Jokes

[Rhyfelwyr]

Shouldn't this be merged with the other jokes thread?

I feel as though I have changed the world!

[Megas Methuselah]

Hmm, Kaiser of Arabia, where hath he gone?
I almost thought he was back, then checked the post date...

Lol, I'm a good one, aren't I? Fooling germans at every moment.

[Husar]

Lol, I'm a good one, aren't I? Fooling germans at every moment.

You're only a good one if you can get him (and a lot of others) to post again.

[Megas Methuselah]

You're only a good one if you can get him (and a lot of others) to post again.

I am, therefore, the lowliest of the low.

[InsaneApache]

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy ReaganMy family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[Hooahguy]

A vulture walks onto an airplane with two animals under his wings. The flight attendant politely said, "Im sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

[InsaneApache]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"







The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[LeftEyeNine]

Wow, Kaiser of Arabia, is he even alive, I wonder.

[gaelic cowboy]

Two fellas john and mick go moose hunting in the wilds and bag six big ones.

The plane arrives and the pilot refuses to take more than two.

The two hunters are annoyed and relate to the pilot how last year the pilot took six onboard no problem.

The take off and about an hour in they crash into a mountain.

One hunter turns to the other "where are we mick", the other hunter replies "I dunno john I think were close to where we crashed last year".

[InsaneApache]

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

[InsaneApache]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said they were testing a new machine which would transfer some of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said yes. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start with, explaining that even that level was probably more than the father had ever experienced. But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to crank it up a notch. So the doctor adjusted the pain transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel OK. Since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably the hubby told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. On arriving home they found the milkman dead on the doorstep….

[Major Robert Dump]

MY EX WIFE WALKS INTO A BAR. SHE IS KOREAN/JEWISH. AND A SLUT.

SHE YELLS TO EVERYONE IN THE BAR "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MAN IN HERE IF SOMEONE CAN GUESS MY RACE"

A DRUNK GUYS SAYS "ARE YOU BLACK?"

AND SHE SAYS "CLOSE ENOUGH"

[InsaneApache]

I always come up with my best ideas in the theater corridor, I call it “thinking outside of the box".

[Cute Wolf]

MY EX WIFE WALKS INTO A BAR. SHE IS KOREAN/JEWISH. AND A SLUT.

SHE YELLS TO EVERYONE IN THE BAR "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MAN IN HERE IF SOMEONE CAN GUESS MY RACE"

A DRUNK GUYS SAYS "ARE YOU BLACK?"

AND SHE SAYS "CLOSE ENOUGH"

pics or it didn't happen

[InsaneApache]

My girlfriend just asked me to do her hair for a reggae night.

I'm dreading it.

[johnhughthom]

I have heard this joke a couple of times and each time the audience has found it uproariously funny:

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

PAUL MERTON

My first thought the first time I heard it was, they have a passenger list, so they match the dental records of passengers against the remains, what's so funny? Is it a sense of humour fail on my part?

[Monk]

My girlfriend just asked me to do her hair for a reggae night.

I'm dreading it.

[InsaneApache]

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed. All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. You have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you."

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.

"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Veho Nex]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said they were testing a new machine which would transfer some of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said yes. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start with, explaining that even that level was probably more than the father had ever experienced. But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to crank it up a notch. So the doctor adjusted the pain transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel OK. Since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably the hubby told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. On arriving home they found the milkman dead on the doorstep….

I like that one

[InsaneApache]

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

[Kralizec]

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

[InsaneApache]

And that's when the fight started....

The year before last I bought the mother in law a plot at the cemetary for Christmas. Last year I didn't get her anything. When she asked why I told her that she hadn't used the gift I bought last year.
And that's how the fight started.

--------------------------------

We were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept looking at this guy getting drunk on his own at a nearby table. I asked if she knew him, "Yes," she said. "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he started drinking after we split up all those years ago and he hasn't been sober since."
"My God," I said. "That's a hell of a long time to go on celebrating."
And that's when the fight started.

--------------------------------

We were in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and I turned to her and askd "Do you want sex?"
"No," she said.
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
She didn't even bother looking and just went, "Yes."
So I said, "Can I phone a friend?"
And that's how the fight started.

--------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started.

--------------------------------

My wife was hitting about what she wanted for our anniversary. She said she wanted something shiny that went from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds, so I bought her bathroom scales.
And then the fight started.

--------------------------------

When I got home the other night my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive, so we got in the car and I took her to the gas station.
And that's when the fight started.

[InsaneApache]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him
to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this,
the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has
never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam
sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,
drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself
for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could
possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made
her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is
available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then
she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in
Euros?"

[Shaka_Khan]

Why is 10 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

[Oaty]

A horse walks into a bar
The bartender asks why the long face
After a long pause ....
the horse says the sign at the door said no horseplay

[a completely inoffensive name]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
The bartender asks why the long face
After a long pause ....
Sarah Jessica Parker says the sign at the door said no horseplay

FTFY

[InsaneApache]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[a completely inoffensive name]

A horse walks into a club.

As expected, the bright lights and loud music agitate the horse and it had to be taken outside.

[InsaneApache]

"Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replies.
“Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days"........."

[The Wizard]

Don't know if this has been posted here yet, but:

What is "The Hunger Games" called in France?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Battle Royale With Cheese