Sometimes I ask myself, "where are you going?" and tonight is one of those nights

[tibilicus]

I don't post here very much anymore. I often even forget to visit. This post however caught my attention as it resonated with me personally. And thus begins a wall of text.

Hooahguy, your post resonates with me a lot. I remember we joined this forum roundabout the same time and you're also the same age as me and seem to be in a similar situation. I myself am 20, soon to be 21. I'm in my final year of university. I study in politics and history at a good university with strong national and international credentials. I too have felt emotions, particularly the last few months, similar to yours. A bit of background is needed I imagine, for context. This time last year, I was loving life. I was your stereotypical university party guy. I would go out and get drunk regularly, copulate with females and some how through all of this, I pulled strong academic results. I had no idea where my life was going but I was enjoying it so figured it didn't matter. My extra curricular stuff was also largely occupied by the OTC (the UK equiviliant of the ROTC, see I told you we had a lot in common) which I enjoyed. Once summer hit and I transitioned from my second to my final year, something changed however.

That summer was spent doing a couple of weeks work experience/ interning at a PR/ Marketing company and various army stuff. I was actually going to commission to the territorial army having past my briefing and main board but something changed with that too. On Summer Leader (a pre-Sandhurst course) something inside me told me the army wasn't right for me. It was quite personal for me, I just couldn't sit with the thought of having to kill someone. This would be the case too as I was going to go into the infantry. After Summer Leader, despite loving the soldiering and even training with some ROTC guys (you guys cant tab to save your lives hehehe) I decided not to commission. I still feel this might be a regret and sometimes I think I should go back or go for regular Sandhurst. I always found exercises rewarding and I enjoyed soldiering. That seemed very different from actually being one though. Maybe I could do a none front-line role with the signals or someone but again, I was good at the soldiering stuff. My ability to put up with copious amounts of punishment served me well on 5 day field exercises.

Fast forward this year and my whole outlook has changed. I don't drink much anymore. I had a rough night at the start of the year. Woke up in hospital, face busted up, still no idea what really happened. Either fell or someone mugged me. I guess I'll never know. The damage wasn't serious, mostly superficial but I never really got drunk like I used to after that. I also gave up chasing women, it lost its appeal after I found no gratification in one night stands anymore. Further to this I'm meant to graduate this year, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I applied for quite a few jobs, all in the usual bull areas. Marketing, sales, finance, management, all stuff that I have no real interest in. In an ideal world I would like to do a master's. It's expensive to study in the UK though so I've applied to a couple of places in Europe. I still don't really know what I want from life though. I change my mind often and some days I just wish someone would appear, tell me what my dream job would be so I could get on and do it. I might try and volunteer this summer with some NGOs, spend my youth giving something back and reversing my own selfish outlook before inevitably using my late 20s to become self-centered and go into the business world.

The point is, what you're feeling is normal. A lot of my friends felt what I'm feeling earlier, I'm feeling it now. People often don't get depression, they think it makes you sad. Anyone who has actually been depressed will tell you, its worse than that. It saps your motivation, you just have no will to do anything. These days I get up at 7, go to the gym (one of the few remaining things I remain passionate for), and then work anywhere from 10-5 to 12-7. I do this 5- 6 days a week. I have 1/3 of my university degree decided in this semester and as such have little free time. Taking this weekend off almost felt forbidden. As such I don't have much of a life anymore, I also had to drop the little OTC stuff I could commit myself too. I cannot give you advice as I'm still working my way through it but I would like to say the best thing is to focus on the things you enjoy and do them, whatever they are.

I also hear you about the independence thing. its natural at this age. For me there's a couple of things I never did (i.e. learn to drive) which I want to do this summer as I feel its holding me back. I've probably been too dependent on others during my life leaving me a bit afraid to branch out. I think that's why I lack personal direction. Hopefully though things will look up. I'm not sure if any of that helped but basically, your current situation, not a unique one. I guess we should both take comfort in knowing we're both still young. Your life isn't about getting to where you want to be its about the experiences on the way to that which make life what it is.