Winston Hughes was sitting all alone eating chicken soup, when he heard a knock on the door. "Well who could that be?" he wondered. When he opened the door, he saw two men holding a big package. "Sign here" said the gruff voice. The box suddenly opened up, and out popped a monkey. "I didn't order a monkey" said Winston, as the monkey hopped into his arms and began playing the cymbals. "That's not our problem" said one of the two men. The monkey screamed at Winston and slammed the cymbals against his head, and everything went blank. When he woke up, Winston was tied to a chair in the middle of a dimly lit room. There was a table to his left, and just within reach was a gun, and a note that said "use me to escape". He was unsure what that meant, until the loudspeaker in the far corner of the room began to play a familiar melody.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2WGfqfQ6HM
He gladly put the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
Myrddraal was enjoying a game of mafia on his computer, but he felt like someone was watching him. This was never a good sign. Sure enough, just outside his house, a pair of beekeepers slid a tube through the pet door. The tube led all the way to their truck, which had a big sign on it which read "killer bees". They then waited by the front door with guns drawn, and waited for the inevitable screams. Myrddraal heard the omnious sound of buzzing and ran for the back door instead, but was running too fast to see the nearly invisible piano wire, running across the back porch at neck level. His body ended up in the back lawn, 7 kilograms lighter.
I provided the story, pever filled in the blanks on this one. He did a good job.
Sasaki Kojiro was sitting at home, checking out what was on TV. As it turns out, not a whole lot. Sure, tonight seemed to be some big Dr. Who thing, but he hated that show, so he eventually settled on some good old fashioned rugby. Brushing the old cat hair off his shoulders, he had just gotten comfortable when the doorbell rang. Grumbling, Sasaki got up to answer it. He swung the door open and to his amazement, there stood a big blue fox. She was on her hind legs and was posing seductively. She slowly walked past him and made her way to the stairs, stopping at the bottom and giving Sasaki the best "come hither" look he had ever seen, and he'd seen a lot of them on his TV. He followed this foxy lady, or was she a lady fox?, up the stairs into his bathroom, where she turned on the taps in his bathtub. Complying with her wishes, Sasaki lowered himself into the tub, after discarding his clothes, and sighed at how good the water felt. His mind went blank as the foxy lady gave him the best massage he had ever had. He was so relaxed, he didn't hear two men grunt and stagger their way up the stairs, and into the bathroom. The lady's hands went down past his shoulders, his biceps and elbows and to his wrists. Sasaki was shivering, anticipating the feeling of her fingers on his, but instead he was treated to the cold feeling of steel around his wrists. He opened his eyes and saw that he had been handcuffed to the taps. Silently, Sasaki cursed having such elaborate taps, and so far apart. He could move upward from a sitting position, but he couldnt get out of the water. Finally taking notice of the two men in the room, his face did not turn to horror, but puzzlement. The two men had brought in a high powered portable air conditioning unit. Laughing to themselves, they turned it on full blast and pointed it at Sasaki. He died of hypothermia before the sun rose.
Scienter was walking along the boardwalk, enjoying the sea salt and spray, the smell of the ocean and the feeling of hard word beneath her feet. Up ahead, she spotted some street performers, knife jugglers. Having grown paranoid, she put away her little notebook and turned to run away. What she in fact did, however, is fall on a bannana peel. It was a comical sight to others, but Scienter managed to do a double front flip and smack her head so hard on the wood that she died immediately. The two street performers walked over to her. Nudging the body with his foot, the taller one said "Why'd you have to bring the monkey again?" The monkey didn't seem to take that too nicely, he scampered down off the shoulder of the shorter one, onto the body of Scienter and starting jumping up and down, screaming. What shamed even the knife jugglers is when the monkey decided to add banging his cymbols together to the odd dance.
This one failed, so it was altered by pevergreen.
Seamus Fermanagh went out to the local pub. The funeral was depressing, but the lawlessness outside was getting out of hand. He ordered scotch and told the bartender to keep it coming. He lost himself in the football game on the telly, and the hours passed. Later that evening he stumbled out of the pub, drunk as a skunk dipped in scotch, and staggered out to the curb to hail a taxi. Two men wearing dark suits and fedoras came up to Seamus, and without saying a word they drew their weapons and shot Seamus in the back at point-blank range. Thanks to the scotch, Seamus didn't feel much pain, he simply drifted off to a cold sleep. He awoke the next morning, eyes blurry to a man putting down something. The man smiled and said, "Lucky I got to you in time, otherwise you would have been a goner!" He left before Seamus could identify who it was.
Methos knew that they were watching him. The security cameras in his office building weren't for keeping the building secure, they were for following his every move. At this moment, the government men would be in his home: collecting skin samples, hair fibers, and lifting his fingerprints off the pennies in his penny jar. It was only a matter of time before they would take him away and perform experiments on him. Then they would shoot him in the temple and leave him in the mountains to be eaten by wolves. Soon after that, he would be replaced by a clone, an obedient one to serve their wishes. Well he wasn't going to let that happen, so when he got a red envelope in the mail without a return address, he knew it must have been filled with knockout gas. He ran to the nearest window and threw himself out. He landed on the street below and died instantly. Two architects were standing nearby when it happened, and they were shocked to see Methos lying dead on the ground. One of them turned to the other and asked if he remembered to invite Methos to the upcoming charity ball, but the second one nodded and said that he had just mailed the invitation this morning in a red envelope.
YLC was restless... it was another night with no sleep. He simply gave up and decided to go do some chores. At least the house would be clean, and maybe he would get tired, he thought to himself. But after scrubbing all his walls with ammonia, he needed to step out for some fresh air. But he wasn't getting tired, he was getting hungry. So he grabbed his propane grill and decided to throw some steaks and shrimp over the clean-burning flame. Standing outside in just his boxer briefs, he was too focused on the glow of the fire to hear the footsteps of the two men in dark suits and fedoras walking up the drive behind him. Just as the steaks and the shrimp were ready, the men in suits opened fire, pumping YLC's body full of hot lead. YLC gripped the edge of the grill and with the last of his strength, he shoved one of the steaks in his mouth, and savored the sweet flavor in his final moments. One of the two men fired at the propane tank, and the explosion killed YLC instantly and burned his body to a crisp. They nodded to each other, and without saying a word, they left the scene in opposite directions.
Diamondeye was curious as a child, the two psychologists noted. He would always be climbing trees and turning over rocks, and trying new foods. He was also quite vulnerable to suggestion, to a fault it seemed. So they brought him into their office and they placed several objects in front of him, with instructions. The first was a bran muffin, with a note that said "taste me", and so Diamondeye picked it up and took a nibble. The next was a plush pokemon toy, with a note that said "squeeze me" and Diamondeye picked it up and squeezed it. The two psychologists took careful notes. The next was a slice of swiss cheese, which said "smell me" and Diamondeye picked it up and he sniffed it. The two psychologists just observed quietly. Next, there was an assortment of razorblades on the table, with a note that said "eat me". Without any hesitation, Diamondeye grabbed the razors and stuffed them down his throat. He didn't get to the next item on the table, which was a pile of jelly beans, and a note that said "shave with me". It was too late before the psychologists realized they had switched the signs by mistake.
Yaseikhaan was out walking his poodle, enjoying the fresh air while she did her business on the lawn of some big shot. "That's right Peanut, show mister money-bags what we think of him. Good girl." He heard the sound of three sets of footsteps behind him. "Just what do you think you're doing?" asked the men in dark suits and fedoras. "That's private property. Are you gonna pick that up?" Yaseikhaan nodded and brought out a plastic baggie. "Oh no mister, no plastic bags. Pick it up with your hands." So yaseikhaan picked up the mess with his bare hands. "Well are you going to carry it around or are you gonna get rid of it?" Yaseikhaan looked at them in confusion, and saw that they were all pointing guns at him. His eyes widened when they told him to get rid of it. He gulped and got rid of it, just as they had instructed. It was not pleasant. "I hope it tasted good" one man said in a gruff voice. "Hope you enjoy your dessert" said the man, as they shot Yaseikhaan full of hot lead. One of the men had a headache, and complained about it. "Aren't you going to see a shrink about that?" asked the man with the gruff voice. "He's the one who gave me the headache" said his partner. "He keeps bringing a monkey to the office and it won't stop playing the cymbals." His partner looked at him oddly, and just shook his head.
White Eyes sat on the beach, all alone. There was no one around to juggle knives with... and no more monkey. Who killed his monkey? His precious, precious monkey? He swore he would get revenge on whoever killed his monkey. But before he could hatch a plan to get revenge, a car crashed through the wooden fence seperating the beach from the shore, and drove down onto the sand, nearly running down poor White Eyes. He jumped out of the way just in time. The doors opened, and two men in dark suits and fedoras stepped out of the vehicle. They opened fire on White Eyes. But White Eyes was secretly a ninja, and he leaped through the air and did many flips, and landed between the two men in dark suits, and kicked their guns away. "Now is the time for your cruel undoing! I will desecrate your face with the heel of my foot!" shouted White Eyes.
However, the two men in dark suits and fedoras were no ordinary criminals. They were trained in the deadly arts, and were able to dodge the blows of White Eyes and deliver swift retaliation. Although White Eyes was a master ninja, he was soon overwhelmed by their fists of doom. One of the two men dropped to the ground and delivered a kick to the ankle of White Eyes, which stung really badly. The other one jumped vertical into the air and flipped several times before landing right in front of White Eyes and poked him in both eyes with his fingers.
"Ow, that hurts my body! But you are not only fighting my body, you are fighting my mind!" said White Eyes, who made a feint to the left, and then stopped, spun around like a ballerina, and then went left anyway. These tactics dazzled the eyeballs of his opponents, who were stunned and afraid because of his mastery of mental manipulations.
White Eyes took advantage of their momentary lapse in concentration and ran in a semicircle around the men, to the back. But the fedora men were smarter than that, and turned around. Aha but this was all part of White Eyes magnificent plan, so he kept running all the way around to the front, just in time to not be seen. So the fedora men kept turning, looking for him, and White Eyes continued running in a circle around them, faster and faster, until his legs began to blur and kick up sand and dust. Now the fedora men were dizzy and choking on sand, and they were unprepared for White Eyes most devastating attack:
the cold stare of death. So he stopped and waited for the dust to settle, and the two men staggered and stumbled toward White Eyes.
But then he just looked at them like this:
It was overpowering! The two men fell to their knees and begged for forgiveness, they couldn't take it anymore. But White Eyes would not relent, he just stared at them some more... his eyes widening to an unimaginable, almost cartoonish size. The sight of this made one of the men declare that there was no God, and made the other one cry for his momma. White Eyes grinned
and laughed at this, like so:
But then, some of the dust blew into his nose and made him sneeze, and try as he might, he could not resist the urge to close his eyes... breaking the powerful hold. In that brief instant, his advantage disappeared. The two men grabbed him and turned him upside down, and stuffed him headfirst into a bucket filled with discarded cigarettes, which was too small and got stuck halfway, covering his eyes. White Eyes did a backflip and tried to fight on, but he couldn't see or deliver the mighty stare. So the two men ran and grabbed their guns, and returned. White Eyes was swinging wildly, and hitting nothing but air. He heard the sound of pistols clicking and once again used his powerful mind to escape.
"I should warn you, I have a tiny bulletproof shield the exact size of a bullet somewhere on my body, and if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled. You'll be the laughing stock of me!"
The
logic of this confounded the two men, who realized the error of their ways and put the obviously worthless guns down on the ground and surrendered. White Eyes was far too clever for that, and jumped 15 feet into the air and stomped on their heads like Super Mario, crushing their skulls instantly. All of a sudden, tons of hot supermodels came out from behind the fence with champagne and caviar and the entire Ugly Betty Season 2 DVD collection. They also had those flowers on a string that makes a necklace, and put that on White Eyes, who was like "yay". The very next year he was elected Prime Minister, and he governed for at least 100 years, until he built a rocketship and explored the galaxy. That's when White Eyes woke up, and saw two men in dark suits and fedoras standing next to his bed.
"Oh
" said White Eyes, just before they smashed his skull in like a pumpkin.
This one failed, because someone didn't show up, so it was altered by pevergreen. The original was awesome. I was heartbroken.
Reenk Roink sat in his posh 5 story mansion, watching hockey on his gigantic plasma television. He was sipping only the finest wine. Since he had thousands of bottles of "only" the finest wine in his wine cellar, that much was a given. Unexpectedly, the power went out, and the plasma television cut off. Reenk knew this could only mean one thing. He just sat there in the dark, smirking, and turned around to see the large doors of his mansion bust open. He snapped his fingers and one of the scantily-clad servant girls went to make him some popcorn. Through the open doors of his mansion, a man in a white suit, tie, fedora and blue shirt entered. He flipped a coin across the room, and it landed inside Reenk's jukebox, which began playing Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal.
Reenk started bobbing his head with the music, clapped his hands together with the beat, and watched as the gangster began dancing around the large entertainment room, smashing vases and pots, and setting fire to priceless works of art, all in step with the music. The servant girls returned with the popcorn, and gave Reenk a lap dance while feeding him the popcorn. He could scarcely keep his eye on the rather impressive dancing of the criminal in his mansion. Reenk had his priorities straight, after all.
The criminal took out a tommy gun and began shooting up the windows, and even took out the plasma TV. Reenk, meanwhile, happily munched on his popcorn while bobbing his head up and down, and enjoyed the dancing of the servant girls. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the man dumping gasoline all over his priceless shag carpet. He flipped a switch and a disco ball came out of the ceiling and strobe lights began flashing. One of the servant girls handed an electric guitar to the man, and he began playing the instrument right along with the music. He began moonwalking toward Reenk and his servant girl, and grabbed her by the hand and danced away.
At this point, Reenk got out of his chair and began to bust a move. No one was going to come into his mansion and out-smooth him. He began snapping his fingers, and did the moonwalk even better than his criminal counterpart. Even more importantly, Reenk was wearing gold pants, so he was clearly better dressed than this pretender to the throne. Reenk began singing the lyrics better than the criminal, better than Michael Jackson himself. The gangster knew better than to try to upstage Reenk, so he became his backup dancers, and the servant girls joined in. The mansion was burning.... the strobe lights were flashing through the smoke, and the disco ball kept spinning. It was the single most awesome thing anyone had ever seen, and it was all captured on camera. The music video would later go on to be the most viewed viral video on the internet.
Reenk sang and danced better than anyone in history. All the ladies and even some of the gentlemen began to swoon. He could have had anyone if he wanted to. Some of the more industrious onlookers from the street, who were able to scale Reenk's 10 foot tall iron fence and avoid the dozens of guard dogs and multiple redundant alarm systems, began pouring inside Casa de Reenk, making it both the most popular nightclub in all of Michigan, but also the hottest; literally. The flames of his burning mansion shot 30 feet into the air, and everyone was building up quite a sweat. Except for Reenk who remained cool as a cucumber.
When the song was nearly over, everyone began to shower Reenk with roses, gold coins, bras and panties. Everyone was jealous of him, especially the criminal, who simply couldn't outshine him. So just as the song ended, the gentleman noted he was alone and ran away.
Reenk dedicated his performance to his two favourite things in the world, then retired to his massive bed with all his pretty ladies.
Splitpersonality wrote this one.
Joooray was walking home, writing down things in his notebook. As he rounded the last corner, he noticed three figures emerge from the darkness. He knew this was coming. He decided to try to rush home. They started to move towards him, but not walking. They were all hopping. Joooray's face was the textbook display of confusion, as the three men were wearing rabbit suits. Jooray broke into a run, but they hopped fast and faster. When the rabbit men caught up to him, they carried him off and proceeded to make multiple hilarious youtube videos as Bugs Bunny and making Joooray as Fudd. After they were done, they buried him in their rabbit hole and in the process, killed joooray.
Captain Blackadder sat in his posh 7 story mansion, watching hockey on his gigantic plasma television. He was sipping only the finest wine. Since he had thousands of bottles of "only" the finest wine in his wine cellar, that much was a given. Unexpectedly, the power went out, and the plasma television cut off. Blackadder knew this could only mean one thing. He just sat there in the dark, smirking, and turned around to see the large doors of his mansion bust open. He snapped his fingers and one of the scantily-clad servant girls went to make him some popcorn. Through the open doors of his mansion, one man in an orange jacket, dark pants, and dark, curly hair. He flipped a coin across the room, and it landed inside Blackadder's jukebox, which began playing
Michael Jackson's Beat it.
CB started bobbing his head with the music, clapped his hands together with the beat, and watched as the gangster began dancing around the large entertainment room, smashing vases and pots, and setting fire to priceless works of art, all in step with the music. The servant girls returned with the popcorn, and gave CB a lap dance while feeding him the popcorn. He could scarcely keep his eye on the rather impressive dancing of the two criminals in his mansion. CB had his priorities straight, after all.
The criminal took out a sledgehammer and took out the plasma TV. Blackadder, meanwhile, happily munched on his popcorn while bobbing his head up and down, and enjoyed the dancing of the servant girls. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the man jump on top of the pool table and begin dancing like only Michael Jackson could. One of the servant girls flipped a switch and a disco ball came out of the ceiling and strobe lights began flashing. One of the servant girls handed an electric guitar to the man, and he began playing the most awesome guitar solo ever. He jumped off of the pool table and moved directly into the crowd of CB's ladies. None of the ladies paid him any attention, they were focused on Blackadder.
At this point, Blackadder got out of his chair and began to bust a move. No one was going to come into his mansion and out-smooth him. He began snapping his fingers, and did the moonwalk once more, only more awesome than the first time. Even more importantly, CB was wearing a white jacket and white pants and a black shirt, so he was clearly better dressed than this pretender to the throne. His hair was also much blacker, much curlier, and much more poofy. Blackadder began singing the lyrics better than Michael Jackson himself. The gangster knew better than to try to upstage the Captain, so he became his backup dancer, and the servant girls joined in.
As the gangster played the guitar, Captain Blackadder brought out a tommy gun and began to shoot up the place with it, as he sang and danced better than anyone in history. All the ladies and even some of the gentlemen began to swoon. He could have had anyone if he wanted to. Some of the more industrious onlookers from the street, who were unable to scale Blackadder's 20 foot tall iron fence or avoid the hundreds of guard dogs and Mission-Impossible-style alarm systems, began wishing they could all swarm inside Casa de Blackadder, making it the most popular nightclub in all of Australia. Everyone was building up quite a sweat. Except for the Captain who remained cool as a cucumber.
When the song was nearly over, CB's servant girls began to shower him with roses, gold coins, bras and panties. Everyone was jealous of him, especially the criminal, who simply couldn't outshine him, even though he tried REALLY hard this time. So just as the song ended, the gentleman with the electric guitar smashed Captain Blackadder over the head with it, shattering it into a million pieces and electrocuting him in the process. Even in his death throes, the energy from the guitar caused Blackadder to drop to the ground and begin boogying like no one had ever seen before. He was breakdancing faster than anyone could see; a blur of pure awesome and drop-dead sexy.
One of the servant girls fainted from the sight of this.... Blackadder's machismo caused her to go light-headed. She wanted him so badly. The criminal rushed over to her.
"My life means nothing to me. But Captain Blackadder must live on."
The man in the orange jacket just nodded, but said that sadly, it needed to be done. Then he took his sledgehammer, and smashed Blackadder's skull like Gallagher. Then he grabbed CB's tommy gun and moonwalked out of Casa de Blackadder, nodding to the beat he felt in his soul, out of reverence for the recently departed. When news hit the papers the next morning that Blackadder was dead, all industry and commerce shut down. A respectful silence was observed for an entire week afterward. This silent peace happened everywhere, and all the wars and conflicts across the world ended, at least momentarily. "Blackadder remembrance week" is still observed to this very day, during which only Michael Jackson may be played on the radio, only hockey may be viewed on television, and popcorn may only be eaten during a lap dance.
After hearing all of this, Reenk Roink went "Hey! That was supposed to be MY murder! Lazy mafioso...."
Originally Posted by spL1tp3r50naL1ty
Re: The Revenge of Inishmore! [In Play]
Congrats, team.
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