Blood Red Hand: The Dukes of Ulster 1066

Content warning as demanded by amphibian censorship
Excessive death warning: more than 1,000 people die in the first 100 pages.
Language warning: Culad tends to be upset when his vassals betray him.
Other language warning: this does contain jokes you may or may not get.
Content warning: this is not a happy happy story, Bad Things happen.
Other content warning: features assorted deaths caused by people accidentally falling on daggers and similar.
Horror warning: the assorted outcomes of the various marriages may give you nightmares.
Character warning: Fionnghualla should not be imitated at home for the sake of the mental welfare of nearby bystanders.
Morality warning: this story has medieval morals, people do things that are not acceptable today.
Other morality warning: people kiss. And stuff. Mush exists.
Health warning: this story may damage your eyes, it is long, very long.
Addiction warning: many users of Red hand have reported a growing need to find out what happens next.
Other addiction warning: that mush appears to be even more addicitve than the rest of the story.
Racial warning: features jokes at the expense of the Normans.
History warning: this story is not exactly accurate, all nitpickers should avoid.
Child warning: unfortunately the editors could find no way to remove this peril; read at your own risk.


Principle Characters
In the court of Uliad.
Culad (the Lusty) of Uliad: duke of Ulster and Our Hero.
Donchad of Uliad: marshal, and all round reckless maniac.
Margaret Atheling: one of the last two members of the Saxon Atheling royal family. An acquired taste.
Nuala O’Fearghails: Wishing for a quiet life, but she needs a better fairy godmother.
Fionnghualla: sometimes spymaster, other times courtier, always a bitch
Eve of Mar: seventeen going on forty
GillaÍsu: an early gambler
DubEssa: in possession of a cute smile
Ayd: steward
Gofraid: chancellor, bald.
Tagd: courtier
Toirrdelbach: courtier
Mathgamain: courtier, eventually steward
Seoán: courtier
Enna: captain of the watch in Culad’s army
Eogan: second in command of Culad’s infantry
Pilib: captain of Culad’s cavalry unit
Tomas: eventually second in command of Culad’s infantry
Dunsleive: married to Fionnghualla, God save him Donchad’s elder brother
Colban: Father Abbot’s not so favourite monk

Enemies of Ulster
Aed O’Neill: count of Tir Eoghain, caught between a rock and a hard place
Connor: marshal to Aed
Sigtryg: count of Tir Connail, rebellious vassal, and debonair villain.
Fionna: spymaster to Sigtryg, the kind of girl your mother warned you about.
Brigida: Sigtryg’s wife, not at all distressed at being snatched from her intended and very happy indeed as countess. Really. This is true.
Éicnechán: eventually marshal to Aed
Roolb: eventually marshal to Sigtryg
Niall: wishing he was Sigtryg, because then he’d get his bride back

Assorted others
Conchbar: Duke of Dublin, so old he may be a fossil
Mael-Isu: bishop of Mide and vassal of Conchbar. Big Bad Bishop.
Imag: Mael-Isu’s mistress
Énrí: Mael-Isu’s son.
Cristina, Derbáil, Brigit and Una: too pretty for their own good
Mor: a redhead, daughter of one of Culad’s knights
The O’Fearghails: a family with ambition and, um more ambition
Sir Guy de Brittany: A hooked fish
Cathaoir: a horseman (with a head)
Agatha: sleeping with the enemy?
Eamonn: bucket brigade
Bécc: also in the bucket brigade
A brunette: trouble
A boy: slippery as an eel
A pedlar: actually a evil, cunning agent™ of Sigtryg’s
Assorted peasants: grubby
A gaggle of lady’s maids to assorted ladies: giggly
A big helping of assorted personal servants, squires etc: being useful in a way that makes them indispensable (they hope)
Assorted soldiers in various armies: dead or getting there
Assorted messengers: usually arriving at just the wrong time…
Assorted menial servants: busy in a lazy kind of way
A handful of wetnurses: left holding the baby(s)
A midwife: formidable



January 1066
In the heart of Ulster, inside a small stone castle two men sat at a table talking strategy over a map of Ireland. “Culad you must marry” insisted Donchad of Uliad, his wild light brown hair; big eyebrows and upturned nose making him look like the court jester, rather than the Duke’s marshal and most trusted arm. Culad turned to his cousin and clapped him on the shoulder, “Since when were you a churchman, Donchad? Talking on about marriage like I actually need to get married, well I’ll say I do not”
“Culad you’re 24 now-“
“Aye – young and fit, so not in need of wife to ruin my health I’m quite happy as I am.”
“Playing with any girl who catches your eye, you mean?”
“Of course” Culad winked at his cousin, “And you can’t say you’re any different Donchad.”
“I can at that – I’m not the duke and I have no pressing need of an heir. Think of Ulster, Culad – you must have an heir.” Culad’s mood soured, “You’ll not come into my war room, in my castle, in my province, in my dukedom and tell me what to do – cousin or no I have an heir-“
“Aye, and you’re besieging him for his disloyalty” flung back Donchad stabbing a finger at the province of Tir Eeghain on the map spread on the table in front of them, “That’s why we’re here, remember? Your problems with your only heir War tearing the Dukedom apart Sigtryg count of Tir Connail, and his ambition setting up claim on his inheritance early, and Aed O’Neill agreeing his claim on your Dukedom You have nothing but Uliad left, no heir, and a levy of just 600 men”
“I know that” snapped back Culad petulantly, “I know all this, we’re here to fight a war and you’re yakking on about a wife while I’m trying to plan strategy” Donchad pressed his point, “Elective succession has been a disaster for Ulster Culad, and we need allies. Get married, have a few sons, change the law, and pass it all on to them.”
“If there’s anything left to pass on.” Culad morosely stared at his lost lands on the map, “That’s far from certain now, and if the pox raddled bishop of Mide persuades his God conscious liege to enter the fray we’re in trouble so deep it would take a miracle to pull us out.”
“I’m seeing to the bishop, don’t you fear.” Donchad pointed to one of the castles in the territory of Mide on the map, “You see that small castle there? That’s where our holy bishop keeps his mistress. Pity for him the girl’s rather keen on one of my agents, and she’ll not be wanting her gold mine of a bishop to go to war on her sweetheart, so she’s applying certain…pressures to Mael-Isu and keeping him at home. Our little bishop is quite besotted with her, in a quiet way that he hopes won’t get back to the Pope.” Culad slapped a hand on the table, his bad mood forgotten in light of this news, “Ah Donchad, now I remember why I put up with your damn whining and let you be my marshal”
“So it’s just us and our dear departed friends, Aed and Sigtryg in this war for now. If we strike quickly we can bring them to heel, and you’ll have a Dukedom to pass on to your son.”
“Ah, not that again” Culad slammed his fist down on the table, “I’ll not hear more of your pestering – as bad as any wife I do swear”
“But a lady generally looks better in a frock than me, and you know it.” Donchad tried a different approach, “You know I’m hearing rumours about you…” Culad’s head snapped up, “What rumours?”
“Well you’re well known for your interest in the ladies, Culad the Lusty…”
“Aye, and I’ll build a church or two to save my soul from hell. What of it?”
“All these years, and many women with their names attached to yours, and yet…no, I’ll not be saying that.”
“Out with it man”
“It grieves me to say it, and I don’t believe that you are incapable no matter how many utter it, but you’ve got no children and you know how people are. Not a single bastard, not even a rumoured bastard - people are wondering if you’re even up to it-”
“What?” Culad stared at his cousin totally aghast, “Truly?”
“It’s why so many have flocked to Sigtryg’s cause, he seems more likely to provide a future for Ulster.”
“That man’s 35, and equally childless And you – you’re of an age to me, and also lacking off-spring.” Donchad carefully placed the second piece of his plan, “Well there’s the rumour of a certain boy out in a fishing village Sigtryg passed through, I’m hearing he looks like a splitting image of Sigtryg. And well, “ Donchad allowed a smile to slip on his face, “I’ve got my beautiful little Nuala.” Culad looked at his cousin, trying to decide if he was bluffing or not, “I’ve not heard of Nuala before, or any other child of yours.”
“She’s got golden hair like ripening corn, a very pretty smile, and looks just like her mother.” Donchad played the third part of his plan, “Now you see why the rumour’s so bad. You could kill two bird with one stone – marry some noble girl, have a few children killing off the rumours and setting up a better inheritance and future for Ulster. People will be loyal to a man with good secure succession, and heaven knows we need no more rebellions. Marry well enough, with a good dowry, and we could even take on the bishop of Mide and his liege lord after settling our traitors nicely.”
“Really? Well…” Culad though a moment before sighing in resignation, “So be it – go get me a bride. Make sure she’s pretty; you know my taste well enough. Young too, good family’s a must or I’ll not gain much prestige and I need to inspire a bit of worship from my peasants right now. Get a good dowry then – enough to settle Ulster back under my control and to expand our borders into Dublin…I like the sounds of ‘Culad, Duke of Ulster and Dublin’ and if I’ve got to do this dynastic thing now I might as well make it worthwhile. Best make sure she’s got a good reputation, for I’ll not have my children’s parentage under suspicion, not since I’m squashing that ugly rumour. Oh, and make sure this bride’s-”
“Alright, I get the picture” Donchad held up his hands as if to physically ward off the flow of requests, “I’ve got one in mind actually. Margaret Atheling from the court of England, she’s very suitable. If you could just affix your seal here…” Donchad produced a parchment making the request for Margaret’s hand in marriage to Culad, and placed it on the table before his lord. Culad skim read it, and let slip an appreciative laugh, “You’ve been planning this all along You’ve forced my hand into agreeing to this You rogue I should make you my spy master as well as my marshal”
“Actually Margaret is quite renowned for her intrigue skills. I thought she might fit the position very well. Multi purpose wife.”
“Damn you” chuckled Culad, stamping his official seal on the document, “Send it off before I change my mind then. Of course you’ll come to my wedding – bring your Nuala too. I’d like to see this daughter of yours.”
“Forgive me cousin, but if she comes it’ll be as my betrothed, rather than my daughter.”
“No More trickery?” Donchad smiled, his face brightening as he thought of his betrothed, “She’s 19, and just as I described earlier. She’s stolen my heart, and I suspect she’ll trample all over it too – I’m here straight from asking her father’s permission. She’s talking about buying new clothes already, and refurnishing my little castle…she’s going to trample all over my poor heart, and I have this foreboding feeling I’m going to enjoy it.”
“Well I’ll be I never thought you’d get stuck down, especially not in your prime like this. Donchad, my dear cousin and friend, I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“If you’re already talking about being trampled by some girl then you’re gone – you were unbeatable in combat, but I can see you’re too soft for that now. I’ll make you head of my wardrobe, and let someone with a stomach be my marshal”
“You tease me, and you’ll not be losing my sword. I’m the fierce warrior I ever was, and you’ll be letting someone else mess about with fashion, not I.”
“I’ll just be hoping that they don’t suborn your Nuala and send her into battle against us, or you’ll stand in the field of battle mooning like a love struck fool while we all get cut down”

Aed O’Neill, count of Tir Eoghain was supervising the drilling of his levy when the messenger arrived. Bowing low the man offered Aed a letter, “From Lord Sygtrig and of the utmost urgency.”. Aed took the letter and moved a few steps away to read it in private. When he had finished reading the note Aed ripped it up into small pieces and stuffed what was left into his belt pouch. “Is there an answer Lordship?” inquired the messenger nervously. Aed nodded, “Tell Sigtryg that it will be done, and to be sure that he’ll back me up when the time comes.” The messenger hurried off, and Aed waved over his second in command, “Connor, come here man. How many men have we got total here?”
“240 men exactly Lordship, that’s all the warriors in the province.”
“I want some peasants Connor.”
“Peasants’ll be no good in fighting Lordship, begging your pardon but it’s true.”
“Peasants can fill ranks, with a bit of drilling they might even march in a straight line. I want 100 peasants drafted and trained secretly, swap them with good men from our levy. Add another 400 peasants to make the levy look bigger than truth, be sure they look like they know which end of a spear to stick in a foe When our duke comes to assert his might we’ll have a surprise waiting for him.” Connor tugged his forelock, “As you command, Lordship.” Aed moved towards his small unit of knights, intent on hammering his bodyguard into peak condition before the fighting began, tossing the remains of the message onto one of the cooking fires as he went. “Oh aye, a surprise for our would-be Lordling.”






And so it begins...

Firstly this does not mean I have abandoned Eleanor, I can easily write two tales at once. As I get stuck on one I move across to the other.

Secondly this story is based on my current game in Crusader Kings, as the Duke of Ulster. The characters are all real, the traits they have in-game decide their personality on the page. Events, likewise, are taken from the game. I have altered a few details here and there to make for better reading, for example Culad is now over a decade younger and Donchad is his cousin instead of some strange guy with no ties to the house of Uliad. The whole thing is very different in tone to my other work, only funny by occasion, quite nasty some times, also a bit of a tragedy on a at least one occasion. Not sure if it works well enough or not.

Thankfully for my sanity the characters and their world remain firmly under my control, even if I wish to alter things dramatically from how they 'actually' happened. So no more mad, self creating princesses to torment poor froggy, the existing one and her bodyguard is more than enough This does have the side effect of making everyone and everything somehow less good, but since I have my hands full with the gooseberry I don't mind too much.

Does anyone want a map of Ireland and its in-game provinces? I can provide one easily, so long as it can go on the story space. Ditto pictures of the main characters.

EDITED: to include character list which will be updated as new faces appear.