Jokes

[TWFanatic]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.? Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A very old woman was so depressed by her husbands death that she wanted to kill herself and go meet him in the afterlife. Just to be sure she would die quickly, she called her doctor to ask where the heart was. The nurse answered and said, "Just under the left breast."

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

So the very old woman was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound in the knee...

The boss of a small firm reluctantly told four of his employees: I'm going to have to let one of you go."
The black employee said: "I'm a protected minority."
The female employee said: "And I'm a woman."
The oldest employee said: " Fire me pal, and I'll hit you with and age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin!"
They all turned and looked at the young, white, male employee who thought for a moment before saying,

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"I think I might be gay..."

[LeftEyeNine]

Revived for AntiWarman2938197229871.

[Strike For The South]

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"


-----

Signs you need to cut back

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.

18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

20. Roseanne looks good.

21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

24."I'm as jober as a sudge."

25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

---------------

[Yoyoma1910]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Lean meat.

What do you call a cow with 4 legs?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

FDA approved.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

And to celebrate the end of Bush:

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

[Europe]

Peter, a very spoiled child, walked into his class on the first day of school.

What!? Wooden tables and this is supposed to be first class!?

[Hooahguy]

what is missing from rap?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

the "c" in front of it

[Yoyoma1910]

[Mediolanicus]

An old guy is walking in the red lights district.
One of the girls calls him over.
The old man says : "I'm old and stopped working a long time ago, I just can't anymore."
The girl answers : "Sure you can, let's give it a try!"
The old man : "But I really can't do it anymore."

After some persuasion by the girl the old man eventually gives in and accepts her invitation.

More than an hour later they come back out on the street.
The girl speaks exhausted : "I thought you couldn't do it anymore? Then what was that!?"

The old man answers : "I'm telling you the truth, I really can't pay you anymore."

[Caius]

what is missing from rap?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

the "c" in front of it

lol @ rap.

[Paradox]

An old guy is walking in the red lights district.
One of the girls calls him over.
The old man says : "I'm old and stopped working a long time ago, I just can't anymore."
The girl answers : "Sure you can, let's give it a try!"
The old man : "But I really can't do it anymore."

After some persuasion by the girl the old man eventually gives in and accepts her invitation.

More than an hour later they come back out on the street.
The girl speaks exhausted : "I thought you couldn't do it anymore? Then what was that!?"

The old man answers : "I'm telling you the truth, I really can't pay you anymore."

[LittleGrizzly]

What do women and clouds have in common ?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Eventually they off and everyone has a nice day

[Cute Wolf]

A Test for In Laws

A Rich, old men had 3 son in laws from 3 of his daughters, but all of them are coming from lower class, and he suspect any of them are marrying his daughter just for money. To test their sincerity, he arranges a "test" to prove them.

He took his youngest in law with him on a trip with a motorboat, only two of them. When they are on the deep sea, he pretend to fall into the sea. That youngest son in law immediately shut the motorboat engine down and then jumps over the sea, saving his father in law. Next day, the youngest in law see a new BMW parked in front of his house with a letter: "From your father in law, thank you for saving me".

A week after, he took his first oldest in law with him on the very same trip, he also pretend to fall into the sea. This time, his eldest son in law immediately jumps into the sea while the motorboat is still running, and then he was carried to the beach, all by swimming. Impressed with that son in law's determination, next day he declares that man as his second in command in the family's business.

He then try the same procedure with his middle son in law, he pretend (again) to fall into the sea. But at this time, his son in laws didn't even look back at him, and let him drowned and died....

The next day, in front of that middle son in law's home the another two are coming...
What did they will said?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Thank you!!!!!! Very good idea!!!!!!
, and here was your new position as the second in command, the eldest son in law receive the first in command position, while the youngest receive the third in command

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

George Washington, George Bush and Bill Clinton were on a sinking ship. George Washington shouted "Save the women", George Bush cowardly shouted "Screw the women". Bill Clinton then said to George Bush:

"Oooh, do we have time"

[Andres]

I loved all three of them, the first in particular

[pevergreen]

A man is walking down a nice street, just taking a look at everyone as he goes.

He sees normal people, but outside a building, he sees a man holding a flag and a scimtar.

When he asks what the man is doing, he says:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Yallah! My Sultan wishes you dead!

[A Very Super Market]

.. I didn't get it...

Okay, rather off-color, but oh well.

Expletives bleeped, out if thats okay. I guess I'll put it in a massive spoiler.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
The teacher said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Indians...."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar answers,"'George H.W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"'Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"
And Handrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

[pevergreen]

Its a Medieval 2: Total War joke.

[Hooahguy]

so there is a new head of advertising in Israel for a certain soft drink, newly arrived from the US. hes trying to think of a new advertising campaign. finally, he has a great idea.
there are 3 panels.
on the left panel, there is a guy on a beach who is dying of thirst. the middle one is the same guy drinking the soft drink. the right one is a picture of the guy running on the beach, energized from the drink.
the advertisement goes out for mass marketing.
soon, sales plummet in only one day. they are losing lots of money. his regional boss comes to him and says: "you idiot! Israelis read from right to left!"

[miotas]

Joke's are in the spoilers since they're quite long

enjoy

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Nanna's letter:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window
and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been
a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about
a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity : -
1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and
point Hair
Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down




2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.



3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries with That.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.



6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"



7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the
Prophecy."



8. Don't use any punctuation



9. as Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.



10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious
face.





11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go.





12. Sing Along At The Opera.





13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme





14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical
Sounds All day.



15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because" You're not in the Mood."



16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream"I Won! I Won!"



18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

15 THINGS A MAN CAN DO AT K-MART WHILE HIS WIFE IS TAKING HER DAMNED SWEET
TIME:



01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.



02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.



03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms.



04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in
Housewares" .. and see what happens!



05. G o to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.



06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department, and tell other shoppers you're
sleeping over. Invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding
Department.



08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't
you people just leave me alone?"



09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.



10. While handling guns in the Sports Department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.(i got this in an email that obviously originated in america)



11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from
"Mission Impossible."



12. In the Auto Section, practise your "Madonna look" using different sized
funnels.



13. Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say, "PICK
ME!!! PICK ME!!!"



14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal
position and scream, "NO...It's those voices again!!!"



And last but not least:



15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[Hooahguy]

SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i would +rep you if there was rep here...

[InsaneApache]

If you recieve an email from The Department of Health regarding swine flu stating that you should not eat tinned pork products, ignore it, its Spam.

[Fwapper]

Venison's dear, isn't it?

Yes it's supposed to be spelt like that, it's an integral part of the joke... honestly...

[InsaneApache]

Dr. Kornmehl was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.


Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town.


He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.


As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.


The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall!


He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.


He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.


Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.


The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"


Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."


"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.


"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."


The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."


Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."


"Was it a long time ago?"


"Yes, many years."


The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kornmehl fart?"

[Cute Wolf]

It wouldn't be remembered except he was farting soo loud that entire city hears it...

[A Very Super Market]

Well, animals don't talk, and there are plenty of jokes based on talking animals, aren't there?

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
From the movie Hollow Man:

Superman is flying over the city for leisure. Suddenly he notices that Wonder Girl is sunbathing fully naked atop a skyscraper's roof. He becomes horny and thinks to himself "what if I fly there, bang her and disappear with my super speed? Nobody would notice after all". And he does accordingly. Wonder Girl exclaims "what the hell was that?"

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"I don't know, but my @ßh0£€ is killing me!" says The Invisible Man.

.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
An oldie but goodie:

This knight, going on a crusade, gives his wife's chastity belt's key to his best pal. "Brother, I hope I shall return in glory but in case I can't, take care of her"

He rides away. After half an hour he notices a dust cloud rushing towards his caravan; apparently it's the best pal.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

"Brother, brother! The key doesn't work!"

.

[InsaneApache]

A man went to his GP with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor said: "I can give you some cream for that!"

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

Have you seen my camouflage jacket?

[Fragony]

I do not, I repeat, do not post this because it reminds me of a certain backroom member



A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.

"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."

The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.

With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.

Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.

So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"

The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."