Imperial Diet & Rules

[Zim]

Wilhelm von Staufen, his livery torn and muddied and one arm in a sling, limps into the chamber.

My lords, I bear terrible news. The Duke has perished in battle. Despite being greatly outnumbered he had succeeded in routing half of the Milanese dogs, but it was not enough. The training of the Italian Militia and the traitor German mercenaries they hired showed true, and he fell attempting to rally his own men, the German mercenary spearmen in Milan's employ mobbing him as he cursed them for their treachery. The Milanese then butchered the prisoners they captured.

A great man has been taken from the Reich this day.

[GeneralHankerchief]

Kaiser Heinrich:

I have news from the West, Good Electors! Antwerp is retaken for the glory of the Reich! I am currently considering renaming this town "Hummelburg" in honor of the man who fell and died defending it the city from the French invaders.

He pauses for a second, waiting for a response, seeing for the first time the near-emptiness of the Diet.

...the hell is everybody??!? Seriously, I remember back in the day where I could go in the Diet, announce the capture of a city, and the place would practically throw a party, getting on their hands and knees to praise me and the glory of the Reich! What's going on here? Has the fact that I haven't bathed in over a month really getting to you all that much?

After this harangue pauses, a Diet page sheepishly hands the Kaiser a note. Heinrich reads it and gets visibly angry.

Oh God, another one? How does this keep happening? What's the matter with the world today? I'm losing more *$%!ing Dukes than there are trees in the Black Forest! I didn't even know we had this many Dukes to lose!!! Who's left? We have Leopold and... Premyslid, right? Is he still involved in politics? Is he still even alive?! Wait, so he *is* alive, he *is* active, but he might be relieving the siege of Frankfurt against a large Polish army, right? Oh yeah, I like our chances with this one! Let's see, one Duke goes against the odds to defend Antwerp, and he dies. Another Duke goes against the odds to defend Innsbruck, and he dies! So right now... we have a Duke going against the odds to defend Frankfurt? I wonder how this one is gonna turn out! I was being sarcastic, in case you didn't notice, by the way!

Also, is this the stupidest siege of a city or what? I came in here in my full livery and the Poles just let me right on through! I didn't even need a flag of truce or anything!

Good Electors, I am passing an Emergency law. This is going into effect immediately, and I don't care if it has Diet approval or not. I am Kaiser, and I am passing this law, Diet be damned. The law is as follows: Stop dying in battle!!! From here on forward, it is illegal for an Elector of the Reich to die in battle against our enemies. The penalty for disobedience of this law will be the knowledge that you are driving your Kaiser one step closer to madness. So stop! I've had enough already!

As the Kaiser's ranting dies down, the page, an expression of sheer terror on his face, cautiously sidles up over to the Kaiser and hands him another note, looking away and practically running off as soon as the task is completed. This is probably for the best as the Kaiser's complexion turns positively volcanic upon reading the note.

Papal... Papal what??!?! That false friar Hildebrand will do what to me if we don't cease hostilities with Hungary immediately? Of all the miserable, rotten, lousy -

*Note: The Diet Secretary records that at this point, Kaiser Heinrich's next portion of speech lapses into the domain of the unprintable, as it would surely serve to corrupt any and all souls who would read it. The record picks up again a full fifteen minutes later.*

God, how I hate him! I curse him and his followers for all eternity! His name will be anathema for the rest of eternity by the time I am done with him! And the worst part is, I can't even do anything about it at the moment! I cannot even think about lead an attack on Rome to make the *#%! pay personally, because all of my Dukes are dropping like flies and we're getting invaded by about twenty different countries! And no, we can't ignore this Papal demand, because that snake Hildebrand has so helpfully placed an inquisitor only a few miles from the bulk of my army. If we ignore this order and I get excommunicated, then that will be all the motivation that black-capped *Diet Secretary: More unprintables* needs to haul me off and try me for heresy! Oh yes, Good Electors, I will die in Rome as I have always planned to, but it will still be in Papal possession and I will not die as right like a king, but most likely I will be burned to a crisp and my ashes scattered to the four winds.

No, Good Electors, as much as I hate to say it, we have no choice but to obey... for now.

Leopold! Herden! Whoever it is that's in command over there! Maintain the siege of Budapest! Do not assault but maintain the siege! I believe that this will still not go beyond the boundaries of what will get us excommunicated - though correct me if I'm wrong, naturally.

I will kick every single stinking foreigner out of the Reich, restore all of our lost territories, and even stride in to Rome to personally smite that false priest who styles himself the Vicar of Christ myself if I have to.

Muttering, the Kaiser starts walking out of the Diet, back toward his army.

God, where's the alcohol when you really need it?

[Nightbringer]

With his face a mixture of shock and awe at the Emperor's tirade, Max quickly scribbles a note and hands it to the same remarkable messenger who snuck through the enemy lines.
I have informerde my Lord Herder that he is to continue the siege of Budapest, I'm sure his hopes will rest on the Hungarians foolishly making some attempt to attack and drive him off. I am equally sure that he is as enraged as you are by the pope's decree, and will gladly march at your side to put this dictator in his place, namely, about one head shorter.

Oh, and congratulations on the capture of Antwerp!
Max begins to clap but soon stops, apparently dishearten by the sounds of his singular applause's echo.

edited because my wording ended up meaning something I completely did not mean it to, and was unaware of its usage as such, thankfully this was pointed out to me

[Cecil XIX]

After waiting a respectful while after the Kaiser, the Diet Speaker steps forward and directs the Diet towards two reports from the Time of Troubles.

[The False Friar Hildebrand] ... has issued orders to Milan ... to cease their attacks for seven seasons. [Milan has] complied for now, although Milan is besieging Bern and is "refraining from attacking the Empire" in such a way as to starve the beleagured Swiss.

This last act of defiance has caught the eye of the Pope, none too pleased at the Duke of Milan's attempted legal wrangling. He has excommunicated Duke Bernardo, and the entire Duchy of Milan. For his part the Duke shows no signs of backing down, and has continued the Siege of Bern.

[GeneralHankerchief]

Kaiser Heinrich:

I'll kill him. I'll kill him myself with my bare hands. I will personally march south, through Germany, the Alps, and half of Italy, hacking my way through anyone foolish enough to get in my way, and then I will personally dismantle the walls of Rome, stone by stone if I have to, and stride right through the city straight for that foul boggart's office, and I will drag him by the hair to the very gates of Hell, and then I will order those gates to open, throw him in by the hair, and make my way back to Germany. This will not stand.

*sigh* Break off the siege. If we get excommunicated, I want us to earn it.

[Nightbringer]

Yes noble Kaiser, but I suspect Herder will be none too pleased, shall he be directed against some more immediate threat Kaiser, Prinz Leopold?

[GeneralHankerchief]

Kaiser Heinrich:

I don't know, just kill something that won't get us in deeper *#%! than a pigsty in April. Milan's still excommunicated, maybe help out with the reconquest there. Something. Anything. I'll leave the specifics up to your Duke.