So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that...

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

Probably, I've never actually been tested but I definately have a problem with facial expressions, subtle ones at least.

I also don't laugh much, so I'm told.

I thought you were 30 something already though so what do I know

Here the internet mirrors real life, where I'm often assumed to be 5-10 years older than I am.

[rvg]

They'll only haunt me if I care.

You might care if the photo ends up costing you a lucrative contract or an executive job promotion.

[PanzerJaeger]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through so much personal turmoil. If it helps, I have found that most people are more emotionally insecure than they outwardly appear. That being said, you've expressed some fairly extreme feelings and I would concur with ACIN on looking into professional help. Therapy can be very helpful in dealing with such complex feelings. You do not have to live in pain because you are 'uber male'.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through so much personal turmoil. If it helps, I have found that most people are more emotionally insecure than they outwardly appear. That being said, you've expressed some fairly extreme feelings and I would concur with ACIN on looking into professional help. Therapy can be very helpful in dealing with such complex feelings. You do not have to live in pain because you are 'uber male'.

Thank you for your kind words.

While I accept that people here are just being presented with the end of the story and may find it very difficult to understand, this is not simply an extended bout of teenage angst. Nor is it a question of me having suffrered in silence for four years, I have discussed it with several people at my university (which is where this began) including the Chaplain.

The way I feel about this woman and the relationship I had with her is, I'm afraid, something which stems from my larger worldview and excising one would require what I consider an unacceptable rearranging of the other.

[ajaxfetish]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

Probably, I've never actually been tested but I definately have a problem with facial expressions, subtle ones at least.

I also don't laugh much, so I'm told.

It might be worth checking out. My brother-in-law has a mild case of Asperger's. He's high-functioning enough that he made it all the way through high school before his family thought to look into it. Really smart, talented, guy, but very awkward socially. After getting diagnosed, he's gone through some programs that have helped a lot in terms of reading others' emotions and having a better idea of appropriate ways to respond and interact. If it turns out there's nothing there to diagnose, then hooray! If there is something there, you could get some help and maybe end up a lot happier.

Ajax

[Visor]

It might be worth checking out. My brother-in-law has a mild case of Asperger's. He's high-functioning enough that he made it all the way through high school before his family thought to look into it. Really smart, talented, guy, but very awkward socially. After getting diagnosed, he's gone through some programs that have helped a lot in terms of reading others' emotions and having a better idea of appropriate ways to respond and interact. If it turns out there's nothing there to diagnose, then hooray! If there is something there, you could get some help and maybe end up a lot happier.

Ajax

I second this. I hold fears of my brother also having something like Aspergers/slight autism. He's smart enough to be in Uni, and in fact, is. But he is quite awkward socially and is very bad at interpreting language/expressions unless they are blindingly obvious. He's a good guy, but I do wonder sometimes, and so does my girlfriend.

[Strike For The South]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

[rajpoot]

When you said "what's the protocol" I thought you wanted advice on how to go about congratulating her on the wedding.

If you don't want to do anything, do this.

Go out have a pint and move on

Then maybe have a few more and buy a pet.

[Husar]

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

[rory_20_uk]

I certainly do not think that slapping a "medical" tag on something then means one can then blame everything on this, but if one has a clearer grasp of a problem one is in a better idea to do something about it.

I can be extremely cerebral and cold (as most people here are aware). In real life I've leart to dial this down and give answers to questions that are what people want to hear, rather than what I really think. I've not bothered to try and medicalise thid by placing it on some "spectrum" or other but knowing myself in this way helps me interact with others.

Hell, all men do this - "do I look big in this", "don't make a big deal over Valentine's" etc etc. I loathe these double-speak games that stain relationships with women - but it is part of the course. I want a logical argument but have learnt that often one only gets an emotional - mess in reply. But then I am a ENTJ on the Myers Briggs's scale.

There are good sites that also say how knowing oneself and those that one is to interact with helps speak the same "language".

[HoreTore]

You might care if the photo ends up costing you a lucrative contract or an executive job promotion.

As I said, if those pictures disqualify me, then my personality already would have.

[rory_20_uk]

People do change over time. And acts one commits under the influence of alcohol do not correlate well to what one undertakes at work.

Personally I would be very upset if a picture from years ago should preclude me from getting a CMO post.

That from a theoretical standpoint this should not do so does not alter the practical fact that it can.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

Yeah - I screwed this up too bad though.

I know what it sounds like "he's trying to rationalise away the romantic element" but no, I tried to rationalise in a romantic element because she was cute, and hey, everybody wants to find someone right?

Turns out, that was a bad idea - because I couldn't actually offer her anything other than friendship.

Why am I upset?

My friend, someone I love, is getting married and I have to ignore it because I screwed up our friendship in all sorts of ways - and I saw it coming and couldn't stop it, then I did something stupid. I gave her a choice and walked away.

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

[Fragony]

Let it go there is no fixing anyway, she is now with somebody else. I am sorry for you that it worked out this way but why persist in hurting yourself musing about what you could have done differently. Get over it, what else can you do

[CountArach]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

[Fragony]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise
anything.

From wiki

Q. Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? It would seem to me that Bipolar and some forms of Autism are equally likely to be misdiagnosed as NPD.


Good question

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

In my case it's more that I'm naturally suspicious of people because I have trouble reading them, if I do form an attachment it is extremely full on, and it tends to sneak up on me. In this case though, she didn't actually dissuade me from forming an attachment, in fact I'd say she actively encouraged it, until she dumped her then boyfriend and I think suddenly realised we were closer than she was comfortable with.

I mean, this was someone who, once upon a time, we made time for each other to meet up for at least an hour once a week outside of classes etc.

You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise anything.

Thanks Frag. A real narcissist is a self-lover (steady), it's more likely I'm emotional fixated in general.

[Fragony]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

[Fragony]

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

These moments, I collect them

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

These moments, I collect them

I collect little metal figures.

What do you collect, my idiot posts or your failures?

I'm genuinely confused.

[Fragony]

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

Sorry bad attempt at comedy

[CountArach]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

That isn't narcissism, that is introspection.

[Kagemusha]

Towards the initial question. Do what you must in order to get it out from your system. If you cant, time is your friend. It is in the past, so let go of it.

[Greyblades]

So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that the Girl-I-was-not-actually-dating-but-had-a-wierd-non-sexual-relationship-with has just got engaged.

Methinks if someone knew for sure they would make a killing in self help books. Make sure you dont do something that makes you think of any episode of Law&Order SVU.

[Husar]

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time).

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Methinks if someone knew for sure they would make a killing in self help books. Make sure you dont do something that makes you think of any episode of Law&Order SVU.

Thanks, that made me smile.

It's also good advice.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time).

I'm leaving her alone, it was the right choice four years ago - it's the right choice now.

Such is the way of things.

As to the "e-stalking" bit. Yeah, it's the facebook profile, looking at is is voyeuristic (but then I'm fairly sure she must have looked at mine in the past, but not recently). Down that road, however, lies madness and fantasies of twitching curtains.

Anyway, I'm all better now (pretty much).

[Kralizec]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

Thank you for sharing.

I find it odd that everybody is so surprised, I supposed that everyone assumed I had sworn off women for a reason, it comes up often enough in my posts. I'm even more surprised that people seem to think contacting her is a good idea, so I'll just say it isn't.

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

[a completely inoffensive name]

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

Tbh, everyone here in the backroom is ******* weird in some way. I just took it for granted that someone would be that disconnected.