Hey, nobody is hosting this Large Mafia [Concluded]

[Askthepizzaguy]

Elaborate and impractical torture methods are already being designed in anticipation for my revenge.

Excellent.

[White_eyes:D]

Who needs role-reveals when we have some of the most hilarious write-ups ever?

[Askthepizzaguy]

SalmonSoil stirred in his sleep. He thought he heard a banging noise outside his window. He rolled out of bed to check it out.

He couldn't quite see anything, so he opened up the window and stuck his head out, curiously.

A bowling ball struck him in the head, and he blacked out.

When he came to, he was trapped in a body bag, being dragged roughly on the ground. He screamed and tried to get out, but whenever he did, someone struck him with a shovel. He decided to play dead and listen carefully. He heard the sounds of shoveling dirt, and not a whole lot else. He was hoping whoever it was would leave him unattended so he could escape.

Off in the distance, the sound of a truck approaching gave SalmonSoil some hope for a rescue. It seemed to be getting closer, and closer, and then it started to make the backing up noise.

"Time to sleep with the fishes." said a voice.

SalmonSoil tried to break free from the bag and escape, but he was dragged over a steep drop and left in the bag. SalmonSoil struggled with the zipper from the inside, and soon enough, he started to worm his way free. He saw the stars, and he breathed in the fresh air.

Something smelled fishy, though.

The truck began to lift up, and dump its cargo into the open grave. SalmonSoil hadn't quite freed himself completely from the bag, and he looked up to see...


fish.


Thousands and thousands of fish. And they buried him completely, their heavy, wet bodies crushing him.

"Salmon. Soil. GET IT???"

SalmonSoil groaned his last, and not just because of how bad the joke was. He could no longer breathe.






Arjos was feeling a little bored. When a bearded figure crashed through his bedroom window, swinging from a rope, Arjos knew that he was going to have an interesting evening.

"Yarrr! I be here to collect on an old debt, matey. Your treasure or your head!"

"Treasure? What treasure? All I've got is a bunch of Spider-Man comic books and a bunch of Star Wars figurines still in their original packaging!"

"A fine booty that be, but not good enough I fear. Time ye be walkin' the plank!"

"I'll do no such thing! I will not be pillaged and/or plundered!"

"Well then we'll be crossin' sabres, lad. Look sharp, because me blade's even sharper!"

"I have just the right saber for this battle."

the sound of an authentic Darth Vader lightsaber toy switching on fills the bedroom. The red glow lights up Arjos' face as he prepares for battle.

"You guessed wrong about that, matey."

With a single swing, the plastic toy is cut in half. Arjos looks shocked that the replica is so easily destroyed.


"You ruined my fantasy world, man! I don't even WANT to live anymore!"

Arjos rushes to the bedroom window and hurls himself out of it. The Pirate just stands there dumbfounded.



"....Yarrr."







Possibly alive enough to host this game: [16/33]

Andres
atheotes
Captain Blackadder
Chaotix
Csargo
Double A
Greyblades
Ishmael
issaikhaan
Jarema
Kagemusha
LazyMcCrow
Pharaoh Ramese II
Robbiecon
White_Eyes:D
Zaccino

Rather a bit too dead to host this game: [17/33]

Askthepizzaguy
Seon
Believer
Edse
Visorslash
Nightbringer
Populus Romanus
GeneralHankerchief
DaveShaq
Bsmith
CountArach
rickinator9
Riedquat
Tiaexz
Diana Abnoba
SalmonSoil
Arrrrjos


Begin Day Six.


48 hours.

[Arjos]

Shiver me timbers! :D

[Jarema]

vote: White Eyes

explain why you are so.

[Andres]

Vote : Csargo

And where is robbiecon?

[Chaotix]

vote: White Eyes

explain why you are so.

So what? What is he so? I'm so confused!

Vote: white_eyes

Explain yourself! Explain why you are so!

[Ishmael]

vote: Andres for now so that I don't forget to vote again. This afternoon, when I have a bit more time, I'll see if I can find a proper case against somebody.

[Csargo]

vote: White Eyes

explain why you are so.

Vote: Jarema

No you!

[SalmonSoil]

I guess you could say I'm sleeping with the fishes.

[White_eyes:D]

vote: White Eyes

explain why you are so.

I feel like you should have put more onto that...but scum shouldn't think too hard.

Vote:Jarema

[seireikhaan]

Vote: Andres

Because I can only log on about once every two days and you continually rejected my idea that Diana dying was a fantastic idea.

[Askthepizzaguy]

"I've figured it out. Andres wants to host this mafia." said Ishmael.

"Bye!" said Askthepizzaguy, as he dove into an open grave and began frantically covering himself with soil.




"....That's probably a good sign, right?" said Khaan.

"I've got a good feeling about this." said LazyMcCrow confidently.



The skies turned black, and a torrent of frogs and snakes and little tiny bunny rabbits began falling from the heavens. Also, rain.







"WHO DARES DISTURB MY NAP?" said Andres.

"It is I, Ishmael. I have come to meekly accuse your Great and Powerfulness of.... of.... whatever it is being guilty means in this game."

"YOU'RE WRONG." said Andres, who proceeded to drink a gallon of ale in a single sip.

"Oh, okay. Nevermind then." said Ishmael. "My apologies, O glorious drinker of alcohol."

LazyMcCrow: "Hey, don't just let up on him because he's insanely powerful. YO, ANDRES!"

"WHAT?" came the reply, as the ground trembled underneath Lazy's feet.

LazyMcCrow: "Uh, nothing."

issaikhaan: "Let me handle this."

LazyMcCrow: "Have at it, buddy."

issaikhaan: "You're the one that wants to host this game, Andres. Now, just admit it, and we'll play a nice little game, and you can wreak as much havoc as you like."

"I ALREADY DO."

issaikhaan: "Right. Then I have no choice. I challenge you to a drinking contest."

"WHAT?"

issaikhaan: "You and me. Drinking contest. Loser has to host this game."

"HOLD ON, LET ME FINISH MY BEER FIRST."

issaikhaan: "Sure, I'll wait."

Andres summoned the entire supply of beer from northern Europe, and chugged it.

"OK, READY."

Issaikhaan: "Here are the rules. Contained in the goblet of wine in front of me, is wine. There may or may not be poison in the wine..."

"NOPE. I JUST DRANK IT. THERE WAS NO POISON IN IT."

Issaikhaan calmly poured wine into another goblet.

Issaikhaan: "As I was saying. Contained in the goblet is wine. We will take turns drinking out of the goblet of wine until one of us cannot continue."

Andres tossed the entire goblet in his mouth, chewed it up, and then spat out a dozen smaller goblets.

"YOUR TURN."

Issaikhaan filled each of the dozen smaller goblets, and took a single sip of wine.

Issaikhaan: "You're up, Andres."

Andres chugged each one of the dozen goblets of wine, and spat out a dozen more goblets for each one that he drank.

"MORE."

Issaikhaan began pouring wine into the 144 goblets.

The sound of the pouring went on for nearly an hour.

Soon, it became too much for Andres' bladder, and he was forced to excuse himself and use the bathroom.

Issaikhaan took a second sip of wine.

Andres was still answering nature's call nearly an hour later, so Issaikhaan was declared the winner of the drinking contest.

Later, Andres was found unconscious, with a beer tap in his mouth. A single gunshot wound to the forehead seemed to indicate that he was dead... but you never really can tell with Andres.







Possibly alive enough to host this game: [15/33]

atheotes
Captain Blackadder
Chaotix
Csargo
Double A
Greyblades
Ishmael
issaikhaan
Jarema
Kagemusha
LazyMcCrow
Pharaoh Ramese II
Robbiecon
White_Eyes:D
Zaccino

Rather a bit too dead to host this game: [18/33]

Askthepizzaguy
Seon
Believer
Edse
Visorslash
Nightbringer
Populus Romanus
GeneralHankerchief
DaveShaq
Bsmith
CountArach
rickinator9
Riedquat
Tiaexz
Diana Abnoba
SalmonSoil
Arrrrjos
Andres


Begin Night Six.

[Askthepizzaguy]

*tap tap tap*

The noise was coming from the bedroom window. The occupant of the bedroom just kept snoring loudly. A bright light began to glow outside, shining into the unlit room, as if searching for something.

*tap tap tap*

"Five more minutes. I just went to bed. Lemme alone."


*SMASH*

The window shattered, and the occupant of the bedroom sat straight up, and looked out the window groggily.

"Who... who are you?" he said, as he began rubbing his eyes.

A falsetto voice replied. The kind of falsetto voice that would make getting stabbed in the eyes with corkscrews seem pleasant by comparison.


"HELLOOOOOO!!!"


There in the window was a bizarre sight. It appeared to be a bearded man, in a frilly fairy costume, with angel wings. And he was.... flying.

"Okay. I give you points for originality, but it won't work. I know you're here to kill me, so just do it already."

"No, my little sugar dumpling. I am not here to murder you, for I am your fairy Godfather!"

"What."

"I am your guardian angel sent from above to warn you of danger! The mafia are coming to get you!"

"The mafia? I thought it was just deranged people who have an obsession with hosting a mafia game."

"Yes, but it's easier to just refer to them as the mafia!"

"Fair enough."

"You don't realize how important you are. Without you, all hope of saving the rest of them will be lost! I must take you from this place."

"I'm just a vanilla townie. Err, I mean, some dude who doesn't want to host this Mafia."

"There is more going on than you realize. Just remember who came up with the premise. Expect the unexpected!"

"Yeah, you're right. Pizza is a loon, therefore, I suppose I should be open-minded."

"Yes, exactly! Since when does Pizza ever host simple vanilla games? There's much more going on here. And I will show you, but time is running out! You must come with meeeeeee."

*a loud knock is heard on the door of the bedroom*

"Who in the world could that be, at this hour?"

"It's them! It's the mafia! Come with me, I will be your guardian angel! I will protect you from harm!"

"You will? You're... going to save my life tonight?"

"Yes! Yes my sweet little butterball. You must make haste, come and I will take you away to the gathering place for all of the fairies! You must promise never to reveal to anyone the nature of this secret hideout. Do you promise?"

"Yes strange bearded man wearing a frilly dress hanging around my bedroom, I promise to keep your secret from everyone! Now take me! Take me away and be my angel! Show me your hidden magical place, and cover me in your pixie dust!"

"That's the spirit! I'll take you in my arms and we'll fly! Fly, fly away!"

Double A leaped into the arms of the bearded man, and they began to sail off into the night sky.

"Say, is that a harness and a rope strapped to your back?

"Yeah. It's, uh.... all part of the magical mystery of fairies, kid."

"That doesn't seem very magical. Is that a blimp that we're hanging from?"

"Naw, it's a flock of winged unicorns. And they're being piloted by shiny golden leprechauns."

"So where is this magical place you're taking me to?"

"It's an enchanted castle, guarded by a rainbow-colored dragon made entirely out of the hopes and dreams of innocent children."

"........"

"We're here! We're at the enchanted castle, where all the magical fairies gather."

"I don't see anything."

The bearded man leaned in closer, and whispered into Double A's ear.

"You have to BELIEVE in fairies to get inside the castle. Do you believe?"

"Not really."

"Okay then, I guess I'll just take you back home where the murderous gangsters are waiting for you. I thought you wanted to see inside the enchanted castle, but I guess I was wrong...."

"Ok fine, I do believe in fairies."

"You don't really mean it. Back to the murderous gangsters you go!"

"Yes! Yes I do, I swear! I really do believe in fairies!"

"Well.... I'm still not sure."

"Please mister fairy Godfather, sir! I swear, on my life, I do believe in fairies! I do, I do, I do! I believe in fairies with all of my heart!"

"YAY! Now prepare yourself, for the human eye can scarcely imagine the wonders you're about to behold!"

"I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies!"

"PREPARE TO BE WOWED!"

The bearded man hurled Double A as hard as he could, and Double A plummeted several hundred feet, eventually landing on top of Captain Blackadder, who was out for an evening stroll. The end result sort of looked like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, smashed repeatedly with a sledgehammer, and sprinkled with bone fragments.




"Heh heh heh... ah.... that was a good one." said the bearded fairy.





Possibly alive enough to host this game: [13/33]

atheotes
Chaotix
Csargo
Greyblades
Ishmael
issaikhaan
Jarema
Kagemusha
LazyMcCrow
Pharaoh Ramese II
Robbiecon
White_Eyes:D
Zaccino

Rather a bit too dead to host this game: [20/33]

Askthepizzaguy
Seon
Believer
Edse
Visorslash
Nightbringer
Populus Romanus
GeneralHankerchief
DaveShaq
Bsmith
CountArach
rickinator9
Riedquat
Tiaexz
Diana Abnoba
SalmonSoil
Arrrrjos
Andres
Captain Blackadder
Double A


Begin Day Seven.

[LazyMcCrow]

vote: Zaccino

[Ishmael]

ATPG, before I vote for anybody can I ask if anyone is on the brink of WoGing?

EDIT: Also, nice write-up, although it does seem a little cruel on Double A to make him profess his belief in fairies before killing him (and if that was your touch mafia, it was downright nasty. And would narrow the suspects down a little ).

[Askthepizzaguy]

LazyMcCrow: "Well Zack, it's come down to this. We know what you've been doing. We know you want to host this Mafia. You want to host it so badly, that you're capable of.... MURDER."

Ishmael: "MURDER MOST FOUL!"

Kagemusha: "Plus, your vote is kinda all over the place. Scumbag!"

Zaccino: *sigh*

LazyMcCrow: "See! Right there! He's trying to pretend that he doesn't care that he's about to be lynched! The mark of a true scum."

Ishmael: "I say he's trying to feign townie frustration. Well it won't work! We see through your little schemes."

Kagemusha: "You tried to kill my friend Ishmael, and you tried to kill my friend Chaotix. Now the tables have turned, and you shall be the one who dies!"

Zaccino: "Yay."

Ishmael: "Now you shall die in a manner befitting a scum of your caliber! Right?"


......


Askthepizzaguy: "What? Oh, yeah. Ummm.... and then there was a whole boat.... full of like... zombie pirate ninjas. And the zombie pirates were all.... like... flipping out and tossing ninja stars everywhere, and going 'yarrr' and stuff. And then there was another boat full of like... ghost jesters. And they started firin' their lasers at each other, because they had lasers. And then there was a robot vampire cult that showed up from... the sky, and they began biting everyone and turned them into cyber-vampires. But there was also a renegade vampire who was all "I'm not like the others, I'm a warrior for the side of righteousness and peace and love" and he started un-vampiring everyone with his anti-vampire... um... phaser pistol. But before that happened, he was out walking around and like, buying a coffee, and the dude behind the counter kept messing up his order, so he asked to see the manager, and the guy was all "I am the manager!" but then this really hot chick showed up and she had a katana, and totally ran off the coffee guy, and then they fell in love and it was magical, but the ghost jesters arrived right then and they started... being all.... ghostly. And causing hijinks. And just when things started being like, it can't get any worse, that's when the boat full of zombie pirates crashed into the cafe and began battling the ghost jesters. So the renegade vampire and his katana girl started fighting them all, back to back, and just when it looked like they would win, the head cyber-vampire robot showed up and he had the biggest and baddest robot anyone had ever seen, ever, and he said "Well done Bitey the Renegade Vampire (his name was Bitey, I forgot to mention that), well done, but you didn't count on the baddest robot of them all crashing your little party." and so Bitey had to come up with a plan, and he threw down a smoke bomb and it made everyone cough, and he escaped out the back door, and they were being chased by the cyber-vampire-robot, which had missile launchers. But then they turned the wrong corner and got trapped in a net somehow, and it was all over for Bitey and his katana babe, and the cyber robot vampire was all "I have you now" and then that's when Bitey remembered he had super powers and used his X-ray vision to see the enemy's weak spot and then he teleported inside the big robot and shot magical fire breath at the robot's reactor core, and it exploded but before that happened he teleported outside and grabbed his babe and then they teleported to the other side of the planet, and the shockwave made the whole planet shake, but the robot vampire cult was defeated, along with the zombie pirate ninjas, but not the ghost jesters because they're already dead, so they didn't die from the big esplosions."


LazyMcCrow: "That's great, but you forgot to kill Zack."


Askthepizzaguy: "And then I killed Zack for no reason. THE END!"















Possibly alive enough to host this game: [12/33]

atheotes
Chaotix
Csargo
Greyblades
Ishmael
issaikhaan
Jarema
Kagemusha
LazyMcCrow
Pharaoh Ramese II
Robbiecon
White_Eyes:D

Rather a bit too dead to host this game: [21/33]

Askthepizzaguy
Seon
Believer
Edse
Visorslash
Nightbringer
Populus Romanus
GeneralHankerchief
DaveShaq
Bsmith
CountArach
rickinator9
Riedquat
Tiaexz
Diana Abnoba
SalmonSoil
Arrrrjos
Andres
Captain Blackadder
Double A
Zaccino


Begin Night Seven.

[Zack]

Wait, what exactly was I even lynched for?

[Askthepizzaguy]

"Take out the garbage NOW!" she shouted.

So typical. The garbage didn't even have to be at the curb for another few hours, and this was no time to be anything but glued to the television. It was an all-bowling midnight marathon. Sure, he could pause the programming, but that was just too much to ask. Why couldn't she do it?

And so he remained focused on the most important thing: Bowling. The pins... the strikes... the thrill of watching the automatic pin setter-upper machine. It was absolutely riveting. That's probably why he didn't notice that two hours had gone by. Sure enough, the fact that the garbage hadn't gotten taken out made her start nagging again.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This garbage is stinking up the whole house! Take it out or I'm throwing a brick through the TV!" she shouted.

Grumbling, he gathered up the bags and took them down to the curb. Surely she would be happy now.

Just as he set the bags down, he noticed a figure standing across the street, polishing a bowling ball. What an unusual thing to be doing, there, at this time of night. Obviously this person had exquisite taste in hobbies.

"Hey! You over there! ......do you like bowling?"

-"How did you guess? Of course I like bowling. Who doesn't?"

"Well, you'd be surprised. So, are you part of a team? You need a bowling partner?"

-"I could use another guy, sure. Matter of fact, I was going to head out bowling right now."

"I can't. I mean, the lady of the house would be really upset with me if I left."

-"Shame. I was going to let you try out my special bowling ball. It's the kind with a liquid center. It's filled with 4 pounds of pin-pulverizing peanut oil. The secret is that some of it leaks out of the microscopic holes on the outside, so the ball is guaranteed to glide with an absolute minimum of friction. It's the latest technology."

"A bowling ball.... with a liquid center!?! Dear God."

-"Yeah, I guess I'll just have to take this super-rare bowling ball and go play on my own private lane all by myself..."

"NO. Take me with you. I can always find another place to live. Ladies come and go, but bowling is FOREVER!"

-"Great. Hop in my car."


And so LazyMcCrow got inside the car, and they drove out of the Gameroom, toward the rarely-visited parts of the .Org.

They drove through the Shogun Modification subforum, past the Attic, and ended up deep in the rarely-seen Recycle Bin.

"This is a place where posts go to die. Why are we here?" asked LazyMcCrow.

-"In the Recycle Bin, no one can hear you scream...."




"NO! NO!!! NO!!!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"



It took a long time for anyone to find his body, but when they did, they found LazyMcCrow with his skull smashed in, with a broken bowling ball for a hat. He was tied to a post, with his arms tied outstretched, utterly drenched in peanut oil.

His lifeless form kept watch over the Recycle Bin. To this day, he still wards off nuisance crows; but he does very little to keep the maggots away.


Issaikhaan, on the other hand, got quite lost and ended up in the Recycle Bin. The image of a maggot-ridden scarecrow irreparably damaged his sanity. He completely lost it, and began running amok through the graveyard-like forum, until it was clear that drastic measures needed to be taken to put a stop to his rampage. The imaginary rider on his back was forced to kill him, before he tore a swath of destruction through his own imaginary troops.








Possibly alive enough to host this game: [10/33]

atheotes
Chaotix
Csargo
Greyblades
Ishmael
Jarema
Kagemusha
Pharaoh Ramese II
Robbiecon
White_Eyes:D

Rather a bit too dead to host this game: [23/33]

Askthepizzaguy
Seon
Believer
Edse
Visorslash
Nightbringer
Populus Romanus
GeneralHankerchief
DaveShaq
Bsmith
CountArach
rickinator9
Riedquat
Tiaexz
Diana Abnoba
SalmonSoil
Arrrrjos
Andres
Captain Blackadder
Double A
Zaccino
LazyMcCrow
issaikhaan


Begin Day Eight.