Casey the Casse: a (humorous) Casse AAR

[Hooahguy]

Author’s foreword- after many months away from EB, I have decided to come back, and of course, do another AAR. For those who read my last AAR, with the Getai, know that I like to put a humorous twist in my tales. Of course, not all of it is funny, for my humor is quite selective, and, I will admit, not always funny to the average reader. For this AAR, I tried to implement many aspects of British life like teatime and crumpets and other stereotypes, but none of my jokes are meant to offend. So in advance, I'm sorry if I offend any of my British friends. And because this isn’t a serious AAR, I did use the add money cheat. Sorry, for those who take offense.
In addition, in my last AAR, there was an excessive amount of forced humor, much of it not funny at all. Hell, I don’t even know if this AAR is funny for you, or if it will be a big, bloody flop. so this time not every picture will have a "joke" in it, in order to get better jokes in the mix. Well, I hope you enjoy this AAR, and comments are always encouraged!
(If you have ideas for jokes PM them to me, ill be glad to take them, I know nil about British culture save from what I learn from the Monty Python movies.)
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Chapter 1- the start of an adventure
Hello, my name is Casey. Casey the Casse, as my friends call me. Yes, I am a man, and my name is Casey. My sadistic father did that to me. At least he didn't call me “Sue.” And yes, I do get plenty of suitors who think I am a woman. In any case, I am a member of the general’s bodyguard. The reason? About two years ago, my father was digging on our land, and we found this massive gold mine. Literally. Within the hour the government was there, complete with riot troops and horseradish (the natural tear gas) to hold back the masses, including us. My father resisted, naturally, but the government made him a deal. He would get two out of every one thousand pieces of gold that came out of there. In return, he would send me, his only son, to the military, in service of the King. Logically, my father agreed, and I was sent into the chariot service. And here I am today, serving the King on a bloody piece of wood with wheels.


Anyhow, recently our tribe elders got together and decided to expand. Our small settlement of Camulosadae, soon to be renamed to the far less complicated “London,” was too small for our big name.
But first, there was this problem. Some other tribe leader was ousted from his tribe, took his followers with him, and began pillaging the southern area of Briton. So out leaders decided to do something about this. We sent an assassin to kill him.
But he couldn’t even get close. Apparently, teatime is a private event.


We then sent a rich diplomat, in order to get him to our side. We succeeded. In fact, all we needed to do was replenish his supply of crumpets!
For the price of a few half-stale crumpets, we earned ourselves an army!


We marched north to Ratae, a rich settlement with a port. But we neglected to do any reconnaissance beforehand, which was a bloody mistake on our part.
As a result, we were jumped by the garrison and a reinforcing army.

authors note: this was my first real battle in EB since i stopped playing over a year ago. as a result, i forgot many of the tactics needed for EB battles, such as not keeping cavalry in melee for too long. as a result, i paid for it dearly.

It was a cold, winter day, with a fresh blanket of snow on the ground.
We put our inexperienced forces in a line, with the strongest men in the center. Casticos, our general we bought for some crumpets, decided to hang back, relaying commands via hand signals. When we pointed out that our forces may not see the hand signals, Casticos replied, “So let them buy some bloody spectacles!”
Soon our center, being impetuous, rushed forward to meet the enemy center.


Seeing that 2,000 men were against a mere 500, Casticos made the hand signal for the heavier troops to reinforce the center.
But because no one could see his signals, and not wanting to hurt his feelings, we secretly sent a runner to tell the troops to advance.


With their help, the center was in good hands.


But we had a problem. The left flank, guarded by some “naked” spearmen (their Johnsons couldn’t handle the cold), was under heavy attack. We couldn’t see how much longer they could hold against three enemy units, including a unit of surprisingly elegant chariots. And when I say “elegant”, I mean elegant: they had freaking pillows and an open bar in their chariots!


We sent in a unit of militia cavalry, but they didn't help much. After a few minutes of fighting and some bribery with alcohol, the unit of cavalry fled. I knew there was a reason for the open bar!

Soon, the left flank collapsed.


The right flank of the enemy army was free to romp around our rear area, and my unit had to dodge the enemy, because we didn't have insurance on the chariots.
A couple of our units were able to leave the main fight in the center and fall back to help with the fight in the rear, but they weren't enough.


But not long after, a lucky shot took out the enemy general. At the same time, the enemy who were fighting in the center began to flee. As a result, we were able to send a few of the heavier units to assist in the rear.


Not long after, the entire enemy army broke rank and fled.


Not long after, we took the town with no bloodshed, enslaved the enemy village leaders and fighters, and then established a constitutional monarchy.

After things were settled, in the spring of 271, our army could go two ways:
To the south, to the lightly defended Ictis, where there was not as much farmland but it would cost us fewer men, or we could go west, to Ynys-Mon, where it was fertile, yet heavily defended. There are rumors that there’s a giant who is seven feet tall and can shoot lightning out of his arse and guards Scotland from any invaders, which would be us. We are all afraid of this giant, but my friend says it's all just a myth. But still, it's enough to strongly consider waiting to raise a stronger army before we try to take Ynys-Mon.

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 2- Ictis
The king decided to move Casticos and his army, which was refitted with many heavier troops, towards Ictis.


But before we arrived at Ictis, our diplomats tried bribing the city to surrender, but it didn't work and we had to lay siege to the town.


A year passed before the enemy decided to sally forth. They had no hope.


We hung back in the woods while the main army advanced.


The enemy army, badly depleted due to starvation, began to file sullenly out of the town.


Our skirmishers harassed them while they formed up.


Soon our forces met in a titanic struggle as the enemy put everything they had in order to stop us.


They did not succeed.


We soon captured the main gate, with little price for us, but the path to it was paved with the bodies of the enemy,


The enemy withdrew to the town center, and our men stormed it.


The enemy was soon surrounded in the town square and they fought to the last man, preferring death to surrender.



Ictis was ours. We now looked northwest, to Scotland and the land of the lightning-farting giant and to the far north, where we hear there are ferocious whales that repel all invaders. Once again, my friend disagrees, saying that it's just a spelling error, but I don’t believe him.
I wish my King was satisfied with the land we have now, but he says that it's our destiny to own all of the British Isles. Why he wants it all, I have no idea, but if he wants it, I suppose it's my duty to obey.

[Salahedin]

not bad : made me smile. Oh, and I'm in a bad day ya know...

[Hooahguy]

as i continue to learn about british culture ill (hopefully) be able to think of better jokes to put in. worse comes to worse ill just drop the humour part of the AAR.
stay tuned.

[Brennus]

If you have any questions about Iron Age Britain I will be happy to help ya, i study it almost everyday at uni. By the way where is "the land of Metal"?

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 3- Land of the Lightning-Farting Giants
I got another two suitors today. They came up to my door, expecting a well-formed woman, but to their great disappointment, a man showed up. I bet you my father is still laughing.
In any case, the King, the most exalted Barae, has ordered Casticos back to London, because he was showing signs of disloyalty and we needed to win him back in London. In the meantime, the King himself would take over the operation to take Ynys-Mon.
We expected that we would follow Casticos back to London, but we were wrong. I, among twenty hand picked soldiers from Casticos’s bodyguard, joined the King’s bodyguard.
His bodyguard is much different from ours. He fights on foot, like a true king. According to him, chariots are for babies (to tell you the truth, I couldn’t agree more) and he was currently phasing them out from all bodyguard units, as well as the army as a whole.
The new bodyguards were well-trained infantry, called Calawre. Over the next six months, we were re-trained not to be charioteers, but to be sword masters. And I was enjoying it thoroughly. Plus we got life insurance! Not to mention a health care bundle that came at the King’s expense. God, I love unions.

After we got a stronger army together, we marched towards Ynys-Mon. I think the people there couldn’t be more scared of us. I began to doubt the rumors of giants with lightning coming out of their arses.


The siege lasted for five long seasons.
During the siege, one of our diplomats got to the Iberian tribes, and secured an alliance with them.


But it wasnt until afterwards that we realized that making this alliance would cause problems later on during our conquest of Iberia.

Finally, the famished garrison of Ynys-Mon sallied out.


What our King feared most was a crushing attack by the Druids, who were the most feared soldiers in the British Isles to date. The enemy had two bands of them, but so did we, so we weren't so afraid.
The enemy Druids attacked our right flank first.


While our right flank was involved in heavy combat, some weaker troops attacked our left flank. We took care of them easily.


We watched from a hill in the distance. I asked King Barae why we didn't join in the fight. “If any of you men die, not only will I have to pay for your funeral and your life insurance for your family, it will raise the health care rates for the rest of the group” was his answer.
How touching.


We pushed forward, massacring all in our wake. Seeing his men falling, the enemy general rushed out to assist his men. It was a fool’s mistake. He fell just as quickly as the rest of them.


The remainder of his bodyguard decided to stay and try to save the gate. But it was hopeless for them.


We slowly pushed them back from the gate.


They sent in more troops in an attempt to hold us back.


But they caved in eventually, and fell back towards the town center.
King Barae began replacing the exhausted troops who had just captured the main gate with fresh troops in the rear. Needless to say, everyone was happy.


Fresh troops charged the town center, facing very feeble opposition.


Not long after, we took the town.


After the battle, the view of the front gate was, at minimum, repulsive due to the number of dead men clogging the area.


What was surprising is that even though we were facing tougher opponents, we lost fewer men in this battle than we did in the last. In fact, we only lost 179 men this battle, compared to the 194 men we lost at Ictis, and the 612 men we lost at Ratae.


It wasn’t a change of tactics, because we used the same general tactics as we have in past battles.
Probably that good ol’ British luck doing its part.
In my opinion, I think it was the relief that there weren't any giants to fight. That relief caused us to be more confident, and as a result, take fewer casualties.

We renamed Ynys-Mon as Baraeville, in honor of our king. He wasn’t very flattered, strangely enough.

King Barae informed us that we would head north, starting next season (fall 265), to take the northern part of our island. At first, many people were scared because the whales lived there, but then we were comforted with the fact that so far, all rumors we have ever heard have been false.