Jokes

[InsaneApache]

An American Marine boards a train in Europe, the train was quite crowded, so the. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Marshal Murat]

Where are the funny logs???
bash.org is a great comedy site.

[IrishArmenian]

Father: Son, if you keep wanking, you'll go blind.
Son: I'm over here.

[screwtype]

A penguin on holiday in California is driving happily along the highway when he notices the oil light has come on. "I don't know much about cars", thinks the penguin, "but I do know that when the oil light comes on that is serious!" So at the very next town he pulls into the service station and tells the mechanic what the problem is. "Okay I'll take a look at it" says the mechanic. "Come back in an hour".

The penguin decides to kill time by looking around town. He hasn't gone far when he sees an ice cream parlour. "Phew! Just what a penguin needs on a hot day to remind him of home!" he thinks. So he goes into the store and buys a big tub of vanilla ice cream. He then goes to the park, sits down and starts tucking in. Penguins, of course, don't have hands to hold a spoon, so he has to use his flippers to scoop it out, and pretty soon he has ice cream all over his beak, his flippers and his nice fur coat, but he doesn't care, the ice cream is delicious!

Finally he finishes his meal and looks up at the townhall clock. "The hour is nearly up", he thinks. "Time to check out my car." So he heads back to the service station. The mechanic sees him coming and goes out to meet him. "How did it go?" asks the penguin nervously.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Fine!" says the mechanic. "Nothing serious. It looks like you just blew a seal." "No, no!" cries the horrified penguin, "it's just vanilla ice cream!"

[InsaneApache]

ROFL

[Pannonian]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

What have a chicken and a grape got in common?
They're both purple, except for the chicken.

What do you call a man with "Welcome" on his head?
Matt.

[naut]

@ screwtype: Yuck,

@ Pannonian: ,

[Fragony]

A guy goes to a icecreamshop with his son, girl asks what she could do for them.

Well boy, what do you want of this cute lady, *slap* *slap* *slap* with that enormous head of yours?
'icecream'
Well lady, he wants icecream.
Lady is confuses of course 'uhm....what uh kind of icecream?'
What kind of icecream do you want boy *slap* *slap* *slap* with that enormous head of yours?
'chocolate'
Well you heard him, he wants chocolate.
'anything, uh, else?'
Well boy, do you want anything else *slap* *slap* *slap*with that enormous head of yours?
'I am fine'
Well now the lady goes nuts, sir what are you doing why are you hurting him, he doesn't do anything wrong I am going to call the police!!
Well I'll tell you what he did *slap* *slap* *slap* with his enormous head, my wife used to look just like you and then he was born.

[dacdac]

I have a couple of jokes. don't skip one. they're all funny.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as crap.
I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "Forget that, I'll just get a tan instead.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.
I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "it's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dang it, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dang it, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."
I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."
I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent, then left and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

[Motep]

dude, some of those are hilarious!


How much would you charge to haunt a house?
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Your mother is so fat, its acctually kinda funny.
Itll take Lewis and Clark to find the point of this joke.
God is nothing but a glorified dog (hint, its a bad pun).
Which state is hi in the middle and round on both ends?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

o"hi"o

Vampires suck!

this is my steph-mother's joke "Your mother is so fat, when she tried rolling out of bed, she rolled herself back to sleep." Now if you get this, there is apoint to this joke!

Would anybody like to join the pen15 club?
Look down your shirt and spell attic.
The worshipers of The egyptian sun god are the true inventors of noodles!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Ra-men

And now im pretty much out of approprite jokes.

[screwtype]

Look down your shirt and spell attic.

LOL, that's so corny I just had to laugh

[InsaneApache]

In a Stars In Their Eyes Xmas special a young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.

MK: "It's very brave of you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago I was driving, with my uncle, when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright,
but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free.
The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, they did all they could, but they couldn't save my legs."

MK: "That's terrible Simon, but I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away,
but that his legs were fine. With all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

** MUCH AUDIENCE APPLAUSE **

MK: "That's fantastic. So Simon, who are you going to be?"

Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be...
"Simon and half uncle"

[InsaneApache]

ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity, and arrest the reporter who leaked the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the *!!%$@@##** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

[Banquo's Ghost]

Excellent IA!

You missed one though.

ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You set the poor oppressed beasts free and plant two cabbages instead. The capitalists next door grab your ex-cows and feed them with your cabbages and then sell at a profit.

[Vladimir]

Excellent IA!

You missed one though.

ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You set the poor oppressed beasts free and plant two cabbages instead. The capitalists next door grab your ex-cows and feed them with your cabbages and then sell at a profit.

Now that's cut-throat, robber barron capitalism. Ahhh, the good old days.

[King Henry V]

You forgot some more.

Singaporean Economics: You have two cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them away and puts them in a bran with all the other cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took away from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

Environmentalism: you have two cows. The government bans you from killing or milking them.

Feminism: you have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.

Counter Culture: wow, dig it man, there's like these two cows grazing in the hemp field. Dude, you gotta have some of this milk!

Pure anarchy: you have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or the neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

Libertarianism: whatever....

New Labour: you have New Cows. New Cows New Britain. Our Mission New Cows. New Britain. New Cows New Britain.

[Motep]

New Labour: you have New Cows. New Cows New Britain. Our Mission New Cows. New Britain. New Cows New Britain.

I am going to pretend that made sense....

Comedic Russian: In russia, the cows own you!

[doc_bean]

TEXAS: you have two cows, you organise a BBQ

[Beirut]

Canada: You have two cows. Your neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, you have two cows." You say, "Yeah, I do." Then you offer him a beer and talk about the weather.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Cows? Dude, there's a reason why we stick to sheep.

[Shaka_Khan]

If a teacher asked, "where does Santa Claus and his elves live," then the following generations of kids would answer:

kids in the 1960s: "he lives in the North Pole."

kids in the 1980s: "he lives in the Arctic."

kids today: "He lives in China. My toys have the words made in China on them."

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

That's only two kinds of people, STUPID!!!!!!!

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

I'm sorry, but I had to do that. No offence.

[InsaneApache]

You obviously didn't get it.

[dacdac]

What do you call 2 guys with no arms or legs stuck on a wall.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Kurt and Rod

haha. corny jokes are only good by the person who says them it would seem.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard? Neither did she.

2 Irish guys walk out of a bar.

A Rabbi, a Polish person, a Priest, a blonde, a talking dog, and a Jew all walk into a bar. The Bartender goes, "What's this, some kind of joke?"

A termite walks into a bar and asks," Is the bar tender here?"

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

You obviously didn't get it.

Perhaps it's you who doesn't. You should really visit bash.org more often.

[Banquo's Ghost]

Another one from the legendary Dave Allen:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning sermon.
She's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...

[Moros]

A termite walks into a bar and asks," Is the bar tender here?"

[Shaka_Khan]

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

[Crazed Rabbit]

http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm

Gee, none of the images there could be construed as racist...

CR

[Motep]

Good Dog!"Little Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Crabtree asked."My dog ate it," was his solemn response."Little Johnny, I've been a teacher for twety-nine years, do you really expect me to believe that?""It's true, Miss Crabtree, I swear it is," insisted Littler Johnny."I had to force him, but he ate it all, every bit!"
In The AlphabetLittle Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet."Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"Johnny says, "Yeah!"
BlackmailAt school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

Ill do some more later