[League] The Return of Askvaard Von Pizzaguy [CONCLUDED]

[Askthepizzaguy]

The League of Extraordinary Mobsters

The Return of Askvaard Von Pizzaguy






League Game
Pepperoni Lover's Division






FLASHBACK

Defense Attorney:
"Your honor, my client is clearly mentally ill. He's not competent to stand trial. I request that the charges against him be dismissed and that he be sent to a minimum security facility which can take care of his special needs."


Judge:
"On what grounds could your client be found mentally incompetent?"


Defense Attorney:
"He's convinced that a fantasy world he's created has become real. He is a long time player and host of a game called 'Mafia'. Basically, there are two sides, one with more participants, and the other...."


Judge:
"I'm familiar with the game. I've played it myself.


Defense Attorney:
"As I was saying, he was hosting one of these games and it seems that when a real serial killer showed up and began murdering his guests, he began to get suspicious, tried to solve the murders on his own without asking anyone for help, and began to lose his mental stability. When it was found out that half of his guests were dead, we think the stress of that traumatic revelation caused him to snap. He was clearly acting in what he thought was his own best interest, and the interest of his party guests, when he took that chainsaw and brutally decapitated Romanichine."


Judge:
"Some witnesses said he was still somewhat capable of telling the difference between the game and the real events."


Defense Attorney:
"Your honor, I'm not a fancy, big city lawyer or anything. But I do know that my client is presumed innocent until proven guilty. This is an innocent man, who cracked under the stress of hosting several games and being ruthlessly beaten in several others, whose long hours of reading threads, posting wild, baseless cases, and performing deep analysis that solves nothing, while living in the lamest, poorest part of the Orlando crack ghetto without even the slightest hint of female contact, eventually led to this debilitating mental breakdown we can clearly see today."

Professor Askvaard Von Pizzaguy:
"I WANNA RIDE THE PONY! Come in Houston, the space shuttle is coming in for a crash landing in the ocean... prepare the buckets of cole slaw to cushion the impact! Send the fire ships to put out the fires! CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BWOOOOOP BWWOOOOOOOP! I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there’s no one anywhere that seems to know what to do with us. Now into it. We know the air is unfit to breathe, our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They’re crazy. I’m working a single now, which means stretch-shifts, six to six, sometimes six to eight in the a.m., six days a week. It’s a hustle, but it keeps me busy. I can take in three to three-fifty a week, more with skims. I work the whole city, up, down, don’t make no difference to me – does to some. Some won’t take spooks – Hell, don’t make no difference to me. They’re all animals anyway. Don’t talk like one of them, you’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak – like me! They need you right now, but when they don’t… they’ll cast you out. Like a leper. Choose your future. Choose life… But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got 12 extra large pizzas? Look townies, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his sausage on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown! ALL ABOARD THE NIGHT TRAIN!!!!"



Defense Attorney:
"The defense rests its case."


Prosecution Attorney:
"I have nothing to add. He locked his own son alive in a refrigerator filled with flesh-eating insects after beating him within an inch of his life. He needs to be executed immediately, for the good of society and for HIS OWN SAKE, and you're all crazy if you can't see that for yourselves."


Judge:
"Unfortunately, you've just made their point for them. No sane person would do such a thing. I'm afraid I have to award custody of Askvaard Von Pizzaguy, born Herman Alouise Frinkle, alias Sergeant Peppercorn, alias Ragnar H. Dingleberry, to the Beaverhead County Calmness Sanctuary for the Criminally Interesting.


Professor Askvaard Von Pizzaguy:

"Clang ,clang, clang went the trolley
Ding, ding, ding went the bell...."

Askvaard Von Pizzaguy was carted away in a straitjacket, singing his little heart out.

He would be released from the insane asylum in 12 months on good behavior.

And I blame the bleeding heart liberals for this.

[Askthepizzaguy]

......







Twelve months have passed.







Doctor: "So, Professor. How are you feeling today?"

Askvaard Von Pizzaguy says nothing, but idly scratches his chin with his big toe.

Doctor: "Do you know why you're here?"

Professor Askvaard Von Pizzaguy: "The game."

Doctor: "Yes, because of the game. Do you remember which game?"

Professor Askvaard: "The dinner game."

Doctor: "Tell me what happened at the dinner party."

Professor Askvaard: "The mafia were brought to justice. Chicken and Soup."

Doctor: "But there wasn't any mafia. Those were characters you created. Do you remember that?"

Professor Askvaard: "Right, of course. It was just a game. A work of fiction."

Doctor: "What else happened at the party?"

Professor Askvaard: "Beef."

Doctor: "Who was Beef?"

Professor Askvaard: "The man who wouldn't play by the rules."

Doctor: "What happened to Beef?"

Professor Askvaard: "................"

Doctor: "Professor? What happened to Beef?"

Professor Askvaard: "He.... escaped."

Doctor: "Do you remember what he did at the party?"

Professor Askvaard: "He ruined my game."

Doctor: "How did he do that, Askvaard?"

Professor Askvaard: "He killed everyone..."

Doctor: "Not everyone. There were some survivors."

Professor Askvaard: "He escaped. He's going to come back. I have to stop him."

Doctor: "We need to focus on you, first. Askvaard, you suffered a mental breakdown. That's why you're here. We need to help you get better."

Professor Askvaard: "I'm much better, thank you. This straitjacket is very comfortable."

Doctor: "I'm afraid I can't agree with the optimistic assessment. You might have convinced the other doctors that you've changed, I know you, Askvaard. You're too intelligent for the standard tests. You're beating the system."


Professor Askvaard: "Even if that were so, could you prove it?"

Doctor: "No, I can't. Unfortunately, even with my objections, the board has agreed to release you as scheduled."




..........

Doctor: "You're being released today. What are you going to do now?"












Professor Askvaard: "I'm going to Disneyland!!! HEEEYAHAHAHAAA!! Wooop woop woop wooop wooop"






RULES

2) Pepperoni lover's Division
Mafia games where there is the possibility of non-vanilla roles, but they are 10 percent of the total number of roles or less. Private reveals/communication is NOT allowed, which PREVENTS TOWN NETWORKING but still allows for non-vanilla flavoring which folks so often crave.
These games will also have a standard minimum number of phases (4), and 2 murders per night. Reveal upon death not required in games with detectives (takes a bit of the punch out of detective claims).
Serial killers are allowed. No cults allowed. No third party roles allowed other than serial killer.

Other league standards:

• Talking after death is allowed, but voting after death is not allowed, and revealing of new information after death is not allowed.
• Wrath of God: Players cannot be WOG'ed unless they have failed to post for three phases, and this is still at the host's discretion. The host must post the minimum participation standards before play begins- if none are posted, WOGs for nonparticipation are not allowed. This allows for lurking as a strategy, but also allows game hosts to replace players or remove them if necessary for the sake of a game. These standards are to be expected for all divisions.

=======
SCORING
=======

• 1 point for vote sitting on a mafioso at the end of a round. Previous votes will not be counted, so points cannot be accumulated simply by changing your vote over and over.

This point is awarded even if you are mafia and you are voting for your own partner.

• 1 further point for a vote resulting in a dead mafioso. Your vote is on a mafioso at the end of a round, and it was on the successful lynch wagon.

This point is not awarded if you are a mafioso, because killing scum is not your job, killing townies is.

• 1 additional point for a townie victory- townies only.

Your team won! Hooray!

• 5 points for a mafia victory- mafia only.

Your team won! Hooray!

[Askthepizzaguy]

Sign ups for this game are unlimited, as there's only one large game scheduled this month.

Let the madness begin.



Sign-ups: [Closed. Reserve welcome!] 33


a completely inoffensive name
Arjos
atheotes
Beefy187
BSmith
Chaotix
Choxorn
Classical_hero
Csargo
DaveShack
Diana Abnoba
Double A
edse
El Barto
Ironside
Ishmael
Jarema
Johnhughthom
King Jan III Sobieski
Major Robert Dump
Memnon
Montmorency
Nightbringer
NinjaCow64
Seon
Skooma Addict
SouthernKing
thefluffyone93
The King
Tiaexz
Visorslash
wideyedwanderer
Xenoneb


RESERVE: ZACCINO THE IMMORTAL

[BSmith]

First in!

[El Barto]

In. I'm not supposed to be playing any more games, but this is too much.

[Montmorency]

In.

[Jarema]

Must be in.

[Memnon]

In, please.

[Chaotix]

Let's do this.

Do you want to move to the large slot and open up the queue for the next small game?

EDIT: Oh, you already did it yourself. Way to take the initiative there!

[Double A]

Pizza, stop pretending to be pretending to be crazy, we all know you're really a double agent for the wafflemelon people!

[Choxorn]

Insanity Pizza.

[Major Robert Dump]

I PLAY

[Seon]

Oh good, disney land. Nothing can possibly go wrong there.

In

[Arjos]

The first video had me shouting "please, make it stop", so I'm in XD

[Beefy187]

in

[Double A]

OHMYGODIT'SBEEFYHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLY CRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP

[DaveShack]

Sure, I like pepperoni.

[Csargo]

I can play gamez?

[Ironside]

Into the fray yet again

[atheotes]

In

[King Jan III Sobieski]

I'm not good with these types of games, but please put me in.

[thefluffyone93]

LET ME IN!

[Askthepizzaguy]

You say "let me in" now, but once the game begins, you'll all be screaming to be let out. Make up your minds, victims.

[Montmorency]

Strike me from the list.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

In, of course.

Eat me, Pizza thing.

EAT MEEEEEEE

[Major Robert Dump]

Don't threaten me

[thefluffyone93]

You say "let me in" now, but once the game begins, you'll all be screaming to be let out. Make up your minds, victims.

I EAT PAIN.

[Nightbringer]

IN please

[Askthepizzaguy]

Great Sasaki's ghost!

Oh, that's just his avatar.

[Ishmael]

Ooh, a league game. Fancy.

(In please!)

[NinjaCow64]

It's the legendary Askvardvonpizzaguy! Definite in.