Hello Shogunites, I am new to this game but still, I wanted to share my thoughts on the most controversial theory of modern times. Yes folks, Shogun & Sexuality... Curious yet? I am sure you are...
Lets start at the beginning. About a week ago, I was watching an entertaining pornographic video named Samurider, the plot revolved around a Daimyo who would have been assassinated by a geisha if not for a heroic samurai warrior, this honourable fighter was unfortunately injured in battle in a previous engagement and as a result of this had hightened estrogen levels, which in case resulted to man breasts, fight club anyone?
Anyway the Daimyo was intrigued by this and was extremely gratefull for his life being saved. I was pleasantly surprised by this very human storyline and plot which I would have fast forwarded if it wasnt for my sticky remote control (that's another story)
I came to the conclusion that I must try out a similar situation to see if life really does immitate art, the first thing that came to mind was a game called Shogun Total War. This was perfect, after all gaming is the perfect substitute for sex (this is why most of you are here, you probably cannot get it)
After cleaning up the mess by the counter (the attendant told me geisha women were present ingame), I continued home to install this game and play with myself.
I rushed home as quick as possible, I probably killed a few people on the road such was my excitement, I ran over to my computer, threw my blow up doll (Shirley) aside.... sorry honey, i'll make it up to you tonight.
After my first go, I was drained, took me a few minutes to recover but i was back on track again, after replenishing the kleenex i decided to take a nap and to contemplate what i had done, feeling slightly guilty i realised that it was time to play the game now.
The game was as good as I thought it might be, it got an excellent review in "Therapy Weekly" afterall, I even got a flashback afterwards about my friend Amy and her black lover, "once you go black you never go back" she said, I responded with "I once had a friend who fell into an incinerator.
Once he went black he never went back" then I woke up.
That night, during my usual late night crappy television revue, I came upon this horrible crap television show called "Cybersix". Originally of course I mistook it for "Cyber Sex" and decided to have a look. Wow, even weirder things awaited my senses, from this moment onwards I realised that I couldn't maintain an erection without listening to the music in the credits section of Shogun, I used scrolling images in this section to also stimulate myself, this is an ongoing problem for me and is becoming quite serious, my counsellor advised me that listing all abrieviations for masturbation might solve it, so I attempted this....
audition the finger puppets, bash the candle, be a virtuoso of the skin flute, beat off, beat the bishop, beat the dummy, beat the meat, beat the stick, beat up your date, beef-stroke-it-off, bleed the weed, blow your load, bludgeon the beefsteak, bop the baloney, box the jesuit and get cockroaches, boxin' the bald champ, buff the banana, burp the baby, burp the worm, butter the corn, choke Kojak, choke the chicken, choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come, clamp the pipe, clean your rifle, climb Mount Baldy, closet Frisbee, come into your own, cook the cream of cock, corral the tadpoles, couch hockey for one, crank the shank, crimp the wire, crown the king, cuff the carrot, diddle, do a hand job, do battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love, do handiwork, do the janitor thing, drain the monster, engage in safe sex, fist fuck, fist your mister, five knuckle shuffle, flog the dog, flog the dong, flog the hog, flog your mule, fondle the fig, friggit, gallup the antelope, genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion, get a date with Slick Mittens, get the German soldier marching, get to know yourself, give it a tug, go a couple of rounds with ol' josh, go on a date with Handrea and Palmela, grease the pipe, hack the hog, have a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake, have a date with Fisty Palmer, have a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters, have it off, have sex with someone you love, hitchhike to heaven, hitchhike under the big top, hold the sausage hostage, hug the hog, hump your hose, jack hammer, jack off, jazz yourself, jerk off, jerkin' the Gherkin, juggling the coullions, meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters, knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump, lope the mule, make instant pudding, make the bald man puke, mangle the midget, manipulate the mango, manual override, master bacon, meet Rosie Hancock, milk the cow, milk the lizard, mount a corporal and four, nerk your throbber, null the void, oil the glove, onan's olympics, pack your palm, paddle the pickle, paint the ceiling, paint the pickle, peel the banana, peel some chilies, perform diagnostics on your ManTool, play a little five-on-one, play in a one-man show, play five against one, play pocket pinball, play pocket pool, play tug-of-war with the cyclops, play Uno, please your pisser, plunk your twanger, polish Percy in your palm, polish the family jewels, polish the rocket, polish the sword, pound off, pound the bald-headed moose, pound the pud, pound your flounder, pull off, pull rank, pull the carrot, pull the cord, pull the five-knuckle shuffle, pull the goalie, pull the pole, pull the pope, pull your prick, pull your taffy, pump the python, punchin' the munchkin, ram the ham, ride the great white knuckler, roll your own, rope the pony, rope the pope, rub off, rub one out, run off a batch by hand, sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights, scour the tower of power, self abuse, self-induced penile regurgitation, shag, shake hands with the unemployed, shake hands with your John Thomas, shake hands with your wife's best friend, shemp the hog, shift gears, shine the helmet, shine your pole, shoot putty at the moon, shoot skeet (pull...shoot), shoot the moon, slakin' the bacon, slam the ham, slam the spam, slammin' the salmon, slap high fives with Yul Brynner, slap the carrot, slap the clown, slap the donkey, slap the pud, slap the salami, slappin' pappy, sling the jelly, snap the monkey, snap the rubber, snap the whip, solo sex, spank the frank, spank the monkey, spank the salami, squeeze the cheese, squeeze the juice, stinky pinky, stir the yogurt, stoke it, stroke it, stroke off, stroke the one-eyed burping gecko, stroke the dog, stroke the satin-headed serpent, stroke your poker, take matters into your own hands, take the monster for a one-armed ride, take part in population control, tease the weenie, tenderize the tube steak, test the testicles, test your batteries, the art of Unisex, tickly my fancy, tickle the pickle, toss off, toss the turkey, twang the wire, thump the pump, tweak your twinkie, varnish the flagpole, wack the one-eyed worm, wack the weasel, wack the willie, walk the dog, walk the plank, wank, wax the carrot, wax the dolphin, wax your surfboard, whack off, whip off, whip the dummy, whip the wire, whip up some sour cream, whip your dripper, whizzin' jism, wixen, wonk your conker, work off, wrestle the eel, wring out your rope, wrist aerobics, yank off, yank the crank, yank your plank, yank the yoyo.......
Phew...
No such joy, but fear not as I will seek professional advice about this problem later in the week.
But enough for this encounter, I will continue with my fascinating theory in part 2 next week.
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