The Half Monty [Concluded]

[Askthepizzaguy]

THE HALF MONTY

Rules:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

1. Day Phases will be 48 hours long, unless everyone has voted by the 24 hour mark.
2. Night Phases will be 24 hours long.
3. Tied votes result in No Lynch.
4. No Lynch is allowed as an option. Abstain is allowed as an option.
5. No out of thread communication unless specifically sanctioned by me, the game host. You break this rule, you are WOG'ed immediately.
6. You may post your role PM publicly. You may also copy/forge messages from the game host to you, unless specifically told not to do so by me, the game host.
7. No screenshots, no forwarding PMs, and obviously no chat logs or other out of thread communication posting, because it's illegal to do so in the first place.

Night Zero





Monty Burns: "Look at them all, Smithers.... Lollygaggers. Layabouts. Slugabeds! I shouldn't have to pay them to work at my plant. They should be paying me. I'm the one who has to suffer their incompetent boobery."

Waylon Smithers: "Yes sir."

Monty Burns: "Well, the radiation has probably made them all sterile anyway. Eventually, sweet death will embrace them all. Muah-hahahaha! But this all happens too slowly for my taste. Just watching them stand around, staring off into space, scratching themselves, drooling like lobotomy patients, on my precious dime.... it sickens me. I think it's time for a random firing."

Waylon Smithers: "I'll get the darts."

Monty Burns: "Smithers, put on the blindfold."

Waylon Smithers: "Uh...... I think you're supposed to wear it, sir."

Monty Burns: "No back talk, Waylon. Tie it good and tight, and spin around in the chair."

Waylon Smithers: "But sir, I have motion sick-"

Monty Burns: "Spin, Smithers! Spin faster! FASTER!!!"

Waylon Smithers: "Sir, I think I'm going to..... going to..... ulp...."

Monty Burns: "All right, now hold up the list of employees so I can throw the darts at it."

Waylon Smithers: "Wouldn't it be safer to hang it on the wall?"

Monty Burns: "Ooof... why do they make these..... plastic darts.... so heavy. All right, Smithers, I will now begin the random firing. And stand still, or you'll be fired as well."

Waylon Smithers: "For the love of god, please aim above my crotch...."

Monty Burns: "Heave.... ho!"

Waylon Smithers: "OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN, IT'S STUCK IN MY EYE!!!"

Monty Burns: "Oh quit complaining. You still have one good eye. And besides, the employee health insurance plan should cover it."

Waylon Smithers: "You discontinued the employee health insurance program last year, so you could buy that collection of gold-encrusted Fabergé eggs, which you then hurled at those Jehovah's Witnesses."

Monty Burns: "They were asking for it. Just like those hooligans that tried to sell me those cookies."

Waylon Smithers: "The girl scouts?"

Monty Burns: "Yes, those were the ones. I could tell they were after my money. Who knows what they would have done, if I hadn't released the dogs, and the bees, and the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you, and the robotic Richard Simmons."

Waylon Smithers: "Sir, my eye is bleeding rather profusely.... permission to call an ambulance?"

Monty Burns: "On company time, using a company telephone? You've got to be mad, Smithers. You know I'd never approve such a thing. Besides, your legs are just fine. You can walk."

Waylon Smithers: "Sir, the 9-1-1 emergency call is free...."

Monty Burns: "Meh. I'd still rather you not. I'm expecting a telemarketing call regarding cheaper international long distance service. In case I ever decide I want to call in that favor Fidel Castro owes me, I don't want to be overcharged. Those phone companies have sticky fingers."

Waylon Smithers: "I'm feeling light-headed.... I think I'm going to pass out....." *THUD*

Monty Burns: "Oh, don't be such a drama queen. Very well, it looks like I'm going to be driving myself home tonight, in the automatic vehicular mobile.


Later, inside Burns' luxury car


Monty Burns: "It's been a while since I've used one of these contraptions. Hmmm.... I'd better go over the checklist again, to refresh my memory. Let's see..... First, locate the pilot's torsal restraining belt, and insert into the latching copulatrium. Now, adjust the primary and secondary angular reflecting visual aids for enhanced seeability. Insert the ridged metal unlocking stick into the ignitrium, and execute a three-fifth clockwise turn."



*engine roars to life*

Monty Burns: "Excellent. Now, if I could just tell which of these foot levers is the velocitator and which is the deceleratrix...."

A cloaked figure walks up to Monty Burns, who is still trying to work his vehicle

Monty Burns: "Oh, it's you. I seem to be having trouble locating the automatic pilot. Could you put an end to my troubles?"

The cloaked figure points a gun at Burns.

Unknown: "I thought you'd never ask."

Later, at Springfield Hospital





Doctor Julius Hibbert: "He's dead. He's been shot three times, strangled four times, and stabbed nine times in the back."

Waylon Smithers: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Mister Burns.... I loved him so much. He was too young to die! Why couldn't it have been me??? WHY??? WHY????"

Monty Burns: "Because you were lying unconscious in a pool of your own laziness, you dunder-headed lackwit, leaving me to fend for myself. I'm going to have to punish you for this gross incompetence by giving you a five percent pay cut."

Waylon Smithers: "Mister Burns! You're alive!!!"

Doctor Julius Hibbert: "No, I'm afraid he's still deceased. In fact, he's been clinically dead for the past twenty-seven years."

Monty Burns: "I've retained most of my higher functions through a heady mix of organ transplants from Vietnamese orphans, injecting my body with every known kind of pharmaceutical, treating myself to regular brain massages, and keeping Dick Cheney's personal physician on speed dial. I actually have 3 of Cheney's artificial hearts beating in my chest, which I got at an extremely discounted rate due to the fact that all of them are defective, and lubricated with the blood of baby seals."

Waylon Smithers: "Sir, it's been an honor serving you. I hope that my years of dedicated service have allowed me to find myself in your will."

Monty Burns: "Of course not. I'm having all of my money incinerated and the ashes will be buried with me, safely encased inside several thousand of the unbroken gold-encrusted Fabergé eggs. And by the way, Smithers, you're fired!"

Waylon Smithers: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Askthepizzaguy- Charles Montgomery Burns

Chief Clancy Wiggum: "Well, it seems that we have a mystery on our hands. Who shot Mister Burns.... again?"

Comic Book Guy: "The culprit better not be the baby. They already did that on the show, and it was lame beyond all description. If it is, I officially designate this the worst.... mafia.... EVER!!!!"

Askthepizzaguy: "No, I am not doing that. The baby isn't even in this game."

Comic Book Guy: "Thank you for completely shattering the fourth wall and ruining my willing suspension of disbelief. I also appreciate the way you're writing my character, because I just love sounding like I'm dripping with sarcasm at all times. Really original take on it, too. Well done, 'Pizza guy'. Now watch as I applaud you very slowly with an expression of disdain on my face."

Monty Burns: "Fine, I'll do it in character; Find out who killed me, or I'll jack up your utility costs by five percent!"

Waylon Smithers: "Not to mention there's at least one murderer on the loose, who could kill again."

Comic Book Guy: "Worst expository dialogue.... ever!"






BEGIN DAY ONE.












Alive: 17/18


Captain Blackadder
classical_hero
Csargo
Death is yonder
Diamondeye
God Emperor
Johnhughthom
Khazaar
Nightbringer
pevergreen
Renata
Robbiecon
Romanic
Slashandburn
TheFluffyOne
Yaropolk
Zack



Dead: 1/18

Askthepizzaguy- Charles Montgomery Burns (Innocent)





Round ends at 0200 Wednesday February 9th, Eastern time USA, roughly 48 hours from the time of this post.