The Night Santa Went Crazy [Concluded]

[Askthepizzaguy]

"Twas the second night since the theiving, and Santa went looney
Have you seen The Langoliers? Yeah, kinda like Craig Toomey.
All day long Santa's missus was on his case,
And he was getting tired of seeing her grumpy old face.
"Do the dishes! Shovel the driveway! Polish the frickin' sleigh!"
Santa replied, "Shush, you wench! Go gargle in the bidet!"
But soon Santa dashed, Santa dashed to his sled,
as Mrs. Claus threw ornaments and knives at his head.
As he sat in his sleigh, "ho, ho, ho..." hissed the elf;
"I heard that!" yelled his wife, "go jingle yourself!"
Santa sat, bells freezing off, as he cracked open a beer
Wondering just when, in his life, that he married a steer.
A cow, rather, whose udders had long dried;
A heifer with wrinkles and pimples and boils on her hide.
A hoofed mammal, Nick huffed, his thoughts turning snide,
A large cud-chewing bovine; a wicked wretch of a bride.
"Why didn't I marry that tooth fairy?" Santa started to ponder,
Then he checked the tally; it was time to kill Death is yonder.
"But how to kill him?" Santa wondered, and he wondered some more,
how to turn into a delight what might have once been a chore.
"I think that it is time to make the furry ones cry
I think I'll light them up, just like the Fourth of July!
Grinding them up into hamburger was surely fun,
But an explosion or two just couldn't be outdone!
In their pen, those reindeer will wish they'd have stayed,
To their reindeer gods they will wish to have prayed,
They will rue the day their master was betrayed,
When they see Santa's Naughty Kid Annihilating, Rocket-propelled Grenade!
The launcher was thirty seven point four inches in length
The warhead was of terrifying, unstoppable strength
It had a maximum range of one thousand yards
On its length there was written "Santa sends his regards"
Santa had shown it to his nephew, and to his nieces
And now he'd show everyone how to blow caribou to pieces
It could incinerate tanks, and all manner of personnel
It could surely send naughty reindeer directly to "heck"
It could blow their meat clean off of their bones
It could darn all their souls in fire and brimstone
Santa's eyes twinkled and he laughed with delight
As he pictured reindeer dancing, their bodies alight
The furry ones fleeing, and screaming with fright
Burning in sheer agony... oh boy, what a sight!
So he grabbed his RPG, and he strapped it on tight
And he went off to end a reindeer's life that same night.
He kicked open the pen, and he roared a loud roar
He said "You'd better flee, I must politely implore
Because very soon there will be carnage galore
And you'll taste Santa's wrath like never before!"
So Dasher went dashing, and Comet went streaking
And down Donner's legs, much urine was leaking
As Vixen creeped away, tiptoe-ing and sneaking,
Whilst Blitzen was too busy, blubbering, and shrieking.
Cupid tried in vain to escape, but he was just freaking
Because Saint Nick found the reindeer that he was now seeking
O'er the fence Cupid bounded; he scampered off and took flight
But Santa calmly set the furry reindeer in his sights
He aimed directly at the reindeer's tail so white
And incinerated lil' Cupid with a massive fireball that night.
All across the North Pole, in the fresh fallen snow
There were scattered Cupid's ashes, still faintly aglow.
Santa's evil deed done, he went back to his sleigh,
His boar of a wife several hundred yards away,
He slept in his sled until the night became day
And when he awoke, he saw with dismay
That during the night more kibble went away
At least one of the remaining reindeer would soon pay
Today they would vote, and they would debate
Which reindeer among them would suffer poor Cupid's fate.

There we go.... Hope it's satisfactory.