Yes, our elected leaders are "feeling the heat, " but is this really fair? Should the public tar all of the apples in the political barrel with the same broad brush just because a few rotten eggs are crying over spilt milk? Of course not. The truth is that there are a great many politicians who are honest, trustworthy, intelligent, hard-working, decent and competent. Unfortunately, they are all located on the planet Zoombah. The ones here on Earth are dumpsterheads.
Consider, for example, their recent concerted effort to reduce the pesky federal budget deficit, which, shockingly, continues to mount despite the fact that both major political parties have issued sternly worded position papers against it. Day after day, week after week, the top brains of Congress and the Bush administration sat in a conference room, eating prune Danish supplied by the Prune Danish Division of the Bureau of Pastries of the U.S. Department of Refreshments at a cost of $2,350 per slice.
"What should we do about this pesky budget deficit?" the leaders asked, crumbs of concern dribbling from their mouths. "How can we reduce it? If only we had an idea! If only we could think
of . . . "
"SPEND LESS MONEY, YOU CRETINS!!" shouted a group of cockroaches, who had been listening from the floor and managed to figure out the solution despite the handicap of not being top political brains. Unfortunately, however, our political leadership is not responsive to cockroaches, unless of course they operate savings-and-loan institutions.
So the government does not appear to be working, and the public is sick of politicians, with their bloated campaign budgets and their slick, phony TV commercials. But the tide is starting to turn. That is the beauty of democracy. More and more politicians, finally getting the message, are using their bloated campaign budgets to produce slick, phony TV commercials in which they deny that they are politicians. You've probably seen these:
(The screen shows a candidate with his sleeves rolled up, pretending to talk with a group of factory workers.)
ANNOUNCER: Morton Lamprey is not a politician. Morton Lamprey has no interest in politics. That's why Morton Lamprey spent $287,000 to make this commercial.
CANDIDATE: I'm Morton Lamprey, and because I am not a politician I constantly hang out with ordinary workers, informally rolling up my sleeves and holding exactly the same opinions as they do about everything. Sometimes I even touch them. (He touches a worker.)
ANNOUNCER: Let's help Morton Lamprey continue the fight against insider "fat-cat" politics-as-usual that he's been waging for 17 consecutive terms in office.
(One of the workers throws a rock, which bounces harmlessly off the candidate's hair spray.)
CANDIDATE (to an aide): Have that worker shot.
ANNOUNCER: Morton Lamprey. He's just like you, assuming that you have a media adviser. Morton Lamprey. Notice how sincerely I say his name. I also do the Infiniti commercials.
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