Jokes

[a completely inoffensive name]

My love life.

[Cute Wolf]

Don't let your friends snap a photo in your room when they face a mirror.......

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

[Inappropriate material deleted, Lemur]

I Interviewed some housefly today and I'm astonished seein they had a perfect life on their own...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

EDIT : "Ehem" soory Lemur..... but it looks like you need some time to guess what is it didn't you? Just kidding, but I believe that these pics didn't contain "that spot", but soory.....

[Ibrahim]

some really creepy stuff about flies

What on Earth was that all about?

[Cute Wolf]

What on Earth was that all about?

Smack some flies and wondering, are there some funny stuff about them? and I made their pics.

[Hooahguy]

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a martini, and Descartes replies, "I think not." Then he disappears.

[Rahwana]

A little child is in his first time to brush his teeth by himself, but didn't want to brush his teeth, so his mother comes, and said... "Why you don't brush your teeth?"

He answered "No... Moomy must brush my teeth..."

"But as you grow.. you need to do something by yourself... and you couldn't be a good man if you don't brush your teeth by your own hands..."

"But moomy.. I often saw dad brush your teeth with his waist!"

[Cute Wolf]

What the?

[Cute Wolf]

[InsaneApache]

Dear Sir,

Over the past six months, you have been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Our complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screaming, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

[Cute Wolf]

Silly Facebook status and the comments (This was real!)

Original status (A) : THIS IS SPARTAAA!!! *throwing a romaioi dog into the pit*

Comment 1 (B) : THIS IS PELLA! "Antigonos Gonatas kicks a Romaios Angelos (αγγελος) into the well"

Comment 2 (C) : THIS IS QUEEEEBEC *throwing an englishman into the pit*

LOL you must imagine what kind of laugh I get from that...

[Cowhead418]

I'm against Picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Hax]

Smack some flies and wondering, are there some funny stuff about them? and I made their pics.

That's disgusting.

[Cute Wolf]

That's disgusting.

no, swat em with electrical racket

[InsaneApache]

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
The officer said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes it is!"
He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I replied, "I know, but she has a lovely personality!"

[Rhyfelwyr]

So a guy walks into a bar...

Ouch.

[Hax]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Hooahguy]

A baby seal walks into a club.

I actually heard this one from a friend on Monday. I think I was the only one in the room to actually get the joke.

[Andres]

The 0 said to the 8: "Isn't your belt too tight?"

Two submarines were sitting in a tree, playing a game of cards. An egg was walking by and the submarines asked if it wanted to join them in their game. "No," said the egg, "I don't have time. I need to go to the hairdresser."

What is green but larger than a pea? A soccer field.

It lives in the woods and is heavily armed. Rambi.

What's the difference between a yellow and a red wall?
They're both yellow, except the red one.

Two bears are walking on the street.
Says the one bear to the other: I want to walk in the middle.

What is the fastest: a train or a bus?
The skyscraper, because a cow gives milk.

[Moros]

Just how many children did you really make, Andres?

[Hooahguy]

The 0 said to the 8: "Isn't your belt too tight?"

Two submarines were sitting in a tree, playing a game of cards. An egg was walking by and the submarines asked if it wanted to join them in their game. "No," said the egg, "I don't have time. I need to go to the hairdresser."

What is green but larger than a pea? A soccer field.

It lives in the woods and is heavily armed. Rambi.

What's the difference between a yellow and a red wall?
They're both yellow, except the red one.

Two bears are walking on the street.
Says the one bear to the other: I want to walk in the middle.

What is the fastest: a train or a bus?
The skyscraper, because a cow gives milk.

I only got the first, third, fourth, and fifth.

[Rhyfelwyr]

Surrealist humour?

[Craterus]

Nope. Jokes for people with Alzheimer's.

[Megas Methuselah]

Lol, a good one. Some more!

[pevergreen]

You serious? A 6 and a half year bump?

[pevergreen]

so i said to this acrobat "do you have any winter pepper?" he said "no" so i said "what about summer salt?"
i sold my ships anchor today, the bloke said to me "heres fifty bucks, keep the chains"
my vicar dissapeared, i had to get in touch with, yes thats right, missing parsons
i remember the last thing my vicar said to me, he siad "never eat pro-biotic yoghurt." well what he actually said was "never dabble in the occult"
so i was reading a bible in a hotel and i started feeling dizzy. It was a gideon
so i went to the doctors and i said "people keep talking to me about cereal crops and its giving me a headache" he said "migraine?" i said "dont you start"
So i went to the sweet shop and i said "Do you do twix" and he said "i'm quite good at juggling"
This bloke said to me "I've got Bubonic plague!" I said, "Don't give me that"
he said "I dont like interpreters" I said "speak for yourself"
You know, I love reading. At the moment i'm reading my life by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out, because I didn't know he knew anything about my life.
A man asked me, "can you tell me what you call a person that comes from Corsica?" I said, "Course I can!"
so i went to the watch shop and i said "i want to buy a watch" he said "analogue?" i said "no just the watch"

[Megas Methuselah]

You serious? A 6 and a half year bump?

Says the guy who sigged that awesome backroom joke from KukriKhan and the Vietnamese villages.

[pevergreen]

How is that related. Especially since that post was made on 25/05/10.

[stratigos vasilios]

Not sure if this is appropriate or not but...

A Polish man goes in to get his eyes checked. The optometrist tells him to read out the letters on the board C Z Y X Z D. The optometrist asks the man if he is able to read it, ''read it?'' he replies, "I know that guy!".

[Rhyfelwyr]

Shouldn't this be merged with the other jokes thread?

[Husar]

Hmm, Kaiser of Arabia, where hath he gone?
I almost thought he was back, then checked the post date...