So... This is a rant and what the heck do i do, and was i wrong in how i acted post. This is all done from memory, I'm repeating the dialog as best as possible.
This evening at dinner, I sit down with nothing but the thought of bearing through it and trying not to get into a fight with either my dad or his choice of a wife. My dad explains to me as i enter the dining room, "Jake, we got some trout tonight." Sweet! I think happily to myself. Trout is one of my favorite foods, well.. Most fish is. Anyways as I sit down he fills me in on how this fabulous meal came to be. "Linda caught a bunch when we went camping this weekend. Its some good stuff too, Mmmm Hmmm." (Yes my dad actually talks like that.) "Mmmm Looks good. Yes I heard you caught a lot of fish this weekend Linda. Smells good too." came my quick reply.
I am just starting to really enjoy eating my dinner in a nice peaceful environment of light dinner conversation, the usual, "How was your day?" or "Learn anything new in class?" Then a seemingly harmless question comes up from Linda, a trap... it must be. "So Jake, what are your plans for the future?" I now had two choices, a sarcastic remark, "Well one day i hope we can goto the stars and explore space." or a serious response of, "I'm not really sure, I'm pretty sure I plan on going to school during this upcoming semester." I choose the latter. Bad choice I think... "So," Linda replies, "Where are you planning on living?" I sat for a while and contemplated the question, I choose what seems like the most harmless response. "I'm thinking about going back to my moms house and continuing school there." Linda is quick on the reply, it's like she planned this out. "How come you want to go there?" I've gotta be quick on my feet and diffuse what could be a catastrophic event. "I just don't get as stressed out when I am living with my mom. She is a lot more lenient about work and chores. As long as I'm going to school, she is fine with me not working."
The wrong answer....
"So you are saying you get stressed more here?"
"To an extent."
"So I am the cause of your stress." It was a statement... Not a question. I keep thinking where I went wrong. How could I have let this conversation get so out of control.
"No, no... I am not saying that. I'm saying that I get stressed out easier here, I don't know why but its not just (Worst word choice ever.) because of you, i get stressed from a lot of things around here, mike (friend), dad... Joe(brother) on occasion." I automatically knew i screwed the pooch. "So you are saying I stress you out!?!" She is staring intently at me and I can tell this is not going to end well. "No, like I said, I just get stressed out easier when I'm here. It's the atmosphere and ambiance of this city and house." All that is immediately directed at her some how. I don't know how I can pull a stupid mistake like that. I try to talk my way out of this before she can respond, "It's just... The less minor rules there are for me to break the more relaxed I tend to be. When I'm worried about the fact that I will have something for lunch hoping it won't cause a fight stresses me out. 'Nd when I get stressed out I sometimes lose control of what i say or what I do. The less stress there is the less of a chance for me to get mad and stab someone."
Wrong wording... Again.
"Well I'm done, please excuse me, I don't want to get stabbed." She is on her feet and walking away. F word... I know im going to get it from my dad now, but just before he starts in on me Linda comes back to continue this... "Conversation"
She starts this fake crying. "Do you know how hard it is to have you come home every day and hide yourself away in that room? Do you know how bad it makes me feel that when I ask what you would like for dinner that you just..." She makes a fart noise and sticks her tongue out, "... and blow me off. Do you know how much I care for what you do and the fact that you are in school and not just being a bum at your moms house?" All I can do is stare at this spectacle she is making and wonder what my dad sees in this women. "Every day, I come home and you are in that room, it makes me sad, I feel horrible." This is gone on too long, I just say it, " I'm sorry, I try not to cause anyone to feel bad about stuff I do. I'm truly sorry about how I make you feel." It doesn't work... maybe I wasn't sincere enough. She continues, "Do you know how much it hurts me to come home and have to cook food for you? When you lived with your mom your dad and I had a simple dinner every night. Since you are an early twenties... No late teens kid you are still growing and you need nutrition to help keep you going." I try to compromise but it gets blown aside. I try and make a statement about how I know that they perceive me as lazy since I do not work and I don't pay for anything around the house. I try to be reasonable. Doesn't work.
She continues to complain about how I make life miserable, and I try my best to remain calm. It's getting very hard and my dad sees this. He gets up and says thank you for dinner and starts clearing the table. I quickly finish my trout and get up as well. I grab what I can and make my way toward the kitchen but Linda bars the way. She asks me what I'm planning to do and I'm done being civil. "Well..." I begin, "I'm planning on doing the dishes then making you more annoyed by going to my room. Is that alright with you?" She makes some snide remark and starts walking away. Stupid me, I just couldn't let this one go. "I know I am just an ignorant teenager and that I have no idea what the 'real" world is like. I know I've never been homeless or had to worry about where my mother might get our next meal, just an ignorant teenager."(Historical note: I've been homeless before, it was only for 6 months, but I have been to the extreme poor.) She turns around and blocks the door again, "I never said that! Those are your words not mine!" I say, "Well what you said about me was a metaphor for my being immature and ignorant, its a synonym of sorts." Before she can respond I say, "I need to do dishes now, please let me through."
I think I'm safe, I think in the solitude of my doing dishes she will leave me alone. She steps outside for a second and I think she cant hear me I ask my dad, "Am I being intrusive? I try to let you guys live how you do when I'm not here. I say my hello's and good byes like a civil member of the family, how do I not receive the respect?"
My dad looks at me then quickly over my shoulder, Linda is right behind me and say, "I know you hate your mother and she stresses you out, I know how much you hate it there." I look at her and respond as quickly as I can, "Whoa! Hold on a minute? I hate my mother? I... HATE... MY... MOTHER?!?" I'm quickly losing control over my emotions and if I say what I want to it will severely hurt my father feelings. I try and hold it in as best as possible. My dad begins to usher her out of the kitchen so that I don't do anything stupid.
I'm just about done with the dishes when Linda comes back. "I know I'm just a *b word*, and cant do anything right. Just a *b wo-" I cut her off, I don't want to fight and this is reaching its tipping point, its now or never. "Linda... Quiet, I am stopping this conversation right here, right now. As soon as I'm done with these dishes I'm going to go cool off in my bedroom.
As I was typing this my dad told me I did well to keep myself from yelling at her, so I hope I don't regret this later on.
Bookmarks