Pizzaguy's log: On the job horror stories

[Askthepizzaguy]

Inspired by this post, apparently Major Robert Dump and I have both experienced the utter stupidity and insanity that comes with dealing with your everyday average person while delivering pizza.

While I am sure the pizza drivers among us will have some of the most interesting stories, persons of other professions are more than welcome to share their tales of interest.

I would love to share all my horror stories, but it will take a while to type them out, so here's some of my favorite snippets of asinine things customers do to pizza guys. There's going to have to be a separate section devoted to tip-based atrocities, because that one deserves its own section. So let's focus just on the non-tip aspects of human stupidity.

1) Ordering pizza and then leaving the house to go to the store, then wondering why I am not willing to wait more than 5 minutes for them to get their foolish butt back to their own house.

2) Not understanding the first thing about credit card slips, even after I repeat and rephrase the instructions for them. You sign the bottom, and fill in the tip and the total on the top, and it even tells you how much the food costs. So I say "Please fill out the top and then sign it on the bottom." When that doesn't work, I tell them "The top part has two lines under the price of the food. The first line is for the tip, the second line is for the total. You then sign it at the bottom." Simple enough, but that doesn't get through, so I have to literally point at the lines and go "This where tip go. This where total go. You add tip to price of food, that how you get total." And believe it or not, even after pointing at the line, in the light, talking slowly (and more politely than I just spoke), they still do not get it. This happens literally every single night.

3) No numbers on your house, mailbox, or even the curb or driveway, no lights on at the house, NO DOORBELL, and a locked gate-type metal security door to prevent me from even knocking on the front door that is behind it. So, how am I supposed to find your house, and inform you that I am there? That's brilliant. You want me to waste minutes on my cell phone which I know you won't compensate me for with a tip? I'd rather drive back to the store with your dinner still in hand.

4) You order pizza, I arrive 20-30 minutes later, there's a big window next to the door, my car is visible outside, with the car topper lit, you have a peephole on your door, and it never fails. "WHO IS IT?" It's Santa Claus, genius. Open the freaking door.

5) Big violent dogs with no leashes in your yard, preventing me from ringing your doorbell or knocking on your door. Put the dog on a leash.... or in your bathroom and close the door. I'm tired of waiting 15 minutes while you struggle with your own pet for the ability to open your own front door. It's not like you're not EXPECTING someone to come to the door, you ordered pizza! Think ahead! Would be nice if you didn't wait until the last minute to root through your sofa cushions for the exact change, too! NO I WILL NOT HELP YOU PAY FOR YOUR OWN DINNER!!! I WORK FOR MONEY, NOT TO PAY FOR YOUR FOOD! Seriously! Do you go to the gas station and ask the clerk to pay for your gas? With HIS own money? You gotta be on drugs.

6) Clothing. I know being nearly naked is fun for you, but trust me, it's not fun for me to have to look at you. Wear pants that fit, pull them up off of your knees, I don't need to see every inch of your boxers. Guys, you all have ugly chests that don't appeal to me, but when you're 60+, overweight, covered in hair, splotches, and discoloration, and you never shower, wear some freaking clothing. Oh, and take a shower once in a while. Why is it always the men who insist on being so exhibitionist toward me? 100 nearly naked fat grandpas for every petite woman in a towel. It's not worth it.

7) Don't touch me. Don't. I'm not your buddy. I will leave and never deliver to you again if you place your hands on me. I don't work for handshakes, backslaps, or hugs. I'm not desperate for physical attention, especially not from you. How would you feel if I reached out and honked your wife's chest? Yeah, not really fun for you? Well, don't touch me. Same boundaries.

8) Hoarders. I have delivered to hoarders houses, and the dude that lets garbage pile up, and has every pizza box from every delivery I've ever done sitting in plain view of the front door. He doesn't smell, really. I swear. Old lady with 20 cats that pee and poop everywhere, and still thinks a nickel is an acceptable tip? I'm glad old people die off.

That's just for starters. I can get into the actual dangers of the job, like how my car got stolen, later vandalized, and how just the other day someone broke into my car to steal the plug that lights up the car topper. It's worth five dollars. There was more money than that in change in the ashtray, you dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb...... and who is going to buy it from you, genius? Who? Are you going to use it on your car so you can pretend to be me? What a maroon.

Or being robbed at knife or gunpoint, that's fun. We lost some drivers last year because they quit after being robbed. I wonder why.... I guess working for 4 dollars an hour isn't worth getting shot over. Thanks for tipping, by the way. Those 12 cents will go a long way toward that gumball I've always wanted. But tipping, that's another story for another time.

And I've got actual stories too, which are funny/scary/amusing/infuriating. We'll get to those.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

What is "tip"?

[Ronin]

good read....keep it coming.

[Askthepizzaguy]

What is "tip"?

Depends on the context. Let me tell you about a tip that I didn't want.... at all..... ever.


Horror Story #1: The tip that I refused


So it was about 4 years back. I was delivering on the other side of the state, at a different store. It's late at night, pitch black out, and I get an order wayyy out in the boonies. It's a long drive, and it's the only order I have going in that direction. I need the money because it's been a slow night. When I get there, I pull up on the street next to the driveway (You don't park in their driveway; that's a great way to get blocked in so you can't escape if they try to rob you) and I grab the food and walk up to the front door.

There's a note on the front door that says to use the side door. I turn to my right, and I see that there are indeed two doors that could be considered the "front" door, because there's a wing of the house that juts out and points toward the street. There's a door on what appears to be the living room, facing toward me. There's also a big picture window with no curtains, and I can see inside the house just fine. The window is massive, as is the television that sits inside the living room. Without even blinking, I can see that there is hardcore pornography playing on the TV, from where I am standing 30 feet away. The TV is the single largest TV I have ever seen... it literally takes up the entire wall of this person's living room, without exaggeration. You could see the pornography on this TV from space. I will decline to mention what kind of pornography is playing, and how graphic it is.

I get to the side door, and I ring the bell. I can already see this is going to be bad, as this person isn't just caught unprepared, no, this is all intentionally laid out for me to see. This person is a total pervert. On this person's computer, which is right next to the door, I don't even have to glance at the computer monitor to see that there is graphic and disturbing adult material playing on the computer as well..... and there are piles.... and piles.... of writeable dvds marked "porn", with very descriptive words in front of that.

Then we get to the state of the living room itself, which is completely, and utterly, strewn with X-rated paraphernalia of all kinds. And I do mean all kinds. I care not repeat all the various objects, lotions, and so forth that I saw. It was everywhere. There were tables with all the junk on it. It seemed like the only thing this person did with their time was obsess over X-rated things.

And then of course, Mister Happy comes to the door. I am thankful that this one was at least covering some parts of his body with some type of clothing, especially given the state he's currently in. He's winking at me, in that way. But he wasn't covered in much clothing, that's for sure. It left nothing to the imagination, but at least I wasn't looking directly at him. He was a big fella, and I don't mean his waistline.

So he's a portly 50-60 year old man, and certainly very enthusiastic about meeting me. He says he's got the money for the pizza and the tip, but he left it in his bedroom. He then invites me to come inside so I can collect it.

I politely decline. I am not stepping one foot into Captain McFeely's house, thank you very much, but no. So he goes to get the money. I wait outside, ready to bolt if anyone approaches me from anywhere.

I really believe I should have just left, but I am worried that I will have to explain to my boss why I don't have the money for the food. I'm also kind of stunned I'm experiencing all this, and I am not thinking clearly at all. I'm just nervous and nauseous, and disoriented.

The guy is gone for literally 10 minutes, while this loud, obnoxious pornography is blaring in my ears and face. I am getting an odd combination of completely bored and entirely disgusted and very paranoid all at once. I've never felt like that before or since. I don't think they have a name for that particular emotional state.

I am now very certain that this entire setup is a perverse attempt at seduction. And since I've now endured most of it, I am kind of angry as well. I want the money, because putting up with all this and not getting paid for the food I've delivered is just going to make me snap. Finally the guy comes out of his bedroom after doing god knows what, and hands me enough cash to pay for the meal.

I take the cash, and I leave very quickly. I wash my hands as soon as I get to the store. I explain to my boss that I won't be delivering there again, and why. My boss actually agrees.

Good, one freak down, 999 to go.....


Like I said, at least that one was wearing very thin boxer shorts. I have no dramatic tales about the nudist guys, except that I will refuse to give them the food if they don't come to the door clothed. Not that that stops them from walking past the full-length window next to the front door naked every single time I went there, on purpose. Thanks so much for the imagery.

No nudist women, of course. Not once. Just guys, because guys are pigs, in every sense of the word. They physically resemble pigs. I've seen enough, it's like the Discovery channel. It's like wild animals. After a while, it's not even the nudity that bothers you, its the things they try to do while nude.

[Zim]

Trust me, that's a blessing. The women are usually worse...

I think I may have taken in the man mentioned for a mental health hold. Did he happen to have an albino ferret crawling all over him?

No nudist women, of course. Not once. Just guys, because guys are pigs, in every sense of the word. They physically resemble pigs. I've seen enough, it's like the Discovery channel. It's like wild animals. After a while, it's not even the nudity that bothers you, its the things they try to do while nude.

[Beskar]

What is "tip"?

In America, they work on the concept where employers pay you below minimum wage and expect you to make up the difference from people paying extra for their meal from the goodness of their hearts.

It is completely alien to us, especially when the likes of Dominos are charging $16 for a Pizza (When you can buy a raw version from Walmart for $5). So the only real concept of Brits tipping is when the total is like "$24.30" and we just give them $25 and tell them to keep the change.

However, those Dominos pizza boys are earning $9.47 per hour which is probably more than what Pizza earns and are supplied with a car/bike and petrol too.

[Askthepizzaguy]

In America, they work on the concept where employers pay you below minimum wage and expect you to make up the difference from people paying extra for their meal from the goodness of their hearts.

Yeah I went over the pay structure in some detail in one of CR's threads... sorta hijacking it a bit, too (apologies).

It's 4 dollars an hour while we're on the road, which is 80% of the time, and minimum wage the rest of the time. $7 something.

We get paid $1 per delivery out of the $2.50 they charge the customer for delivery. That goes to gasoline, as gasoline costs nearly $4 a gallon where I live. 40 deliveries, 40 dollars, filling up a tank is more than 40 dollars. I don't see a cent of that money, it all goes to oil companies.

Then, the Internal Revenue Service expects me to claim, and pay taxes on, 3 dollars per hour in tips while I am on the road, whether I earn said tips or not. Many a night have I earned less in tips than what I'm supposed to claim. I need about a dollar per delivery in tips just to reach or exceed minimum wage. If I get several customers in a row who do not tip, it's rather easy to make 4 dollars in an hour, just what I'm paid in wages, nothing more. Then I have expenses related to driving which aren't covered, which include much higher insurance costs, wear and tear on the vehicle being at least 4-10 times more than the average commuter, since they spend most of their working hours outside of their vehicle, tires of course (bottles in parking lots can cost you 80 bucks a 'pop'), oil changes, and then of course we do get robbed. Like I mentioned, 600 dollars in January due to the car being stolen and then recovery costs associated with that. Insurance didn't cover squat due to the deductible.

We also get fabulous benefits like paying 8.52 for a pizza that costs a customer 10 dollars. No, not free meals. Wooooo, what a discount. Also, no dental, medical, 401k, or whatever else companies offer.

It's grand. And since the $2.50 delivery charge is included for every order I take, folks believe that's the tip, and I'm not allowed to correct them on that point unless they mention it first, else I lose my job. You don't mention the tip at the door, no matter how politely.


This is more "sad story" than horror story, and less entertaining, so let's save it for the "tipping" portion of the journey into Pizzaland.

[Fragony]

Turkiish gangsters and identity fraud. I'm not easily intimidated but SIR YES SIR on this one.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Turkiish gangsters and identity fraud. I'm not easily intimidated but SIR YES SIR on this one.

Please elaborate! What is your job, when does this come up?

[Rhyfelwyr]

I'm glad I'm a Eurocommie so I can earn the £5.93 an hour minimum wage.

Speaking of tips, I've got one in all my time at work. Was £1 IIRC.

But maybe we are being 'Americanised' because I know people who work in fancier places who do regularly get tips.

[Beskar]

I'm glad I'm a Eurocommie so I can earn the £5.93 an hour minimum wage.

Speaking of tips, I've got one in all my time at work. Was £1 IIRC.

But maybe we are being 'Americanised' because I know people who work in fancier places who do regularly get tips.

It is because Middle Class people go to Bella Italia (and its kind) and they have money to actually tip. Plus, you get some looks if you don't tip in there.

[Xiahou]

In America, they work on the concept where employers pay you below minimum wage and expect you to make up the difference from people paying extra for their meal from the goodness of their hearts.

It is completely alien to us, especially when the likes of Dominos are charging $16 for a Pizza (When you can buy a raw version from Walmart for $5). So the only real concept of Brits tipping is when the total is like "$24.30" and we just give them $25 and tell them to keep the change.

However, those Dominos pizza boys are earning $9.47 per hour which is probably more than what Pizza earns and are supplied with a car/bike and petrol too.

I have to admit, as an America, I don't understand the idea of the obligatory tip. I don't mind giving a good tip for good service- but I kind of chap under the notion that I'm required to give a "gratuity". I've always thought that if it's required then it should be added to the bill. If it's really a gratuity, it should hinge on your satisfaction with your service.

As for pizza deliveries.... I don't bother. I think it's actually more hassle to have it delivered than to go get it yourself.

[Ronin]

I have to admit, as an America, I don't understand the idea of the obligatory tip. I don't mind giving a good tip for good service- but I kind of chap under the notion that I'm required to give a "gratuity". I've always thought that if it's required then it should be added to the bill. If it's really a gratuity, it should hinge on your satisfaction with your service.

Mr. Pink...is that you? :P

[Askthepizzaguy]

I have to admit, as an America, I don't understand the idea of the obligatory tip. I don't mind giving a good tip for good service- but I kind of chap under the notion that I'm required to give a "gratuity". I've always thought that if it's required then it should be added to the bill. If it's really a gratuity, it should hinge on your satisfaction with your service.

As a person who earns tips, I agree. Tipping is the single stupidest idea that has ever come about in terms of how a worker gets paid for his work.



If I were paid the same minimum wage as everyone, and I got 2 dollars out of that 2.50 they charge the customer for gas and maintenance, no one would ever have to tip me at all, and my income would be based strictly on how many deliveries I take, which means, the better my service, the more I make.

Right now, my income has nothing to do with my work performance. I do a darned excellent job, and most people stiff me or give me pathetic "change" for a tip at this store (was different at other stores, so I know it's not me...) and sometimes, we screw up people's orders or we're slammed that night and all deliveries are going out late, and then I get a good tip. It's like my income is totally unrelated to my performance, and that's just bad since it is supposed to be an incentive to do better. It's not working out that way.

I've also noticed the following about tipping:

• No correlation whatsoever between performance and income, >50% of the time.

Some customers never tip, regardless of service. Therefore tipping is an incentive to give second-rate service in favor of people who ordinarily would be delivered to second because they're further away, or who were promised their pizza after the first customer. It's hardly an incentive at all, since I can't just drive faster and then get speeding tickets. It's a convoluted system which can actually have negative effects.

• Direct correlation between stupidity and my income, half the time.

Your tip is usually based on how lazy people are. If a delivery costs 23.97 (Right, guys? That special on large pizzas for ten dollars, plus tax and delivery, plus the fact that people usually order two pizzas, means half my orders work out to exactly 23.97, which means....) then my tip is three cents. Three cents, at least half the time. Oh, but if the order was ~24.50 because they ordered an extra sauce, out of sheer laziness, I get fifty cents as a tip. Or, sometimes, the order is 16.50. My odds of getting a $3.50 tip greatly increase simply because they're paying with a 20 dollar bill and that's a nice, even, satisfying number. 90% of my income variation is based on people's fetishes for satisfying numbers. That's why you know this system is truly messed up. It has far more to do with psychology than actual performance. That's why I've developed a severe dislike of dumb people. They are ruled almost entirely by irrational thoughts like that, and therefore, there is no logical reason to treat them like an intelligent life form.

• Tip is determined before I get to the door, most of the time.

When I show up, almost 100% of the time, the amount they were going to spend on their food is already set aside before I get there. They just hand me what they were going to spend, regardless of good service or not. The pizza could have been delayed 15 minutes, it wouldn't affect a thing. The only time it could possibly matter is when they haven't counted it out prior to my reaching the door, which is usually when they fumble through their wallet filled with 50 dollar bills, and pay me with exact change anyway, leading to yet another lack of any correlation between my service and my income. And of course, good tippers tend to tip the same whether it gets there in 15 minutes or the promised 30, and they even tip more generously than anyone else when it is late. So, again.... no correlation between performance and income. None.

• Exceptions still do not really correlate either.

There may be a few customers out there who actually calculate a tip based on how fast the pizza got there and how courteous I was. But you also have to figure, they're still basing how much they want to give based on how much they can afford (another factor out of my control) and their mood that day (if you're not in a good mood, you take it out on me every time). So, again.... very little correlation between performance and income. Mostly it has to do with the personality of my customer, and there's nothing I can do to change that.


All in all, the tipping system is completely stupid.

As for pizza deliveries.... I don't bother. I think it's actually more hassle to have it delivered than to go get it yourself.

I honestly wish certain people would go get it themselves. There's a long list of people who order all the time who really should not.

Off the top of my head:

1) People who never tip, ever, under any circumstances. Obviously they don't feel I am providing a service, therefore, they shouldn't mind going without said service.

2) People who round up to the nearest dollar. Those 12 cents really insult me.

3) People who live across the street (literally) from the Pizza place, and waste my time by having me deliver to them, and of course I don't get a tip because I didn't drive that far. Sure, I didn't, but I also need to earn money, and I didn't get a delivery going to a customer who tips. It removes income from me. And, if it's not a long distance, why not walk?

4) People who tip a dollar or less while it's raining or when there is a blizzard and the roads are either flooded or covered with ice.

5) And then complain when promise times are over 30 minutes. Traffic slows down in lousy weather, AND people order pizza when they can't go get it themselves. So, that means more orders and more time per order.



Basically, everyone understands that a waiter gets paid almost nothing by their employer. They get paid based on the quality and excellence of their service. Polite order taking, suggestive selling, prompt refills, and bringing things you need, and the food on time.

I do all of those things. I take orders, I suggest menu items to be included with the meal. I bring everything you need including plates, napkins, utensils, peppers, cheese, drinks, sauces, etc, and it's my job to get you your food on time, hot, nice-looking, and brought all the way to your house while you're still in pajamas. You get a nice hot meal without leaving your couch, pretty much. A waiter can't even touch that, except for the refills. They don't use their car to get you the food either, and they don't get robbed.

And people are generally aware waiters make 3 dollars an hour and need tips to survive. Most people seem unaware Pizza delivery drivers are the exact same way, plus dangers and expenses that aren't paid for.



I highly advocate switching to a flat 3 dollar delivery fee, no tips. 1 dollar for my gasoline, 2 dollars for me, and no extra dollar that the store keeps like they presently do. I could live on that. It's only 50 cents more than you're presently paying.

But that would make too much sense.


More info on tips:

http://tipthepizzaguy.com/general/why.htm
http://tipthepizzaguy.com/general/not.htm
http://tipthepizzaguy.com/objections/
http://tipthepizzaguy.com/compare/

[Strike For The South]

I alaways tip 5 but I almost never order delivery.

As for horror stories.

I once saw a guy lose a finger while butchering up ribeyes, I still can't belive they let me play around all these saws all day