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Thread: Jokes

  1. #61
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Upxl
    It’s green, small, round and when you throw it against a wall the neighbours phone will ring?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Pure coincidence
    finally soneone with a sense of humor. to bad I knew this one already.

  2. #62
    Just another pixel Member Upxl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    An American, Russian and a Dutch Astronaut are heading for a 1 year expedition to various planets.
    For scientific reasons they all can choose 1 Item to stuff their rocket with.

    The American: Women and lots of them!
    The Russian: Vodka baby a whole lot of Vodka!
    The Dutchman after long and hard thoughts: I smoke, so cigarettes all the way!

    So up they go, the American with a rocket jammed with women, the Russian with vodka and the Dutchman a rocket stuffed with cigarettes.

    Fast forward 1 year:

    The American arrives with his arms full with little Americans and half off the women pregnant.
    The Russian drunk as a post with his last bottle of Vodka.
    Then the Dutchman (completely mad) bangs the door open runs down the stairs with one cigarette in his right hand.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    ”SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GIVE ME A LIGHT!!!”


    This one is specially for you Gertgregoor.
    Last edited by Upxl; 04-09-2006 at 20:04.
    I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

  3. #63
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Upxl
    An American, Russian and a Dutch Astronaut are heading for a 1 year expedition to various planets.
    For scientific reasons they all can choose 1 Item to stuff their rocket with.

    The American: Women and lots of them!
    The Russian: Vodka baby a whole lot of Vodka!
    The Dutchman after long and hard thoughts: I smoke, so cigarettes all the way!

    So up they go, the American with a rocket jammed with women, the Russian with vodka and the Dutchman a rocket stuffed with cigarettes.

    Fast forward 1 year:

    The American arrives with his arms full with little Americans and half off the women pregnant.
    The Russian drunk as a post with his last bottle of Vodka.
    Then the Dutchman (completely mad) bangs the door open runs down the stairs with one cigarette in his right hand.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    ”SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GIVE ME A LIGHT!!!”


    This one is specially for you Gertgregoor.
    you're too kind.

  4. #64
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    different types of Project managers:

    If you get in my way, I'll kill you!

    - ideal project manager


    If you get in my way, you'll kill me!

    - somewhat less than ideal project manager


    If I get in my way, I'll kill you!

    - somewhat misguided project manager


    If I get in your way, I'll kill you!

    - A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)


    If get kill in will way I you.

    - dyslexic, functionally illiterate project

    manager


    I am the way! Kill me if you can!

    - messianic project manager


    Get away, I'll kill us all!

    - suicidal project manager


    If you kill me, I'll get in your way.

    - thoughtful but ineffective project manager


    If I kill you, I'll get in your way.

    - project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious


    If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.

    - project manager from New York


    I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so

    no one will get killed.

    - project manager who is about to get in big trouble


    If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?

    - weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager


    If I kill me, you'll get your way.

    - pragmatic project manager


    Kill me, it's the only way.

    - every project manager to date.

  5. #65

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

    "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

    The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

    He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

    Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

  6. #66
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    im jelous of the third guy
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


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  7. #67
    Enlightened Despot Member Vladimir's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    I'd prefer a bullet to a bite. *ouch*


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    Quote Originally Posted by Evil_Maniac From Mars
    How do you motivate your employees? Waterboarding, of course.
    Ik hou van ferme grieten en dikke pinten
    Down with dried flowers!
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 



  8. #68

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vladimir
    I'd prefer a bullet to a bite. *ouch*
    You don't bite lollipops...

  9. #69

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Everyone's got their own style...

  10. #70
    Member Member Radier's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    The first things mods are fast to point out are that no rascist jokes are allowed.

    The next thing that happens are some blond jokes.

    Dubbel moral???

    "Yeah let's not tell rascist jokes except when it comes to whites!!"

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    Also Europa Barbarorum supporter!

  11. #71
    Tree Killer Senior Member Beirut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    If you feel there have been inappropriate "jokes" about any ethnic group, PM BKS or myself and it will be looked at.
    Unto each good man a good dog

  12. #72
    Senior Member Senior Member English assassin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    The first things mods are fast to point out are that no rascist jokes are allowed.

    The next thing that happens are some blond jokes.

    Dubbel moral???
    Oh no not again...


    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you"?
    Last edited by English assassin; 04-19-2006 at 11:38.
    "The only thing I've gotten out of this thread is that Navaros is claiming that Satan gave Man meat. Awesome." Gorebag

  13. #73
    Clan Takiyama Senior Member R'as al Ghul's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by English assassin
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you"?
    I always liked that one.
    I hope you aren't hurting any cannibals feelings, though.

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  14. #74
    Senior Member Senior Member English assassin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by R'as al Ghul
    I always liked that one.
    I hope you aren't hurting any cannibals feelings, though.
    Any cannibals who want to complain will have to get into the queue behind the clowns...
    "The only thing I've gotten out of this thread is that Navaros is claiming that Satan gave Man meat. Awesome." Gorebag

  15. #75
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!"
    "Like what?"
    "Well... are you religious?" He said yes.
    I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
    "Christian."
    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?
    "Protestant."
    "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
    "Baptist"
    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
    "Baptist Church of God!"
    "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
    "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
    He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
    I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


    "Its a great mitzva to be happy always" Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

    We want moshiach now!!

  16. #76
    Sovereign of Soy Member Lehesu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?




    Breaking the ice.


    Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!
    Innovative Soy Solutions (TM) for a dynamically changing business environment.

  17. #77
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lehesu
    What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?




    Breaking the ice.


    Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!
    that's an old one, I'm not even English and I have heard that one already a couple of times in English.

  18. #78
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lehesu
    What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?




    Breaking the ice.


    Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!

    LOL the jokes not so funny but what you said after LOL

    Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!

    omg i think im goin to cry
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


    "Its a great mitzva to be happy always" Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

    We want moshiach now!!

  19. #79
    Senior Member Senior Member Yeti Sports 1.5 Champion, Snowboard Slalom Champion, Monkey Jump Champion, Mosquito Kill Champion Csargo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    I just read this on my e-mail.

    The real reason that we can't have the Ten
    Commandments in a courthouse...You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.

    Thought it was pretty funny
    Quote Originally Posted by Sooh View Post
    I wonder if I can make Csargo cry harder by doing everyone but his ISO.

  20. #80
    Member Member ZombieFriedNuts's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Ok I converted this joke from a racist joke, hopefully its no longer offensive to anyone

    What do you do if you see a one armed Nazi running down the street?

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    Stop laughing and reload
    Make Beer Not War

  21. #81

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    An American, a Frenchman and Bellman were going to swim from Europe to America. After 1 third of the way the American was exhausted and drowned. After 2 thirds of the way the Frenchman was exhausted and drowned. When Bellman was 100 m from the American shore he said to himself "Man, I'm getting tired. I'd better swim back."


    Another one (but not with Bellman):
    - Mommy, mommy! I don't want to go to America!
    - Shut up kid, and keep swimming!
    We have this almost mythical tree, given to us by the otherwise hostile people in the east to symbolize our friendship and give us permission to send caravans through their lands. It could be said to symbolize the wealth and power of our great nation. Cut it down and make me a throne.

  22. #82
    Narcissist Member Zalmoxis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    I hope that this hasn't been done yet and that it isn't taken as being racist, and here we go:

    (Un-Frontroomish humour - Beirut)
    Last edited by Beirut; 05-29-2006 at 11:12.
    "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite." - John Kenneth Galbraith

  23. #83
    Senior member Senior Member Dutch_guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Well I posted a joke about a clown and a Jew, it was similar to the one you posted Zalmoxis.

    You'd better delete it yourself before it get's deleted.

    I'm an athiest. I get offended everytime I see a cold, empty room. - MRD


  24. #84
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
    "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
    "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
    "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
    "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story?
    The asshole is usually in charge !!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into his doctors and says, "what's the prognosis then?"

    "Well, it's bad news, you've got cancer and you've got alzheimer's, sorry."

    "Ah well, could be worse, I could have cancer!"
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

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  25. #85
    Senior Member Senior Member naut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Lol! Very funny
    #Hillary4prism

    BD:TW

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    But when one really knows, one has no need of religion. - Mahavyuha Sutra

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  26. #86
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm



    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    It is just before Scotland v Brazil in the next World Cup Group game.
    Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.
    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
    Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

    A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

    Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
    They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

    They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  27. #87
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    LOL didnt see that one coming
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


    "Its a great mitzva to be happy always" Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

    We want moshiach now!!

  28. #88

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by InsaneApache
    http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm



    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    It is just before Scotland v Brazil in the next World Cup Group game.
    Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.
    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
    Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

    A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

    Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
    They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

    They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"


  29. #89

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    this was supposedly the funniest joke in the world according to some international poll a few years back that had people in several countries vote.

    two men are out hunting when one suddenly falls silent, clutches his heart and falls over. his buddy pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services
    "help, i think my friend just had a heart attack and died"

    the operator answers "calm down sir, first we want to make sure he's dead." suddenly the operator hears the cell phone being dropped to the ground, hears footsteps going away, hears a loud BOOM, and then hears footsteps approaching and the buddy picks up the phone and says "OK, now what?"
    indeed

  30. #90
    Just another pixel Member Upxl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lofman
    An American, a Frenchman and Bellman were going to swim from Europe to America. After 1 third of the way the American was exhausted and drowned. After 2 thirds of the way the Frenchman was exhausted and drowned. When Bellman was 100 m from the American shore he said to himself "Man, I'm getting tired. I'd better swim back."

    What's a Bellman?
    I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

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