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Thread: Krast's Desert Episode

  1. #1
    Senior Member Senior Member Krasturak's Avatar
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    One day Krast was hungry and he had no soup, nothing to eat, very sad, see Krast weep.

    But Krast had his axe, like usual, was kept sharp and ready even though Krast tired and unhappy and no food and so on. Because Krast was trained by RageMonsta to never let his guard down for an instant, blah blah blah.

    So, this hungry Krast was really getting into despair, like real self-pity going on, staring around, mumbling, paranoid, sweating and all that.

    And at that point you might be wondering how Krast ended up in this sorry situation, and the answer is long. And boring. But it had something to do with Krast's author buying this MTW thing and taking Krast out of his nice comfy Shoggy Werld and putting him in this wierd, unnatural setting with giant guns on wheels and cavalry that don't speak Japanese and so Krast, despite being a Mighty Warrior in the Shoggy Werld, was reduced to being only a feeble twit in the MTW Werld.

    Which meant that Krast's Evil Army of non-Yari spearmen and not-quite-humble-enough Sergeants got their asses kicked. And Krast, even though his band of Royal Knights ought to have defended him to the last man, found himself deserted on the battlefield with only loose, wandering crowds of Evil Army guys running around saying, like, I'm scared cause my friends are all running around saying, like, I'm scared cause my friends are all running around saying, like, I'm scared cause my friends are all running around saying, like, I'm scared cause my friends are all running around saying, ...

    And there was Krast, and he had no choice, absolutely none because not one of his dumb european men would take even the slightest notion to cut off Krast's head for him, and the enemy army coming closer and chasing all the routing men, so Krast had to flee. That's right, flee. Is too dangerous, maybe get captured, shame everlasting, RageMonsta never let Krast out of Rage Castle again ever if get caught by these enemy MTW guys.

    So Krast rides away, flees, skulks, roams, travels, lurks, explores, wanders, and ends up in land full of nothing to eat, sand in all directions. And Krast, being a Crafty Fellow, thinks Gah Krast will eat horse Gah and this saves Krast for a while until the jackals come at night and steal away the many kilograms of horse-flesh Krast had carefully left lying out in plain view near the fire to rot before pot and cook and eat it.

    So that's how it came about, see? Krast, axe, dust, sky, nothing else.

    And then >KABOOM< is big display of thunderbolts and magic stuff and all this Bosdur-sent-to-Krast-as-a-nice-gesture stuff. Which is very entertaining to the eye and fills the mind with Glorious Anger and Awesome Rage and maybe even a little Envy-of-the-Gods, which is what Krast lives for and so thanks Bosdur is what Krast is thinking when it is all over.

    But then Krast sees no Bosdur, Krast looks sees little yellow creature. Now, as you know, Krast and yellow are, like, the same. Krast *is* yellow, and, seeing a creature yellow in colour makes Krast think, ho hum, is part of Evil Army belongs to Krast. No biggie.

    But the little yellow creature/guy/thing says Pika Pika Tchoo at Krast, not Tarranakian speech at all, which is more like Zrxh Gnish Prfrgz, making Krast confused.

    Now, at this point in the story, this is where we must deviate from the plot slightly to explain how serious a situation this is. After all, it isn&#39;t everyday that Krast gets confused (well, not *every* day), and, maybe, you not ever see it happen or get told by friendly guy like Elmo: Krast confused, bad. Because when Krast gets confused it&#39;s a good idea to move away. Like, fast. Maybe take a trip. Maybe go back inside castle and lock gates. Maybe go hide behind MagyarKhan or FearAMP or someone even larger. Because a confused Krast is a dangerous animal, liable to spit blood, gnash teeth, tell lies, grab and bite, and so on. Even is possible (if not, likely) for a confused Krast to smite with axe. Randomly. Even without really realizing he&#39;s doing it.

    So Krast is explaining now about what happened to the little yellow creature/guy/thing. Krast was confused, so it isn&#39;t Krast&#39;s fault, especially with him being too hungry and wandering for weeks in the desert and all that part Krast already described. But Krast did the &#39;smite with axe&#39; part of his &#39;acting out while confused&#39; routine, and, wouldn&#39;t you know it, the little yellow creature/guy/thing was standing right in front of Krast when he did it. And, well, sometimes when axes are smiting, heads do (sometimes, if not often) get cut off and so Krast was standing there, in this case, with the little yellow creature/guy/thing&#39;s head in hand. And axe in other hand, and big clean-up and explanation job to do in the morning.

    So, head-ache developing into a Legendary Phenomenon, Krast sat down and started scratching notes in the sand with his claws (which is hard work for Krast since Krast cannot read), to make it easier to figure out the right way to explain to Bosdur how it came to be that his little yellow creature/guy/thing that he sent to talk to Krast became just a little bit ... uh ... dead.

    *stirs pot*

    But now Krast has to tell the really embarrassing, probably-worse-than-TeraGate, scandalous, hide-head-in-sand part.

    Krast, being all worried, got even more hungry than before (if you can believe that possible) and Krast decided, without considering the potential emotional bond between Bosdur and the little yellow creature/guy/thing, well, Krast decided to eat it.

    Just a little, mind you. Not whole little yellow creature/guy/thing, just small part, you not need it, creature/guy/thing dead anyhow already.

    *stirs pot more*

    Yeah, so, Krast so hungry, really no choice, Krast not want to be stuck in middle of dusty, flat, boring, isolated, forgotten, not-Tarranak part of MTW Werld anyhow, to begin with. So, Krast eats.

    *reaches in pot*

    *pulls out rotting, boiled, yellow, creature/guy/thing head part*

    *gnaws on head*

    >>>GORFLE

  2. #2

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    That is one seriously messed up story
    I like it

    Twas a pity about Pikachu though You should have roasted him with herbs just like a chicken. :froggy looks worried as Krast waves an axe at her: Then again head soup is fine, the best thing you could have done and an excellent idea
    Frogbeastegg's Guide to Total War: Shogun II. Please note that the guide is not up-to-date for the latest patch.


  3. #3
    Senior Member Senior Member Krasturak's Avatar
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    ... and then there was the time Krast encountered the Legendary Wrod Mnaggler.

    This was during the Time of Extreme Confusion, when Krast was preparing to leave for his much-resented summer coffination period, about which some of you might already have heard.

    At any rate, Krast was short of time. And he wanted to send good-bye messages to his many Shoggy and Medieval Werld pals, since Krast was going to be away for a long time.

    But, as you might suspect, this was difficult for Krast, who, not only being illiterate but also hungry, was having a Terrible Time drafting these messages.

    He tried scribbling with pencils and paper, but the pencils, being wooden but not strong like Krast&#39;s axe-haft (more on this later) but wooden and weak like bamboo shoots, always broke when Krast grabbed them with his furry paws.

    He tried arranging piles of heads in shapes like words, but the local vultures always appeared after Krast was finished (which took ages) and scrambled the head-piles with their eating while Krast was resting in his coffin.

    He tried cutting blocks of stone from the quarry in the shapes of letters, but always got the shapes wrong. Not to mention all the broken claws on Krast&#39;s hands. And Krast was rapidly running out of ideas, after cleverly inventing three different not-working ways to do it.

    So, fortunately for Krast, at this time appeared near Krast the Wrod Mnaggler.

    Gah said Krast, as usual.

    Gagh? said the Wrod Mnaggler, returning the greeting in her own way.

    So, as it developed, the Wrod Mnaggler had heard of Krast&#39;s predicament and had come to offer her help, being as she was a Great Author and Capable Amphibian, and also being able to - not only - read, but also knowing how to write. With real words and even punctuation.

    Gnish Gnash Gni exclaimed Krast, understanding that his Difficult Situation was soon to be solved by the Unexpected Intervention of the Wrod Mnaggler.

    Simply tell me what to write, and I&#39;ll write it offered the Wrod Mnaggler, presenting herself with paper, pens, ink, a desk, chair and all the other stuff Krast might have used if he had himself mastered the occult art of reading and writing by himself, which, as you know, Tarranakian Warriors rarely have time for during their childhood/survival-training part of life.

    So Krast talked, and the Wrod Mnaggler wrote, and the day grew long and night fell, and time passed, and the clocks ticked over and it was the next day and Krast still talking, since he is so very fond of all his Shoggy/MTW-type friends and having so much to say he forgot how long it was all taking.

    And he also forgot the weather report, which, since it can easily affect the outcome of battles, (the taking-part-in and leading-his-Evil-Army-in is Krast&#39;s Primary Occupation) is always one of the few things Krast tries to remember.

    But in this case Krast forgot.

    And on this one occasion the weather-report was actually correct, and the predicted rain fell from the sky in torrents, drenching Krast, his campfire, his horse, the desk, the chair, the Wrod Mnaggler and all. And, most importantly, it drenched the paper the Wrod Mnaggler was writing on, ruining all her hard work and leaving them high-and-dry in a metaphorical sense despite being quite the opposite in actuality.

    So this is why Krast, despite investing so much time saying good-bye, was able to pass on only the tiny, fragmentary, not-everything-Krast-meant-to-say messages when he went away, having had to hurry very fast to save those few scraps of paper from the inclement weather.

    But Krast is back now, escaping from his coffin on a regular basis and lurking as he does in various assorted dirty places and unexpected hide-outs.

    And so Krast is taking the time now to say all he meant to say then:

    Gah Totalwarers Gah

    ... and it&#39;s nice to be back.

  4. #4

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    Once again that was a twisted story and once again it was most amusing That Wrod Mnaggler sounds somehow familiar.....but I can&#39;t quite place her

    If pictures are worth a thousand words all poor Krast needed was a , they also have the benefit of being water proof

    Gah
    Frogbeastegg's Guide to Total War: Shogun II. Please note that the guide is not up-to-date for the latest patch.


  5. #5
    Senior Member Senior Member Vanya's Avatar
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    GAH

    Vanya read these words... and... Vanya had no words. So, Vanya thought GAH would be enough. But, then Vanya had the time to deliberate on the nature of these foreign scripts in the sands.

    Vanya soon recognized them as having a certain Tarranakian influence in the manner in which the symbols were put together. Vanya recalled back to the long lost days when He gave the first Tarranakian leader His mighty axe, so that they could liberate themselves from the tyranny of freedom.

    Vanya then recognized that Krast was trapped in a situation where his reason and senses had long departed. Vanya got to thinking maybe Krast was headless, like Vanya. But this was not the case. Krast had a head on his shoulder that was indeed his own. So, Vanya summoned the Great Clouds and He urinated in them to fill them with life-giving liquids. Vanya then ordered the Great Clouds to drift over Krast&#39;s deserted location and rain down onto his position the liquids needed to revitalize the lands.

    The Great Clouds drifted over Krast&#39;s position, and rained down the Horseman&#39;s Great Gift of Life. Grass sprouted from the barren landscape. Trees ripped through the rocks and reached for the sky. Sand turned to dirt. All that was barren and lifeless became bountiful and fertile. Vanya had blessed the land with fecundity

    But... where was Krast? Krast was nowhere to be seen Krast had slipped into his coffin, and the downpour had summoned a flash flood that washed the coffin away Vanya searched for the coffin for days. Vanya sent forth the birds to scour the horizon, the snakes to search under rocks, and the tulips to dance among themselves. Soon enough, Krast was spotted eating a yellow creature.

    Vanya soon recognized the creature... it was Barfakrast. Barfakrast was a voodoo doll that had been commissioned by the enemies of Rage to defile the soul of Krast so that he would be forever tormented. Krast was eating himself Krast did not even have himself over some nice fava beans and a nice Chianti The sacrilege

    That night, as Krast lay asleep in his cozy coffin, Vanya approached in the dead of night. Vanya openned the coffin, and sprinkled some zombienol over Krast (a powerful anesthetic from Haiti). With Krast totally out of it, Vanya sliced open Krast&#39;s belly and removed the body of the undigested Barfakrast. Vanya voided the powers tied to it and, in so doing, lifted the curse. Vanya then stuffed Krast&#39;s belly with some dead rats and some tulip petals. Vanya figured this would hold off Krast&#39;s hunger until he could find something more palatable to his taste.

    Vanya then shut the coffin, and placed a shrunken head on top and went on his way.

    You may be wondering... why didn&#39;t Vanya just cut Krast&#39;s head off right then and there? Well... Vanya was tempted. But, Vanya figured it was always fun to see the Evil Army in action... even if it had not formally joined Vanya&#39;s People&#39;s Crusade for the Liberation of Man from the Opression of Freedom.

    Now, Vanya is assured of some good spectacles for when He sits down and sips sake as the clock ticks away, counting the days to armageddon

    GAH



    [Sips sake, eats popcorn]

  6. #6

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    Krast and Vanya in the same story...does it get any better?
    "I request permanent reassignment to the Gallic frontier. Nay, I demand reassignment. Perhaps it is improper to say so, but I refuse to fight against the Greeks or Macedonians any more. Give my command to another, for I cannot, I will not, lead an army into battle against a civilized nation so long as the Gauls survive. I am not the young man I once was, but I swear before Jupiter Optimus Maximus that I shall see a world without Gauls before I take my final breath."

    Senator Augustus Verginius

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by [b
    Quote[/b] (Vanya @ Sep. 15 2003,18:50)]People&#39;s Crusade for the Liberation of Man from the Opression of Freedom.
    That is quite catchy, I like it When I take over the world perhaps I shall send out a headless horseman to do this
    Frogbeastegg's Guide to Total War: Shogun II. Please note that the guide is not up-to-date for the latest patch.


  8. #8
    Senior Member Senior Member Krasturak's Avatar
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    ... which might explain the Cryptic Message Krast discovered upon opening his coffin the following evening:

    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn&#39;t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoent tihng is that the frist and lsat ltteer be at the fghit plcae. The rset can be a ttaol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porpelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not daed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Senior Member Krasturak's Avatar
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    Default Re: Krast&#39;s Desert Episode

    And then, many years later Krast was a gain wandering in the wilderness.

    "Gah! What is this?!?!" he said, encountering some little old shack beside the lake.

    And, poking in his nose in, he saw insdie the shack a pile of letters. Now, remember that Krast cannot read, and using letters was never his Strong Point, not like chasing down defeated armeis with Yari Cavalry, which was like Krast's best act.

    "What will Krast do with these letters?" he asked the no-one who was around. And it was true, there was not anyone around, in this place where there used to be all kinds of Wolves and Wrod Mnagglers and TosaInu and numerous other interesting characters.

    "Maybe Krast can save the letters until he meets someone who can read?" Krast was thinking. "Then Krast could show the letters, and, while the reader was reading he could send his musket troops around the flank and start the battle with surprise, blasting all kinds of enemy troops with the guns at the start and then getting into the chopping part in the middle of the battle ..."

    Krast's thoughts wandered far and wide, imagining the victories he would have directing musket troops in Totomi map and Yari troops on the Hida map and look how green the grass is in the mind's eye when it is 20 years later ... all those nice thoguhts from long ago.

    ****

    You see, back at the start of Totalwar, this was all new. 3D graphics and online multiplayer and the tantalizing lure of head soup. Those were the days.

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    Xantan 


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