Offspring

**ajaxfetish** · 10-31-2012, 22:48

Originally Posted by Tiaexz

I put it this way. Imagine that family together, then you simply take that one kid out of the three and they get to go Skiing, etc. How do you make the other children feel? Jealous? Rejected? They are no longer with their mother and you felt the need to rub it in, because they are not blood. It is perfectly possible for you to be an uncle to them, they might even end up viewing you as their favourite and you having a healthy relationship with them.

I think this is the key part, Kadagar. However much you feel the blood relationship matters to you, you also need to pay due attention to tact. Based on your own views, your sisters family will be all the harder to forge into a unit, since two of the kids lack a blood bond to one of the parents. If you, the extended family, are excluding them, you're weakening the part of their family bond that needs the most support. That's just rude. Deep down, you don't need to feel the same connection to them that you do to their sibling. But on the surface, you need to treat them like you do.

Ajax

**rvg** · 10-31-2012, 22:57

Originally Posted by ajaxfetish

Deep down, you don't need to feel the same connection to them that you do to their sibling. But on the surface, you need to treat them like you do.

Tact is one thing. There's little need to fake a bond that isn't there. Those kids aren't stupid, they can spot insincerity.

**Rhyfelwyr** · 10-31-2012, 23:19

I think it is impossible to know if there is a difference unless you have raised both biological and adopted kids. Who knows, there may well be foster parents that love their kids as if they were their own. Although I would think you would have to raise them from pretty young to have a proper parent-child relationship.

And although your feelings are normal Kadagar, you should try to include those kids even if they are not blood, things have probably been hard enough on them already. Even if you don't feel it, you owe it to them to try.

oh and inb4 irony of me giving advice on anything to do with human interaction...

**spankythehippo** · 11-01-2012, 00:10

Nature Versus Nurture. Nurture wins.

I grew up in an Asian family. I don't hold the same views, and couldn't care less about the lineage of my offspring (although I highly doubt I will have any). Of course, my parents want me to settle down, and have a family of my own. What they don't say, but imply, is "Spanky, get a Japanese wife".

If I ever get married, which I also highly doubt, the race of my potential significant other is irrelevant. If I like her, then it doesn't matter where she's from.

**rvg** · 11-01-2012, 00:34

Something like 90+% of people marry into the same racial, ethnic, religious and social group they were born into.

**Philippus Flavius Homovallumus** · 11-01-2012, 00:53

The "if I like her" is far more likely if you come from the same ethnic and social group - because you will have more in common.

**spankythehippo** · 11-01-2012, 01:11

Originally Posted by Philipvs Vallindervs Calicvla

The "if I like her" is far more likely if you come from the same ethnic and social group - because you will have more in common.

I'm a hairy Japanese guy with long hair and a beard that listens to death metal. How much more un-Asian can you get?

In my case, the same social group is a more viable factor than same ethnic group. I cannot say the same for the majority of other people, though.

**Papewaio** · 11-01-2012, 07:51

Originally Posted by rvg

Something like 90+% of people marry into the same racial, ethnic, religious and social group they were born into.

In Australia 80% of Indian women marry an Indian man, whilst only 10% of American women marry another American.

Chinese men are 91% likely to marry a Chinese woman.

Overall it hits around 40% mixed marriages.

**Kadagar_AV** · 11-01-2012, 09:34

Thanks for the replies :)

SFTS, anecdotal evidence wasn't really what I was after here...

Tiaexz , You talk about how adoptees become part of the family, before going on how the other family members grew cold and distant to you... Wouldn't that strengthen my point?

Also, I don't get what you meant drawing the parallel of getting a pet... Most parents would take a bullet for their kid, how many would take a bullet for their dog, or cat?

PVC, My sister and her guy has been together 3 years, but I have only been around them for 2 years as I used to live in Austria. The two other kids my sisters BF brought from his past relationship are 9 and 13. They live with their mom every other week.

There is just no chance I can see them as my family.

Not only do we not have any genetic scraps in common, they have also been raised by non-family, and continue spending 50% of the time in another family.

So... my half-sister have two "plastic kids" (Swedish term, what is the correct english one?) every other week... I do feel it hard to see much (or any) of my familys nature OR nurture in them.

The fact that the boy is a whiny girlieboy of course doesn't help, I feel like bonking him on the head when I see him.

My sister has not adopted these kids, but in Sweden it's culturally accepted that their arrangement gives her equal status in society's eyes (Sweden, remember? Basically imagine famlily views drafted HoreTore).

Ajaxfetish, as someone mentioned, I think the kids can read insincerity. Also, when I take on a child and make it my family, it means I would do ANYTHING for this kid. I just... do... not... feel.... like doing that with these 2 others.

I'm not rude to the two other or anything, I help them and behave around them like I would with, say, the kids of a work mate that you like. I take interest in them, I can toss them a favour.... But I would not let their well being and education interfere too much with my life.

Rhyf, It's not like I exclude them. If I am at their place I treat them like I do any kids (generally go down on their mental level and have fun). I'm talking about the bigger things, like, taking my youngest kid skiing for a weekend and such. I don't mind having one kid along, 3 is a whole other deal... And if two of them are ill raised "strangers"... Then...

**Ironside** · 11-01-2012, 09:29

Originally Posted by rvg

Tact is one thing. There's little need to fake a bond that isn't there. Those kids aren't stupid, they can spot insincerity.

True, but it's not that hard to treat other people's children decently. In this case, it's not to pedistal the favorite.

**Kralizec** · 11-01-2012, 17:25

Originally Posted by ajaxfetish

I think this is the key part, Kadagar. However much you feel the blood relationship matters to you, you also need to pay due attention to tact. Based on your own views, your sisters family will be all the harder to forge into a unit, since two of the kids lack a blood bond to one of the parents. If you, the extended family, are excluding them, you're weakening the part of their family bond that needs the most support. That's just rude. Deep down, you don't need to feel the same connection to them that you do to their sibling. But on the surface, you need to treat them like you do.

Ajax

This pretty much captures my thoughts on the issue. Kadagar, while your feelings are understandable, treating your biological nephew as a favourite amounts to sabotage of their new family. I wouldn't expect you to fake affection for the other two kids but you should not openly show the way you feel.

Don't take this the wrong way, but openly favoring your nephew without regard to how this looks to your sister's spouse and his kids is a little egocentric.