I need advice on how to move on.

[a completely inoffensive name]

For three years I have been going out with my now ex gf. This past Sunday we broke up and it has been an absolutely devastation to me. After trying to talk things over with her today she told me that ultimately it was a long time coming. There was nothing wrong with the relationship itself she just wanted to make "stupid mistakes" with other men and focus on her career. After talking with my friends here and in RL and my family I think I can look forward to a day where I don't weep for 20 minutes. I understand that I am still young and that I should also go out and meet more people and experience new things. I am trying not to hold a grudge against her but it is difficult when sex is involved. The pain of losing my best friend in the world just feels so debilitating right now that I just want to feel normal so I can begin the process of moving on.

I have been an utter mess. I have been feeling sick since it happened on Sunday. I have not been eating (I had two bagels today and that's it) because my stomach is in constant pain and knots. I ask for advice on how I can calm down and just be rid of the pain or at least dull it down.

Also I know that I have been reluctant to improve myself because I have felt comfortable having a loving gf all this time. I want to be a better person (not for others but for myself) and I have chosen to focus on going to the gym (which I have never done) and trying harder at Starcraft (my other long term love). I just don't want to feel paralyzed anymore.

[Fragony]

'Stupid mistakes', sounds far from over to me. Sounds like she still loves you

[Andres]

I hope you got a more decent and honest explanation for the break-up than just the "it was a long time coming" and "I want to be able to make stupid mistakes" lines. If not, then I think she treated you very bad and very unfair. After three years of being together, you deserve something better than that sort of "explanation", which is, in reality, no explanation at all.

That said, there's probably nothing I can say to cheer you up, since there's only one thing that will heal this kind of wounds: time.

In my own experience, the best thing you can do now, is to avoid all contact with her (ignore her when you accidentally see her, remove her number from your phonebook, unfriend her on facebook, delete her e-mail and real adress etc etc.) and allow yourself to recover from this. Don't stay "friends" with her, it'll only make you feel even more miserable and will prevent you from "healing", since you'll keep false hope.

Do whatever the hell you want and that makes you feel a bit better during your recovery. Using the negative energy to get fit again by going to the gym seems like a good idea.

Speaking for myself, two to three months of no contact with the ex always did the trick for me when I was in your position. It was the period I needed to feel normal again. It's possible that you'll only need a few weeks, it's also possible you'll need 4 or 6 months, but you'll be fine.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I hope you got a more decent and honest explanation for the break-up than just the "it was a long time coming" and "I want to be able to make stupid mistakes" lines. If not, then I think she treated you very bad and very unfair. After three years of being together, you deserve something better than that sort of "explanation", which is, in reality, no explanation at all.

Not really much more than that. I asked directly if there was anything wrong with the relationship on my end. She said there was literally nothing wrong with the relationship we just didn't have enough time (we both have intensive uni work) for her to feel as if she is getting the attention or desire she wants. She wants to have more sex and she wants to have it with other people, doesn't want to feel tied down, wants to enjoy youth by making stupid drunken mistakes and going to parties with the rest of her classmates. Both lines you put in quotation marks were lines she said word for word.

We honestly had not seen each other in person for months, but she was willing to go through that for two years when she was at community college (we would plan 1-2 trips every quarter and spend the summer together going on trips). This past year when she finally went into a 4 year university and started experiencing the lifestyle, she grew tired of me. She says it's her failing as woman to need to have sex with a bunch of other men and to give up what she described as an otherwise perfect relationship but as of right now, she wants to throw herself onto other people.

All my friends tell me that it's really up for her to do that. I still don't hate her, but I find myself rapidly wanting to say away from her.

Also, she wants to meet up with her classmates on Sunday for me to watch a film she has been working on for months (she is a film major and this is her "final" more or less). There the plan is to say goodbye for good in person and exchange letters which we did frequently in our relationship. But right now, I think I just need to stop talking to her. Whatever she is going to say or write is just going to tear me up again.

[TinCow]

It just takes time. You're going to be miserable for a while, then you'll just be unhappy, then you'll be ambivalent, then you'll be over it. That's just how it goes. If it helps, we've all been there before and know what you're experiencing. For example, I've proposed to two women, but I've only been married once. It sucks, but life eventually goes on. In the end, things always work out for the best even if you can't imagine how right now.

[Fragony]

Not really much more than that. I asked directly if there was anything wrong with the relationship on my end. She said there was literally nothing wrong with the relationship we just didn't have enough time (we both have intensive uni work) for her to feel as if she is getting the attention or desire she wants. She wants to have more sex and she wants to have it with other people, doesn't want to feel tied down, wants to enjoy youth by making stupid drunken mistakes and going to parties with the rest of her classmates. Both lines you put in quotation marks were lines she said word for word.

We honestly had not seen each other in person for months, but she was willing to go through that for two years when she was at community college (we would plan 1-2 trips every quarter and spend the summer together going on trips). This past year when she finally went into a 4 year university and started experiencing the lifestyle, she grew tired of me. She says it's her failing as woman to need to have sex with a bunch of other men and to give up what she described as an otherwise perfect relationship but as of right now, she wants to throw herself onto other people.

All my friends tell me that it's really up for her to do that. I still don't hate her, but I find myself rapidly wanting to say away from her.

Also, she wants to meet up with her classmates on Sunday for me to watch a film she has been working on for months (she is a film major and this is her "final" more or less). There the plan is to say goodbye for good in person and exchange letters which we did frequently in our relationship. But right now, I think I just need to stop talking to her. Whatever she is going to say or write is just going to tear me up again.

You don't speak female, she is telling you you got a little boring

[Montmorency]

I avoid this problem by somehow not having any impulse to associate with others at all.

The one person I ever felt strongly toward humored me with a few 'friendly conversations', but she was visibly exasperated with me throughout them and soon found herself "too busy" to continue them.

For whatever reason I was (Platonically) besotted with her, so at first my evident inability to contribute anything meaningful to her existence tore me up -

but then I cried at home for a few minutes and all the sentiment drained out of me. Through that simple response I regained my ability to scrutinize and regard her (not sexually) as I would any other human: not resentfully or coldly or even fondly, but impassively. It was quite a relief from my earlier prepossession and preoccupation.

But that was only for a few months of association/ a few hours of conversation, and I'm of course constituted in such a way that these affections don't (with this exception) affect me. For your situation, I would advise you to embrace your 'sob-sessions' as an opportunity to eject the offending chemicals and allow your neuroplasticity to do its thing. If my words have a strong impact on you, your neurophysiology will alter subtly, but with dramatic effects over years, and it will become possible for you to embody my approach. But that's unlikely, so ultimately I suppose I'm merely indulging myself.

Generic advice: *I am aware that you have friends. Deepen your relationships with them.
*I am aware that you have academic, professional, and civic ambitions. Find out exactly how much these mean to you.
*I am aware that you have hobbies. Indulge in them (responsibly).

WARNING: If my words impact you strongly and set you onto my path, that advice will no longer apply to you. I ostensibly include this as a safety measure.

[Rhyfelwyr]

Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but I think (or maybe just want to think) that you are trolling here.

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

If this isn't a joke thread with a dash of social commentary, I think you need to follow your own advice here. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Well hopefully you won't need the second one, lol. Take a break from humanity. I know you like the philosophy side of things, so exercise your mind and body. tbh I don't even want a girlfriend, can't be bothered with them. There's so much more worthwhile stuff do be doing.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but I think (or maybe just want to think) that you are trolling here.

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

If this isn't a joke thread with a dash of social commentary, I think you need to follow your own advice here. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Well hopefully you won't need the second one, lol. Take a break from humanity. I know you like the philosophy side of things, so exercise your mind and body. tbh I don't even want a girlfriend, can't be bothered with them. There's so much more worthwhile stuff do be doing.

I really wish I was joking. But that's the sad truth. As you can imagine, it's been tearing me apart. I still have not eaten much in the past 72 hours. I tried having a bowl of cereal but I couldn't finish it, I felt like puking every time I took another bite.

So far the only time I have been able to clear my mind is by playing Starcraft. I think I will play it right now.

[TinCow]

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

You're being naïve. There's nothing wrong with a woman wanting some freedom or being interested in just having a good time without being in a serious relationship. It's actually rather common; it's 2013, not 1953. Personally, I think the world would be a far better place if everyone had a few random flings before settling down. I'd run screaming from any woman who had experienced nothing but serious relationships from teenage years to adulthood.

[a completely inoffensive name]

The Gym is good. I quit smoking recently by filling my empty nicotine-free void with exercise. Other than that, Porn. Also, go to the club this weekend to practice your flirting.

*Seriously though, young relationships are awful. They don't last, and that's probably a good thing. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Thing is I really don't want to find myself in a club. I am introverted and I am going to try to get myself to be more social in my uni organizations and at events I plan to participate in. But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

[TinCow]

But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

You're missing the point. It's not about trying to do something, it's about not trying to do something, namely not trying to find your life partner when you're still very young. Just enjoy yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Things work out well that way; they tend to go wrong when you try to force them. In order to find your partner, you first need to stop looking.

[a completely inoffensive name]

You're missing the point. It's not about trying to do something, it's about not trying to do something, namely not trying to find your life partner when you're still very young. Just enjoy yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Things work out well that way; they tend to go wrong when you try to force them. In order to find your partner, you first need to stop looking.

I'm not trying to find another girl to date. I don't want another serious relationship for a long time. I am just very reserved with myself.

[Fragony]

Thing is I really don't want to find myself in a club. I am introverted and I am going to try to get myself to be more social in my uni organizations and at events I plan to participate in. But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

Don't mind me saying, but that's what you should do, plants need water

[a completely inoffensive name]

I'm going to take it one step at a time. After finishing my work I played Starcraft today for 6 hours and for the first time I was more calm when I was playing it then when I am not. Getting so focused on the game lets me forget everything else. I had a really good night tonight, I went up an entire league and I am on the borderline for moving up into the next league after that.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym with my friend from class, we will see how that goes. I'm gonna try and tire myself out as much as I can, I'm still not sleeping that well, if at all. Today I felt a lot better. I had occasional bursts of sadness and regret but hopefully by the time this quarter ends a month from now I will be ready to do more things outside my comfort zone. I'm planning on buying tickets to the next MLG in Anaheim.

[Fragony]

I'm going to take it one step at a time. After finishing my work I played Starcraft today for 6 hours and for the first time I was more calm when I was playing it then when I am not. Getting so focused on the game lets me forget everything else. I had a really good night tonight, I went up an entire league and I am on the borderline for moving up into the next league after that.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym with my friend from class, we will see how that goes. I'm gonna try and tire myself out as much as I can, I'm still not sleeping that well, if at all. Today I felt a lot better. I had occasional bursts of sadness and regret but hopefully by the time this quarter ends a month from now I will be ready to do more things outside my comfort zone. I'm planning on buying tickets to the next MLG in Anaheim.

I am probably going to do more harm than good, but take this into consideration, she said she wanted to make mistakes, she didn't say she wanted to sleep around, as that's no mistake but a choice. She wants more out of you if you ask me. I always pay attention of how things are said; why would it be a mistake to sleep with other men? Can only be that she hasn't given up on you.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I am probably going to do more harm than good, but take this into consideration, she said she wanted to make mistakes, she didn't say she wanted to sleep around, as that's no mistake but a choice. She wants more out of you if you ask me. I always pay attention of how things are said; why would it be a mistake to sleep with other men? Can only be that she hasn't given up on you.

I asked her straight up if I wasn't doing enough. She said I did nothing wrong. "Making mistakes" is just American slang for casual sex. Every odd to suggest she hasn't given up on me when she was the one who pushed for it to end. I told her I could make more time to see her and she said there is nothing I could do, she really just wants to experience other men. I'm trying my hardest to move past her right now, please don't plant false hope in me.

[Fragony]

Give me your lust and your sorrow. sorry I didn't mean to

[Ja'chyra]

Go out with your friends get drunk and move on, best to just cut her off entirely or you'll just need to go through it all over again.

[Spoonska]

Heya, new guy here, but I'd like to pass on what I've learned through books, therapy, relationship courses, and psychology classes and hope it helps. Some of it depends on how close you guys were, but it sounds like a pretty rough breakup.Mostly it's general advice for breakups.

I'm going to assume you're in your early to mid twenties, and your girl is just looking to explore life. It happens. You can't get mad at that. In fact, if your response to her had been " Okay, I understand" and you had not said much else you would have probably flipped her shit. The simple fact is; when you're young you're still trying to figure it all out. It's kind of like college... How many times did you change your major before you settled on just one? That's why it's usually not that great of an idea to get married young. Who you are as a 21 year old , 25 year old and 29 year old mentally is going to be 3 different people. Same for your girl. You just have to let her go, appreciate the experiences and time you had together, sob a little bit, and move on.

The best thing you can do when you wake up today, tomorrow and the next day is ask yourself " What does A completely inoffensive name (lol) want to do today", and focus on that.

Just some helpful tips : Remember to eat! Sleep can be your enemy. Your regularly scheduled hours are fine of course, but if you're just sleeping all the time to avoid feelings of depression you're going to become more depressed. Surround yourself with friends. Don't have friends? Join a club. Join a gym. Exercise is an awesome way to improve your overall well being. It's not so much about avoiding dealing with your feelings. You need to deal with your feelings in a healthy way. It's about avoiding sulking, avoiding addictions and depression. Oh, and one of the most important things be sure to vent and vent a lot. It might seem really dumb, but buy yourself a journal jot down your thoughts. Get that shit of your head and into the open. Also it helps to vent to close friends and family, a therapist or your pastor if you're spiritual.

It's going to be different for everyone, but take about 3 months just to yourself before you get into another serious committed relationship or else you really won't give the next person a shot. No one likes to sit around at a dinner table and be compared. I used to know this one therapist that would tell his divorce clients "If you buy a plant, and it's alive after a year you're ready for dating" I forget what kinda plant he said to buy. Obviously a really different situation, but you get the idea. You don't have to buy a plant, but the point is that you have something you care for.

You're going to be fine in the end just remember that this has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you. Because you're fine. In fact you're probably pretty awesome.

In all seriousness though. If you just get out of the house -- start living. You'll be right as rain.

[Major Robert Dump]

Right now the cheapest airfare from LAX to the Philippines is in late June and early July.

I suggest you go.

[Strike For The South]

I'm going to say what I said earlier. Her trepidation in no way defines your worth.

Young relationships are tough, espacilly these ones that are strained by distance.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Holy hell the gym killed me today. First time I actually lifted weights in....5 years. I almost begged my partner to switch to the treadmill earlier so I wouldn't have to face the fact my arms are not what they used to be.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I asked her straight up if I wasn't doing enough. She said I did nothing wrong. "Making mistakes" is just American slang for casual sex. Every odd to suggest she hasn't given up on me when she was the one who pushed for it to end. I told her I could make more time to see her and she said there is nothing I could do, she really just wants to experience other men. I'm trying my hardest to move past her right now, please don't plant false hope in me.

When we were winding up university (so 21-22) exactly this happened to one of my friends, his girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted to do other things and "be on her own".

She's not exactly saying you're not good in bed, or she wants to get out and do the dirty with lots of other men. She's saying she's too comfortable and she's bored - that's her problem. In a couple of years she'll be kicking herself, which sucks for both of you but that's how it goes some times.

About the crying thing - yeah that takes a while to stop. With me I tend to get it constantly for a couple of weeks before it eases off, so if you've got dry eyes right now you're doing well.

I think one piece of advice I could give is go out and meet new people - not to date - new people won't know you as you were before when she was a part of your life. Then don't talk about her - just be yourself without her.

Basically - if you've been together for a while that a whole chunk of your life has just fallen apart, things you used to do together, mutual friends, places, her friends you got on with. You'll be able to salvage a bit of that, but most of it will either fizzle out through awkwardness or has already outright blown up.

So - time to do new things, not old things. Take up a new sport, start a new series of books - learn to cook.

Stop playing Starcraft.

[a completely inoffensive name]

When we were winding up university (so 21-22) exactly this happened to one of my friends, his girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted to do other things and "be on her own".

She's not exactly saying you're not good in bed, or she wants to get out and do the dirty with lots of other men. She's saying she's too comfortable and she's bored - that's her problem. In a couple of years she'll be kicking herself, which sucks for both of you but that's how it goes some times.

About the crying thing - yeah that takes a while to stop. With me I tend to get it constantly for a couple of weeks before it eases off, so if you've got dry eyes right now you're doing well.

I think one piece of advice I could give is go out and meet new people - not to date - new people won't know you as you were before when she was a part of your life. Then don't talk about her - just be yourself without her.

Basically - if you've been together for a while that a whole chunk of your life has just fallen apart, things you used to do together, mutual friends, places, her friends you got on with. You'll be able to salvage a bit of that, but most of it will either fizzle out through awkwardness or has already outright blown up.

So - time to do new things, not old things. Take up a new sport, start a new series of books - learn to cook.

Stop playing Starcraft.

I agree with every thing you said except about StarCraft. I'm making friends on StarCraft and I feel happy when I play it.

EDIT: Ugh, I thought I would have dry eyes for today but I guess not.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I am getting ready to do the nuclear option and cut off all communication from her. It's going to blindside her for sure. We have been such great friends for so long. But I have gone from literally melting down in agony for 6 hours at a time, not sleeping/eating at all for the next day, to being more social in my life and dealing with strong but temporary anxiety attacks at night. However, I every time I even see a tweet or see a post on facebook, it just stirs the pot. And I get into a tailspin quickly. She expects to meet up on Sunday to watch the film she has been working on for so long with the rest of her classmates and friends. But I am planning on spending my saturday with family and I am going to drop off a letter at her house on my way up explaining why I need to cut myself off from her, at least for the near future. I will say a few other things on my mind which I feel are important and then when I get home I am pulling the trigger.

[Fragony]

I hope pulling the trigger is also an expression I don't understand. You need some friends around you to help you through this

[a completely inoffensive name]

I hope pulling the trigger is also an expression I don't understand. You need some friends around you to help you through this

It's a poor expression on my part. It's sometimes used to mean committing suicide, but I didn't want to convey that. It's also used in a hyperbolic way of saying "committing to an action". When I get home I am going to commit myself to the plan of cutting off all contact with her.

I am making friends as fast as I can. Sort of difficult in the middle of the school term though. But I am at least doing more things with the friends I already have rather than staying home.

[Fragony]

Gotcha, carefull with expressions, it may look as if non-english here actually speak English but if you haven't lived there you don't understand it

[TinCow]

I am getting ready to do the nuclear option and cut off all communication from her. It's going to blindside her for sure. We have been such great friends for so long. But I have gone from literally melting down in agony for 6 hours at a time, not sleeping/eating at all for the next day, to being more social in my life and dealing with strong but temporary anxiety attacks at night. However, I every time I even see a tweet or see a post on facebook, it just stirs the pot. And I get into a tailspin quickly. She expects to meet up on Sunday to watch the film she has been working on for so long with the rest of her classmates and friends. But I am planning on spending my saturday with family and I am going to drop off a letter at her house on my way up explaining why I need to cut myself off from her, at least for the near future. I will say a few other things on my mind which I feel are important and then when I get home I am pulling the trigger.

I think that's a good idea. You need to move on, and you're not going to do that when she's regularly in your face. It's theoretically possible to remain friends with an ex, but it's very difficult and it rarely works out well. I don't think this case has much hope to be that exception. She might be perfectly happy to have you around as a friend, but you would be tortured by her presence and her social interactions with other men. Cut the cord and move on, it'll be much easier for you that way.