Jokes

[Mouzafphaerre]

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Possibly it's into The Simpsons.
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[Good Ship Chuckle]

Where does Saddam keep his CD's?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

In a rack. (Iraq)



Terrible...I know.

[Good Ship Chuckle]

Okay, okay. Let me redeem myself.

Why didn't the spider wanted to be drafted to fight in the war on terror?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Because he had Iraqnaphobia. (Arachnophobia)




It just keeps getting better!

[Mouzafphaerre]

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I chuckled at the first and laughed at the second. The jokes are really cheap but you?
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[Good Ship Chuckle]

I'm glad someone laughed. I thought it was going to be a tough crowd.

[MerlinusCDXX]

Ok here's one

4 nuns are waiting in the foyer for entrance into heaven. St. Peter comes along, "hello Sisters, come with me please" they walk until they arrive at a vat of Holy Water. St. Peter tells them "You have been doing the work of the Lord, I know no one is perfect, so we have devised a way for you all to enter heaven. I want you to form a line, and each of you one at a time to come to me and confess your sins, and I will prescribe a penance and then you can enter paradise."

The first nun goes forward.
StP "yes, my child, go ahead and confess"
N1 "I have let a man touch my breast"
StP "anything else"
N1 "no, that's all"
StP "dip your breast in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven"
She does it and enters heaven.

Second nun steps up
StP "yes, my child"
N2 "I have touched a man's uhhh, you know"
StP "anything else"
N2 "no, that's all"
StP "wash your hands in the Holy Water and enter the presence of the Almighty"
She also does it and enters heaven.

Third nun goes forward.
StP "yes, my child"
Fourth nun interjects
"now just you wait a minute Pete"
StP (annoyed) "what"

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

N4 "if you expect me to gargle that Holy Water, I sure ain't lettin' that floozy in front of me stick her @rse in it first."

[Mouzafphaerre]

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This one is an undieing classical but your version made me laugh out loud!
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[Mouzafphaerre]

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SPELL CHECKER

I have a spell chequer
it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea

When I strike a quay or right
a word, I weight four it two say,
weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It noes bee fore two late
and eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

(Sauce unknown)
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[Mouzafphaerre]

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German is easy

Those who know Latin and are used to the derivations, can easily learn it.

This thing is actually mentioned by almost all of the German teachers at every start of their courses. Then, they continue with studying some odd words like "der", "die", "das", "den", etc. In the end, it must be reminded that it is such a logical and simple language.

To explain all that we have affirmed, let's take a practical example. Firstly, buy the "German Language Book". It's an awesome volume, with covers made of carton, published in Dortmund, which tells us about the customs of the Hottenttots (auf Deutsch: Hottentotten). In the book it is told how the kangaroos (Beutelratten) and caught and imprisoned in cages (Kotter), covered with a cloth (Lattengitter), which protected them from the rain. These cages are called in German "cages covered with cloths" (Lattengitterkotter), and, when they contain a kangaroo: Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten. One day, the Hottentots arrested an assassin (Attentäter), accused to have killed a a Hottentot mother (Hottentottenmutter), having a silly boy with talking problems (Stottertrottel).
Such a female is called in German Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter, and its assassin is a Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater. The assassin is captured and it is locked for a while in a kangaroo cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), but the captive escapes. Immediately, everybody goes searching the fugitive and, suddenly, a Hottentot warrior returns yelling:
-I've got the assassin (Attentater)!
-Really? Which?
-The Lattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentater.
-What? The assasin in the kangaroo cage that is covered with a cloth?
-Well, the Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater (The assassin of the Hottentot mother of the silly child with talking disorders).
-Oh! You should have said from the start that you caught Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotter beutelrattenattentater.

As you can see, German is a simple language. All it needs is a little patience...
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[Viking]

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SPELL CHECKER

I have a spell chequer
it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea

When I strike a quay or right
a word, I weight four it two say,
weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It noes bee fore two late
and eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

(Sauce unknown)
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Excellent.

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Post

>>>>> The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
>>>>> will be the official language of the European Union rather than
>>>>> German, which was the other possibility.
>>>>>
>>>>>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
>>>>>English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
>>>>>5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
>>>>>
>>>>>In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
>>>>>will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
>>>>>
>>>>>The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
>>>>>konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
>>>>>
>>>>>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>>>>>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
>>>>>like fotograf 20% shorter.
>>>>>
>>>>>In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
>>>>>expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
>>>>>
>>>>>Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
>>>>>always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>>>>>
>>>>>Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
>>>>>languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
>>>>>
>>>>>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
>>>>>with "z" and "w" with "v".
>>>>>
>>>>>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
>>>>>kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten
styl.
>>>>>
>>>>>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
>>>>>tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>>>>>
>>>>>Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
>>>>>in ze forst plas.

[Veho Nex]

Heres a really bad one

So a lawyer reaches the pearly gates....

[Mouzafphaerre]

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Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Das ist Dutch!
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[PershsNhpios]

A Frenchman, a German, and a Cocker Spaniel walk into a bar,
And the Bartender asks loudly, "What is this then, a Joke?"

[Good Ship Chuckle]

The Devil visits a lawyer and proposes a deal:

The devil says "I will make you rich, your clients will love you, you will get respect from your colleagues, and you will have four months of vacation every year. However, your wife and kids will have to rot in hell for all of eternity!"

The Lawyer thinks about it for a minute and then says "Okay, what's the catch?"

[Raz]

You really are a chuckle ship. And keeping with lawyers:

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions,"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

And:
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

How many can you afford?

[Veho Nex]

Continuing on the lawyer bashing heres two that I know.

So a guy is driving down the road and he see's a lawyer hitchhiking off to the right. He slowely starts to swerve and BAM!!! hit the lawyer. The next day he's driving down the road with his priest in the passanger seat and he sees the same lawyer on the side of the road. Slowely he starts to swerve but then says he had better not since there was a priest in the car. As he's moving back out onto the road he hears WHAM!!! and looks over stunned at the priest. "You missed him with your bumber but, don't worry I got him with the door."

And the second one:

A guy is driving down the road and he sees a man hitch hiking on the side. Thinking to be a good sameritan he picks him up, the man says he's been walking for a long time and ask if it would be alright if he could sleep. So the man goes to sleep and a little while down the road he is awoken by a large BAM!. "What was that!!!??!?!" the guy replies; "Nothing nothing, dont worry about it go back to sleep." So the hitchhiker goes back to sleep. a little while down the road he is awoken by a large WHAM!. "What was that?!?! I deffinately heard something that time!" the guy replies; "Nothing nothing, dont worry about it go back to sleep." After he just nods off he hears WHAM WHAM WHAM BANG!! "What the **** was that?!?!!!?!" " A Lawyer had to go through three fences to get'em."


Ok I know theyre bad but theyre much better if you can hear them in person

[seireikhaan]

Well, to continue the lawyer littany-

What's the difference between a dead animal on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The dead animal has skid marks leading up to it.

[LittleGrizzly]

I went shopping the other day with my daughter to get her a barbie, It was £9.99 for just a barbie but itself, £29.99 for barbie with a horse and carriage, and the barbie divorce edition had no price on it so i took it to the checkout and asked how much it was, ''£49.99'' ''Why so much ?'' ''Because with the barbie divorce edition you get Kens money his house his car....''

[Kralizec]

A teacher gives his pupils a "literary" assignment.
"I want you to write a short story, containing at least the following elements:
-Royal family
-Religion
-Mystery
That's it. You have one hour, so you'd better start immediately."

The pupils begin writing. Only about two minutes later a pupil walks to the teacher and says he's done, and hands him a sheet of paper.
"That's impossible" says the teacher and starts reading the story:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"My God" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder from who..."

[Mouzafphaerre]

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That one never gets old.

They made it in a local TV series. A smartass schoolgirl is assigning a paper about "maternity, religion and mystery":

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant! I wonder from whom?"

.

[Abokasee]

Ok here is a cannibal Island one just thought of (Remember all names are according to the child)

A Small child walks into a VERY tall hut
Small Child: Mum whats for dinner?
Mum: Dad!
Grandad: Yes?
Mum: There you go

(Extended version)

A Small child walks into a VERY tall hut
Small Child: Mum whats for dinner?
Mum: Dad!
Grandad: Mum!
Great Grandmother: Dad!
Great Great Grandad: Mum!
Great Great Great Grandmother: Dad!
Great Great Great Great Granddad: Mum!
Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother: Grandad!
*No response*
Mum: I think you know now

[The Wandering Scholar]

What do you call two men playing tennis?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The Murray Bros

[Caius]

welcome to L337 class 101, today we learn some common online acronyms

such as:

LOL

LOL usually means "laugh out loud", in the case of "hey bob, that joke was really funny, lol

this way LOL is written in all lower-case letters

LOL could also mean "loss of life", in the case of "I'm sorry gina, your grandpa died yesterday, LOL"

note in this expression they are all written in capitals

that ends today's lesson

[InsaneApache]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Mouzafphaerre]

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[Kralizec]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband.

The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing, "That's horrible".

Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says,

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Honey, how many is a brazillion?"

[Veho Nex]

AHAHAHAHA that one is good; im not to sure about this one but here it goes any ways *prays to what ever god is more acceptable*

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Capatilization in sentences is every thing. It's the difference between:
"I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse."

And

"I had to help my uncle jack off a horse"

[Mouzafphaerre]

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There's a slightly different Turkish version, with punctuation:

1. Oku, baban gibi eşek olma!
2. Oku baban gibi, eşek olma!

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A means "Study, don't become an ass like your father!" while B reads "Study like your father did, don't become an ass!".

ass: donkey
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[Veho Nex]

lol