Casey the Casse: a (humorous) Casse AAR

[Hooahguy]

Authors forward- sorry this isn't a very funny chapter. after this near defeat i wasn't feeling very funny.



We finally caught one of the Lusotanan scouts.
We asked him why their horses were so fast. He answered: “Red Bull.”
It must be some sort of herb native to Iberia.

Anyways, three weeks after we took Tyde, the massive enemy army arrived, prepared to do battle. There were almost 5,000 men against our 2,820 men. They outnumbered us almost two to one!
We were all very, very scared. Even Bren Barae was nervous. We were a tired bunch, and few of our units were up to full strength. Could we take on this numerically superior army?
They presented battle on a bright spring day. Having no choice, we took to the field.


But when we had a good look at the makeup of the enemy forces, most of us laughed. The entire army was made up of skirmishers! We thought it was going to be an easy fight.


We were sadly mistaken.
Gwen, much wiser from the last battle, sent the slingers, who were positioned on the flanks as Kyros had advised him, to rush forward and begin pelting the enemy skirmishers.


Then Gwen ordered a general advance, to close with the skirmishers so they couldn’t pelt us. If they had the chance to pelt us, it would be an infantryman’s nightmare. Our nightmare.


Then it all went to hell. While the plan seemed great, it didn't take into account that there would be so many skirmishers that they could just swarm our units.
Because of this, many good units charged to their doom.


I decided for this battle to fight among Lugo, one of the Milnaht. He had a speech problem, but all of you know that already. We were on the right flank, and the other unit of Milnaht was on the left flank. One of the other soldiers told me that Lugo, with his simple language, expressed concern for his friends in the other unit.
“He is afraid that they will get wiped out.”
“Don’t worry,” I replied, “they will do just fine.”

But things were not fine. All along the line, units were being surrounded by mobs of skirmishers, and had to fight their way out or hope for relief. Our light cavalry, lead by Flynnyn, ran around charging into the flanks of the skirmishers that surrounded our men, giving them hope. But after an hour or so, they were bogged down and many of them were slaughtered. Flynnyn and 23 others barely escaped with their lives.
Cian and his men also found themselves fighting for their lives. The commander of his unit was killed, so he took the reins and eventually led his men to victory. He also took a few scalps with him, but that’s another story for another time.


Because the spearmen had a hard time in the last battle, Gwen kept them in reserve. At this point in the battle, he sent them into the left flank to help our men.
But for some it was too late. An entire unit of Caledonians and a unit of short swordsmen had been annihilated, and the other units in that area were fighting for their existence.
With the help of the spearmen, we were able to rout the enemy left flank. But it took a while, and not until a grisly prophecy had come true: the unit of Milnaht, which was positioned on the left flank, was completely slaughtered, just as Lugo had predicted.


The spearmen then charged into the center, expecting the center to crumble with their arrival just as the left flank did. They were wrong, and soon they were enveloped as well.


Bren Barae, seeing that they were in trouble and that we were out of reserves, pulled out his sword and charged. We did the same. Both the Bren and his heir charged into the center.
We were met with a frantic battle. The spearmen were holding their ground, but were desperate. The axmen were cutting their way through the enemy skirmishers like they always did, but there were too many of them and they too were taking casualties.
We charged into the center. I stabbed by sword into the back of one skirmisher, and he fell. Blood glistened on the blade like the afternoon sun. The enemy soldiers still had their backs to me, so we kept attacking at their backs, and it wasn’t long until we had relieved one unit of spearmen. They looked quite thankful, especially Yntyn, who was quite black and blue from all the punches Cian had given him.


Barae told Gwen to press forward to relieve the other unit of spearmen while he took us to chase down a unit of skirmishers that were giving Kyros and his men a load of trouble on the right flank.
On the right flank, the other unit of Caledonians was not doing very well. They were being pressed by two enemy units, and were losing men fast.


Cian and his men, not far away from the Caledonians, were also in deep trouble. They were surrounded, and were in danger of being overrun.
Yntyn, showing a surprising amount of courage, took the lead of the spearmen and charged them into the backs of the enemy surrounding Cian.


Even though he was saved, Cian denies that his unit ever needed to be rescued. To quote him,
“Nope, we could have easily beaten off those wimps, but then that yellow-nosed bastard had to come in and take all the credit.”

With that charge by the spearmen, the enemy broke and ran.
Bren Barae led the chase, and we slew at least two hundred alone on the right flank during the pursuit.



After a while, when we were all exhausted, we ended the chase and let the surviving skirmishers flee. But we knew they would be back.


The enemy army had been destroyed at a huge cost to our men- almost 1,000 men on our side were dead. Four of our best units were wiped out, and the rest had taken heavy casualties.
But we had also inflicted over 3,670 casualties!


The carnage was tremendous. There were dead men as far as the eye could see. Blood soaked the ground as flies began buzzing around the bodies. War truly is hell.


After the battle, Lugo found the body of his friend, and began to weep. I had never seen a grown man weep like that before.

After the victory, it was much easier to draft people into our army. We were able to quickly reinforce our slinger units, but we found it impossible to get people to reinforce our infantry. So we have to wait until our reinforcements arrive from Briton. But we do not know how long that will be, and if another enemy army of that proportion arrives, it will be a very uncertain future indeed.

[Cute Wolf]

if you hire some curepos, that battle maybe turned to just one sided slaughterfest....

[Hooahguy]

yea, i just hired a unit of them.

[Drewski]

Wow great mood change...that was almost quite touching at the end....good writing :)

[Hooahguy]

We waited another three weeks, nervously scanning the horizon for any signs of Lusotanan soldiers. But we saw none, except for the occasional Red Bull-powered scouts that the Lusotanan sent out to make sure we were still there.
We assume that after the major defeat a few weeks ago, the Lusotanan are too scared to come near us. Which is a good thing, by the way. We cannot afford to lose another 1000 men.

But in the early weeks of fall, we saw sails on the horizon. Casse sails.
Relief had come.


As we geared up to go on the offensive, a Lusotanan diplomat came calling to our diplomat in the region, Berendos.
He asked for a cease-fire to the conflict.
Bren Barae thought long and hard before giving his answer to Berendos, who was then to give it to the Lusotanan diplomat.
We told them yes, and there was an uneasy peace in the area.
Needless to say, many of the men who were in the relief army were annoyed.
"We came all the way from Briton to fight some Iberians and when we get here, there is a ceasefire?! What a rip-off! I want my money back!"


One of his aides, Culominus, asked the Bren why he did that, why he answered yes. Bren Barae’s answer was prompt.
“Think about it. If we can lull the Lusotanan into a false sense of security, just like we did with our initial invasion, think about what we can achieve! I sent word back to Britain to make a new army to help us with the upcoming fight. And with this new army, we can remain as vigilant as possible, and still have the upper hand! It will be as easy as riding a horse!”

“Sir, you have never ridden a horse before in your life. How can you—”

“Silence! I kill you!”

“Sir, how long will it take for this plan of yours to get ready? To raise a whole army doesn’t take a month. And by then the situation will have changed. For all we know they are planning a preemptive strike right now.

That was what we were worried about. We sent our best spy to get the troop numbers of the Lusotanan in the area.


He did, and he found another huge army in the province over. But luckily, there aren't as many skirmishers in this army.
He went in for a second time to get more info, but he was captured.
We sent a courier to bring him tools to get him out. Unfortunately, this courier wasn’t the brightest of the bunch, but we figured he could bring the tools as we asked.
A week later they were both executed.

We inquired as to why they both failed, and we received an anonymous letter containing a conversation between the two spies that was overheard in the prison.

Spy: Did you bring the tools?
Courier: No, but I brought something better!
S: What did you bring? A hammer and chisel, I hope, right?
C: No, I brought you….. A wooden duck!
S: Why the bloody hell did you bring me a wooden duck?
C: When you escape and they are looking for you, you can hide in a lake with the duck on your head and they won't find you!
S: But I need to get out of here first!
C: That’s why I brought the banana.
S: The WHAT?
C: A banana. It's a crescent shaped fruit that is yellow…
S: Oh shut up! You are of no help at all! How am I supposed to use a banana?!
C: To bribe the guard with, of course.
S: Oh bloody hell, you are useless.

Bren Barae closed the letter and heaved a heavy sigh.
“Well, we can't get discouraged by this. We have faced worse odds than this and we will prevail.”

“Spoken like a true king, my Bren.”

“Culominus, are you mocking me?

We took advantage of the ceasefire to explore the world a bit. We got the news that one of our allies, the Aedui, had only one province of Gaul left, and even that was in danger of falling into Averni hands. It seems like the Averni are quite a superpower!


We would have explored more but our scouts got drunk with French wine and found themselves chained to bedposts in a French whorehouse, and couldn’t find a way out. They have since disappeared. Flynnyn claims it was the UFOs.

We also took the time to get our treasury in order. As a result, we are no longer in the red!

And that was the known world in spring of 240 BCE.

[Cute Wolf]

Still allied with BOTH aedui and arvernii? go help someone then... and kick the others

[Hooahguy]

i need to deal with the Iberians first. then ill come in.

[Hooahguy]

an interview with me by Thermal has been recently featured at the TWC:
http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showt...p?t=353585#r20

[Hooahguy]

[Ludens]

[Qvintvs]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

[jirisys]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

From EB

~Jirisys (Milnaht!)

[Hooahguy]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

what do you mean?

[Qvintvs]

this one

[Hooahguy]

well, i had an older version of the recruitment viewer, which had the unit cards featured, so i looked in the files of the RV and found what i needed.

[Hooahguy]

I finally got some time to play!



In the summer of 264, the army of Dejotaros, the general of the relieving army, made camp near the border. Bren Barae had told him to make sure no one crossed that border, friend or foe. He didn't want to start another war before we were truly ready.
But after a week, the fresh troops became impatient. They had never seen combat, so they were thirsty for blood. Sometimes I think they are being influenced by Lugo a bit too much. The Bren knew of this, so he sent me, the troop overseer, to make sure things were ok and stayed in order.
When I got to the camp, I saw the men getting their equipment to battle order.
I ran over to Dejotaros and asked him what was going on.
“I took a poll that asked if we should invade. 97% said we should, so we are getting ready to take Oxtraca.”
“THIS ISN’T A DEMOCRACY!!! And besides, why would you take Oxtraca?”
“It's the Lusotanan capital, duh.”

I rode back to the Bren and told him what happened.
He muttered something about the Philosophy of Bollocks.
I asked him what that was.
“Philosophy with a twist of Bollocks” he said.

I still have no idea what that means.

But the Bren could do nothing. The army was already on its way.

I rode back to Dejotaros’s camp, and just caught them leaving. I decided to stay for the ride.


But he went, and soon we were confronted with battle.


Bren asked me to report on the battles, so I climbed a tree and got this view of the battlefield:


It seems like it will be an easy battle.

To the rear, two enemy units of skirmishers tried to flank us, but our cavalry drove them away.


At the same time, the skirmishers had made contact, and withdrew behind the lines after the pressure was put on by the Lusotanan.


Dejotaros sent almost all our men forward, determined to keep this battle as short as possible. We also took out their skirmishers early on to prevent more losses. Our Kluddoboro took care of them easily.


On the right flank, our Caledonians were exchanging fire with Iberian skirmishers. I must say that it was quite entertaining to watch volleys of javelins go back and forth repeatedly. At least until our Milnaht got there and made a bloody mess of the Iberians.


Dejotaros sent the reserves in, to give us that last push we needed.


At that time, Dejotaros brought the cavalry forward to clean up.


To make a long story short, they did.


The last holdouts were some heavy Iberian troops, but they too were routed after some time.


The battle was over, much more successful than the last one, having only lost 326 men.


But there was still much carnage to be found. Dejotaros told me that bodies are great fertilizer. Anyhow, it's hard to find all the bodies in the long grass.


I rode back to the Bren, telling of our victory.
“Good job! Dejotaros deserves something for his actions!”
“Like what, my Bren? A promotion?”
“I was thinking a cookie, but a promotion will do fine as well.”

Then I asked him if he will let Dejotaros continue his campaign.
“Of course I will!” he answered.
“But weren't you angry at him before?”
“Yes, but now I'm not.”
“And why is that?”
“I'm just not.”
“What? That makes no sense.”
“Sure it does. Have I taught you nothing?”
“Sure seems like it.”
“Well, that’s the Philosophy of Bollocks for you.”

[Hooahguy]

ok so i have an update on the way, but its a HUGE update, with 3 battles and lots of drama, so it will take some time to work in the humor and other elements.
i will probably have it ready tomorrow, latest by Friday.

but here is a teaser in the meantime:

[Cute Wolf]

LOL...

keeep up the excellent AAR Hooah....

[G. Septimus]

whoa, Love this one
better than Cute Wolf's one

[Hooahguy]

now now then, lets not be bashing other people...

[d'Arthez]

Very nice AAR. Love the humour.

[Ruepelheinz]

I really enjoy reading your AAR. Thx

[Hooahguy]

sorry for the delay, the update is so large im only halfway done with it and ive been working on it since thursday.

[Hotseat_User]

just take your time! I'm enjoying the time of waiting by thinking about the next good laugh you'll produce! It's awesome and I guess the next chapter 'is gonna be awesomme too' soo I wait for it. :clap:

[Cute Wolf]

whoa, Love this one
better than Cute Wolf's one

now now then, lets not be bashing other people...

don't worry then Hooah.... it was definitely better than mine, I still have much to learn from you

[Hooahguy]

don't worry then Hooah.... it was definitely better than mine, I still have much to learn from you

why thank you.

i am almost done with the update. i will finish it tonight and upload it tomorrow, hopefully.

[Qvintvs]

------------------------------------------------------------------

It`s been a whole month since Herius Corpulentus made the decision that he will never physically exert himself for the rest of his life. People almost began to think that he could possibly be trusted, but sadly, he broke his promise. He wanted to sneeze, and one of the plebeians noticed that Herius tried to prevent sneezing. He immediately announced that fact so loud, that the whole world heard him..

[Hooahguy]

are you angry, Qvintvs?

[Qvintvs]

Sorry, you got it wrong. Better do not search any hidden meaning in that message.


I just throught i`d write something there, and not necessarily clever...

[Hooahguy]

I had time tonight to finish it so here goes:



After our victory, Dejotaros decided to push on. At least that was until he found something called “weed.” Not sure what that is, but it made Dejotaros high as a bird. In fact, he got so high off that stuff that he was incapable to command for the next day.
We dragged the man who gave him the “weed.”

“What is that stuff and where did you get it?” we asked him.
The man replied, “It's called marijuana and I bought it off some aliens.”
Flynnyn went nuts.
After we put Flynnyn in a straitjacket and gagged him, we asked the man, “What do you mean by ‘aliens?’”
“Alien in the sense that he was a foreigner. He had a brown skin, and said he was from Columbia. Don’t ask me where that is, I have no idea. All I know is that stuff is amazing.”
Cian piped in “I prefer magic shrooms.”
The dealer said “have you tried weed?”
“Well, no….”
“So try some! Here…”
I had to end this.
“Stop! There will be no getting high on campaign!”
Just then Dejotaros came in. “what’s all this about getting high? Oh, hello Doug! How does the weed business coming along?

At that moment, a rider burst in.
“Sir! A Lusotanan army approaches!”
Dejotaros wasn’t high so he gathered up the troops and headed out.
Doug said to me: “Wait! Casey! Take some of this. It will help you fight better!”
I accepted it, despite my misgivings.
We started the battle.


Unfortunately, all I remember of the battle was this:



Then I blacked out. Kyros told me later that the ecstasy that Doug thought he gave me was really Roofies. “Just thank the lord that you weren't raped” said Kyros.
Gee, that makes me feel better.

So Kyros will fill you in on the battle:
“After our skirmishers gave the initial volley, they retreated to the safety of the trees. The enemy left flank collapsed almost instantaneously, being so afraid of our Milnaht. Then our Milnaht forced their way into the Iberian center in a bloody brawl, which they won, of course. Lugo led the way, and proved himself more than capable of getting enough blood for the Red Crosses’s blood quota.


On the right flank our Kluddoboro were bogged down with the Lusotanan mercenaries, but eventually defeated them as well. A captured mercenary said that during the fight many of them suddenly became pacifists.


And then Casey woke up from being drugged and began humping that tree over there and then he—“

That’s enough out of Kyros.

But the battle went pretty well, regardless of me being there or not.


The remnants of the Lusotanan army fled into the city.

We got word that a third Casse army had landed. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing, seeing that we would be relieved soon.


We didn't even have a full two days when another Lusotanan army came. It was smaller, but still substantial, and full of elites.


The enemy army lined up and came at us in good order. We lined up our men to meet the enemy.


After a brief but vicious battle, we drove off the enemy army.


But then a trumpet sounded to our rear. There was another enemy force behind us!
Dejotaros had little time to recall our men, who were in hot pursuit of the Lusotanan bait.


So Dejotaros called upon the only reserves he had left- the levy spearmen.
It was almost a suicide mission, but after all, they were cannon fodder.


The levies fought hard, and eventually were able to defeat the elite Lusotanan soldiers only due to numbers. Just when they had achieved victory, the Lusotanan elite cavalry entered the scene.
Luckily, the levies had a bit of an easier time with them than they did with the elite foot soldiers.


We drove them off, and they fled again to the safety of the city.


Again, it was a good battle for us.


Following up on his victory, Dejotaros put Oxtraca under siege.


We would have waited the siege out, but spies reported a large Lusotanan army forming up a few mountains over. We could not wait.


We built a ram and a siege tower to get us into the city, but at the protest of some of the druids, who claimed that such devices were of the devil himself. When they were completed, we had our best men push them to the walls and gate


While they pushed, our men, and an extra battering ram, stood ready.


But then disaster struck: arrows with fire on them set fire to the ram! Our troops manning the ram had to fall back.


But our siege tower made it to the walls safely.


Meanwhile, the eight survivors of the elite foot soldier unit who were tasked with guarding the walls looked on, sensing their impending doom.


Our men poured onto the wall.


Soon, we captured the gate. The eight Lusotanan soldiers posed no real problem for us.
Dejotaros sent almost the entire army into the town.


We were met by the garrison commander and his bodyguard. He had a funny accent, sounded very Gaul-ish. Makes me wonder where the Lusotanan are getting their soldiers. We made short work of the garrison commander and his bodyguard. Incidentally, most of them were vets of the previous battle.


There was also a report of a soldier who went insane while fighting, saying such nonsense like “git some” over an over while mercilessly hacking at the Lusotanan. I'm beginning to worry that the fighting is getting to some people’s head.

Our men ran to the town center, and found little resistance.


We hacked down all those who resisted. Oxtraca was ours.


Dejotaros made a policy of no looting, and tried to keep order as much as possible. But it was hard to control the men after they found the local brothel. Dejotaros, quite by coincidence (or so he claimed) put his headquarters right across the street from the brothel. After discussing with him about our next move in the campaign, I stepped outside for some fresh air.
I looked one way and saw O’bryn chasing after a group of middle-aged whores. Typical O’bryn.
I looked the other way and saw Lugo chasing after some younger whores, shouting “blood!” and the whores running from him in terror. Poor Lugo.
I contemplated stopping the whores and explaining Lugo’s intentions, but I decided to let it play out. I am a horrible wingman, aren’t I?

I settled in for the night, far from the whorehouse. I did not want to stay anywhere near that place. Besides, I have just met a wonderful young woman….

In the morning, I scavenged around the headquarters of the Lusotanan garrison. I looked into a trunk and found a map. It was quite interesting and very colorful. It looked like a map of the world.


I showed it to Dejotaros. He took interest in it too. And so did Kyros. He said that he found a similar map when he was serving with the Getai.
Then Flynnyn showed up and started babbling about it being evidence of UFOs. Cian ran in, punched Flynnyn in the gut, took the map, looked at it, and then ate it.
“I needed to erase the evidence.”

I'm starting to wonder if everyone is going insane….