Surging Rifts: a Mass Effect/Sins of a Solar Empire crossover story

[Prince Cobra]

First, let me start with some criticism. The Prologue and much of Chapter 1 were very hard to be read. There was too much info and a lot of names. You don't really want to confuse the reader. I really understand you want to tell the reader many things. IMHO, the best way to do that is to serve readers small potions of the atmosphere as the plot develops. Avoid numbers and much technical terms, use abbreviations only when it is necessary. Try to introduce a sensible amount of charcters in the first chapters. You will present the others as the plot develops. Don't worry it's a mistake every writer makes in the beginning.

I started to (really) read the story from chapter 2 on. I liked the scene between your main character and Miranda. The battle scene was also well-made. Personally, I would not put that much thinking and moral dilemmas in the heat of the battle but that's me; you should write it the way you feel it! I am also glad to notice ground for future conflicts between the characters. Another typical mistake for a beginner: you simply tend to give dialogues with little or no description to give an atmosphere. And like myself you tend to tell, rather than show. Few examples:

As Shepard looked on, he saw the marine raise his rifle, and fire a few shots that went wild. Maybe it was a mistake sending him to the front. Then in what seemed to be a burst of adrenaline, the marine jumped out of cover, apparently to throw a grenade. He was promptly shot and killed. The grenade he threw exploded harmlessly five feet in front of the Advent barricade. Okay, it was a mistake. (this is a bit useless; first, it is obvious; second, your character is sensitive and I doubt "mistake" can describe a loss of life; just remove it)

Shepard cursed himself for his thoughtlessness, but they had to push on. The marine was weak, he told himself. It wasn't my fault that he died. Or was it my fault? I told him to get to the front. Did I condemn him to death?

"They are fine, but missing their father, especially Marcus. But you should see how proud Jason is of you!"

Jason and Marcus were their sons. (I would skip that; it's quite obvious) Jason was six, Marcus was three.

"Every day he boasts to his friends in kindergarten that his father is a famous admiral. The teacher says it's rude, but I think it's adorable. So, honey, what's up? You looked stressed."

I like the lines below with the underlying humour. I presume it's quite obvious that if Jax loses the ship, there won't be any need to be killed. He will be dead.

"Jax, I am confident in your abilities to command this ship in battle. Remember, if you lose the ship I will personally kill you. Good luck."

Jax smiled.

"Of course sir, of course."

Likewise, there is a wiki about SoaSE so if there is a reference to something in SoaSE that you do not know, look it up: this fanfic is best read by someone who knows something about the Mass Effect story as well as about SoaSE.

What's that? You want somebody else to do your unfinished work... No, you are the writer so get to work And you know, sloth is a mortal sin.