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So, I've just broken up
As an ante-scriptum, I'm not sure this is the good place to post this, so feel free to move this somewhere else if needed.
Wall of text version:
Some of you might remember (though I doubt it), one or two years ago, I opened a couple thread about my relationship with a girl I met in Canada, back when I was studying there, in october 2008.
At the time, I was worried that we were going nowhere because of the distance (I live in southern France) and that she wasn't good enough for me (as in knowledge and education).
Despite my worries, we kept seeing eachother somewhat regularly, at least every four months. . I did everything I could to make her get out of her rather crappy family and ethnic background, to make her discover France, and to make her happy. And to say the least, it was a blast everytime.
Without bragging about my qualities, the girl was desperately in love with me. To the point that she counted down days until we'd see again, or even collected my hair everytime I'd leave Canada. She only wanted one thing, to leave her country and to come live here, with me. To what I never answere positively, because my job means I never stay in the same place for more than a few months, but also because I was afraid. Afraid to be engaged, afraid that someone would rely on me 24/7, and afraid that someone loved me so much.
Knowing her love for me was almost limitless, I came to abuse this fact. I'd sometimes be rude, or pretend that I didn't care about what she thought, or ignore her because I was somewhat annoyed for a minor offense. Despite that, she kept loving me, she kept being there for me at all time. Mind you, I wasn't a complete dirtbag, yelling "beer, quick!" to his submissive girlfriend, but I know I sucked sometimes.
Last december, I visited her for one month. The plan was that I'd find a job in Canada, and live there with her, since I do speak english (while she doesn't speak french). Alas, despite going to a few interview, I was told the only way I'd get a job is to start as a freelance and unpaid journalist. Which was a big no-no. But "I want to be with you. I'm gonna go teach english in Prague, that way I'll move to Europe, I swear. And if it doesn't work, we'll break up", she said.
"Cool", I thought. Except that she was relying on getting a scolarship from her reserve, and found out in march that she wasn't going to have it, and thus, couldn't afford the trip. Fearing that I would dump her, she let a guy flirt with her and kiss her at some party, and told me the day after. That gave me the courage to break up with her. Crying and lamenting, she begged me to keep talking to her, as I was her best friend, her best companion, her best everything. I knew it was a bad idea, but I decided to do it, to not let her alone when she needed someone. Except that I quickly found out that she intended to keep seeing and dating that guy, because she couldn't stand being alone. This time, I was the one devastated, crying and lamenting. After she had told me I was the only person she wanted to be with, I felt betrayed in every possible way. I hated her guts, became paranoid, insulting, and overall, downright crazy, which only made her even more sad and miserable.
I went through a rough month, but took it onto me to ask her to visit me, after all this, so we could try to fix things up and at least stay friends. I was still paranoid, but did my best to refrain it. She accepted, even though she was pennyless (I paid for her trip), and even said she'd try to find a job to stay here with me. She dumped the other guy and arrived in late may. Once again, it was a blast. Even though it quickly appeared she couldn't stay here, she improved her french quite a lot, and really worked on it, and it was overall among the best 7 weeks in my entire life.
When time came to leave, I expected her to stick to what we've decided, breaking up for good, but without hatred or bitterness. Alas, neither her nor I had the balls to do it. She begged me to give her a few more months, so she could save up some money, get a work permit and come back for good. I obviously agreed, and she left, crying, but with a smile on her face.
But as soon as she arrived, I realized we were hopeless. Not because I didn't trust her capacity to do what she had planed, but because I became paranoid and crazy as soon as she left. Any mention of another man, friend, coworker, or even complete stranger, was enough to create a sudden burst of jealousy. Everytime she said she was going to play poker (she met the other dude at poker), I'd become completely cynical and insulting, and would rub what she has done in her face, even though she apologized a hundred times. I knew I was being horrible, and felt like trash for it, but it was there, in my mind, and I couldn't prevent it.
She did bear with it for two weeks, until it was too much. So she asked me to chose between her and my chaotic feelings. A lose-lose choice, cause I knew I couldn't stop what was going on in my head. But I said I'd do my best, for her.
Obviously, what was bound to happen happened. I kept being crazy, and she decided she couldn't take it anymore. I'm even surprised she lasted this whole time. She asked for an apology that I refused to give. I don't know why I didn't apologize, but I know at the time I felt like my wrath was rightful and well deserved. So we broke up. On facebook, to make things even more ridiculous and saddening.
So not only I pushed away someone who worshiped me and would have done anything for me, but I also made sure that her love turned into pure hatred and rage. Because she now hates me. She sent a whole lot of nasty things my way, and made me understand that she doesn't want to see me again. Ever. Which is completely unbelievable in my mind. I planned the past two years around her existence, always tried to get some time to chat or talk to her. Even when I was getting wasted with friends, I'd hit up MSN before falling on the ground, just "to see if Rachel is there". Thinking that I've lost her for good, as a lover and as a friend, simply blows my mind at the moment.
Short version: Love sucks
Given that all my friends liked her a lot, I don't want to talk about it with them. And since I nowadays mostly hang out in 4chan-like forum, I'd rather post my story there, to avoid an array of "lulz stupid, can I haz her numb3r?" kind of answers.
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Originally Posted by Centurion1
The heart will heal, and new opportunities will arise-- Lick your wounds, but try to be thankful for the time you had together; In the end it doesn't really matter who was at fault, maybe you weren't right for each other-- or maybe it was just circumstance? Whatever it was, it's done now. Life will go on, and you'll be a better man for it.
My words exactly.
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