funny religious jokes

[total relism]

Please add on to them.



Funny pastor rap
http://www.godvine.com/Hilarious-Rap...ign=10-22-2012


Dane Cook - Catholic and Church[/B]
http://vodpod.com/watch/180680-dane-...lic-and-church

Jim Gaffigan - Jesus - Beyond the Pale
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k_9mXpNdgU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1t3B7FZpmI


Hilarious Signs: 15 Hilarious Church Signs
http://www.oddee.com/item_86516.aspx
http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/funny_church_signs.htm
http://www.funnysigns.net/category/church/



"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King.


What do you get when you mix a atheist with a Jehovah witness?...... someone who knocks on your door for no reason.


if you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed..


Maybe the atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown




One day a priest was playing baseball. A nun was cheerleading near first base. The priest was up to bat. The pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said "Dammit! I missed!"

"Don't you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

Again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said "Dammit! I missed!"

"If you say that one more time mister, God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

Once again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said "Dammit! I missed!"

A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says "Dammit! I missed!"




how do they make holy water?........ they boil the hell out of it.


Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.



A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


A atheist was late for a very important business meting, but could not find a parking space so he prayed to god, god please help me find a space this job is so important to me just help me this one time and ill start going to church and donate my money, Just than a space opens up and the atheist says oh never mind i found a spot


A man was out at sea and his ship sunk, he was floating around praying for god to save him.
About a hour later a boat came buy and threw out a life vest, he did not take it he said god will save him, He kept praying another hour pased and another boat came same thing.He said no god will save me, Than a third time still he would not acept help. He believed he was a pious man and if god wanted to save him he would.Later he finally grew tired and drowned, When he was up in hevan he said to god why did you not save me i prayed and prayed? God said i sent you three boats what more did you want?

police stop woman in car

cop- what are you drinking mam?
woman- oh just water
cop-no that is wine
woman- jesus did it again.


A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister...
A priest, rabbi and minister went fishing in a boat on a lake. The priest said that he was thirsty, stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to shore where he purchased a can of soda. After he returned in the same manner the minister thought the soda was a good idea so he also stepped out of the boat and walked on the water to shore for a soda. After he returned the rabbbi decided to follow their exampled. He took one step out of the boat and promptly sank out of sight.The priest turned to the minister. "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."



Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.""Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.




Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The flight to Egypt," said Kyle."I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms.Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?""Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.



A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture. The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"



How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~Woody Allen, "Selections from the Allen Notebooks," Without Feathers, 1975

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. Really. ~Lenny Bruce, "Religions Inc.," in The Essential Lenny Bruce, ed. John Cohen, 1967

[Montmorency]

Religious Progress: Tripping backward onto your ass, then climbing to your knees - R. Scott Bakker

[Kadagar_AV]

Religion.

[Fragony]

God and Satan have a dispute. God: I am going to sue you. Satan: good luck finding a lawyer (soz Tincow)

[Sigurd]

#1

What is higher than the highest?
What is lower than the lowest?
What is greater than God
and what is worse than the devil?
The dead eats it, but the living can not.



#2

[total relism]

No one else has anything?

[Kadagar_AV]

No one else has anything?

See it more like a popularity thingy.

This is the forum equivalence of the fat guy who gets picked last in school yard soccer.

[Fisherking]

a boring night...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" A little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[rajpoot]

Your other threads are funnier.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Yeah that was a joke. Or was it?
Seriously though nice jokes

[Fisherking]

Two nuns are riding bikes down the street.

One says, “I’ve never come this way before”.

The second sister say, “It’s the cobble stones”.

[Seamus Fermanagh]

I work at a university, and consequently I am only allowed to laugh at religious jokes that ridicule Catholics.

[Kadagar_AV]

Shouldn't this be part 8 btw?

[InsaneApache]

A bloke dies and goes to heaven. Whilst standing at the pearly gates, he sees and old guy with long grey hair walking about in a white coat, deep in thought.

"Who's that?" says the bloke to St. Peter.

"Oh him?" says Pete. "That's God, he thinks he's a doctor."


Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter. . . Peter. . ."

"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter. . . Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.

Again he hears, "Peter. . . Peter. . ." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter. . . Peter. . . look, I can see your house from here."

[Fisherking]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."




I divorced her a while later though.

[total relism]

great post above


police stop woman in car

cop- what are you drinking mam?
woman- oh just water
cop-no that is wine
woman- look at that, jesus did it again.

[Fisherking]

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. St.Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," St.Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked St.Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"