So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that...

[Husar]

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

[rory_20_uk]

I certainly do not think that slapping a "medical" tag on something then means one can then blame everything on this, but if one has a clearer grasp of a problem one is in a better idea to do something about it.

I can be extremely cerebral and cold (as most people here are aware). In real life I've leart to dial this down and give answers to questions that are what people want to hear, rather than what I really think. I've not bothered to try and medicalise thid by placing it on some "spectrum" or other but knowing myself in this way helps me interact with others.

Hell, all men do this - "do I look big in this", "don't make a big deal over Valentine's" etc etc. I loathe these double-speak games that stain relationships with women - but it is part of the course. I want a logical argument but have learnt that often one only gets an emotional - mess in reply. But then I am a ENTJ on the Myers Briggs's scale.

There are good sites that also say how knowing oneself and those that one is to interact with helps speak the same "language".

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

Yeah - I screwed this up too bad though.

I know what it sounds like "he's trying to rationalise away the romantic element" but no, I tried to rationalise in a romantic element because she was cute, and hey, everybody wants to find someone right?

Turns out, that was a bad idea - because I couldn't actually offer her anything other than friendship.

Why am I upset?

My friend, someone I love, is getting married and I have to ignore it because I screwed up our friendship in all sorts of ways - and I saw it coming and couldn't stop it, then I did something stupid. I gave her a choice and walked away.

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

[Fragony]

Let it go there is no fixing anyway, she is now with somebody else. I am sorry for you that it worked out this way but why persist in hurting yourself musing about what you could have done differently. Get over it, what else can you do

[CountArach]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

[Fragony]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise
anything.

From wiki

Q. Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? It would seem to me that Bipolar and some forms of Autism are equally likely to be misdiagnosed as NPD.


Good question

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

In my case it's more that I'm naturally suspicious of people because I have trouble reading them, if I do form an attachment it is extremely full on, and it tends to sneak up on me. In this case though, she didn't actually dissuade me from forming an attachment, in fact I'd say she actively encouraged it, until she dumped her then boyfriend and I think suddenly realised we were closer than she was comfortable with.

I mean, this was someone who, once upon a time, we made time for each other to meet up for at least an hour once a week outside of classes etc.

You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise anything.

Thanks Frag. A real narcissist is a self-lover (steady), it's more likely I'm emotional fixated in general.

[Fragony]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

[Husar]

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time).

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Methinks if someone knew for sure they would make a killing in self help books. Make sure you dont do something that makes you think of any episode of Law&Order SVU.

Thanks, that made me smile.

It's also good advice.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time).

I'm leaving her alone, it was the right choice four years ago - it's the right choice now.

Such is the way of things.

As to the "e-stalking" bit. Yeah, it's the facebook profile, looking at is is voyeuristic (but then I'm fairly sure she must have looked at mine in the past, but not recently). Down that road, however, lies madness and fantasies of twitching curtains.

Anyway, I'm all better now (pretty much).

[Husar]

As to the "e-stalking" bit. Yeah, it's the facebook profile, looking at is is voyeuristic (but then I'm fairly sure she must have looked at mine in the past, but not recently). Down that road, however, lies madness and fantasies of twitching curtains.

Anyway, I'm all better now (pretty much).

I've read an entire article about how so many things in entertainment and games are voyeuristic because that makes things interesting in the first place.

Looking at a nice girl on the bus is also voyeuristic, but even worse, we're genetically programmed to look at the round bits, and so are women just as well.

I'd think unhealthy starts somewhere beyond this more natural attraction.

If you think it's not okay for religious reasons, then pray for the lord to take that urge away because you're a human and too weak.
My guess though is that he won't take it away.

I'm leaving her alone, it was the right choice four years ago - it's the right choice now.

Such is the way of things.

The question I have is, why does she keep you around as her Facebook friend if she is absolutely not interested in having contact with you again?
Are women that weak-willed that they simply don't dare to press an unfriend button, yet so strong-willed that they would insist on not having contact again when you tried to contact them?
Does that even make any sense?

I think I know how you feel but sometimes old friends are really happy when you just say hello again, I got old friends on Facebook too, you know.
Maybe not ones I hurt a lot but time also heals wounds.
Your choice but it does make me wonder.

By the way, if she's a christian she should be able to forgive you.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

It's just that there's no real culture shock. It's not like you joined the Select Brethren and isolated yourself from all non-believers.

I ask because I feel on some level that the direction my own life has taken is a pretty self-destructive one, and that my faith and the world that it exposed me to is both an influence on and a product of that direction. I can't say that my first forage into the world of Christianity outright caused or was caused by this direction, it's like it has complemented it.

It was a massive culture shock for them - the whole extended family are very anti-God and anti-Church, I was very isolated at the time. The way we get around it now is they are not allowed to ask any questions about that part of my life, and I don't offer any information.

To yourself - I think having read your posts for a long time you find it difficult to know where you fit into society, and until you do it's always going to be rough around the edges.

I could give you some dross about how your faith should be a calm point in your life but mine has been like being set on fire while being dipped in ice.

Look just stop it, you know the bolded bit is garbage and this is not the place for your trolling. The lame attempt to link it to some sort of emotional reaction to what PVC posted in another thread is pathetic.

My initial advice got the exact same reaction as yours, it wasn't that bad and he's allowed to vent in this sort of thread.

Even with what Strike said there can endearing element to that sort of bluntness but you are really trying to drag PVC down now. Stop it.

Easy, he already backed off - and I don't care really, it does not touch me.

By the way, if she's a christian she should be able to forgive you.

This either tells you something about her, or about how much I hurt her.

It's not her.

[Rhyfelwyr]

It was a massive culture shock for them - the whole extended family are very anti-God and anti-Church, I was very isolated at the time. The way we get around it now is they are not allowed to ask any questions about that part of my life, and I don't offer any information.

Did they outright shun you just because of your beliefs? I mean, you would go to church on Sunday, you might not have sex before marriage etc, but how would your faith affect everyday family life? You still get up, go to work, do some chores, sit down and eat dinner the same way, dress the same way etc.

Are your family very intellectual and like to debate a lot?

I kind of get it when Christian parents get really upset if their kid turns atheist, because they may think it makes him immoral and would be worried he goes to hell. But with atheist parents and a Christian kid, at worst surely they would only think he is being a bit stupid or deluded?

To yourself - I think having read your posts for a long time you find it difficult to know where you fit into society, and until you do it's always going to be rough around the edges.

It's got to the point where I think I could feature in one of Louis Theroux's 'Weird Weekend' documentaries.

I could give you some dross about how your faith should be a calm point in your life but mine has been like being set on fire while being dipped in ice.

I think the faith in and of itself is a source of peace. It feels great knowing that God's looking out for me, it would be a lonely universe without him. But inner peace doesn't always translate into peace on the outside world.