Am I being a snob?

[TinCow]

I found that most of the other travel abroad students as a rule ... were pretty self-centered with a serious sense of entitlement

Says the guy who thinks the people he meets aren't smart enough for him. Sounds to me like you may be a bit too self-centered as well. Try not to judge everyone you meet based on your preconceived notions of what you want. No one will ever see the world the same way you do, because no one else has lived your life. Plus, you may be completely wrong about what you want. A lot of intelligent people do a lot of navel-gazing and think they know exactly what they want out of life. That is both narrow minded and obtuse. There is no such thing as a perfect match, because every person is constantly changing, even you. The person you are now is not the person you were five years ago, nor are you the person you will be five years from now. All you know is what you think you want at this exact moment, but that conception itself is based on the idea that you know what will make you happy. Yet, how can you know what will make you happy if you've never had it? Simply put, you can't, you're just guessing. Even if you found a person who met all your requirements today, that person might no longer meet your requirements several years from now, either because they have changed, you have changed, or both. The important thing is to find someone with whom you will enjoy sharing your journey through life. The point of the relationship is the journey, not the starting point. The journey is what brings people together, regardless of their differences at the start.

In short, relax. You're clearly thinking about the entire situation way too much. Go out and date people without pre-judging them. If you find you're not enjoying being around the person after a month or two, move on. If you are enjoying being around them, keep dating them until you're not. Every relationship ends except the last one.

[Kagemusha]

I am starting to get Hemingway´ish vibes from you TC.

[TinCow]

I am starting to get Hemingway´ish vibes from you TC.

I am of the opinion that people can make themselves unhappy by trying too hard to be happy. Intellectuals often try to analyze and control everything about their lives, but emotions cannot be controlled. Even if you are able to understand why you feel the way you do about something, such understanding does not allow you to change your feelings about it. So, I think it is pointless to even try. Just enjoy what is pleasurable and avoid what is not. Trying to change what you enjoy is a largely futile exercise. The only intellectualism to apply to it is figuring out what it is that makes you happy, and then orchestrating your life so that you will get as much of that as possible. I have two rules in life: first, enjoy yourself; second, don't stop anyone else from enjoying themselves.

I wish to emphasize that I advocate maximization of happiness, not hedonism. 'Enjoy yourself' does not mean that you should do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. The point is to maximize happiness throughout your lifetime. Often times we must do things which are unpleasant in the short term to be able to do things which are more pleasant in the long term. An example of this, for most people, is work. Today, I would have had more fun if I had stayed home and played games, but instead I went to work. I did this because in the long term I need money to do many things which make me happy. While I could enjoy a few days of entertainment by not going to work and losing my job, that enjoyment is heavily outweighed by the things that my salary enables me to do. It is relatively easy to apply a similar analysis to almost any situation. The objective of all this, for me, is that I want my last thought in life to be "that was fun" rather than "I wish I had done X." Regret is a horrible thing.

[rajpoot]

I am of the opinion that people can make themselves unhappy by trying too hard to be happy. Intellectuals often try to analyze and control everything about their lives, but emotions cannot be controlled. Even if you are able to understand why you feel the way you do about something, such understanding does not allow you to change your feelings about it. So, I think it is pointless to even try. Just enjoy what is pleasurable and avoid what is not. Trying to change what you enjoy is a largely futile exercise. The only intellectualism to apply to it is figuring out what it is that makes you happy, and then orchestrating your life so that you will get as much of that as possible. I have two rules in life: first, enjoy yourself; second, don't stop anyone else from enjoying themselves.

I wish to emphasize that I advocate maximization of happiness, not hedonism. 'Enjoy yourself' does not mean that you should do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. The point is to maximize happiness throughout your lifetime. Often times we must do things which are unpleasant in the short term to be able to do things which are more pleasant in the long term. An example of this, for most people, is work. Today, I would have had more fun if I had stayed home and played games, but instead I went to work. I did this because in the long term I need money to do many things which make me happy. While I could enjoy a few days of entertainment by not going to work and losing my job, that enjoyment is heavily outweighed by the things that my salary enables me to do. It is relatively easy to apply a similar analysis to almost any situation. The objective of all this, for me, is that I want my last thought in life to be "that was fun" rather than "I wish I had done X." Regret is a horrible thing.

I haven't read the whole thread and just read this post, offhand.
And I must say, that someone who can understand it, and implement it, in a balanced manner, can very well become one of the happiest persons on Earth.
The only other way to true happiness is ofcourse, Nirvana, which is kind of crap, because it involves being happy because you desire nothing (and have nothing).

[Kagemusha]

I haven't read the whole thread and just read this post, offhand.
And I must say, that someone who can understand it, and implement it, in a balanced manner, can very well become one of the happiest persons on Earth.
The only other way to true happiness is ofcourse, Nirvana, which is kind of crap, because it involves being happy because you desire nothing (and have nothing).

But in a sense, if pursuit of happiness make´s you unhappy, maybe letting go of that pursuit is the only way to become happy in the end?

[rajpoot]

But in a sense, if pursuit of happiness make´s you unhappy, maybe letting go of that pursuit is the only way to become happy in the end?

True. To abandon all desire is the perfect way to be happy. That is what the sages of old supposedly did over here.
But don't you see how paradoxical it is? Instead of a way for a person to attain their happiness by fulfilling their desires, it is a way that teaches them to abandon all their desires....I mean, what is happiness worth if to be happy, one must change their definition happiness altogether?
Like Tincow said, compromise and balance is the key.

[Kagemusha]

True. To abandon all desire is the perfect way to be happy. That is what the sages of old supposedly did over here.
But don't you see how paradoxical it is? Instead of a way for a person to attain their happiness by fulfilling their desires, it is a way that teaches them to abandon all their desires....I mean, what is happiness worth if to be happy, one must change their definition happiness altogether?
Like Tincow said, compromise and balance is the key.

But maybe we are misunderstanding the point. the pursuit of happiness is not happiness itself. Maybe what the wisdom says is that when you stop looking you can find something.
Maybe we should be more happy towards what is and who we are compared to using energy so much into how things could be and what we might have and worrying about that. It could be that most of us are lot more happy then we realize we are and i think Tincow is essentially saying that also.

[Vuk]

You should not expect to love someone the moment you meet them. Very few people wear their true selves on the outside, the real person is often buried much deeper and it takes time, trust, and (often) intimacy before you will really see the true nature of the person. Even people who have been friends for many years usually only demonstrate limited aspects of themselves to each other. It is, in my opinion, totally impossible to know whether any person will be right for you when you meet them because you have not yet met the real person. You will only meet that person once you get to know them more deeply, and in order to do that you must create a deeper relationship with them. If you always dismiss people based on a superficial judgment of compatibility, you are likely passing up some people who are compatible with you deep down. In addition, you are also at risk even if you do find someone, because you are trying to find someone who wears their true self on the outside. Frankly, you will never find someone like this because they do not exist. At best, you will begin a relationship with someone who meets your criteria, but by their nature those criteria will be met only superficially. Once you get to know that person, you will likely find that they do not meet those criteria in some regard deep down.

Thanks for the advise. It is definitely something to think about.

Did you not you say so yourself? Or is there something bad about such?

No, I said that most women I meet who I feel attracted to are either married or too old for me. That is not the same as being attracted to someone because they are older. Their being older is coincidental. I could not be in a relationship with an older woman, because as she started aging a lot more than me, I would stop being attracted to her at a stage in my life when physical intimacy would be important. Good things could hardly come out of such a relationship.

Whoo, man, this is a rough subject because the answers can't be had without a lot of self-criticism.

If you have women troubles, its probably your fault. I can honestly say every bad relationship i've ever been in (and i've been in quite a few) were because I had the wrong priorities from the beginning. The only way to attract women with a mature attitude is to act mature. If you just think you're deep and broody, you're probably not all that mature. If you think you're a nice guy whos misunderstood you're probably actually severely lacking in confidence. The list goes on.

If you just want to play the field and have fun, this doesn't really matter. There's nothing wrong with that either, as long as you're honest about it. Plenty of women are willing to have relationships with light commitment or no commitment at all. But if that's not what you want, then you will have to be picky and you will have to have good priorities. In my completely non-expert opinion, most people are simply not as mature as they claim to be--and age has only a little bit to do with it.

Its not that I have woman troubles, it is just that I can't seem to find anyone I want to be in a relationship with. Don't get me wrong, I am no stud, nor the most confident when approaching women, but that is not my current problem. My problem now is finding women I would want to take a chance with. And yes, I do know that the problem must be me, but I am just not sure exactly what it is. (but trust me, I do not think myself deep and broody. You are talking about the guy who still loves watching Daffy Duck and is saving up for a Mini before a house...well, I was before medical bills wiped me out :P)

[TinCow]

But in a sense, if pursuit of happiness make´s you unhappy, maybe letting go of that pursuit is the only way to become happy in the end?

Yes. As I said, you first need to figure out what really does make you happy. For some people, it is something considered conventional, like a monogamous relationship with two children and a stable job. For others, it can be far different. Happiness for some can mean being alone, having no family, or constantly traveling and having no home. Being happy can mean being polygamous and never having a permanent partner. Some people will never be happy unless they feel wealthy, while others do not need a single physical possession to be happy. Everyone is unique in this, and the challenge is mainly to determine what truly makes us happy, not what we're told should make us happy. Most societies have generated 'ideals' of what a person should be and what they should do with their lives. I am sure many of us know people who have done all these things, but remain unhappy. Those people have been pursuing things which they have been told will make them happy, they have not examined what it is that they really enjoy. If it makes you happy to reject many aspects of your society, customs, culture, and family, then so be it. Just make sure you're correct about it before you commit yourself irrevocably to one particular path.

[Kagemusha]

Yes. As I said, you first need to figure out what really does make you happy. For some people, it is something considered conventional, like a monogamous relationship with two children and a stable job. For others, it can be far different. Happiness for some can mean being alone, having no family, or constantly traveling and having no home. Being happy can mean being polygamous and never having a permanent partner. Some people will never be happy unless they feel wealthy, while others do not need a single physical possession to be happy. Everyone is unique in this, and the challenge is mainly to determine what truly makes us happy, not what we're told should make us happy. Most societies have generated 'ideals' of what a person should be and what they should do with their lives. I am sure many of us know people who have done all these things, but remain unhappy. Those people have been pursuing things which they have been told will make them happy, they have not examined what it is that they really enjoy. If it makes you happy to reject many aspects of your society, customs, culture, and family, then so be it. Just make sure you're correct about it before you commit yourself irrevocably to one particular path.

I agree completely.

[Kagemusha]

I am of the opinion that people can make themselves unhappy by trying too hard to be happy. Intellectuals often try to analyze and control everything about their lives, but emotions cannot be controlled. Even if you are able to understand why you feel the way you do about something, such understanding does not allow you to change your feelings about it. So, I think it is pointless to even try. Just enjoy what is pleasurable and avoid what is not. Trying to change what you enjoy is a largely futile exercise. The only intellectualism to apply to it is figuring out what it is that makes you happy, and then orchestrating your life so that you will get as much of that as possible. I have two rules in life: first, enjoy yourself; second, don't stop anyone else from enjoying themselves.

I wish to emphasize that I advocate maximization of happiness, not hedonism. 'Enjoy yourself' does not mean that you should do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. The point is to maximize happiness throughout your lifetime. Often times we must do things which are unpleasant in the short term to be able to do things which are more pleasant in the long term. An example of this, for most people, is work. Today, I would have had more fun if I had stayed home and played games, but instead I went to work. I did this because in the long term I need money to do many things which make me happy. While I could enjoy a few days of entertainment by not going to work and losing my job, that enjoyment is heavily outweighed by the things that my salary enables me to do. It is relatively easy to apply a similar analysis to almost any situation. The objective of all this, for me, is that I want my last thought in life to be "that was fun" rather than "I wish I had done X." Regret is a horrible thing.

Very wise words. Dont get me wrong i did not mean that Heminwayis´h would be a negative feeling at all.

[Vuk]

If you like older women, date older women. Or at least try if that is really your cup of tea. Based on that experience you can move on from there.

lol, I do not prefer older women.

Says the guy who thinks the people he meets aren't smart enough for him. Sounds to me like you may be a bit too self-centered as well. Try not to judge everyone you meet based on your preconceived notions of what you want. No one will ever see the world the same way you do, because no one else has lived your life. Plus, you may be completely wrong about what you want. A lot of intelligent people do a lot of navel-gazing and think they know exactly what they want out of life. That is both narrow minded and obtuse. There is no such thing as a perfect match, because every person is constantly changing, even you. The person you are now is not the person you were five years ago, nor are you the person you will be five years from now. All you know is what you think you want at this exact moment, but that conception itself is based on the idea that you know what will make you happy. Yet, how can you know what will make you happy if you've never had it? Simply put, you can't, you're just guessing. Even if you found a person who met all your requirements today, that person might no longer meet your requirements several years from now, either because they have changed, you have changed, or both. The important thing is to find someone with whom you will enjoy sharing your journey through life. The point of the relationship is the journey, not the starting point. The journey is what brings people together, regardless of their differences at the start.

In short, relax. You're clearly thinking about the entire situation way too much. Go out and date people without pre-judging them. If you find you're not enjoying being around the person after a month or two, move on. If you are enjoying being around them, keep dating them until you're not. Every relationship ends except the last one.

Is it self-centered to want your partner to have common sense, similar priorities, be decently intelligent, and have some-what similar beliefs? I never claimed that I was extremely intelligent TinCow, just that so many of the women my age who I meet are either lacking common sense, not very intelligent (not that I am saying they need to be geniuses), or have very different priorities. Would it be fair to myself or to a potential partner to start a relationship with her she could get emotionally involved in when I simply cannot feel connected to her? I do try to like people I meet, and I cannot help it if I do not feel a connection to them. It does me and my partner no good to be in a relationship where I do not care for her.
I think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that I have lived a very different life and had a very different upbringing than most people, and as such my priorities, values, and beliefs are very different. I don't want a carbon clone of myself with female genitals. I just want to find someone who shares most of my values, beliefs, and priorities in even a basic way and is reasonably intelligent and mature. If that makes me self-centered or narrow-minded, than I am, and I don't know how to be anything else.
Also, I do not pre-judge people. Even when I have assume certain things about people (by how they dress, things I have heard about them , etc), I always give them a chance to prove me wrong, and will change my opinion of them if they do.

[Kagemusha]

lol, I do not prefer older women.

Did you not you say so yourself? Or is there something bad about such?

[TinCow]

Is it self-centered to want your partner to have common sense, similar priorities, be decently intelligent, and have some-what similar beliefs? I never claimed that I was extremely intelligent TinCow, just that so many of the women my age who I meet are either lacking common sense, not very intelligent (not that I am saying they need to be geniuses), or have very different priorities. Would it be fair to myself or to a potential partner to start a relationship with her she could get emotionally involved in when I simply cannot feel connected to her? I do try to like people I meet, and I cannot help it if I do not feel a connection to them. It does me and my partner no good to be in a relationship where I do not care for her.
I think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that I have lived a very different life and had a very different upbringing than most people, and as such my priorities, values, and beliefs are very different. I don't want a carbon clone of myself with female genitals. I just want to find someone who shares most of my values, beliefs, and priorities in even a basic way and is reasonably intelligent and mature. If that makes me self-centered or narrow-minded, than I am, and I don't know how to be anything else.
Also, I do not pre-judge people. Even when I have assume certain things about people (by how they dress, things I have heard about them , etc), I always give them a chance to prove me wrong, and will change my opinion of them if they do.

You should not expect to love someone the moment you meet them. Very few people wear their true selves on the outside, the real person is often buried much deeper and it takes time, trust, and (often) intimacy before you will really see the true nature of the person. Even people who have been friends for many years usually only demonstrate limited aspects of themselves to each other. It is, in my opinion, totally impossible to know whether any person will be right for you when you meet them because you have not yet met the real person. You will only meet that person once you get to know them more deeply, and in order to do that you must create a deeper relationship with them. If you always dismiss people based on a superficial judgment of compatibility, you are likely passing up some people who are compatible with you deep down. In addition, you are also at risk even if you do find someone, because you are trying to find someone who wears their true self on the outside. Frankly, you will never find someone like this because they do not exist. At best, you will begin a relationship with someone who meets your criteria, but by their nature those criteria will be met only superficially. Once you get to know that person, you will likely find that they do not meet those criteria in some regard deep down.