I think what you guys are describing is a dead give away sign that you're actually playing below you skill-levels, and then you essentially complain about it. A circumstance that you guys have in large part generated and created yourselves.
Your're right about all but complaining. I play the way I like. Don't take it personally. You've made a great mod but there is a lot of hardcoded limits you can't do much about (especially AI). I can fight battles with green, low end units when I'm forced to (and I still enjoy it) but it feels like I failed as a king (or diplomat). When a battle is played not on my terms or when I'm surprised by an enemy attack it means that something went wrong. I try to avoid such situations as much as I can. It usually leads to turtling and I can't help it.

The other thing is that I like to watch. I keep low at the start and observe the others. I like when an other country becomes strong and its big armies provide a real threat for me. When you attack quick and become a dominating power, the whole game starts to revolve entirely around you. The moment when you have the most provinces and biggest army everyone becomes hostile or neutral (at best) to you even if there is no sense in it. After several turns, when you have to fight a few battles every turn, it starts to feel like a hard, dull work. I like to play a battle from time to time, especially a challenging one, but playing a few battles, turn by turn, is boring. That's why I've never finished any campaign.

Considering battles - I don't play MTW right now so I can't show you any battle (I'll record one or two next time). Generally, my strategy concentrates around luring enemies into attacking me where I want to be attacked. The AI tends to underestimate the quality of units and it leads to tragic results. When I have a fully prepared army I soften my border forces to 16 or sometimes even less units. AI attacks, gets beaten, I attack the province where the decimated army retreated (usually winning easily) and... process repeats. Winning battles (attacking or defending) is not a big deal when you have 16 high quality units commanded by a good general. I know, it's very secure way of playing but I like it.

Veteran level - when battles change into slaughterhouse because of increased morale? Not a fan of. I haven't played on this difficulty for a long time but I'll try it next time in Redux.