.

Survice, my brother, survive. You are living the human condition and you must never for a moment regret or feel guilty about finding peace of mind.

Thanks, I guess this is what I looked for as I wrote the post...

It means a lot just hearing there is someone else who has been through it... And of course my condoleances, and deepest respect for what you have been through.

At least I still have some vague hope of it all going well, but, 2 operations and some chemo/radiation later, it gets very hard to keep the hope up.




Sir Clegane, thanks!

[KukriKhan]

My heartfelt feelings go to you and yours Kadagar.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Mom got pancreatic cancer at 52, went through chemo & ops for 2 years, then seemingly recovered, lived a normal life for 5 years. Then it came back. More chemo, 1 surgery - hoping for a repeat of recovery.

Success! Remission for 4 more years! Finally, as if it had been waiting in ambush all those years, it struck again, this time in the lungs, spreading through organs too quickly for the doc's to manage. Mom succumbed at age 64.

That was late 70's, early 80's. Medics have come a long way since then. Two women at work successfully beat the Big C with new therapies (and chemo), and they both are doing fine. When I was growing up in the 50's & 60's, the big C was a death warrant. "Got it? Sorry... adios."

Now there's some hope. People survive. Some don't. But it's no longer an automatic death sentence, with no chance of appeal.

But I'm not trying to be a cheerleader here, saying "It'll be alright". It might not. My only regret was that I couldn't get to Mom the first time, to tell her all the things I should have told her years before.

It turned out, she had more years left in her at that time. Sort of: my reprieve. After she recovered the first time, we sat down and reviewed our 20 years together - Adult Mom to Adult Son - and sorted out all the lies and misunderstandings and misconceptions we'd experienced in those days. I ended up with a whole new appreciation of her as a human being, and she, I. We learned to see each other outside our roles. That was a good thing.

My advice (from an internet guy you've never met and have no reason to trust): when Dad gets any kind of break from the doc's, hang out with him. Confront his death; talk about it. See if there's anything he wants you to do. Clear up the past (that's a big one). re-Learn to smile in the face of pain and death. It'll help him. It'll help you. [/unsolicited advice]

[AlexanderSextus]

Marijuana will at least make it easier for him to eat and lessen his pain, This is a proven fact.

Of course, It's illegal. But you say he's in austria? Is Medical Marijuana legal in Austria?

(europe tends to have better laws for this type of thing)

I'm not saying this to be cliché or anything, i'm dead serious. My aunt died of leukemia and she lived in california, and before she died the MedPot helped her A LOT. Same things would happen, she would never be able to keep food down.

The first time she vaporized a little weed, i was amazed to watch her eat a half a sub sandwich with no problems at all!

[Andres]

My wife lost her mother a long time ago, before I met her for the first time.

My wife is the kind of person who doesn't blink an eye when disaster strikes and she hardly cries. Her mother was the same and they hardly talked about feelings or inner thoughts. On the inside, though, she's has as much emotions and feelings as anyone else. She just doesn't show it.

Of course, she knows that the most important thing was there: they loved each other and they took care of each other; but she still regrets not talking about certain things (future and past) with her mother or not sharing feelings or very emotional thoughts.

Kukri's advice is golden. Whenever you get the chance, talk with your father about whatever you really want to talk about, including the topics you usually avoid.

Whatever you do, you have my sympathy and together with you, I'll hope your father beats this Big C. And don't be too hard on yourself when you're feeling it's all getting a bit too much; you're a human being. Good luck and take good care.

[Fragony]

Sorry to hear that, good luck handling this, any hope for recovery?

[Samurai Waki]

I could relate to you a similar episode, but I don't think it's the same as what you're going through.

Everybody in my family has been taking turns helping out my Aunt, that has Neuro Militus Optica, a severe form of MS. She's the sweetest person on this planet, and still has most of her mind with her. But her body is broken, she went through the latest stem cell transplant... She's only the second person in the US to receive this type of treatment, and the fourth or fifth worldwide. She hasn't had a relapse since her transplant, but she hasn't gotten any better. She's always sick, or depressed. Her medications cause her to have a severe rash all over her body that burns as much as it stings, but they don't want her to stop taking it, in fear of losing the edge they think they have over her disease. So for the last four months she has been in agony, we can't touch her, because if we do it feels like we're pricking her with needles... But we want her to know that we all still love her, and care about her. She's talked to me in length about doing the Death with Dignity Program, I haven't said much to my other siblings, because I know they'll freak out. If it doesn't start getting better... I can't hardly blame her. It hurts seeing someone I viewed as being such a strong character throughout my childhood, so weak and frail that I could easily pick her up as if she was nothing.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, if you want to talk just throw me a PM.

[Ronin]

My thoughts are with you Kadagar.

My father was confronted with a cancer situation some 4 years ago...luckily he had regular check ups (it is a problem that runs in the family) and so it was caught at the beginning and surgery was able to solve the problem....my grandfather was not so lucky and died from it some years ago so I know the toll something like this can take on a family.

I hope the situation evolves in the best way possible.

[Centurion1]

my little cousin died at age seven of cancer as did my grandmother. cancer is terrible. what you are doing is great by helping to take care of your father. All you can do is make them comfortable, spend alot of time with them, and hope for the very best.

like its been said medicine has improved dramatically even since 2000.

Best wishes

[CountArach]

I can only imagine what you are going through right now mate, and I really wish teh very best for your father and family at this time.

[Fragony]

Finished of my dad as well, only 55. Your nephew is much crueler but 55 is no age to die either. These things happen that's life but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Horrible decease it's very painful to watch if someone has the bad kind, and not a thing you can do.

[Beirut]

It means a lot just hearing there is someone else who has been through it... And of course my condoleances, and deepest respect for what you have been through.

I think going through it is much harder than having been through it. My best thoughts are with you.

Surviving and saving yourself is the best and only advice I can offer. When all is said and done, you'll still be here and you have every right, regardless of what has happened to those around you, to be as happy as you possibly can be. Never ever feel guilty about feeling good.

(Sorry about the attrocious spelling in my post, I must have been on a rant and not looking.)

[Kadagar_AV]

KukriKhan, Thank you for the advice. To openly talk about the death and stuff... I never thought about it. Right now he is in no state to talk about anything serious, so I have some time to consider it. Your point seems very valid though, appreciated!


AlexanderSextus, WOAH - great advice!

Have now looked into it... Medical Cannabis is indeed legal in Austria as you say.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

In Austria both Δ9-THC and pharmaceutical preparations containing Δ9-THC are listed in annex IV of the Narcotics Decree (Suchtgiftverordnung).[135] Compendial formulations are manufactured upon prescription according to the German Neues Rezeptur-Formularium.[136][137]

On July 9, 2008 the Austrian Parliament approved cannabis cultivation for scientific and medical uses.[138] Cannabis cultivation is controlled by the Austrian Agency for Health and Food Safety (Österreichische Agentur für Gesundheit und Ernährungssicherheit, AGES).[139]

The problem is however that the program has just started, and the hill-billy doctors we have here dont know much about it. Also, there is not enough state-sanctioned cannabis to go around. I do however have contacts so I could get some illegaly and treat him myself, no problem. Am now in a process of convincing my mum to convince dad...


Andres, no joke it's tough... A "normal" day in my life would have shocked me only weeks ago... Just cleaning the toilet 3x a day isnt exactly normal procedure...


Fragony, I guess there is always some hope. It is, however, not looking very good. The doctors are not very optimistic. I haven't given up though! Sad to hear about your dad! And yes, not being able to do much to help him feel better sucks, I feel kind of useless.


Wakizashi, that is rough! Damn... My father doesnt seem suicidal or so, but given the state he is in (day after day), I guess he is thinking about it. Thank you for the insight, any little bit helps me.


Ronin, Sad to hear, and thank you!


Centurion1, 7?! I dont even know how to comment that... That is just horrible! Sometimes the world can show a very ugly face...


CountArach, thank you!


Beirut, Those words meant a lot. Yesterday when he fell asleep I went out on a bar for an hour, just to meet some people. However, the thought of him being somewhere alone, passed out on a floor kind of kept me from having much fun, and made it a very short night.

Work and taking care of him leaves very little time for doing anything for myself... Lately I have took time from sleeping just to have a beer with the guys (or chrush the AI in total war).





All, some truly insightful advice here! Also, HUGE thanks for the support! Just knowing you are not alone with this kind of experiences helps a lot.



EDIT: I can't believe I just had a long talk with my mum about illegaly supporting my dad with Marijuana...

[Beskar]

Admittedly, my grandparents and others already died with cancer when I was young. However, my older brother is terminally ill and many of the things are the same. He has big memory problems, keeps having to use the bathroom after eating as he can't keep anything down. Has to use a walking stick to get around due to weak balance and lack of energy.

What I have to argue is worse, is that he is only early thirties. The reason why this is worse is lets say he wants to go out, the general public accuses him of "faking it" and faces harsh discrimination, just because he early thirties, opposed to being in his later years.

If you are curious what is wrong with him, he had kidney failure at around 12-13 and been on dialysis for the last twenty years unable to get a transplant, and due to the issues surrounding this including high chance of blood poisoning, weaker immune system, heavily scar issue in his stomach and tons of operations involving having things such as cow veins transplanted into him.

[AlexanderSextus]

Am now in a process of convincing my mum to convince dad...

Just tell them that the austrian govt. Legalized it for medical purposes, so there had to be a good reason! They wouldn't have done it if it wasn't helpful!

Also, ask what makes prescribed marijuana any worse than say, prescribed morphine?

Marijuana is nowhere near as dangerous as morphine so if they can prescribe morphine to help people then there should be no reason that marijuana would not help him.

Look up some scientific studies on the subject. There are literally hundreds.


(I wish the US was as pragmatic about this as europe. At least Obama's letting the states do their own thing, I still wish we had a federal law legitimizing it though.)

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

The problem is however that the program has just started, and the hill-billy doctors we have here dont know much about it. Also, there is not enough state-sanctioned cannabis to go around. I do however have contacts so I could get some illegaly and treat him myself, no problem. Am now in a process of convincing my mum to convince dad...

Doing it yourself is probably not a good option. You'll need to talk to a doctor or a specialist to make sure that the drug itself won't interfere with any other medications or treatments that your father is taking or undergoing, and if you buy illegally you risk getting laced cannabis, which could cause problems in and of itself. I'm sure you already know that, but just a reminder really. Best not to do anything rash.

[Fragony]

Admittedly, my grandparents and others already died with cancer when I was young. However, my older brother is terminally ill and many of the things are the same. He has big memory problems, keeps having to use the bathroom after eating as he can't keep anything down. Has to use a walking stick to get around due to weak balance and lack of energy.

What I have to argue is worse, is that he is only early thirties. The reason why this is worse is lets say he wants to go out, the general public accuses him of "faking it" and faces harsh discrimination, just because he early thirties, opposed to being in his later years.

If you are curious what is wrong with him, he had kidney failure at around 12-13 and been on dialysis for the last twenty years unable to get a transplant, and due to the issues surrounding this including high chance of blood poisoning, weaker immune system, heavily scar issue in his stomach and tons of operations involving having things such as cow veins transplanted into him.

It rains on the just and the unjust alike. Things like has always seem so unfair to me young people shouldn't get sick. But they are really good at this nowadays, why couldn't he get a transplant earlier, too weak or just not availlable.