IMMIGRATION thread

[Myth]

Today I crossed the border illegally and entered Saudi Arabia. On the way I threw away my identity card, issued by the police department of Burgas and I told the border patrol that I'm a refugee from Donbass who is looking for salvation from the terror of Putin. They believed me immmediately and put me on the train to Riyadh. They provided accomodations for me in a 3 star hotel, even though there was a 5 star hotel nearby and they told me that tomorrow they will provide a flat for me. On the morning they started apologizing that my moving in the new apartament will be delayed for an entire day. That infuriated me. I stomped on the food some teary eyed human rights activists brought to me, I splashed the water bottle in their faces, I vandalized the stupid hotel room and the couch and armchairs I threw directly out of the balcony. Some people on the street started yelling at me but the hotel manager told them that I have come from a war zone, that I bear in my soul the scars of war and that I have been deeply traumatized, and as such they have to show compassion and understanding. They bought it.

On Thursday they threw out an elderly arabian couple out of the flat provided to them by the municipality so that I may move in. The old folks had the audacity to protest against this so the police had to step in and now they will be tried for misdemeanor. I however, was greeted by children bearing boquets of flowers in front of the apartment building. King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud showed up from somwhere and took a selfie with me. They gave me 2000 dollars so that I can cover my most immediate needs.

On Friday a social worker visited me. He brought me a pamphlet with the first 10 amendments of the Arabic constitution, translated to my native ukranian tongue and he asked me if I need anything. "Tell that guy who keeps shouting every morning from the minaret to keep it down, he is interfering with my sleep" I told him and he diligently wrote it down. On Sunday I walked around to look at the local girls, but they were all wrapped tightly like mummies. I was enraged and on Monday I issued an offical complaint to the mayor. On the same day the principal of the local high school issued a proclamation towards the school girls to refrain from waring burqas, because they are hurting my feelings. He suggested that in the future they should dress witih tank tops and mini skirts, becasue my European culture demands that I look at breasts and thighs. This was made into a pamphlet and was issused to the parents so that they may infrom themselves and take action.

I also complained about the food to the social worker. Lamb is too greasy for my delicate stomach and beef is too tough and it wears out my teeth. I explained that I preffer tender pork - steaks, fillet or at the very least, rump. He promissed me that he would take action. Now all the kebab shops in the neighborhood have been instructed not to shove lamb so openly in my face so that they don't cause me distress.

It's not easy being a migrant! Now I had to drag myself 300 meters to get my social benefits - not even a full 2000 dollars! That threw me into a rage and I took it out on a school girl. "Why are you wearing a burqa you whore, I told you to wear a mini skirt!" I yelled at her. She had the audacity to talk back to me so I slapped her around a bit. I considered dragging her to the nearby bushes and raping her but when I thoguht how much work it would be to unwrap her from her clothes I gave up. I later learned that her brothers had issues with me slapping her around and they filed a complaint with the police and started collecting signatures against my person. The minister of internal affairs had to step in and defend me publicly on TV. "We have to be tolerant of the christians and we must hope that tomorrow, when they ar the majority in Saudi Arabia, they will show similar compassion for us." he stated.

This morning I told the social worker that I'm bored to death and I ordered him to get a move on and to organize some entertainment for me - a gay parade or something. He oggled me but I explained that we are living in the 21st century and that new values must be enforced. "Every marriage should be a same sex marriage and every man - a mother!" I stated matter-of-factly. I'm not sure he understood me, but he wrote it down.

After lunch some people from a social research company came over to interview me. I was honest and I told hem that I deeply despise the country which has sheltered me, but I have nothing against being fed and given wellfare. Not at all.

The issue with the school girl started gaining popularity again and the national television invited members of America for Saudi Arabia, Open Society and the Arabian Helsinki Commitee. They all agreed that I have been unjustly slandered and that my enemies are xenophobes, racists, facists, cannibals and christianophobes. Half of them have been raped by their fathers as children or they have slept with their mothers. I calmed down because I learned that only the scum of this society hates me and that the progressive part of it stands behind me. Today, the social worker asked me if I want to start working, but I replied that I still don't feel quite integrated yet, so I will stay on state benefits. True, it's only a mesely 2000 dollars but I'll have to endure!