The Official Tanuki Tournament Thread

[phonicsmonkey]

I think I've set it up properly, but let me know if you see any errors.

All I need to know is how many broken corpses I have to clamber over until I can get my bony simian hands around teh rotter's neck...

[TinCow]

Monk is now Nun! TinCow triumphs yet again, with a 2-0 victory despite Nun's attempts to be tricky by sneaking in non-ninja assassins to kill my noble generals. He did not even have the courage to die like a man!

Replays

It is now official, every single Moderator and Content Manager has lost. The only undefeated players remaining are Tech Admins. ALL GLORY TO THE TECH ADMINS!

[Monk]

Yeah you got me, but I take solace in the knowledge that the generals who led your forces DIED HORRIBLE TERRIBLE DEATHS.

Ahem.

[phonicsmonkey]

ALL GLORY TO THE TECH ADMINS!

Legend has it that when the tech admins meet each other in the next match their great dishonour will bring so much shame upon the world that the heavens themselves will rebel and slay both of them.

[GeneralHankerchief]

In a bout of trickery, the monkey has triumphed 2-0 over me, first sabotaging my guns in a naval battle so they wouldn't fire and secondly overcoming my ninja ambush in a standard classic battle. Well played, monkey, well played indeed.

Replays

ANDRES!!! You and I are the first two eliminated from this tournament. If you are man enough, I hereby challenge you to a last-place match here and now or whenever is a convenient time for both of us!!! Let the winner regain some of his shattered honor, and let the loser forever be known as the single worst player of Total War: Shogun 2 on the entire staff. That is, if you're not a big fat chicken.

[Gregoshi]

The guards outside Gregoshi's headquarters scrunched their noses as the smell of urine wafted out the doorway. "Again?!", they thought, "His Lordship must have gotten news of an impending battle." Everytime Lord Gregoshi received news of the enemy approaching within 100 miles, he and his "retainers" (they retained very little) would wet themselves...which was actually preferable to their response when in battle. The guards hated being posted to the headquarters because of this. "Latrine duty" is what they called it in the barracks. In fact, they also took to referring to the latrine as the "head", which was short for "headquarters". This is the little known origin of the military term. "Changing of the guards" as also originates from Gregoshi, referring to the guards helping to change Gregoshi's soiled armour.

Battle was indeed impending. June 20th at 18:00 GMT Lord Sissykhaan and Lord Greg-GoGo-goshi will meet on the battlefield. It will be a messy affair and Gregoshi fully expects to commit seppoopoo. Stand upwind and plug your noses so you only have to see how badly we stink at this...and when I say "we", I mean "I".

<sigh> I never get to digest anything on the campaign trail...

[phonicsmonkey]

The guards outside Gregoshi's headquarters scrunched their noses as the smell of urine wafted out the doorway. "Again?!", they thought, "His Lordship must have gotten news of an impending battle." Everytime Lord Gregoshi received news of the enemy approaching within 100 miles, he and his "retainers" (they retained very little) would wet themselves...which was actually preferable to their response when in battle. The guards hated being posted to the headquarters because of this. "Latrine duty" is what they called it in the barracks. In fact, they also took to referring to the latrine as the "head", which was short for "headquarters". This is the little known origin of the military term. "Changing of the guards" as also originates from Gregoshi, referring to the guards helping to change Gregoshi's soiled armour.

Battle was indeed impending. June 20th at 18:00 GMT Lord Sissykhaan and Lord Greg-GoGo-goshi will meet on the battlefield. It will be a messy affair and Gregoshi fully expects to commit seppoopoo. Stand upwind and plug your noses so you only have to see how badly we stink at this...and when I say "we", I mean "I".

Aha, the old 'reverse smack talk' trick

[Gregoshi]

Aha, the old 'reverse smack talk' trick

No tricks. I'm not that clever and when I try to be, I lack the skills to pull them off. I've got pathetic track record in STW/MTW and my first round match with TC to back up the above urinalysis of my prospects.

[phonicsmonkey]

No tricks. I'm not that clever and when I try to be, I lack the skills to pull them off. I've got pathetic track record in STW/MTW and my first round match with TC to back up the above urinalysis of my prospects.

You are truly the master at this.

[GeneralHankerchief]

No tricks. I'm not that clever and when I try to be, I lack the skills to pull them off. I've got pathetic track record in STW/MTW and my first round match with TC to back up the above urinalysis of my prospects.

My challenge stands for whichever one of you two loses. We'll see if you can back up your reverse smack-talk against a true champion of suckitude.

[Gregoshi]

'khaan and I met on the field of battle and he emerged victorious 3-0. Battles included a classic rout, an all-rocket rout and a ninja/night/fog rout. We had to re-do the ninja rout because he didn't know how to increase the rank of his units so my army of rank 5+ ninjas trounced his rank 1 ninjas. After explaining how to increase the unit rank, we re-fought the battle and achieved the expected result. My surviving ninjas are trying out for the track team tomorrow.

Congratulations 'khaan and good luck in your re-match(!!!) with Monk.

[phonicsmonkey]

Hmmm, looks like some form on the other side of the losers' draw. I'll have to keep a close eye on the 'khaan vs Monk match.

But first I have to defeat the Flying Finn.

He had to go to Ikea yesterday so we couldn't fight but maybe tonight will work better unless he is up to his neck in wooden dowels and multitudinous screws of different sizes....

[frogbeastegg]

You can have my head as apology for this great insolence, if someone can find it from the field. Its bloody dark there still. Maybe terotero can give it to you next morning?

:froggy is informed her servants have finished sewing Kagemusha's body back together: Ah ha! Now we should be able to tell which of the millions of tiny giblets make up the head!

:froggy goes to view the completed work.:



I don't think he looked like that. I mean, I hate to nitpick but I'm pretty sure he did not have a leg made up out of a splintered spear shaft, and really there shouldn't be fingers in the place of ears.

Ok, time for a new approach. Blend the entire corpse down into gravy and then pour it into a human-shaped mould. Then we cut the head off that when the mixture has firmed.

If that doesn't work, bury the whole lot. And make sure a nice marker is put over the site so we don't get a restless ghost!

[phonicsmonkey]

Beaten 2-1 by Kage...I can barely contain my despair.

Replays

Monkey out.

[Kagemusha]

Thank you froggy Sama!Apparently the stiching and re moulding helped. The monkey forces of phonics were won in tight fought series, which ended to Kage 2-1 EDIT: The honourable Phonics beat me to it. Great games. I think it was the worse player though who won the series.I took a terrible beating in that field battle.

[TinCow]

I think it was the worse player though who won the series.I took a terrible beating in that field battle.

That looks oddly like a polite compliment to the simian. There is no place for that kind of conduct in this tournament. I would say I was disappointed in your behavior Kage, but it honestly doesn't surprise me. You're lucky you haven't been banned yet. Fortunately, nice guys finish last. Or, in your case, either third or fourth.

[Kagemusha]

That looks oddly like a polite compliment to the simian. There is no place for that kind of conduct in this tournament. I would say I was disappointed in your behavior Kage, but it honestly doesn't surprise me. You're lucky you haven't been banned yet. Fortunately, nice guys finish last. Or, in your case, either third or fourth.

Maybe something went wrong when they put me back together from pieces? That sure does not sound like something that would come out from my mouth.

[Gregoshi]

If they start singing "Kumbaya", I'm outta here...er, physically and tournamentally I'm already out, but you know what I mean.

...

[phonicsmonkey]

So, I return from my monkey sulk to discover that my victorious enemy, not content with merely humiliating me on the field of battle, has decided to compound the insult further by complimenting me?

Aargh!

[frogbeastegg]

Apparently the stiching and re moulding helped.

:foggy sets up a kiosk and places a sign nearby. "froggy's patented re-moulding, statistically proven* to improve your battlefield abilities! For a small** charge you too can stride across the fields like Lu Bu! Inquire now!
*100% of clients report success!
**Negotiable, finance agreements available when acceptable collateral is provided. Acceptable collateral includes items such as houses, first born children, and the client's own limbs.

[Nigel]

Froggy's patented re-moulding, statistically proven

hmmm, maybe that is a service I could use.
So far I have merely relied on my field surgeon to stitch me back together after my multiple defeats on the different TW battlefields (all time-periods included).

Now, where are my glasses to read the small print....

[phonicsmonkey]

huh, just as I thought.

There's no party once the monkey leaves...

[Gregoshi]

There's no party once the monkey leaves...

Apparently so. Personally, I think the others see Kage has advanced to round 4 and they are all scared into inaction - they want to advance but not if it is to eventually face the pink and re-formed Kage.

[TinCow]

the other rother and I are waiting on the losers to catch up before we play. Once the losers have determined who is the least pathetic amongst them, the Tech Admins will determine which of us will have the glory of thrashing them in the loser semi-finals prior to the Tech Admin final re-match.

[Kagemusha]

As far as i understand it is double elimination and we still need one looser from the original players?Or is there some code prohibiting the tech borgs from fighting each other? :P

[TinCow]

As far as i understand it is double elimination and we still need one looser from the original players?Or is there some code prohibiting the tech borgs from fighting each other? :P

We can fight each other, but Monk and khaan need to get moving on the loser bracket as well. They need to fight, and then the winner fights you, and then the winner of that fight will have the honor of losing to one of the Tech Admins.

[Andres]

ANDRES!!! You and I are the first two eliminated from this tournament. If you are man enough, I hereby challenge you to a last-place match here and now or whenever is a convenient time for both of us!!! Let the winner regain some of his shattered honor, and let the loser forever be known as the single worst player of Total War: Shogun 2 on the entire staff. That is, if you're not a big fat chicken.

Ok, I finally found a way to put the broken pieces of my body back together in something that resembles a human body.

No, that foot belongs on my neck. I'm not clusmy, I intended it to be that way. Allthough having my head under my left leg seems a bit inconvenient...

I'm ready to win the last place of this tournament and to become the uncrowned champion of the .Org staff and the rest of the universe, excluding McDonald's; the rest of the .Org staff can form the MacDonald's government, for my amusement; I hereby already appoint TinCow and GeneralHankerchief as Secretaries of Big Mac affairs

[GeneralHankerchief]

Ha! Ha! Hahahahahahahaha! You have already lost! For while you were putting the broken pieces of your body back together and having numerous and intense fantasies regarding .Org Staff and fast food, I was busy not practicing at all, thus keeping my reputation up! You will lose for sure!

[Gregoshi]

You will lose for sure!

I'm confused. By "lose" do you mean "win" which means you lose...but then you win...

[GeneralHankerchief]

All part of the plan.