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Thread: Proofreading

  1. #1

    Default Proofreading

    Hi all!

    As this is my first post, I might as well introduce myself: I'm Michael, and I've been a long time fan of Europa Barbarorum, a patient lurker on these boards, and I'm also very interested in linguistics!

    That last part should explain this thread, as I will be proofreading and correcting the copious amounts of text in this wonderful mod. Besides that, I will also suggest some slight amendments for ease of reading.

    I'm starting with the province descriptions (taken from province_descriptions.xml), using plenty of spoiler tags, so people won't have to scroll for hours! I will be adding the original text and an amended version for each part of the province description, so people can review and compare with the original text. If you have any questions regarding my corrections, don't hesitate to ask (preferably by PM). I will of course credit you with any corrections suggested!

    Anything changed is in bold.

    I will be making a new post for each province, and editing each where needed, for example if I cannot finish text in one sitting

    Province 001 - Iuerion (North-eastern Ireland) [Unfinished]

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    Traveller's Log:

    Original
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Across wind whipped, slate grey seas, in a boat of wicker and leather goes the traveller. To the land at the end of the world, the land where hazel forests cloak the wilds, where hills rise and fall like the seas which surround this land. A land of savage, wave wrought coasts and smooth saffron beaches, of dark brooding bogs and fields of emerald grass. The land of magic, the land which time forgot, the land of Iuerion. Iuerion is a mystery even to the Pritanoi, despite the peoples being cousins and speaking a closely related tongue. On Iuerion you will find no towns or markets, no ports or great empires, but instead mighty monuments litter the land, witness to times past and present. Monuments of white limestone or earth clad timbers, monuments which align with the sun and the stars, monuments which unite a disparate people into a single community. Iuernion is a land without empires or even great kingdoms, yet it has more kings than anywhere upon the verdant sphere which our race calls home. There is no coinage and even gold is a rarity, instead, cattle are currency and a bucket of butter is a mark of wealth. Living in thatched huts, surrounded by ditches and earthen banks, the people of this land may appear backward and simple compared to others, but as with so many things on this island, appearances are deceptive. For the people of Iuerion, although they may not clad themselves in diadems or purple robes, are rich. They are rich in poetry and stories; this is a land where the bards and poets can justly claim to equal the works of the famed Homer. They are a people rich in courage, and although they make not trust themselves to iron mail or helmets of bronze, their spears and swords, driven home by their sinewy limbs and wild hearts, will still kill any man. Nor are they simple for they are master craftsmen in iron, bronze and gold and can easily equal the works of the Keltoi in middle Europe. This then is a land of magic and shadows, where might and beauty hide behind simplicity and vulgarity, where bogs are temples, and temples unite an island, where men will clad themselves in coarse wool yet can work gold like the heavenly smith Ambaxtonos, a land where the written word is unknown yet the bards breath epic tales.


    Corrected
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Across wind whipped, slate grey seas, in a boat of wicker and leather, the traveller goes, to the land at the end of the world. A land where hazel forests cloak the wilds, where hills rise and fall like the seas surrounding this land. This is a land of savage, wave wrought coasts and smooth saffron beaches, of dark brooding bogs and fields of emerald grass. The land of magic, the land which time forgot, the land of Iuerion. Iuerion is a mystery even to the Pritanoi, despite its people being cousins and speaking a closely related tongue. On Iuerion you will find no towns or markets, no ports or great empires, instead, mighty monuments litter the land, witness to times past and present. Monuments of white limestone or earth clad timbers, monuments which align with the sun and the stars, monuments which unite a disparate people into a single community. Iuerion is a land without empires or even great kingdoms, yet it has more kings than anywhere upon this verdant sphere we call home. There is no coinage and gold is a rarity. In their stead, cattle is currency and a bucket of butter is a mark of wealth. Living in thatched huts, surrounded by ditches and earthen banks, the people of this land may appear backward and simple compared to others, but as with so many things on this island, appearances are deceptive, for the people of Iuerion, although they may not clad themselves in diadems or purple robes, are rich. They are rich in poetry and stories; this is a land where the bards and poets can justly claim to equal the works of the famed Homer. They are a people rich in courage, and although they may not trust* themselves to iron mail or bronze helmets, their spears and swords, driven home by their sinewy limbs and wild hearts, will still kill any man. Nor are they simple, for they are master craftsmen in iron, bronze and gold and can easily equal the works of the Keltoi in middle Europe. This, then, is a land of magic and shadows, where might and beauty hide behind simplicity and vulgarity, where bogs are temples, and temples unite an island, where men will clad themselves in coarse wool yet can work gold like the heavenly smith Ambaxtonos, a land where the written word is unknown yet the bards breathe epic tales.

    Not sure about the usage of the verb "to trust to" here. If anyone can advise?


    Geography:

    Original
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    The area of Iuerion (and the region of Eremos to the south of it) corresponds with island of Ireland and a small section of the south west coast of modern day Scotland. The actual province of Iuerion today incorporates the Irish province of Ulster, as well as some parts of neighbouring Leinster and Connaught, and the Scottish regions of Argyll, Bute, Wigtownshire, Kirkudbrightshire and Ayshire. It is an Atlantic region, prone to frequent rains and occasional strong winds but, by virtue of the Gulf Stream, mild winters and summers. The geography of Iuerion (strictly speaking the geography of Ireland, which this province is primarily intended to represent) is varied. The western coast, as a result of being exposed to the Atlantic, is a rugged place with numerous islands and sheer cliff faces. The east and southern coasts are less dramatic and have numerous beaches and natural harbours. The northern coast is a mixture of both. In some places, such as County Antrim, the coast line is as dramatic as it is on the eastern coast, with cliff faces and fascinating geology such as the Giant's Causeway. In other areas, such as County Donegal and Belfast, the coastline is gentle and easily accessible from the sea. Unlike Albion, where the soils are capable of supporting a wide variety of crops, wheat is difficult to grow in Iuerion and thus people relied much more heavily on oats and barley than they did elsewhere in Europe (the arrival of the potato to this part of the world would have a profound effect as it could be grown almost anywhere on the island). The difficulty in growing some types of crops is compensated for by the fact Iuerion has some of the best pasture in western Europe. It is because of these grasses that the land is nicknamed "The Emerald Isle". By the start of the Iron Age much of the climax forest on Iuerion had been cleared, although some patches continued to exist in less accessible parts of the country. Evidence does show that hazel was becoming an increasingly common species, as were other fast growing species. Hazel, because it grows rapidly and produces flexible, straight timbers, had been favoured since the Mesolithic both for tools and as an additional food source, and it is one of the first trees for which we have evidence of deliberate cultivation. The fauna of Iuerion is less varied than that of other regions of Europe or Albion. By the Iron Age wolves and wild boar still existed in the island, and it is possible that lynx and bears (three Iron Age sculptures of bears are known from Cathedral Hill, County Armagh) continued to do so. Red deer had been deliberately introduced by humans in the Neolithic. Iuerion is home to a few unique species such as the Irish hare, a subspecies of the European mountain hare. The rivers and coastline of Iuerion are home to a wide variety of marine life including puffin, basking shark, salmon and trout. During prehistory the population made much use of eels and they may have hunted the, now extinct, great auk.


    Corrected
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    The area of Iuerion (and the region of Eremos to the south of it) corresponds with island of Ireland and a small section of the south-west coast of modern day Scotland. The actual province of Iuerion today incorporates the Irish province of Ulster, as well as some parts of neighbouring Leinster and Connaught, and the Scottish regions of Argyll, Bute, Wigtownshire, Kirkudbrightshire and Ayshire. It is an Atlantic region, prone to frequent rains and occasional strong winds, but, by virtue of the Gulf Stream, mild winters and summers. The geography of Iuerion (strictly speaking the geography of Ireland, which this province is primarily intended to represent) is varied. The western coast, as a result of being exposed to the Atlantic, is a rugged place with numerous islands and sheer cliff faces. The east and southern coasts are less dramatic and have numerous beaches and natural harbours. The northern coast is a mixture of both. In some places, such as County Antrim, the coast line is as dramatic as it is on the eastern coast, with cliff faces and fascinating geology such as the Giant's Causeway. In other areas, such as County Donegal and Belfast, the coastline is gentle and easily accessible from the sea. Unlike Albion, where the soils are capable of supporting a wide variety of crops, wheat is difficult to grow in Iuerion and thus people relied much more heavily on oats and barley than they did elsewhere in Europe (the arrival of the potato to this part of the world would have a profound effect as it could be grown almost anywhere on the island). The difficulty in growing some types of crops is compensated for by the fact Iuerion has some of the best pasture in western Europe. It is because of these grasses that the land is nicknamed "The Emerald Isle". By the start of the Iron Age much of the climax forest on Iuerion had been cleared, although some patches continued to exist in less accessible parts of the country. Evidence does show that hazel was becoming an increasingly common species, as were other fast growing species. Hazel, because it grows rapidly and produces flexible, straight timbers, had been favoured since the Mesolithic both for tools and as an additional food source, and it is one of the first trees for which we have evidence of deliberate cultivation. The fauna of Iuerion is less varied than that of other regions of Europe or Albion. By the Iron Age wolves and wild boar still existed in the island, and it is possible that lynx and bears (three Iron Age sculptures of bears are known from Cathedral Hill, County Armagh) continued to do so. Red deer had been deliberately introduced by humans in the Neolithic. Iuerion is home to a few unique species such as the Irish hare, a subspecies of the European mountain hare. The rivers and coastline of Iuerion are home to a wide variety of marine life including puffin, basking shark, salmon and trout. During prehistoric times, the population made much use of eels and they may have hunted the now extinct great auk.


    To be continued once I've had some rest!

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  2. #2
    COYATOYPIKC Senior Member Flatout Minigame Champion Arjos's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proofreading

    Hi Michael and welcome, thank you very much for the help ^^

    Regarding the trust usage, what about changing the phrase to "may not clad themselves in"?

  3. #3
    EB annoying hornet Member bovi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proofreading

    Thanks for this. I agree with most of your changes so far, it becomes more readable this way. It is perhaps still harder to read than necessary, better punctuation and splitting into more paragraphs may be the ticket. Some sentences contain a huge amount of sub-sentences!

    Note that you won't need to mark each change, if it costs you any significant time to do so. When we paste it over the existing description, we can see the changes highlighted automatically with the diff tool before committing the change to the build.

    About the trust thing, I'd reword it to something like this:

    They are a people rich in courage. They may not cover themselves in iron mail or bronze helmets, but their spears and swords will still kill any man, driven home by their sinewy limbs and wild hearts.
    Last edited by bovi; 08-27-2014 at 21:43.

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  4. #4

    Default Re: Proofreading

    Quote Originally Posted by bovi View Post
    Thanks for this. I agree with most of your changes so far, it becomes more readable this way. It is perhaps still harder to read than necessary, better punctuation and splitting into more paragraphs may be the ticket. Some sentences contain a huge amount of sub-sentences!
    I agree that's the case, I did not want to change to much the first time around. I will try a rewrite of the first segment, to keep the same info, but make it slightly more manageable (or less sub-sentency ;) )

    I will also try a rewrite of the traveller's log in first person point of view, which would make it more like an actual traveller's log. I will update my post later today.

    Quote Originally Posted by bovi View Post
    About the trust thing, I'd reword it to something like this:

    They are a people rich in courage. They may not cover themselves in iron mail or bronze helmets, but their spears and swords will still kill any man, driven home by their sinewy limbs and wild hearts.
    I like this option, (I also agree with your suggestion Arjos), but this one makes the sentence a bit easier to digest.

  5. #5
    EB annoying hornet Member bovi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Proofreading

    Quote Originally Posted by Michael King View Post
    I will update my post later today.
    Sorry, could you post again here when you consider that it's done? I can't be sure as long as it says you'll continue when you've had some rest...

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