So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that...

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

what do you wish to achieve with this thread?

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?

Yeah you're male.

Yeah, by those lights I'm Ubermale - seriously.

[rory_20_uk]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

[The Stranger]

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?

allright if thats it :P i think this belongs in the frontroom with all the other girlthreads

[Strike For The South]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

[rajpoot]

When you said "what's the protocol" I thought you wanted advice on how to go about congratulating her on the wedding.

If you don't want to do anything, do this.

Go out have a pint and move on

Then maybe have a few more and buy a pet.

[Husar]

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

[rory_20_uk]

I certainly do not think that slapping a "medical" tag on something then means one can then blame everything on this, but if one has a clearer grasp of a problem one is in a better idea to do something about it.

I can be extremely cerebral and cold (as most people here are aware). In real life I've leart to dial this down and give answers to questions that are what people want to hear, rather than what I really think. I've not bothered to try and medicalise thid by placing it on some "spectrum" or other but knowing myself in this way helps me interact with others.

Hell, all men do this - "do I look big in this", "don't make a big deal over Valentine's" etc etc. I loathe these double-speak games that stain relationships with women - but it is part of the course. I want a logical argument but have learnt that often one only gets an emotional - mess in reply. But then I am a ENTJ on the Myers Briggs's scale.

There are good sites that also say how knowing oneself and those that one is to interact with helps speak the same "language".

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

Yeah - I screwed this up too bad though.

I know what it sounds like "he's trying to rationalise away the romantic element" but no, I tried to rationalise in a romantic element because she was cute, and hey, everybody wants to find someone right?

Turns out, that was a bad idea - because I couldn't actually offer her anything other than friendship.

Why am I upset?

My friend, someone I love, is getting married and I have to ignore it because I screwed up our friendship in all sorts of ways - and I saw it coming and couldn't stop it, then I did something stupid. I gave her a choice and walked away.

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

[Fragony]

Let it go there is no fixing anyway, she is now with somebody else. I am sorry for you that it worked out this way but why persist in hurting yourself musing about what you could have done differently. Get over it, what else can you do

[Husar]

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time).

[Kralizec]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

Thank you for sharing.

I find it odd that everybody is so surprised, I supposed that everyone assumed I had sworn off women for a reason, it comes up often enough in my posts. I'm even more surprised that people seem to think contacting her is a good idea, so I'll just say it isn't.

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

[a completely inoffensive name]

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

Tbh, everyone here in the backroom is ******* weird in some way. I just took it for granted that someone would be that disconnected.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Tbh, everyone here in the backroom is ******* weird in some way. I just took it for granted that someone would be that disconnected.

I reckon if you go back through my posting history you can see her there.

2005 - You Christians are all crazy, I hate you and your poxy God!

2006-mid 08 - You guys are all going to hell, but I love you so much.

Mid 2008 - PRIMAL SCREAM OF PAIN AND RAGE

2009 - Quiet dispair

....

And now here we are.

If we were still friends, she'd probably be reading the Gay marriage topic and laughing right now, and I'd be much more touchy feely.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Seems like you only went into religion because some cute girl talked you into it and then you used/are using it as a crutch for your complete mental breakdown.