Inspired by this post, apparently Major Robert Dump and I have both experienced the utter stupidity and insanity that comes with dealing with your everyday average person while delivering pizza.

While I am sure the pizza drivers among us will have some of the most interesting stories, persons of other professions are more than welcome to share their tales of interest.

I would love to share all my horror stories, but it will take a while to type them out, so here's some of my favorite snippets of asinine things customers do to pizza guys. There's going to have to be a separate section devoted to tip-based atrocities, because that one deserves its own section. So let's focus just on the non-tip aspects of human stupidity.





1) Ordering pizza and then leaving the house to go to the store, then wondering why I am not willing to wait more than 5 minutes for them to get their foolish butt back to their own house.

2) Not understanding the first thing about credit card slips, even after I repeat and rephrase the instructions for them. You sign the bottom, and fill in the tip and the total on the top, and it even tells you how much the food costs. So I say "Please fill out the top and then sign it on the bottom." When that doesn't work, I tell them "The top part has two lines under the price of the food. The first line is for the tip, the second line is for the total. You then sign it at the bottom." Simple enough, but that doesn't get through, so I have to literally point at the lines and go "This where tip go. This where total go. You add tip to price of food, that how you get total." And believe it or not, even after pointing at the line, in the light, talking slowly (and more politely than I just spoke), they still do not get it. This happens literally every single night.

3) No numbers on your house, mailbox, or even the curb or driveway, no lights on at the house, NO DOORBELL, and a locked gate-type metal security door to prevent me from even knocking on the front door that is behind it. So, how am I supposed to find your house, and inform you that I am there? That's brilliant. You want me to waste minutes on my cell phone which I know you won't compensate me for with a tip? I'd rather drive back to the store with your dinner still in hand.

4) You order pizza, I arrive 20-30 minutes later, there's a big window next to the door, my car is visible outside, with the car topper lit, you have a peephole on your door, and it never fails. "WHO IS IT?" It's Santa Claus, genius. Open the freaking door.

5) Big violent dogs with no leashes in your yard, preventing me from ringing your doorbell or knocking on your door. Put the dog on a leash.... or in your bathroom and close the door. I'm tired of waiting 15 minutes while you struggle with your own pet for the ability to open your own front door. It's not like you're not EXPECTING someone to come to the door, you ordered pizza! Think ahead! Would be nice if you didn't wait until the last minute to root through your sofa cushions for the exact change, too! NO I WILL NOT HELP YOU PAY FOR YOUR OWN DINNER!!! I WORK FOR MONEY, NOT TO PAY FOR YOUR FOOD! Seriously! Do you go to the gas station and ask the clerk to pay for your gas? With HIS own money? You gotta be on drugs.

6) Clothing. I know being nearly naked is fun for you, but trust me, it's not fun for me to have to look at you. Wear pants that fit, pull them up off of your knees, I don't need to see every inch of your boxers. Guys, you all have ugly chests that don't appeal to me, but when you're 60+, overweight, covered in hair, splotches, and discoloration, and you never shower, wear some freaking clothing. Oh, and take a shower once in a while. Why is it always the men who insist on being so exhibitionist toward me? 100 nearly naked fat grandpas for every petite woman in a towel. It's not worth it.

7) Don't touch me. Don't. I'm not your buddy. I will leave and never deliver to you again if you place your hands on me. I don't work for handshakes, backslaps, or hugs. I'm not desperate for physical attention, especially not from you. How would you feel if I reached out and honked your wife's chest? Yeah, not really fun for you? Well, don't touch me. Same boundaries.

8) Hoarders. I have delivered to hoarders houses, and the dude that lets garbage pile up, and has every pizza box from every delivery I've ever done sitting in plain view of the front door. He doesn't smell, really. I swear. Old lady with 20 cats that pee and poop everywhere, and still thinks a nickel is an acceptable tip? I'm glad old people die off.



That's just for starters. I can get into the actual dangers of the job, like how my car got stolen, later vandalized, and how just the other day someone broke into my car to steal the plug that lights up the car topper. It's worth five dollars. There was more money than that in change in the ashtray, you dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb...... and who is going to buy it from you, genius? Who? Are you going to use it on your car so you can pretend to be me? What a maroon.

Or being robbed at knife or gunpoint, that's fun. We lost some drivers last year because they quit after being robbed. I wonder why.... I guess working for 4 dollars an hour isn't worth getting shot over. Thanks for tipping, by the way. Those 12 cents will go a long way toward that gumball I've always wanted. But tipping, that's another story for another time.

And I've got actual stories too, which are funny/scary/amusing/infuriating. We'll get to those.